Two weeks ago I wrote about submission in marriage, specifically what it’s not.

Last week we looked at a husband’s role in marriage which is to provide loving leadership.

God intended for submission and leadership to work together.

However some spouses have neglected their God-assigned responsibilities and many marriages are flying on one wing.

For the spouse that has embraced their role (and are desperate for their spouse to embrace theirs), the following thoughts are important to consider;

1. You cannot change your spouse.

I used to think that if I tried hard enough, I could change my husband. (And he’s an awesome man, just so you know).

One day God clued me in on something; His son died for me but He could not force His free gift of salvation. I had to accept it. It’s called free will.

In the same way, your spouse will have to make the changes themselves. You can’t guilt them, intimidate or manipulate them to change.

You can (should) communicate your heart and the things you’d like to change. But you can’t make them be what you desire them to be, even if it’s for their own good. That’s their call.

 2. Be honest with yourself

In the past I’ve struggled with being a workaholic and a people-pleaser.

When I got married, I thought my husband needed to be like me. I was terrified when it became apparent he was nothing like me  and did not care for my “ethics” (people-pleasing, workaholic).

When you think or it appears as if your spouse is not doing their part, you need to pull up on your own driveway first, before you pull up on theirs and try to call them out.

Ask yourself hard questions, “Is something really wrong with them or am I just looking at things using the wrong lenses?”

“Am I trying to dictate the kind of relationship they should have with the Lord? What have I done/not done that may have influenced their behavior?”

The latter part is to shift blame & responsibility but to try and help you see areas you need to work on yourself.

3. Pray and release your spouse to God.

This should really be # 1 but I thought it’s important to have clarity on the first two areas to avoid sliding into “change-him/her-for-me” prayer.

When praying for a spouse who’s abandoned their responsibility in marriage, the tendency is to stick to a self-centered script.

We feel the pain, inconvenience and frustration of their “irresponsibility” and we want it to stop. So we pray to God to change them so that we can be comfortable.

I’ve found that the most effective prayer originates from a place of sincerity and security in God.

A place devoid of expectations, where I’ve released my spouse from a long list of  “to-be” or “to-do”. A place filled with agape love and repentance of my own sin (fear, lack of faith, anger).

4. Go the extra mile

God’s grace is sufficient to help us become what He’s called us to be, even when we are living through imperfect moments.

In going the extra mile in marriage, we are acknowledging Who we are ultimately submitting to; God, not man (or woman).

God does not necessarily give us time-frames when we pray for something. He may answer today or in 22 years time. 

5. Even with outside help, remember you still have to work it out.

Some years back, I found myself getting upset when a situation we’d received counseling on ended up taking longer to resolve.

In my mind, getting counseling equaled immediate solution. It took a while to understand that counseling marked the beginning of actual work.

Counseling gave us a fresh perspective but we still had to go home and work out the issues. It’s important to keep the right perspective and attitude and always remember it takes two to win.

6. Continue to do your part.

You can’t stop leading because she won’t submit. You can’t stop submitting because he won’t lead. 

We must accept that imperfect situations do not excuse us from taking up our responsibilities.

Our faithfulness in difficult times can win the heart of our spouse. It’s one of the ways through which God might reach out and change the situation.

7. Appreciate the little steps 

Be swift to notice growth and improvement and quick to let go of slights and setbacks. (You can click to tweet that)

Feelings eventually follow our mind and will – don’t skimp on appreciation simply because you don’t feel like it.

Appreciating your spouse’s efforts encourages them to try again. Noticing and celebrating other areas of marriage that are working builds up the relationship.

8. Don’t quit.

Someone has to be rooting for the health of your marriage.

Continue to ask God to give you the right words, the right time, the right place to share your heart. Keep the issue alive, don’t let it slip away.

You cannot quit.

My friend Floyd Samons says “Passion is king and perseverance is queen”

No easy solutions

I know that there are no easy solutions to complex marital challenges.

My prayer and hope, in writing this post (and the other two) is that you will find two or three (or 8) nuggets that will bless and strengthen your marriage.

