Protect Your Marriage: Keep Boundaries with the Opposite Sex

Ngina Otiende / February 10, 2013 / Life, Marriage, Personal Development, Relationships, Success, Values / Permalink

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No one stores valuable treasures in open unsafe places. Instead, they are stored in secure environments – away from thieves and perilous conditions.

I guess that’s just common sense seeing that someone paid a high price for the treasure and want to enjoy it for a long time.

photo: oh paris (creative commons)

Treasuring our marriage

Nonetheless and out of naivety, ignorance or independent/prideful spirit, some of us leave our highest treasure – our marriage - out in the open. Exposed to strange elements, vulnerable, unguarded, unsafe.

This happens when some of us decide we want to have our cake and eat it – have a strong secure marriage but keep our “freedoms” when it comes to relating to the opposite sex.

Border-less marriage is an oxymoron.

When I walked down the aisle and took my vows, Tommy became my #1 man, after God. All my opposite sex relationships would now bow to the relationship I have with Tommy.

Some people find the idea (of keeping boundaries with the opposite sex) backward, legalistic and constricting.

But consider this: You can have all sorts of security devices installed in your home but until/unless you lock your front door, those devices remain useless.

In other words, all the trust and love in the world won’t help you if you don’t take care of the basics.

Thinking that “love is enough“, that “we trust each other and can never be unfaithful“, that “a little flirting with the girls or boys is harmless” is an open door.

Marriage does not have an easy lane

A great marriage comes from great discipline. It comes from doing the small “silly” things (like establishing boundaries with the opposite sex). It comes from doing the uncomfortable, the counter-cultural and counter-flesh.

You’ve probably heard me share this quote by Jim Rohn: You can’t drift to the top of a mountain.

If you want marital success, you’ve got to loose easy living and put on some mountain climbing gear. You must protect that which matters to you.

Consider this

Some things to consider when it comes to keeping boundaries with the opposite sex

You are not as strong as you think you are.
Temptation and sin often feel harmless at the beginning.
All of us have common sense but it can be dulled by lack of use.
Even the best car will careen off the road if the driver takes his/her hands off the wheel.

Personally, I have found the following thoughts helpful when it comes to keeping boundaries with the opposite sex.

1. Don’t go out alone with a person of the opposite sex or give them rides if you are alone in the car.

2. Talk about your spouse often when talking with others. Michael Hyatt calls it the best adultery repellent.

3. Involve your spouse – Keep each other in the loop e.g. cc him/her email messages, talk about your day mentioning who you talked with, share passwords e.t.c

4. Don’t flirt with anyone other than your spouse.

5. Cultivate same couple friendships.

6. Don’t counsel someone of the opposite sex alone. Bring your spouse along or refer the person or do couple to couple counseling. If you must counsel or hold meetings with them, keep the office door open or talk in large open spaces, within sight of others.

7. If you see/feel temptation, F.L.E.E. Don’t try to rationalize or play nice. Run.

Always remember that wherever your treasure is, there your heart will be. If you are constantly working on your relationship, you will want to keep it safe. Invest in your relationship. Holly Smith has a great article on that here.

Question – Do you believe keeping boundaries with the opposite sex is important? Other practical tips you can share?

Check out the follow-up post Protect you Marriage: More Insights on Keeping Boundaries with the Opposite Sex

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http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn Weaver

I know everyone has differing opinions on this but I absolutely agree. Before I met my husband, I’d remained friends will all my exes. However, I told each one of them. the day I met my husband, our friendship would effectively be over. They would become a part of my past and my husband was the only man I’d bring into my future. I have never regretted that decision. And when a few have sent me messages on my FB page, it’s been to tell me how much they respect that not only did I make that commitment but 10 years later I’ve kept it. I don’t respond to their FB messages but they know I received them and I’m grateful they see the benefit in it. And hopefully, for their own marriages -whenever they marry or if they have married- they will do the same. My husband has done the same and doesn’t regret it for even a moment. Almost all of our friends are married so we hang out as couples.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Fawn, thank you for sharing your journey. It’s hard to argue with personal experience and that’s why I love personal stories like yours. Not everyone agrees for sure but reading story like yours confirms that these things matter and are working in many marriages. Thank you so much for reading and adding to the conversation. I appreciate you.
Amy M.

I’d like to add another boundary on this, Ngina, from personal experience: Take exceptional care and monitoring of online/texting/technology tangents in your life.

Technology, in my opinion, is the most obvious prowling lion we have today — and true to the verse, people don’t realize the danger until it has already attacked.

