To Thrive or To Wither? It’s Your Choice

/ January 13, 2013 / Life, Marriage, Personal Development, Relationships, Success / Permalink

“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” – Michael Cibenko

In marriage, our past can shape our present for good or for bad.

I don’t know about you but I want the experiences and lessons of 2012 to make me better, not worse.

Nonetheless, becoming better won’t happen by itself. Life is not arbitrary; it involves choice and grace.

what do you want for your relationship in 2013

photo credit: diametrk (creative commons)

I guess the question we should ask ourselves concerning gleanings from 2012 and our desires for 2013 is “What do I want?”

It comes down to us – what we decide and bring before God.

4 thoughts on thriving in 2013

1. Learn to lean into pain instead of running away from it

When I hurt, my default setting is to the pick up the fastest, nearest solution. I’ll say “I am fine” when am not. I’ll react or tear up or eat.

In his book Kingdom Journeys, Seth Barnes says that God designed pain to be a signal, a flashing light telling us something is wrong.

In 2013, you need to lean into our pain instead of band aiding it. Stop covering it up with quick solutions, trite answers and blame. Don’t muscle your way through either.

Dig deeper and get to the root. Of course it hurts more to linger, to dig deeper, but that’s how you get healed.

Real healing comes when we know where we hurt; and we won’t know where we hurt until we pay attention. (You can click here to tweet that)

2. Let go of the past

I’ve learned that I cannot move forward when my mind is on reverse gear. I guess I could push myself and force things but that is no way to do marriage.

God’s mercies are new every morning and I think that’s a huge hint – we should live light, letting go of yesterdays disappointments, even pedestal-building  victories.

God is constantly challenging me to look at my husband through His eyes. He challenges me to give him room to grow and change. Not to look at him with ‘old eyes’, thinking he’s the same old person.

God is at work in His life (as He is in mine) – acknowledging that helps me live light.

In 2013, you can’t have the shadow of your spouse cast so long that it stops you from seeing the new person that God is making them to be.

3. Determine to live from the overflow

Human beings are happiest when they are operating from the overflow. We don’t like operating from the dregs, left overs and crumbs.

Now to operate from the over flow, you got to know where to get filled. Jesus declares “I am is the bread of life, Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty”

When Christ works His ways in you, it won’t matter what you went through last year; you’ll be able to look at the new year with brand new eyes.

I like a comment left by Loren Pinilis  in a past post

“(The new year) is a chance for us to see where we’ve come from, not so that we can feel defeated. But so that we can look forward to God empowering us to overcome our failures, so that we can remember the grace and gifts that He’s given us…”

You don’t have to live in defeat, you don’t have to operate from and serve up left overs to your spouse. You can plug into the Source and thrive.

4. Focus on your growth

This year, my marriage goals looks very different from last years’. I think last year I focused on things that were mostly out of my control (you know that’s NOT how to do goals). This year my goal is very simple and it’s all on me.

I’ve learned (and continue to learn) that so long as I keep doing my part – growing and doing what needs to be done, even the difficult and challenging things – God will do His part. He’ll make my marriage flourish.

But if I try to make my hubby grow and change..well, you know how that ends.

For your relationship to grow in 2013, you must grow as a person.

Sheila Gregoire says that she’s yet to find a happy couple that drifted into happiness. Jim Rohn says that it’s difficult to drift your way into the top of a mountain.

You must be working on yourself constantly, hearing what the Spirit of God is saying and focusing on your growth.

Question – How else can we get better in 2013? Please share your thoughts in Comments.

Linking with Monday Musings,  To Love Honor and Vacuum
  • Amy M

    I really like your perspective, and it’s totally true — we have to change as people to have a marriage renovation. I don’t have change that I can put on a list at the beginning of the year, but I do meet changes I need to make along the way.
    The main idea rests on paying attention to the details of our marriages and not taking a bit of it for granted … the better or the worse. We learn from the worse and celebrate the better, and that’s what gives us not only perspective, but the yearning to form change and goal targets in the first place.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amy, I love this “paying attention to the details of marriage”. Without this attention, many things will escape our attention. The more aware we are, the deeper our goals will be.