Question – Do you have additional thoughts and insights? We’d love to hear them in Comments below. 

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Linking with Happy Wives Club, Matrimonial Monday, Titus 2sday

I wrote this post a few weeks ago. Life has calmed down somewhat since then. But I thought I’d share the article anyway.

I’ve been struggling with motivation lately.

Whenever I have a lot on my plate, my passion and drive takes a hit. I struggle with focus. I slip into randomness and mindlessness. I bug my sweet husband. I eat.

 My littered life

Right now my desk is littered with little sticky reminders, my calender beeps every now and then (other reminders which get snoozed very quickly).

My wall is plastered with goals and dreams and projects.

My Evernote is littered with half done articles, messages, talks and ideas. My heart is overflowing with stuff – delayed dreams, to-do lists, thoughts.

Hmmph!

Formulas not working

All this drama is self-induced – I don’t have a boss breathing down my neck.

Also I have this head knowledge on how de-stress, how to steward my time better and how to keep moving forward.

But all the formulas and tricks don’t seem to be working now. I’ve been living on prayer and grace more than anything else.

So anyway I came across these two fresh thoughts, which caused me to pause and think about how am stewarding my time (the main reason am feeling flustered and un-motivated).

I also remembered two thoughts that have worked well for me in the past.

 1. Get out of the kitchen

Beth Steffaniak offers a great analogy in her article Are you trusting God’s timing?

She likens the waiting process to baking a cake.  She says

“I can mix together all the right ingredients – 1 yielded heart, A cup full of requests, 1 powerful God.

But it’s not ready until I wait for it to “bake in the oven.”

If I try to stir it more, or add more ingredients, or take it out to “check on the progress,” I’m either delaying or interfering with the process it must go through. I can’t speed up the “baking” time by my efforts.

I can pass the time by doing other positive tasks or I can take the time to just “rest” while I wait on my delicious dessert to bake, but I can’t hurry the process along.

That’s because … the time is set by God.”

I realize I’ve been trying to hurry things along  and this has resulted in frustration and anxiety.

Right now I am doing other productive things as I wait on some things to bake. But mostly, I am learning to put up my feet and relax.

2. Save the candy

In her article 4 questions to help you use your time well, Barb Raveling shares

“Life is like throwing candy in a parade. Only instead of throwing candy, we’re throwing minutes and hours at the things God wants us to do and the people God wants us to love.”

She goes on

“Like the parade candy, we only have so much time to give. If we use it all up on time-wasting activities, we won’t have any left over to do the things God wants us to do.”

I am trying to rein in my commitments (both real and imagined!) as well as getting realistic about what I can and cannot do. I can’t do it all, all though I’d love to.

3. Break monotony

I am not big on routine and sameness.

Nonetheless, whenever I find a system or process that works well, I tend to stick with it for long.

I am finding that changing my normal routine shakes off the lethargy and numbness that stifles creativity, focus and energy.

4. Re-discovering my “why”

A few weeks ago, I shared The 4 Stages of a Dream (Revelation, Conviction, Alignment, Perseverance).

Loren Pinilis shared something in the Comments that I found particularly helpful. He said

“It seems like these (dream) phases alternate back and forth. There are times of perseverance and then times where you have to dig back down deep for another level of conviction. “

When I am down in the trenches and feeling the heat of the dream, it’s easy to forget why I am doing what I am doing.

I am learning that there’s no shame in going back and digging out the basics again, no shame in acknowledging “I missed it“. It’s important to remember my “why” – it’s what holds everything else together.

Question – How do you stay motivated when you are feeling down? (on top of prayer and reading the bible). Please share in Comments.

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Further reading: 7 ways to stop being overwhelmed

 Linking with Thriving Thursdays, Fellowship Fridays

Last week I looked at submission in marriage, specifically what it’s not. Incase you missed the post, please read it here.

Submission in marriage is a popular topic across the pulpits of church (and life).

But the mandate of the husband is not always spelled out as often, or as loudly.

Sometimes, the question that circles many a woman’s mind whenever submission is mentioned is “Will somebody also teach my husband to lead?”

