Married? You Should Not Have a Pinterest Board called “eye-candy”

I want us to look at some things we should not be doing as early-wed  – and older-wed  – wives.

The kind of things that fall in to the “should not” and “cannot” category of married life.

Married? You should not have Pinterest board called "eye-candy" ..and 16 other things you should not do as a married woman

I am not writing this because I have arrived myself.

Nope.

I am very much a work in progress in some of the areas (example # 7, 10, 14 )

I’d love for you share your “should-nots” in Comments below! Let’s learn and grow together!

16 things you should not do as a wife

1. You should not have a Pinterest board called “eye-candy”.

Think about it, how would you like for your husband to create an online file, fill it with pictures of women – half of them shirtless – label it  “eye-candy” and display it for the world to see?

2. You should not call other men smoking hot.

That kind of verbal adoration is reserved for your husband.

3. You should not drag your old guy friends into your marriage

And insist your husband gets along with them.

Because technically when you said “I do” to your husband, you said “I don’t” to all other men.

If guy-friend isn’t making efforts to be buddies with your husband or if your husband does not like him, stop the fussing: let.it.go.

4. You should not compare your husband

To your super-man dad, your knowledgeable home group leader, your mover-and-shaker boss.

Or any man.

Comparison is such a soul killer.

Allow your husband to be himself, to grow and become the person God created him to be.

5. You should not demand he changes

In an area, if you are not willing to do some changing yourself.

6. You should not withhold sex and affection

In the (deluded) hope it will motivate him to do what you want.

You might find much success with your efforts – aggravation, frustration, manipulation.

Not exactly the kind of success you were looking for.

A frustrated, manipulated husband doesn’t a good partner make.

You want him help and do things for you out of love.

So go first – serve him out of love.

Trust God to meet your needs and change his heart.

7. You should not ignore or dismiss his preferences and likes.

He might not nag about what he likes you to wear, who he thinks you should not hang out with, his favorite food, watching a game together, e.t.c.

But doesn’t mean he doesn’t care any more or he forgot about it.

Listen well, especially to the non-verbal communication.

8. You should not prefer Facebook over your husband.

Or knitting. Or ministry. Or friends.

Or any of your favorite things.

Don’t allow him to slip from # 1 (after God) in the list of your priorities.

9. You should not stop praying.

The answers you seek, the healing you need for your marriage, the growth you want is found on your knees.

Not on your feet.

Or your husband’s face, trying to make a point.

10. You should not expect him to make a good girlfriend.

He’s a dude.

You married a dude.

11. You should not roll your eyes

At the burnt piece of toast and overly sweet tea he presented with much flourish, for lunch.

Accept it with gratitude.

Appreciate and make a fuss when he makes an effort in any area. Allow him to make mistakes.

The sun in your smile and the kiss in your voice will encourage him to try again.

And one day he will make toast and tea just the way – and the time – you like it.

12. You should not be surprised that he misses your hints and cues and “unspoken needs”.

He’s not God; run to God for wholeness and completeness.

And he’s a dude, he’s wired to not-always catch non-verbal communication.

Just say it already. And don’t tire of repeating it (respectfully and nicely).

13. You should not throw away your lipstick.

Or heels. Or cute scarfs.

Or anything he liked on you before you got married.

Don’t let your self go, thinking “he needs to stop being so carnal, he should start loving me for me, not just what’s on the outside”

Girl your man is visual and there’s nothing you can do about it.

The same way you are relational and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Imagine him saying “this woman needs to start appreciating me for me” ..and stops showing any love and affection but for paying bills and taking out the trash.

Eh. Not a good place.

14. You should not say dumb things about your husband

You should not say dumb things about your husband.

(You probably heard me the first time..click here to read about my dumb-day)

15. You should not speak over him as he talks.

You interrupt his thinking process and he struggles to keep up with the conversation.

Aka he might switch off in the brain.

How to avoid these wife-made disasters?

Hold your words. Quieten your internal chatter.

Connect and truly seek to understand what he’s saying; think before your speak.

16. You should not stop having a life outside the marriage.

He is your best friend, your soul mate, a gift from God.

But he can’t ever be your everything.

Cultivate interests and hobbies that don’t take away from your marriage.

Keep good friends.

You will be more refreshed and strengthened, able to give into marriage.

Your turn: What can you add to this list? Love to hear from you in Comments below!

Ps. If you like the post, consider sharing it with friends!

 

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Linking with Titus 2sdays, Messy Marriage, we are That family, Wifey Wednesday
  • Kelly H.

    Beautifully written! I’m a 25-year old wife to be and psychotherapist, and I in no way think any of this is outdated. Many of these things are not only rooted in scripture, but proven to improve relationships through scientific research!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Kelly i am glad this resonates with you, both in Scripture (which is all we need!) and scientifically! I love it when science agrees to God’s truth! Thanks for adding the thought.