My husband entered into an emotional affair with an overseas coworker a few years ago via technological advances (he ended the relationship, we are in the last stages of healing and have better marriage than ever — praise God!). Innocent beginnings, then counseling her in marriage troubles, then misplaced secretiveness and loss of rational thought. Another victim down for the lion. Technology allowed them to “visit” both in print and on video monitors any time and anywhere. We view social media as another wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The lion enters majestically, but its slow, graceful movements hold the victim’s attention, making him curious. When the lion purrs, it lulls and soothes the victim. A person doesn’t feel the difference between comfort and wearing down … giving in and losing control.

Technology allows for hiding. Private conversations to take place that would never occur in real life. Text come through cell phones that would never happen on voice call. These are tools of Satan, not only in marriage, but for children and family relationships, as well.

Thanks, Ngina, for a well-thought list. You never fail to inspire me.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Amy, I am so blessed and humbled by your openness and willingness to be vulnerable. Thank you for building and encouraging us in this way.
  
  This sentence strikes me “A person doesn’t feel the difference between comfort and wearing down … giving in and losing control.”
  
  So much truth and wisdom and deep lessons. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that somebody see’s and learns!
  
  I love that God has restored your relationship! He is a powerful loving God. Thanks and God bless
http://www.encourageyourspouse.com/ Lori Ferguson

“Border-less marriage is an oxymoron” What a great statement. I love how definitive you are in your suggestions for spouses. It comes back to focus – where is your focus? God first – then our spouse.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Thanks Lori. So true, focus is key.
Millicent

Ngina this is true
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Amen Millicent
http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

These seem so simple yet I can vouch that they will keep you out of trouble. We just can’t trust ourselves/flesh, sometimes it’s better to run!
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Kimanzi, I agree they seem simple! I think that’s why many folks miss them! Glad you’ve found them true in your own marriage. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.
http://aparchedsoul.com/ Grayson Pope (A Parched Soul)

I think keeping boundaries with the opposite sex is HUGELY important. It seems common these days for people to shrug it off as old-fashioned, though. But it’s not about what we think is right, it’s about what is wise. And it’s just not wise to put yourself in positions where you’re tempted. To think it couldn’t happen to you is an invitation for adultery. Great thoughts!
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Grayson, I like what you say about wisdom. Our world has “modernized” to the point of shrugging off common sense and plain wisdom . As Christians, we need to live above reproach too and set good examples to others.
http://www.messymarriage.com/ Beth Steffaniak

I absolutely think boundaries in marriage with the opposite sex are important. In fact, i think we need to also have internal boundaries about how much we allow ourselves to “think” of some opposite sex person in our lives. That “space” is reserved for and committed to my husband. I love your truth here, Ngina. Always right on target and definitely meeting a need!
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  “Internal boundaries” – I love that. Reminds me of the verse that talks about issues of life proceeding from what’s in our hearts. it’s so important to keep inner boundaries! @BarbRav:disqus has mentioned accountability and I think it goes well with your point. Thanks so much Beth.
http://www.beyondthesinnersprayer.wordpress.com/ Barb

I think all of your tips are necessary and good, Ngina. Here’s my tip if you do ever get attracted to someone of the opposite sex: instead of imagining the first step (how fun it would be to go someplace and visit with them), imagine the last step – what would happen if you got involved with this person?

How would it affect your kids (if you have them), your spouse, your church, the community you live in, your ministry, and the people you’ve discipled? After about one minute of fully imagining that last step, I lose every ounce of attraction for a person!

I would also say, if you’re attracted to someone, let a friend know and have that friend hold you accountable to not even THINKING about that person.

In my opinion, boundaries are essential for a long-lasting marriage.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Barb, I love your insights – “Imagine the end from the beginning”. In one of his marriage posts, Michael Hyatt says He remembers what’s at stake – his family, legacy e.t.c. The big picture puts it all in perspective for him.
  I love your word on Thoughts. That’s where we win the battle. Accountability is key.
http://www.lifeofasteward.com Loren Pinilis

I think it’s not just about protecting your marriage from infidelity – it’s also about protecting your reputation from the possibility of infidelity. I have friends of mine who won’t drive in a car alone with a member of the opposite sex – just because they don’t even want other people to see them and make the accusation. Sometimes the rumors are just as destructive.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Absolutely Loren, I agree with you. On matters of reputation it’s not about what you know to be true sometimes, it’s about what others perceive. I think Paul talks about living above reproach in 1 Tim:3:2. I believe it applies to all Christians, not just leaders.
  