One Without the Other

The thing about love and submission as written in Ephesians is that it’s hard to give one without the other.

It’s easier to love a submitted wife, the same way it’s easier to submit to a loving man.

(Note: It’s possible to do one’s part even when the other person isn’t doing theirs).

In understanding submission, I’ve found it important to also understand how loving leadership  manifests and the kind of challenges a man might have to overcome in order to lead.

I speak from personal experience – what I’ve observed in my marriage and what I’ve learned.

How loving leadership manifests

1. A husband values the responsibility, not the power

Someone aptly said that God did not remove a woman from a man’s feet so that he could walk all over her but from his side so that he can protect her.

Headship has got everything to do with responsibility, not power.

Loving leadership nurtures, protects, goes out of its way and seeks the good of those under it’s wing. It does not belittle, does not demean, does not ‘lord it over’.

2. He loves her sacrificially & tenderly

While a loving husband values his wife as an equal, he also recognizes that his bride is more than a partner.

She’s a treasure. A weaker vessel; different and feminine. Christ loved the church so much he died for her and husbands are instructed to love their brides in the same manner.

Everything a husband does should flow from this kind of love.

In treasuring his wife he’ll find himself dying to self, to ego, to his own ways, thoughts and preferences.

3. He stays intentionally invested in his marriage.

When my husband and I were courting, he was on top of his game. Most men usually are (and if he’s not single sister, lace up your shoes and run for your life).

The man that seeks to lovingly lead his marriage and home makes intentional effort to stay in “pursuit and woo mode” after marriage.

It might feel like a difficult thing, to pursue what he already has.

But as he applies himself, he learns that it’s the small seemingly-unimportant things that matter to his wife.

Like asking about her day (and listening as she talks about it), preferring her above something he likes, helping her, arranging for a date, generally finding out what makes her tick.

And then giving it to her.

4. He’s willing to learn leadership.

Leadership and steering a home is something most men learn.

I know we wives tend to  forget that the same way we learn to die to self and graciously submit to our husbands is the same way our husbands have to learn to die to fears, anxieties and lovingly pick up the leadership mantle.

It’s a skill, habit and grace that’s learned and refined over time. (You can click to tweet that). God has given men the capacity to lead and live out their roles.

But they often have to dig it out and embrace it.

5. Is willing to bite the bullet.

As the head of the marriage and home, husbands carry a huge bulls eye on their back.

Through a culture and society gone awry to worldly wisdom to our fallen nature, the enemy of our soul is ferocious and relentless in his attacks on men.

Men who desire to lovingly lead the home accept the responsibility to fight these outside influences in order to win the battle for their marriage and home.

They fight to stay biblical, committed, principled, involved.

Wives who understand this warfare will stay longer on their knees praying, than they will on their feet trying to change their men.

6. Desires to win the battle of his soul

Husbands who desire to love and lead their marriage understand that they cannot take their relationship where they’ve never been.

To lead and love well, they know they must be well first. So they dig deep into their relationship with God.

They wrestle, seek answers and peace for the soul questions – who am I, am I enough, do I have what it takes, what next.

They learn to recognize these battles and go to the only Source that can supply the answers: God.

7. Knows loving leadership doesn’t have to be perfect

No one leads perfectly. No one follows perfectly.

Learning the way of marriage – of loving and submission – is a process, not an event.

A man that is seeking greatness in his marriage will not give up easily even when his efforts appear to go unrewarded.

He presses through even when the journey is painstakingly slow, difficult and imperfect.

8. Tries to understand he’s not the answer

Many wives come into marriage with scars, bumps, wounds, nicks – the result of living life in a fallen world.

A loving husband supports and encourages healing and growth but also acknowledges that he’s not her answer.

Not every wife will have obvious scars of course but wherever he finds himself, a loving husband knows he cannot fix his bride.

Especially because many times all she  might be wanting is a listening ear, not a solution.

Questions – What does loving leadership look like to you? What challenges do you husbands have to overcome to be the leader God called you to be? Please share in Comments below.

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Further reading

• An older post Of love and submission…and team work. I share how marriage often works best when a couple work as a team.