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  • Robyn

    Excellent advice!! I think #10 is the most important to remember! In our effort to prove ‘equality’ – we sometimes forget that husbands and wives really ARE different.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      So true Robyn! That’s such a good one to point out, thank you!

  • Kim Adams Morgan

    Ngina, This is a great list. While some of it seems to be “back to the 1950s” shaking these values off for more independent and “I will do what I want” type behaviors (men and women) is exactly what drove our divorce rates up so high and has so many families split apart and living in poverty right now. While this list may seem like harmless things that strong couples can handle (our relationship is different), once you are going through a rocky time (all marriages do), those comments you made about sexy men/women, that male/female friend you have outside of your marriage, or those unkind, dismissive or joking, but hurtful things you said will all be taken in a different light when your spouse is feeling exposed and vulnerable. It can take years to undo this.

    Make wise choices now. God never gives bad advice! Nice job Ngina. Stopping in from Wifey Wed.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Kim, thanks for this input, you have put it well. I think that’s where many of us miss it, we don’t care to build solid foundations and hedges because we think our marriages are already strong and we can do pretty much what we want . Until things get thick later on (as most marriages will experience hard times) and then we have nothing to fall back on.

  • Tamara

    Okay, so while I have to agree with some of these things, number 1 and 2 made me laugh. Why the heck not? I mean, come on, it’s only natural to notice the opposite sex, heck I even point out pretty girls to my husband. We both know we wouldn’t ever go there. It’s about trust, and if you don’t trust them.. what’s the point?

    But each to there own opinion and all I guess.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Tamara, you’ve mentioned “it’s only natural to notice the opposite sex”. Obviously we see things because we have eyes :) but what i mean here is dwelling on that attraction in our words and thoughts and behaviors. There’s a saying that says “i can’t stop birds from flying over my head by i can stop them from making a nest in my head”..or something like that :) I’ve written deeper on the topic of boundaries in marriage and why it’s important and you can read it here http://intentionaltoday.com/protect-your-marriage-keep-boundaries-with-the-opposite-sex/ .

  • http://www.aranchmom.com Kay Schrock

    Excellent. I have the most trouble with #15, because I am so ‘gabby’, and he is quiet. I have to remind myself all the time to just. stop. talking. already! :)

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Me and you both, Kay! My hubby is quieter too. I am learning!

  • http://www.messymarriage.com/ Beth Steffaniak

    I love all of your points here, Ngina! Such good stuff, but you made me nod and laugh out loud with, “You should not expect him to make a good girlfriend. He’s a dude. You married a dude.” haha! So true and so often that’s what we try to do! You are so wise beyond your years, sweet Ngina!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Haha, glad it gave you a laugh Beth! My husband laughed on that one too! Thank you for your sweet encouragement Beth!

  • http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com/ Ugochi

    Great list and I couldn’t agree more! I would add, that we shouldn’t keep company with those who have no value for marriage. The influence can be bad. Thanks a lot for sharing!

  • Emily

    Reading this, it seems that nearly all of them are about respect. Respect him enough to listen to him without interrupting, to not trash him to your friends (one confidante/mentor to give advice over genuine issues is different), to allow him to grow and change at God’s leading.
    Even the one about not throwing away the lipstick – it’s really not fair to do a “bait and switch”. For me, it’s not the heels I need to keep (I’ve never been into makeup), it’s the hiking boots. Having 4 kids doesn’t mean I get to stop doing the adventurous outdoors things we first connected over. (he just bought me new hiking boots. that’s love!).

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      That’s a fresh perspective Emily, I hadn’t thought about it. And most husbands # 1 need is respect! Hiking boots..amen to many adventures! Indeed that’s love! :)

    • Wisdom for Wives

      Great reminder, Emily, to keep up the things that brought you together in the first place.

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    While some of these seem so obvious, we all do some of them.

    #12 hit me hard. For the past few years I’ve been working on this and I’m seeing God change me. I’m less frustrated and our communication has greatly improved.

    Great list!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen TC, blessed to hear about the changes. It’s something I think we learn over time, that we are stronger when we take time to feed ourselves. Thanks for sharing

  • KW

    Yeah, I rolled my eyes at most of this.

  • Lynlee

    Awesome post. We always need to keep Godly mannerisms in our relationships. The ways of the world today are out of control! Though you may get harped on for writing this, it is what God wants us believers to do! :)

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Lynlee, you are so right, it’s not a very popular stand. But like you I believe God wants us to choose the narrow road over the wide one, so we can have the life He promised. Thanks for reading and sharing

  • http://out-ona-limb.blogspot.com/ Amy @ Out on a Limb

    Ngina, you have targeted the socially acceptable “norms” of our culture today. Because women (and men) have opted to take time-tested values and cast them aside in trade for trends that society adopts as “okay” that divorce, infidelity and lack of self-control (the latter supports all of the ideas you have shared) have overtaken relationships.