  That’s a great standard your friends keep. Thanks so much for adding that perspective.
http://sparkvoice.wordpress.com/ DS

These are fantastic tips and should be on the minds of husbands and wives every where. We definitely need boundaries – and if you don’t think so – you’re fooling yourself. Thanks for making this a point of discussion.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Amen DS. Your thoughts remind me of Psm 119:130 “the entrance of your word gives light, it gives understanding to the simple” We are safe when we listen to His words.
http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

Keeping boundaries is so important. Even if things are innocent, satan can distort anything!

When I worked in the ER, it was hard on my spouse. some of my friends had already had affairs or were divorced. If he only knew how much I talked about him all the time, but he didn’t. At that time we set up boundaries and it helped us both to have peace of mind. We also began praying each night together and praying specifically for each other. not just “God bless my spouse” but “God please help them with this, this and this….thank you for this, this and this.”

God is what keeps our marriage together, the world wants to tear it apart.

Boundaries are good, not old fashioned.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  TC that’s a strong testimony! So often we under estimate the schemes and tricks of the enemy. Your comment reminds me of something my pastor’s wife shared once. When her daughters were in their teen years, she never allowed boys to go into their room. Some people found that odd and sometimes asked her why she didn’t trust her daughters. she told them “i trust my daughters. But i don’t trust the devil”.
  
  I love the stance that you and your hubby took. I believe that being radical in our approach makes all the difference. It’s God’s battle but He will not win it without us. Thanks so much for sharing
  - http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey
    
    Yep, God’s a gentleman. He won’t force us to be on His team.
    I’d never really thought of that as a testimony, just something we went through that brought us closer together.
    - http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
      
      I see it as a testimony cos I think your intentional acts/decisions in that season are super inspiring We so need to be intentional in our marriages!
      - http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey
        
        Thank you and I agree, we need to be intentional…won’t make it to the top of the mountain any other way.
Bernard Haynes

Excellent post. I use a lot of the tips from your list. We have to constantly be on alert because the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. None of us walks around with an ‘S’ on our chest. We can easily fall victims to the enemy’s schemes. That is the reason we need to have the safeguards you listed in place in our marriages.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  “None of us walks around with with “S” on our chests” – I like that Bernard! We must be careful and alert. We are instructed to live above reproach in 1Tim 3:2 ( we are all leaders ). So many are watching to see how we conduct our lives, we need to be testimonies. thanks so much for reading.
  - http://www.leadtoimpact.com/ Bernard Haynes
    
    I really liked this post. I am putting a link on my fb page. I also would like to feature it in my next ezine issue in a couple of weeks.
    - http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
      
      Thanks for sharing the link, Bernard. Absolutely, go ahead and feature in the e-zine. Thanks so much.
http://theregoi.com/ floyd

Great advice. The lost world is weak and looking for strength. What they see in Christians they mistake for our strength; it is not us – it is God in us that they are attracted to. With that thought in mind is how must navigate through our days and use the common sense ideas you’ve used here to be on guard. The lion prowling around looking to devour us comes in many shapes and sizes and it’s easiest prey is pride and insecurity.

Well done. A subject most Christians avoid. Nicely done, Ngina.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  I love these insights Floyd.Surely it’s God in us, not our own strength. Nonetheless God does require we work with Him, that we don’t give the enemy foothold and ammunition.
http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

Some great advice here. I think the idea of talking about your spouse is very helpful, as long as you are talking about your spouse in a very positive way. I’d also like to add that if you have to travel without your spouse that you should do everything possible to communicate on a daily basis by phone or skype. This keeps you connected and is better than an email or text.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Ah yes Caleb, it has to be in a positive way! (otherwise it opens the door for the wrong things!) Thanks so much for that observation.
  
  I love your addition – I agree that skype or phone offers a deeper/more intimate connection. Thanks so much for reading and sharing
http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

I agree with you 100 percent. If someone is married they should not spend a lot of time alone with a person of the opposite sex. It’s dangers ground. I really like your tips.

When talking with a person of the opposite sex (In public, at church, or work) I have to remind myself that my kindness/friendliness might be preserved differently so I make sure to make thing clear by mentioning my wife or son. This clears the water and allows the person know I’m already taken.
- http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende
  
  Dan I like what you say about kindness/friendliness being misconstrued. It’s something I’ve found to be true as well. Mentioning my husband has a way of straightening matters out and removing any grounds for misunderstanding. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.