• My last post Submission in marriage: What it’s not

• Great articles & resources on submission from Warrior Wives.  Here, here and here

Linking up with Happy Wives Club, Titus 2sdays, Messy Marriage, We are That Family, To Love Honor & Vacuum, Serving Joyfully, Fellowship Friday

Around five years ago, a guest stood up at a wedding to share words of wisdom and present some gifts to the newlyweds.

A few minutes into his speech, the bride appeared to take a step forward.

“Where are you going?” my husband asked with a smile.

“To receive the gifts” I answered mid-stride.

“Lets wait.” He  tagged gently on my hand. “He has has not called us forward yet”

The guests did not see the twitch on my face. Or the heart dropping to my chest. But my husband may have noticed the flick of chin and the stiffened back.

Years later, I’d look back at that small encounter and recognize it as my first opportunity to obey my husband.

It was also the first (and not last) time I’d follow on the outside while resisting on the inside.

What Submission is Not

A lot has been said when it comes to  allowing our husbands to take the lead.

But some of my biggest lessons have been on what submission is not.

 1. Submission is not gritting my teeth and “making myself” follow

While I like leading and having my way, I also know what God says about the role of a husband and wife in marriage: one leads, the other follows and partners.

So the easy compromise for me was to “make myself” submit on the outside. While world war III raged on the inside.

But God began to show me that submission was a heart issue

It’s not a mouth or action issue. Doing or saying the right thing is not nearly as important as being the right way. (You can click to Tweet that) God is always after the condition of our hearts.

Sure, submission is not always without struggle.

But we must work through the struggle, take it to God, lean into our pain and grow. We must be working to line up hearts with our actions and words.

2. Submission will not feel natural

I believe God wires us up for our destinies – He gives a passion and disposition to match our role and calling in life.

When it came to submission, I expected a complete personality make over. I thought He’d change me from strong, argumentative and willful to sweet, nice and mild.

After a long struggle and wait, I realized God wasn’t going to give me a personality transplant. Instead, He had a heart transformation lined up.

Sometimes we wait for obedience to feel natural, to slide into our lives like a hand into a glove. But our flesh is in rebellion towards the things of God. We have wounds and baggage.

Bowing our knee does not happen automatically.

Wives who want to submit need to understand that submission is not an automatic switch. It’s something you learn intentionally. You don’t change in a day, you grow every day.

3. Submission is not about a woman’s value.

Sometimes we think “whoever leads the pack owns the pack”. Personally, I thought being a follower meant I was deficient, weak and helpless (gasp).

It took a while to understand that the roles of love and submission (Ephesians 5: 21 – 33) have nothing to do with the value of the person. Rather they are about function.

Like any institution, God assigned different roles and responsibilities to the man and woman in order to successfully carry out His mission on earth. Both man and woman are valued, accepted and loved equally.

But assigned differently.

4. Submission doesn’t mean I have to trust my husband first

It’s about trusting God first.

Wives who want their husbands to prove they are worthy submitting to will never get around to submitting.

Husbands are normal human beings who make mistakes,  fail and generally do things that scream “Not worthy of trust!” The same way we wives do things that scream “Not worthy of love!”

Now wives are not mandated to obey “unto sin” or danger. If a husband is asking a wife to sin, she’s not obligated to obey.

The premise here is that she must release herself to God first, find security in Him, learn to trust Him.

5. Submission is not for wimps

Submission doesn’t mean a lack of intelligence or  will. Personally I swung from one extreme to the other – from heel clicking defiance to a wimpy false sense of meekness.

But submission doesn’t mean a wife shies away from her responsibility as a helper.

Strong marriages are made of two spouses who pull together in the same direction. A wife’s thoughts, opinions and contributions are powerful and are needed in her marriage.

6. Submission won’t always be demanded of me

I grew up with a tough dad. But I am married to a sweet easy man.

I find that when something is not demanded of me or spelled out in black and white, it’s easy to excuse myself out of that responsibility.

Most husbands don’t walk around waving “I am the head honcho” placards, demanding acquiesce.

