This is a continuation of Mondays post “You can wait till your wedding night to have sex for the first time“.
Please click here to read the article.
We’ll jump straight to Point 2
2. Waiting (purity) doesn’t exempt you from having intimacy challenges in marriage
So you waited, and believed God would reward you with a man and perfect sex life in marriage.
And then you got married and been wondering where the reward went!
This is how we think the purity walk should play out:
Good girl = Perfect life.
When we think we’ve done our pretty part as singles (kept our hearts and legs together), and then experience intimacy challenges in marriage, we feel like God dropped the ball on us.
Missing the point
But thinking like this reveals we missed an important point; the fact that Christ did not offer guarantees.
He did not say “Come to me and when you obey and stay pure, I will reward you with a perfect (sex) life in marriage”
In fact quite the opposite is promised.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Ponder on the latter part of the verse. Jesus has overcome everything you and I will ever face.
He doesn’t guarantee a perfect flawless existence.
But He guarantees His enduring empowering presence and victory even in difficulties.
The result of living in a broken world
We live in a broken world. And that’s exactly why we need God.
We are not exempt from some of the brokenness of this world, including our own imperfections and human frailties.
The bible says it rains to both the wicked and the righteous.
Life happens to everyone!
Absolutely, making better choices, listening and obeying God will give us better lives.
But we can’t think “I did 1-2-3, therefore I deserve 4-5-6“.
That is not a very mature way of thinking.
It’s not scriptural either.
Genesis 15: 1, God told Abram “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”
That’s the only promise you and I have in our marriages.
That God is our very great reward and through Him we will overcome every difficulty and challenge that comes our way.
5 things you need to have settled in your heart
If you have been working through (or wondering through) intimacy challenges in the bedroom after having waited, here’s 5 things you must have settled in your heart.
1. First, sex is a gift from God.
It is part of marriage.
In fact it’s not even the icing on the marriage cake, it’s part of the cake (Thanks J Parker for the illustration).
As the Author of the mind-blowing experience called marriage, God is heavily invested in it’s success.(Click to tweet)
Every single part of it.
He doesn’t close His eyes to the bedroom part of your life.
Sex was His idea! He thought it up!
And He gave it to your and your husband as a gift – to enjoy it and connect in a deeper way.
So don’t think He’s uninvolved, unconcerned, embarrassed or uninterested with the challenges in your bedroom.
He wants to see you healthy and enjoying every part of your marriage.
2. You must ask God for help.
Really ask Him and believe that He wants to help you.
For those who got married as primary (for lack of a better word) virgins, sexual intercourse is such a far-removed thought before marriage.
It’s not easy to suddenly start sharing with God about its intimate details.
When you experience challenges, you might want to ignore them in the hope they’ll go away by themselves.
Until one day you get this brilliant idea to talk to your mentor ..(but oh how to approach them!.)
But in your haste you forget the most important Person in the whole equation.
We miss the fact that He is our only help.
He’s the only that can knows the depths of your intimacy issues.
Counseling is great..but it’s not a replacement for God. (Click to tweet)
Your mentors or therapist , much as they want the best for you, can’t do what God can do.
So learn to run to God first with your issues, don’t run to counseling as if people can solve your problems.
That’s a heavy burden to put on someone else.
Press in and ask God to help you to understand the roots cause of your issues so that you are not fighting symptoms but dealing with the real problem.
3. Understand that God will often use others to help and instruct us.
I had to put point #2 before #3 because so often we mix up the order of importance.
We go to people with our problems first and then pray later.
But that’s the wrong order.
Pray before you see your mentor/therapist/doctor. Pray as you see them. Pray after you see them.
Just be a wife who prays. Period.
I come from a very conservative African culture and sex happens to be one one of those taboo topics.
But I think it’s just across board, most people don’t like to talk about intimates like sex.
Especially early weds.
Because we mistakenly believe the early years marriage are the vroom vroom years, any difficulty in that area means the marriage is doomed.
But that’s a mistaken belief.
Challenges can happen to any couple, regardless of number of years married.
So purpose to pursue health; get over yourself and open up.
Getting with God first will give you the courage and wisdom to articulate your challenges to trusted mentor.
Without pressing in and hearing and obeying God, you’ll want to hide and say nothing.
Or blurt out, with zero sensitivity and wisdom, which can end up hurting your marriage more.
4. Remember the devil is a liar.
He’ll try to speak all kinds of crazy things into your head.
Why is this happening to us. Why are we broken. What’s wrong with us. Are we ever going to get the hang of it.
I love this article, the writer is talking about deception and how the enemy tries to twist us out of our calling and vocation.
And he’s so good at it that sometimes the lies don’t feel like lies at all.
Don’t listen to his accusations and lies about yourself, your husband and marriage.
Don’t look at your pasts and compare them to the present; refuse to walk in regret.
Don’t look at other couples and compare them with yourselves.
Listen to God, tune into His desires for your marriage. And tune out the devil.
Remember that if you give the devil your ear, he’ll never run out of things to say to you. (Click to tweet).
You can’t believe both lies and truth at the same time, one will always win.
5. Commit yourself to work through intimacy challenges.
Don’t give up!
Sex is beautiful; it’s a gift from God and glues you together in ways you can’t fathom.
So keep the conversation going in the bedroom.
Be sensitive and understanding. Apply what you are learning.
Go the extra mile.
Keep inviting God in.
Keep working on other areas of your marriage and develop your friendship.
The work never ends
This might shock you but you never really “arrive”.
At least not in the sense of “no more work required”.
Because seasons change, life gets busier, kids come or increase in number, he gets a promotion, you start a new job.
Each of these seasons present new challenges and joys and you have to keep adjusting.
So don’t hold out for when you can finally kick back and “not work so hard!”.
Intimacy does get better as you become more confident and overcome challenges.
But just like in other areas of marriage, you will never come to a “cruise control” stage.
There’s so much we could share on this area and this was just a general overview.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on how a wife and husband can overcome intimacy challenges. What can you add? Please share in Comments below.
*If you are experiencing challenges in the bedroom or simply want to know more, please pick up my book Blues to Bliss, Creating Your Happily-Ever-After In The Early Years
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