I am trying to make more YouTube videos.
I feel a time has come for me to put out more teaching content in a different format, but I’ve been dillydallying, filled with
reasons excuses – from “I don’t have proper lighting” to “I don’t know how to edit videos” and “I’m not sure people will understand my accent.”
But finally it is time.
So I recorded and uploaded my first teaching video on Youtube and after publishing it glanced at the recommended videos section on the right side of the page.
One of the videos was “Is oral sex okay in marriage?” I clicked. Yes, I did. I don’t know what I expected to hear, but I did not expect what I heard.
The speaker did not believe oral sex should be part of Christian intimacy. And she was good at explaining herself; God created everything to function in its place.
Eyes to see ears to hear, fingers to grasp. Get the drift? Everything has its fit. In case you still miss the point, the private parts of a man are made to fit in a particular place in a woman.
I won’t do justice to the speaker’s thoughts; she had a lot to say. And neither am I censuring her perspective. But two or three minutes in, I had to click out. Because I found myself starting a mental conversation (also known as debate) with her.
I don’t know what you think about oral sex in marriage, but I’ll tell you what I think;
I think God has given us a lot of liberty in the married bed. That does not mean anything goes; our freedom still has boundaries.
But when God created intimacy, He did not provide a script to go along with it. He left us to figure it out.
If there was a script, I believe it would be Song of Solomon. And the book is not shy or tame.
I won’t try to go very wide on oral sex because it comes down to what you and your husband want. If you and hubby don’t want to go there, that.is.okay!
But I will say that we probably need to get “the church” out of the married bed. (That is not an original statement, I heard it before I got married and now it makes sense.)
And by the church, I mean as an institution prescribing what a couple can or cannot do in the privacy of their bedroom.
I may be naive here, but I want to believe most Christian couples want to honor God in their relationship; they understand limits to personal freedom.
They know that bigger than their individual liberty with each other are the boundaries of holiness and Christ-likeness within which we operate.
At least that is my hope; that you want to be governed by Christ and will stay off things that dishonor His name and your marriage.
God loves variety!
He is the creator of all things, both seen and unseen. I have yet to figure out why some things exist (for example, snakes), but God created them.
In different places in Genesis 1, God rejoiced at the work of His hands. The author writes “And God saw that it was good.”
What does that have to do with intimacy and creative ideas to spice up sex?
Well, since we are made in His image and likeness (that is, we have powers of thought, creativity, self-consciousness, determination e.t.c) we need to open up to the idea that the reason God gave us minds and creativity was so we could utilize them in our sex lives too!
Instead of clinging to cultural assumptions or inhibitions or what is comfortable and familiar, we should embrace creativity and bring joy and pleasure, not just to each other but to our Creator!
If you don’t believe intimacy excites God, read this.
The level of spice you want to inject into your marriage is totally up to you of course. Some things have more to do with temperament, age, relationship normal, seasons, libido (his or hers) more than anything else.
Again, I am not saying it is sinful not to flavor things up, or you are wrong to enjoy your comfortable tried and tested routines. More power to you!
All I am saying is that we should not confine ourselves to traditions that have their roots with preference, more than Christianity, or being a “good wife.”
Just so we are on the same page, the following is NOT the spice I am talking about.
There’s a whole lot more, but these come to mind
- Any pornography. Includes using porn as a form of foreplay. “After all, we are watching it together” or “I am his porn-star” is still a no. Porn goes against everything true intimacy stands for and should not have a place in your marriage bed. Or any other place.
- Thinking about someone else (e.g an ex, a scene from a movie) while making love with your spouse.
- Forcing or manipulating your spouse to try new things or making them feel bad for not trying out new things, however appropriate they are to you – this does not model Christ’s love.
- BDSM (Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism)
Examples of what I am talking about
- Oral sex
- New sexual positions, different locations
- Sensual aids like edible body paints and oils, sensual lubricants
- Fun romantic games and play, e.g., strip tease, dares
- Lingerie, candles, massages e.t.c
The world has a highly perverted view of sex; but we need to understand that for every copycat that exists, there is an original.
We Christians have the original thing!
We should be leading the way; not in competition with the world but blazing our own path! Jumping in and wholeheartedly enjoying and exploring what it means to have amazing holy sex as married couples!
Again I am not suggesting you are doing badly as a wife if you are shy or are working through a painful past.
But since the greatest sexual organ as women is the mind, it is important to open up to the idea that there’s more than we limit ourselves to. Especially if hubby has been asking.
Here are quick ideas if you are shy (like me) but want to spice things up or put an interesting twist to existing routines in your bedroom
Start with a conversation. And keep talking.