If a wife keeps waiting for her husband to spell it out for her, she might never start submitting, never start giving him room to lead. A wife needs to keep her heart in order and not expect her husband to put it in order for her.

It’s important for wives who have gentler husbands to understand that just because they can get away with something doesn’t mean it’s right or it won’t hurt their husband or their marriage

Question – What thoughts can you add? How have the roles of love and submission, as written in Ephesians 5: 21 – 33, strengthened your marriage?

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Linking up with Happy Wives Club, Titus 2sday, Messy Marriage, We are That Family, To Love Honor & Vacuum, Serving Joyfully, Christian Mommy Blogger 

Kimanzi Constable’s new book Are you living or Existing? 9 Steps to change your life released yesterday.

If there’s one person who exemplifies intentional growth and living, it’s Kimanzi Constable.

He’s gone from from delivering bread at 2 am, to creating a business and a living around what he loves to do; writing and speaking.

Background

For 12 years Kimanzi lived a life of non stop excuses and regret.

Life looked okay on the outside, but things were falling apart on the inside.

Three years ago,  Kimanzi’s finances were out of control, his business was falling apart and his marriage was in crisis.

But that season marked the beginning of  complete transformation.

Through intentional effort, great perseverance and the grace of God, he has moved from merely existing to truly living.

The Book

Are You Living Or Existing? is a solid nine step plan to radically change your life.

If you are tired of the way things are in your life and want to make some changes, this book will help you through the process.

If you want to change careers, loose weight, start a business, chase your dream or make any change other kind of change, Kimanzi’s book is a great tool.

Here are a couple of my key take-aways after reading the book

•  Change is intentional

• Wanting to give up is normal. But you don’t have to give up

• When going through change, a good support system is vital

• You don’t have to listen to my emotions

• You need to budget and save for where you want to go. You must have discipline and boundaries

• You may not always be able to serve others (e.g give) out of the excess, so you need to plan for your giving. e.g set up a charity fund, the same way you’d set up an emergency fund.

Cool Stuff for free

Kimanzi is giving bonuses worth over $ 100 for ever person that purchases the book during the first two weeks of it’s official release, that’s May 1 through May 19 2013.

When you purchase the book on either Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, or bookstores everywhere, email a copy of the receipt to sales@talesofwork.com. He will then send you instructions on how to access your free bonus.

Question – Are you living or existing? Are you taking firm intentional steps towards your dream?

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

(My husband wrote this post 3 years ago (yes he had a blog!). It’s a a great piece, you’ll be blessed)

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This past week my wife and I have had one of those “differences in opinion”.

We went into that parallel universe in married life that is filled with logic and emotion, skewed to justify ourselves and protect our vulnerabilities, effectively barring us out of the each other’s heart.

Now, it is important that I mention that it was my actions that caused the shift into this “twilight zone”.

The Trigger

One of the major triggers was the fact that my wife had asked me on Saturday to “help” her with the dishes. We were both at home and savoring the one day we had together in the house.

I however was transfixed on the computer and only looked up late in the night, feeling too tired to wash dishes.

That was the beginning of a bad week, reaction after reaction drawing us deeper into our trenches and fortifying our positions.

It came out very clearly that I was not helping enough around the house. Communication broke down. Conversations became unheard of and quality time non-existent.

Finally, the only way forward I could see was to write down weekly tasks that I would put up in the kitchen and follow.

The relationship had taken a beating by that time but the rules got us on our way back. We eventually had a long hard conversation and made up at the end of it.

The Lessons

What I found interesting though is that as we made up, the tasks became less of an issue.

Taking out the trash and washing dishes, folding clothes from the clothesline, not so bad when we’re back in love. Granted, they remain chores but with a different quality to it.

It got me thinking, as my marriage often does, about my relationship with God.

In life many times I become self absorbed and doing the right thing gradually seems more and more like a chore.

It changes the condition of my heart.

Conversation with God wanes, prayer suffers, quality time, reading His word and communion loses value in my life.

Reaching out to others with the love of Christ becomes a task, and the only thing that can get me back on track is the Law.

