Should a guy and girl kiss before their wedding?
“How far is too far” is a hot topic in the Christian dating circles.
Instead of telling you what to believe, I want to share our story of how and why we waited till our wedding for our first kiss!
But before I do that, let me try and answer a few questions you might be having;
– Did you guys have feelings for each other or did you have a special calling to wait?
Physical attraction played a significant role in our coming together. There was nothing spiritual about our first time “spark”, just a really base “this guy/girl is fiiine.”
Those feelings grew and continued throughout the relationship.
As far as I know, there is no special gift or anointing to saving your first kiss for marriage. Mostly it is a logical and spiritual decision couples makes, based on their values.
– Were you tempted?
Yes! I have a sneaky feeling that the more you limit physical interaction before the wedding, the stronger the longing!
Eventually (mercifully), the body starts to get it; “we ain’t getting any, we might as well cool down.”
But the cools happen because you apply commonsense to avoid falling into temptation. And you lean on God. And take cold showers when necessary.
The struggle is real.
– So saving your first kiss for marriage guarantees a great marriage?
Nope. Working hard, listening to God and mentors did. I don’t know if there are good guarantees as far as the quality of marriage you will enjoy as a newlywed.
The only assurance we had, still have, is Christ’s abiding presence. But. God does reward obedience.
When we live by His commands, when go for the highest standard rather than the lowest minimum, we come into marriage with less baggage.
We make better spouses, which equals a better marriage.
Okay, so let us us dive in!
Here are our reasons for not kissing before our wedding!
1. The vertical relationship.
I kissed a man for the first time on my wedding day. It was odd and beautiful at the same time! It lasted a whole millisecond for this blushing bride.
We created physical guidelines, including saving our first kiss for marriage because we wanted to honor God.
Honoring God was our biggest drive.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
We did not want to stir emotions, start fires and become a constant temptation to each other.
Apart from mostly-side-hugs and an occasional holding of hands, we limited physical interaction because we felt it was an honorable way to behave as an unmarried Christian couple.
2. Longevity was more important than temporary relief.
Figuring out if we were a good fit for each other, mentally, emotionally, spiritually e.t.c was a big deal.
In fact, the purpose of courtship is to investigate, grow and learn each other as much as possible. However, we recognized that our research would have limits; it could never replace faith in God.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
We understood, to a limited degree, that marriage was a mystery; impossible to understand until you are in it.
When people test for “compatibility” before marriage through exploring the physical side of their relationship, they are mostly seeking guarantees for their relationship.
However, jumping the gun does not help couples stay together.
In fact, the more you explore the physical side of a relationship before vows, the higher the chance of that relationship not ending up in marriage.
A healthy marriage is a choice-driven institution and it’s important to train ourselves early.
Dry runs would have limited our ability to grow and lowered our future ability to take personal responsibility.
3. The eye-ball burn.
I was in a leadership position at our local church, mentoring a group of women. They were looking to see how I would do my courtship.
I believe there’s a reason why God “sets the lonely in families.” Psalm 68:6a. The weight of expectation from a community, from someone other than yourself, does amazing things for our drive and standards.
Solid communities inspire excellence and a higher level of living.
They are pretty much like the slow burning embers under your seat, providing warmth and encouragement when you want to give up, but heating and reeling you back to reality when you want to be silly.
4. Third party interference.
We were very close to our mentors, who also happened to be our pastors.
They had poured into our lives, taught us to walk the narrow road, long before courtship came along; we could not claim naivety.
However, as our friendship grew and the wedding day drew closer, Tommy and I became more relaxed around each other.
So we confessed our struggle. Rather our struggle was called out by a mentor when she spied his arm draped across my shoulder at a church event.
Oliver Goldsmith said “People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy.”
For us mentors provided much-needed support and accountability for our courtship.
5. Purposeful dating.
Once we decided to commit to a deeper friendship, (we were casual friends for about two years) we knew what that commitment meant; we dated and courted with marriage in mind.
Marriage was not a guarantee – hence a courtship – but we knew our relationship was not a purposeless connection. We were trying to figure out if we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together.
We courted for exactly fourteen months but it felt like fourteen decades.
Knowing where the relationship was going, and later on creating timelines for a wedding helped us wait.
I am a great champion for short courtships vs. dragged-out wooings!
I understand why sometimes couples have to hold on, but if you can, take the shortest (everything else considered of course) route to the altar!
If you are not ready to get married, don’t get serious with anyone yet. When you feel ready, be ready to go all the way!
And those are our five reasons for waiting till marriage to engage in a physical relationship!
Before I pen off,
I want to encourage the single women and guys reading this post today.
We live in a world that preaches a cross-less Christianity; the idea that one can have all the benefits of salvation with none of the price.
And since these ideas are pretty loud, it is easy to think that holiness, being set-apart, is entirely out of style.
Let me encourage you; it is not. God still has high expectations of us. He expects us to resist temptation, obey His conviction, daily.
The wonderful thing though is that we experience His presence and power in those difficult cross-carrying moments.
Those critical moments when we take a 180-degree turn from carnal living and ungodly influences and run towards God.
When we break up with an unbelieving boyfriend, or cut off ungodly TV and music, or keep a steely focus on Jesus everyone has taken a shortcut. Those moments are powerful.
People can argue about the Bible, about the existence of God or the value of Christian living but they cannot argue with your personal encounter with God.
So, don’t run away from growth opportunities that are hidden in trials and difficulties.
Grow through those moments of difficulties and questions. Allow God teach you and give you a personal testimony that will carry you over the next hill.
And hopefully inspire others to draw closer to God and encounter their own transformation.
Your turn! How was your courtship? If your story is like my husbands and I, have you observed any benefits from waiting? If your story is different, is there anything you would do different today? If you are single, what is the most difficult thing about observing purity?
We are meant to flourish in marriage. My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years was written for the newlywed wife. Learn how to overcome mindsets and habits that hinder your ability to create a great marriage. Click here to learn more, and find purchase links.
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