What would make you more willing (or comfortable) to try out something new? Maybe he needs to improve general hygiene, like brush his teeth, take a shower, do all those other non-sexual things (like speak kindly, caring for some home duties, more non-sexual touches).
Well, you need to talk about these things. Instead of stuffing your feelings and completely shutting down advances, let him know what turns you on. Or has the potential to.
2. Take it slowly
Don’t rush anything. Be patient with yourself. And your husband! Give yourself permission to try the new, or add a little twist to an existing routine without adding the pressure of “perfection” or “proficiency.”
One of the things that have set me free in marriage, in general, has been learning to give myself room to explore. I am trying to approach new ideas with an open mind, without feeling like I am making a lifetime commitment.
If it works, well and good, if it doesn’t, that is okay too, we can figure something else! It is not easy when you are are a “black or white” person (you tend to dive all in, or not try at all).
But that small tweak has helped take on more risks. Talk about this expectation (exploring with an open mind) with your husband, so you are both on the same page.
3. Cultivate a friendship with hubby outside the bedroom.
I am more open to new ideas when I am feeling close to my husband. But when I am stressed or harboring stuff against him, I am a drag to be around, let alone to have fun and explore with!
So pursue intimacy outside your bedroom. Cultivate a friendship, change the conversation inside your head. You are more willing and pliable when the rest of marriage is doing well.
4. Be open about how it feels
Going back to #2, just because you signed up for a trip does not mean you have to go all the way to the summit! If it’s too uncomfortable or you need a break, or you are tired, that is fine.
“Enduring” is not what real intimacy is about. Talk through it, let him know what is going on. Expect the discomfort (mentally mainly, but also physical) of trying out something new, like a new sex position.
But don’t be silent if it is not working for you. Keep the conversation going. It is actually a lot of fun to talk through some of these things!
The less wound up and more playful you are, the more exciting and enjoyable the exploration!
5. Address any underlying issues that prevent you from exploring the wonders of intimacy
Some things go beyond a switch in the brain. For some brides, they need to figure out where the switch is.
For anyone who has suffered sexual abuse, some sexual exploration might be too close to the hurt.
It’s just important to know these triggers; to understand the problem is not your husband. He is not a “dirty” guy. Rather your pain comes from somewhere else. This will help you work through issues better.
Also remember that your willingness and friskiness can depend on the time of the month. Some women are like a coiled cornered wildcat in the days before their periods (my hand is up).
It might not be the time to try new things because you are easily frustrated and aggravated. Simply look at a better time.
If you are from a deeply conservative culture like mine, ask God to help you let go of any cultural influences that hinder intimacy.
Ideas like sex is for the husband, you will never enjoy intimacy because you were circumcised, your husband is not meant to see you naked, a good wife does not initiate intimacy, lingerie is for “loose” women e.t.c
Ask God to help you uncover these things and then with His help, face them head on.
A few quick thoughts on oral sex (on your husband) since it was the main thought;
– You can swallow semen; it is not harmful! (Interesting myth – There’s an African tale that brides will grow a little round on the hips because of the presence of semen in her system! Tall tale! : ) But my point? It is palatable.
– It has a taste. It is not a bad taste, but it is there. Don’t expect it to taste like water. If you are particularly icky, you can spit it out (in a polite manner, of course; don’t gag and rush to the bathroom like he’s deposited poison in your mouth).
Simply keep it in your mouth, spit it out in the bathroom and rinse your mouth. The other option is, don’t get him all the way, if you know what I mean. Get close but pull out and do other things.
– Be gentle. That is the most sensitive part of a man’s body, be very gentle. Talk as you progress, so you know what to do, what he likes, how to vary pressure.
– You can use hands too, add lube if you want.
Phew, I feel like I have been super open today!
I did not intend to be all that detailed. But I receive many emails from brides (and a few grooms!) who want to know these things. So I guess it all flowed out today. And on that note, I will soon launch a new special resource on intimacy, so stay tuned!
Finally here are the videos!
So I finally have a YouTube channel! I am new at this video thing, so it is not a perfect home yet.
But it is there and you can click the links below to watch my video teachings. Here are four things you can do while there.
– First, CLICK the links below to watch a video.
– LIKE the video. You do that by hitting the “thumbs-up” sign on the video
– SHARE the videos on social media or forward to anyone you think it might help
– SUBSCRIBE to my channel, so you are first to know when I add a new video.
– You can also leave a Comment on the video, let me know what else you would like me to talk about.
Here are the videos
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Linking with Messy Marriage