Not unlike the manner in which we had to come up with the “law” of the household outlining what I am to do on a regular basis, God gave us the Law to obey, put up clearly in His Word and in our hearts.

Making up

But what a paradigm shift when we “make up with God” and get back in love with Him, after we have a deep hard heart-to-heart conversation.

The Law, becomes almost a non-issue, because we love him, then we do what pleases Him without as much of a struggle.

Jesus said (John 14:15)

“If you love me you will obey what I command”.

Never quite saw it like that before.

When I love someone, desiring to please them is a natural unction.

And if the person I love wants the best for me, I can trust that what I’m doing to please them is good not just for them, but also for me.

How much more God, whose heart is without guile, whose love is beyond manipulation and whose power is beyond equal?

If I love the Lord, obeying Him will be a desire of my heart rather than a task to avoid.

This verse had always hit me as some sort of emotional blackmail to be honest, but with this new perspective, it takes a completely new meaning.

Loving God means I will do what He loves.

“If you love me, you will obey what I command” John 14:15

Question – Has the revelation of real love made marriage easier? Do you struggle to love and obey?

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Linking up with Happy Wives Club, Titus 2sday, Messy Marriage, We are That family, To Love Honor & Vacuum, Serving Joyfully

Today am honored to share at David Sparks’s blog about our (my husband and I) big audacious dream. Intentional Today, this website,   is a part of that dream.

This is David’s first edition of the Project Prayer Post, where he plans to feature people’s audacious dream of impacting other people’s lives and ways that others can get involved.

In the interview I share

• why “personal responsibility” and “last born” don’t always go together.

• why we dream of cities.

• why you need a strong people to build a strong city/village

• where our dream comes from

• how you can get involved/find more information

Will you please join me at David’s blog and learn about our big scary dream?.

Please click here to read the interview. 

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Linking up with Serving Joyfully, We are that family

A few years ago, I heard Joyce Meyer say that sometimes in marriage the more grounded spouse would need to put in extra effort to keep a marriage growing.

She was speaking from personal experience where for many years, her husband Dave, who was the more grounded of the two, carried the weight of their marriage.

Caring more

In marriage, we don’t always care about the same thing with the same amount of passion.

For example the wife who wants more conversation will find herself initiating conversation more often…at least as a start or for a season.

The husband who wants order in the finances might be required to put in extra effort.

Nonetheless, going the extra mile isn’t always easy.

It might look reasonable and mature. But our flesh doesn’t always enjoy doing  reasonable mature things.  It takes a change of mindset and intentional effort.

To get better in this area, I’ve realized it’s important to understand;

1. I am not the only one going the extra mile.

Sometimes couples get into “martyr mode”.

They recognize their individual sacrifices but completely fail to see where the other person continually steps up.

For example in our marriage, I am the planner.

It’s easy to get lost in my little details and all the things “I make happen”…and fail to see everything my husband does (especially because he carries his burdens and sacrifices with much more maturity and dignity).

I have observed that in many relationships, it sometimes comes down to caring differently, not caring less.

2. What is important to me?

Strong couples dream together. Still the person with more clarity and passion in one area will sometimes need to step out of the boat first.

I used to think that just because we share a common dream meant we have to devote the same amount of time and passion to get the dream or habit going. But that’s not always the case.

Right now I have more free time than my husband. I am able to devote more time to the things we care about. In the past, I’d make a lot of noise (mostly mental) about his seeming absence.

But as I’ve gotten along in marriage, I’ve come to appreciate the power of teamwork and partnership. Being a good team player means establishing what we care about and then moving on it…even when am the first one.

3. We are gifted differently

Sometimes it’s not that one spouse doesn’t want to do something or that they wouldn’t want to be a certain way.

It’s just they are wired differently. What the other spouse likes will never be a natural fit for them (Note: am not talking about marriage fundamentals)

We must learn to be grateful for our spouses, just as they are and be willing to extend the same grace we ourselves received.

4. Iron sharpens iron

Mark Gungor says that marriage is like a mirror, placed infront of us to reflect the person we truly are. Not the person we wish we could be.

Someone said that “prayer changes things..and mostly me”.