    ALL generations are willingly walking into the trap. To take wedding vows (how many people actually understand them and take them to heart?) and then continue to live life as you knew it, but with the added benefit of constant companionship and the sharing of a bed … peril. It happens. I have lived it. With the exception of the first few on your list, I’m guilty of them all and almost lost everything.

    Many couples think, “It will never happen to us,” and they continue blissfully living life as they like. The trouble is, if they keep all of these 16 things (and more) alive and well, they risk degrading their marriage slowly over time. It doesn’t happen like lightning. Chances are, you won’t even notice the downward trend.

    That’s how Satan works, ladies (and gentlemen). He got into my marriage in most of these ways, and he convinced us that we were each right in taking the paths we did. When you see the light of Truth illuminating the scene, the errors glare.

    Thank you, Ngina, for sharing lots of truths. I’d like to add “Password Protected” and “Private Messages” as huge, neon danger signs in a marriage. If you are living behind passwords, what are you hiding? The PM world can appear innocent enough, but can turn in an instant into something much more between opposite-sex friends.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amy, thank you, I so appreciate you for sharing your heart. It truly helps when someone shares from their experience and warns about some these dangers when we don’t do as we ought. Thank you for that. I love your addition, secret sin/temptation will fester and grow.

  • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

    I think most of these can go for either the wife or husband:) When we get married we have to remember to put away are single mindset so we can fully focus on our spouse. Great post!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      That’s true Dan, it goes both ways :) I like your thought on putting away single mindsets, i think many times we struggle with that, trying to do marriage with a “single-mentality”. Thanks for sharing that.

  • http://about.me/kimberlyaedwards Kimberly A Edwards

    I agree with everything Ngina posted here. If you’ve ever been through a marital breakup or near breakup that was quite serious you’d understand this post in a better perspective light. I almost lost my husband in 2009 due to his infidelity. It had nothing to do with me. It was all on him. He has since been going through a spiritual transformation. He realized how bad he was and he has repented and sought forgiveness.

    Now, to add to what Ngina has already.

    Never, ever make backhanded jokes to each other. You may not realize it, but, it’s damaging. One snide remark [joke] leads to another until you both decide you’re unhappy and start fighting or stop communicating all together.

    Divorce is at an all time high, in and out of church. It’s at 50% right now. That’s not a good picture.

    If you disagree with Ngina’s post, you’re being convicted by God in your heart because you know this post is right. Don’t fight God or ignore Him. Heed the warning.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Thank you for sharing your story Kimberly, what you’ve said is so true, sometimes you get to understand things a little better when you’ve lived them out. Thanks for sharing that. I love that addition.

      • http://about.me/kimberlyaedwards Kimberly A Edwards

        Thank you, Ngina, for having the platform in place that allows me to share. Sometimes we all need a kick in the backside to come to our senses and to God. Amen.

  • Katie Heiss-Lewis

    I agree with Cassie. I thought this was a joke but then realized it was serious and had to laugh. This is totally ridiculous and WAY outdated….we are no longer in the 50′s people.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      I am glad you saw some of the intended humor in the post Katie :) but yes, it’s also serious.

      • Maria

        Sometimes old fashioned iis the best way to go

      • Katie Heiss-Lewis

        Ha! Glad there was intended humor there, lol I couldn’t imagine that was true lol

        • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

          It’s all true Katie, the humor is in the delivery.

  • Cassie B

    Excuse me? Did we time travel back to the 1950s when women made lists of acceptable “ladylike” behavior? Everyone’s relationship with their husband is different. Mine is built off of mutual trust and respect. He trusts that I can look at another man and say “he is hot” without feeling threatened, and vice versa. He knows exactly who my celebrity crushes are, and I never bat an eye when he sees an attractive woman on TV or in real life who he calls cute/pretty/hot/sexy. We are human, and we are no less in love or attracted to each other by acknowledging that someone else is physically attractive. Also, the day my husband disapproves of me having male friends, new or old, or tells me that he doesn’t want me hanging out with someone is the day that I seriously reconsider whether my relationship is working.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Cassie B, I agree, everyone’s relationship with their husband is different. However, I do think that when couples establish their marriage on the same Godly principles and values, there will be a common thread through the different relationships. Same value system, just different people.

    • http://about.me/kimberlyaedwards Kimberly A Edwards

      Cassie B,

      I have to disagree with you. As Christians we are to be set apart. We may have to live in this World, but, we are not to be conform to it nor are we to be “part” of it. By living the way you are is allowing satan to have control over your marriage. He twisted the truth in the Garden with Eve, and he still does it today. I have male friends, however, they are friends we have together, not separately. Same with him. We never say to each other that we think someone else is hot or whatever word you would like to throw in there. I’ll just leave this right here. I’ve said enough.