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing these insights. They have blessed me.

  • http://www.messymarriage.com/ Beth Steffaniak

    You’ve got some great insights here, Ngina! I’ve got “change” and “goals” on my mind too, but you’ve come from a completely different angle and I really like it! Great post, my friend. BTW, just tweeted your quote. I’m always looking for a good one!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Beth, just read your post – we really were thinking along the same lines..just different perspectives! Love your insights, esp on goals versus desires. Thanks for coming by and sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/JenniMullinix Jenni Mullinix

    We definitely must be intentional in order to grow towards each other in our marriages! My husband and I learned this the hard way and are are working on it more this year.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      That’s great to hear Jenni. Being intentional makes a huge difference! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    I like what you said about looking at my spouse with new eyes. God is changing us both, it’s unfair and short sighted to only see him through yesterdays lenses. Pretty Deep. Thanks!

    How can we do better in 2013…I’ve been reflecting on that. For me, it’s drawing closer to God and asking Him to reveal hidden things to me and for me to learn to rest in Him instead of controlling all I “THINK” I can.
    I’m learning to let go and let God.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      You are welcome TC, glad it resonated!

      ‘Asking God to reveal the hidden things’ – what a great place to be. It’s true that we are limited by our finite minds and understanding. I’ve come to love Deut 29:29 and Psalms 25:14 – great verses that reveal God is willing to reveal when we ask. Thanks so much for sharing

  • http://sparkvoice.wordpress.com/ DS

    We can be better by trying, by being a servant, acting out of love, and forgiving just as we’ve been forgiven.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen DS, great ways to grow and improve in 2013. Thank you for sharing

  • http://www.lincolnparks.com/ Lincoln Parks

    I know getting better is a process and I think it starts by being Intentional with everything you do daily. Make small daily deposits into what you want to accomplish and keep God first.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      I think it’s John Maxwell who talks about doing small acts, not to wait for ‘big’ moments. It’s so true, small daily deposits often make the difference between getting where we need to go and not getting there at all. And keeping God first makes all the difference.

  • http://www.lifeofasteward.com Loren Pinilis

    I like your thoughts on viewing your spouse through God’s eyes. I think that’s such a wonderful outlook to have on marriage. I know that’s something I often struggle with and could definitely benefit from if I did it more.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      I also struggle in the area..haven’t ‘arrived’. It requires continuous death to self, changed heart and renewed mind, which is a process. But I think God (and my spouse :) ) likes our continuous effort, pressing towards the goal, as Paul said.

  • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

    Great areas! I think think seeking counseling or mentorship allows us to become better and to deal with life circumstances. It’s always better to move through life with strong relationships rather than trying to do everything on our own.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen Dan, I know mentors have helped us become who we are today: they set the deep godly foundations that our marriage rests on today. great addition.

  • http://www.beyondthesinnersprayer.wordpress.com/ Barb

    Great list, Ngina. My marriage got a lot better when I started working on myself and stopped working on my husband. :) I also love your lean into the pain point. It’s easier to just give up or find something to distract me, but when I lean into the pain, I always grow. And growth usually leads to less pain in the long run.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      I’ve discovered that to be true as well Barb! (growth leads to less pain in the long run). Allowing it hurt now (as I seek growth) seems to help me avoid ‘many hurts’ in the future.

  • http://theregoi.com/ floyd

    Excellent list and thoughts. We all try to bury pain before we’ve gained the wisdom it brings I think.

    One way for me is to seek first our Father. I mean not just in reading, but in deep study. That is my lifeline. Not sure where I’d be without that part of my life.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen Floyd. ‘Lifeline” – a great way to put it. When we are intentional in our search and study of Him, our lives reflect it.