Going the extra mile helps us grow, makes us stronger and better.

Question – Do you like going the extra mile? What tips can you share? Please share in Comments

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Linking up with Happy Wives Club, Titus 2sday, Messy Marriage, We are That Family, To Love Honor & Vacuum,Serving Joyfuly

I get disturbed when born-again, Jesus-loving, faith-living people curse.

I don’t mean baby Christians who are still toddling in the “milk years”. I mean those that are grown up and mature.

So grown up in fact that they can look up Scripture and find something to “explain” the talk and dismiss gentle correction as “legalism and judgment”.

Let me be upfront with you though – this post clips wider than Christians talking wrong. (I do have a link at the bottom where Charles Specht does a great job of explaining what the bible says about cursing.)

This is where my real problem is.

Liberalism. Inclusion. Lukewarmness. Normalcy. Laziness. And other things we’ve made part of our Christian duty and diet.

And yes, and am guilty too.

Imperfect

My transgressions might be of a different shade – I don’t curse or swear, I blow hot or cold most of the time, I am conservative – I left Africa but Africa never left me.

But when it comes to loving my comforts, living an uninterrupted life, hushing up when my problems or the world screams too loud, I lead the pack of the afraid.

It must sound strange to our minds, maybe even hypocritical. Human nature seems to demand that we only preach what we practice. Which is true in a sense.

Still if we only preached what we have perfected, we’ll never get around to preach anything.

So back to Christians in need of a mouth (and other type of) wash.

We all have fallen short.

Still I think the best thing we can do is to stop the “you have a pole in your eye too” game when someone points out our lukewarmness, immodesty, liberalism, idols, greed.

Discomfort in sin

I am learning to accept that I am a work in progress. I am learning that everyone else is a work in progress.

Still “being a work in progress” doesn’t give me the freedom to bask in my squalor. I need to be growing. By the time am college material in the school of life, I should have left kindergarten behavior.

I should be uncomfortable in my shortcomings. I should not be defending them, accepting them, allowing them to shut me down.

Of course discomfort does not offer guarantees.

It doesn’t mean somebody will change.  Still  it’s still better than comfort.

So, it’s okay to stay bothered when godly boundaries are trounced by the same people they are created for.

It’s okay to be bothered when we see others (and ourselves) work tirelessly to be accepted by the world..and not as hard to keep our salvation.

It’s okay to be bugged when things don’t go the way they are supposed to.

Discomfort in others

Am learning to see others who are uncomfortable in their “sin”.

The mothers who cover their little one’s ears when they swear. The man who won’t light up in the church compound. The kid who spits out khat when talking to an older person.

Am learning that as long as there’s discomfort, a consciousness, a desire for truth and righteousness, for a better thing, there’s hope.

It’s good and healthy to be bothered by sin, even the very one we struggle with.

I’d rather be at the wailing wall, head down, beating my chest in brokenness, pain, frustration and repentance. Than standing off at a corner with an uplifted face, glorying in my cleanliness, achievements and perfection….and delusion.

Questions – What is currently bothering you? What areas are you desiring to get better?

*A good read by Charles Specht -  Cursing: What does the bible say about it?

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Linking up with We are that Family

In his post titled Strong marriage equals strong leader, Dan Black shared

“…the true measure of success is determined by your home life.”

Contemporary culture wants us to believe that a leader can separate their home life from their public life.

Truth is, how a leader conducts himself behind closed doors (his marriage) says a great deal about his character and person.

Marriage can be one of our greatest teachers. The things we learn at home can impact and enhance our leadership.

My marriage has taught me these four leadership lessons.

Today am so honored to be guest posting for my friend Dan Black, over at his  blog Dan Black on Leadership.

Will you join me and read the rest of the post? I pray you get blessed.

Click here to read the entire post

If you would like to have Intentional Today delivered to your inbox, simply click here: Subscribe to Intentional Today (you will also receive a free copy of my eBook, Navigating Change)

Linking up with Happy Wives Club, Titus 2sdays, Messy Marriage, We are That Family, To Love Honor & Vacuum