What is libido? Simply put, it is sexual desire.
One of the best things a wife can do for her marriage is to figure out how God wired her for sexual intimacy in marriage.
Typically when we think about newlywed sex, we fancy tonnes of energy, a revving libido and a lot of fireworks! And it’s in deed fireworks for many couples..which is awesome!
But for other couples, intimacy can be complicated and challenging which leads to serious struggles and frustration down the line.
I was a virgin when I got married and knew next to nothing about libido or sexual intimacy.
But like many new brides, I thought my husband and I would “pick it up” automatically. After all, how difficult could sex be?
We had done everything right (or worked hard to) and assumed sex would be awesome all by itself..right from the gate, and always!
And for the most part, sex was fantastic. But by the second or third day, I was burning with disappointment.
Looking back it started on our wedding night where my brain was jumpy and unfocused.
I pushed it to being tired, sick and new to sex. But by day three, my low-grade anxiety was heading to full-blown frustration.
Three things bugged me
1. My speed.
Or lack thereof. No matter how much I wanted to jump in and make love, it seemed my body took forever to catch up with what I wanted.
It didn’t matter that I wanted it, I could not fly from 0-100. On the other hand, my husband was ready to go at the drop of a hat.
2. The concentration.
Why didn’t anyone tell me it would take massive amounts of attention to fully turn on and lock into the moment?? I had no idea!
So on our wedding night, the TV was playing in the background. On top of it, my brain was abuzz with the events of the day.
Looking back, we should have taken some time to decompress; talk about the day to help me process all the emotions and highs. But we didn’t, and my brain was a mess.
I should have seen the clear difference between a man and a woman, even back then. Most guys don’t have a huge emotional need to talk over things. Once they are done with Step 1, they are ready for Step 2.
Especially when Step 2 involves intimacy with their bride!
But the wife needs to decompress, to sort through her big emotions so she can better focus on the next thing. Otherwise, she will carry all this emotional and mental baggage, and it will affect her libido and ability to focus.
3. The brokenness.
Because the more I tried “fixing” my libido and body, the weirder it felt. I mean, sex was supposed to be exciting and effortless, and as a married woman I was supposed to be responsive and ready to go, right? (wrong)
My body didn’t to get that. And jumping in, without the massive fiery feelings felt a lot like cheating.
And I was determined not to be “one of those women” who fake it in the bedroom. I wanted to enjoy our intimacy, and I wanted my body to cooperate.
So the first weeks of marriage were a gigantic learning curve.
I prayed. And continued “willing” myself to sex, but often felt like a fraud at the beginning of lovemaking.
We were dealing with other issues as well and I was reading and looking for solutions when I came across a fascinating website, authored by Christian blogger, Sheila Gregoire.
I was struck by her down-to-earth writing and hilarious delivery. But mostly I was impressed by her depth and compassion and how she tied everything back to “what does God say” without sounding preachy.
I dug into her site and started to learn about intimacy and libido in ways I had never heard before.
For the first time, I saw the clear difference between men and women, in terms of wiring.
The differences don’t mean either are broken. My lack of speed was exactly the way God made me!
It was a simple thought but in the “breaking news” category for someone who had been comparing herself to her husband, and losing every single time.
I also learned that a distracted mind is a libido killer. It is impossible to make love and compile my grocery list at the same time. Again, very simple, but revolutionary, if you are a juggler.
I always thought it was good use of time to multi-task, but clearly, that wasn’t a plus in the marriage bed!
The way women are made, we need to concentrate on figuring out what we are feeling, how we are feeling it, and even where, in order to enjoy intimacy.
If you disconnect your mind, your body and emotions struggle to catch up and no wonder they just lie there, striving to figure out what is going on!
But once we concentrate and focus, we begin to tune in and find out what is working and enjoy it!
Last week I sent out an email to my email subscribers to let them know about a new resource: (this is an affiliate link) the Boost Your Libido online course by marriage author, and now friend, Sheila Gregoire.
God used Sheila to help me understand my makeup as a woman, and I am so excited about this course because I know many of us are struggling (I hear from you) and now there’s an amazing resource to help you thrive in this area of your life!
I am eight years married now and I am learning a ton of new things. This is not just a course for newlyweds, its for all wives who want to bring back the fun and fire into their marriage bed.
I am loving Module 2, where Sheila talks about “Making Sexy a Good thing”
if you grow up feeling like sex is shameful, then when you start having sexual feelings, you feel guilty and start stuffing those feelings down and deny them. Then you get married, and it’s hard to break that pattern. No wonder so many have trouble with sex! We grow up hearing that guys are visually stimulated, or that guys need sex every 72 hours or they’ll explode. I’ve heard sermons that the best thing a woman can do to stop their husband from sinning is to have sex frequently…
Any of that sound familiar?
I identify with the stuffing of feelings and feeling like I lost something precious on my wedding night.
It is going to be really difficult to boost your libido if you have that negative view. So we need to start replacing the root of the message with the truth that comes from God.
We come from different backgrounds and may be sex was something that was used against you. Or maybe you made some mistakes before marriage. Sheila covers that too.
And again, this is a course for all wives; there’s something for everyone, no matter how long you have been married.
In fact, if your sex life has become blah, you feel more tired than sexy and a bubble bath and chocolate sound more exciting than your husband at the end of a long day, Sheila will set you on a much better path!
The best thing I ever did to help figure out my libido as a wife was was to spend more time with God.
New marriage comes with big emotions, and it’s easy to drift from daily intimacy with God.
I was drifting at first, but once I reconnected to God, He started to help separate truth from lies. The lie (in the form of anxiety) that I was no longer pure because I was not a virgin anymore.
So one of the things I love about Boost Your Libido online course, the same thing I liked about Sheila’s words years ago, is the fact that she leads us back to God’s truth.
While she’s practical and funny (super funny!) she endeavors to help us understand that intimacy is Gods idea; and He’s generous and understanding our libido helps us thrive in marriage, as God intends.
The course has
- 10 10-minute videos and modules (if you are not a video person, there’s a text version of the video)
- Each module has a fact sheet with extra information, a worksheet, and a brainstorming exercise, along with some additional resources if you want to read more.
- If you buy within the launch period (Feb 9th to Feb 16th), you will be invited to a FREE webinar Sheila is giving the week after Valentine’s Day for a Q&A session
The cool thing about this course is that you don’t have to go through the entire course to start to figure out your libido and see the benefits in your marriage.
In fact, I advise a more paced path – that is what I am doing! Yesterday I told my husband that I intend to go through the course more than once and he seemed rather pleased with the idea!
To be honest, we still have our struggles and seasons when it comes to libido and intimacy, like most couples. So I am not saying that this course will fix everything immediately.
In fact, Sheila will be the first to say that it’s not the material (by itself) which works wonders, rather what you choose to do with it, that will make a difference.
So this is not another course/resource to read through, so you check off a 2017 reading goal! This is more like a slow (and fun) journey into discovering how God created you as a woman and the joys He wants you to experience in your sex life.
And for all my super achievers, don’t take everything and cram it into your marriage; just pick one or two things at a time and apply those and see what happens.
I don’t do a lot of promotions on this blog, except for resources that I believe in. I believe this e-course has the potential to change your marriage, as it did mine, and I don’t want you to miss on that.
Sheila is down to earth, open about her own struggles, which makes you feel understood, the way you would when talking to your big sister.
So Boost Your Libido is an enjoyable course, filled with practical assignment that can help you see immediate results. You don’t have to wait until you finish the course to start your libido revving up!
The course is priced at $39.