When You Say Dumb Things About Your Husband

Sometimes back I told a friend of mine I don’t feel married.

“He’s such a buddy of mine, I don’t feel like we are husband and wife!”

At least that’s how I remember my words.

When you say dumb things about your hubby (& 3 ways to build the hedge)

Later on that day, my friend would say something that left me in no doubt she misunderstood my words earlier.

Nothing offensive (at least not intentionally), just borderline disrespectful.

Giving permission

So I was getting ready to get riled up, when my words from our earlier conversation came back to me Рhow my buddy possibly  built up her thoughts from there.

Have you ever been there, made some off the cuff statement about your husband or marriage?

You didn’t mean to sound thoughtless, infact your words were probably okay.

But you forgot to take into account the context in which you spoke them – who you said them to, how you said them, even when you said them.

We find ourselves in those tricky places as wives because we like to chatter – it’s how we do life and relationships. Lots of verbal connection.

In the course of some of our conversations, someone will make a scalding comment concerning your marriage or husband¬† and you’ll be swinging from the roof in anger.

You don’t realize that you might have established a standard with your words.

All that idle sharing of thoughts and chatter and updates of every day life lowered a bar.

And gave others permission to tread where they shouldn’t.

Easier to maintain than to repair

It’s easier to maintain boundaries than to go back and repair them.

It’s easier to watch your mouth – however hard (or silly) it feels sometimes – than to try and rebuild a soiled reputation.

At first I wanted to correct my friend but soon realized that it wasn’t something I could “fix” in a moment.

It would take other positive reinforcements and a careful tongue.

Note: I am not implying that we should keep quiet when someone says something disrespectful. That was just my unique situation.

When you say dumb things about your husband (and 3 ways to build a hedge around your love)

Not always in control

Now you can’t control how everyone receives your words. People will think what they want to think.

But you can do your job right – watch what you say, how you say it and who you say it to.

Understand that well meaning words can be taken out of context and mean something you didn’t intend them to mean.

As a wife you are a builder. Proverbs 14:1 says (Click to Tweet)

¬†“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”

So it’s not enough even to avoid saying the wrong things. You must be saying the right things.

Here’s a few things I try to do in my own marriage to build up our boundaries.

1. Saying nice things about him to others when opportunities arise.

Unless I watch for opportunities to build up my husband before others, I miss them completely.

Most of us are like that, we have a lot going on in our heads at any given time and we miss good opportunities to build him up in public.

Here’s an example of a missed opportunity;

A guest at your dinner table gushes about your good cooking.

Your hubby helped out a bit – he made the salad – but once the complements start flying, you hog it all, not a mention of his great salad skills.

(For the most part I think many husbands will jump in and identify themselves as the salad makers!)

Zeroing in on how great a salad-maker your husband is might seem small. But it’s really big when you look at it in the larger scheme of things.

It’s setting a tone for your relationship and keeping the bar up.

People get to watch you being nice and adoring to your husband and in turn builds a hedge around your marriage.

Takeaway: it’s not just important to restrain yourself from saying dumb things, you need to say good things!

2. I tell him how much he means to me

It’s not enough to let others know how much your husband means to you, you need to let him know. (Click to Tweet)

Often times we think they know and so we don’t tell them often enough.

I am a huge work in progress too but I continue to make intentional efforts to let him know how much he means to me.

Knowing how much he’s loved and appreciated and accepted will keep his heart happy and secure in his home.

And that confidence and security will show to the outside world.

3. I watch what I say, who I say to and how i say it

I fail at this one because I am a talker. Not too much of one, but I talk enough to get me into trouble sometimes (Case in point, story above).

But I try to be careful about what I say and who I am saying it to.

Sometimes we have friends who “get us”, and those who don’t.

Some friends have been in your life since before you got married two years before, others you haven’t seen since you got married.

Always understand context. And people.

You can say something to a close buddy and she won’t take it as permission to cross a line.

But somebody else might take it as permission to begin treading where they shouldn’t.

Your turn – Ever found yourself sporting a foot in your mouth? How do you re-build again when you have lowered the bar in your marriage? I would love to hear your thoughts in Comments below.

 

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Linking with Titus 2sdays, Growing Home, we are That Family, Messy Marriage, Wifey Wednesday, Wise Woman
  • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

    I think speaking kind and loving words to our spouses on a daily basis is essential. It really allows the marriage to thrive! Great thoughts!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen Dan, that’s a great way to keep the marriage strong!

  • http://www.barbraveling.com/ Barb Raveling

    I am the master at off the cuff remarks, Ngina. I used to say things that would get me in trouble right and left. Getting better as I get older, thankfully! The bad thing about words is that you can never take them back – and not everyone thinks my words are as funny as I do!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      So true Barb, once the words are out, they are out. Sometimes trying to explain or clean up sometimes just makes a bigger mess! Amen to growth. Ha, i hear you about being funny, (or not being funny), I am not alone! :)

      • http://www.barbraveling.com/ Barb Raveling

        Wow, that’s so true. I do often try to explain and clean up and I make the situation worse – I just did that last week. I will have to remember that that often makes it worse!

        • http://www.barbraveling.com/ Barb Raveling

          And the first thing I said wasn’t even bad – I didn’t stick my foot in my mouth until I started explaining!

          • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

            Haha, I feel you!

  • KimberlyAmici

    I love this take on watching our words especially when it comes to our marriage. The idea that our endless chatter lowers the bar of our conversation and we become too casual with how we speak about out husbands. I have fallen victim to this but now I am aware. I think the bar can be raised back up but only by being thoughtful and intentional about what I say in the future. Stopping over from Wifey Wednesday.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Being thoughtful and intentional, completely agree, Kimberly! Thank you for stopping by and sharing!

  • http://www.messymarriage.com/ Beth Steffaniak

    Oh, yes! So true, Ngina! I had a good friend years ago that I often shared every ugly detail of my heart and the conflicts I’d had (with my hubby) to her listening ears. This was during my early and very Messy Marriage years, when I didn’t know better! Years passed and she got involved in an affair and quickly moved to divorce her husband. I tried to reason with her and encourage her to wait and work on it. She blasted me back at one point, throwing all the negative things I’d shared with her about my hubby in my face. I knew in the moment I’d not only dishonored Gary, but Christ. I had singlehandedly contributed to the crumbling of her view of marriage and had become a stumbling block in her faith. It was a watershed moment for me–and am avoiding this at all costs since! Great words of wisdom, sweet sister!

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    I can’t relate to this post, Ngina. I’ve never said a dumb thing in my life (Ha, Ha).

    I haven’t just had one foot in my mouth, I’ve had both feet in my mouth!

    As I get older, I’m learning to keep those feet out of my mouth, but I struggle sometimes.

    Thanks for these great reminders!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Haha, TC!

      Two feet is a mouthful! I’ve been there too, plenty of times! Amen to growth and God’s grace!

  • Betty Draper

    Since I am the mouthy one in our almost 50 years of marriage I have messed tons. My type A get it off my chest, lets clear the air, just want you to pray for us, oh, I know I have messed up too attitude just won’t cut it when I put my husband down. It really is a lack of respect on my part when I speak ill of him. Keep pouring this good stuff out Ngina…it never get old, always needed, am thankful for any reminder that helps me walk like a child of the King which means I will be a good help mate.

  • http://about.me/kimberlyaedwards Kimberly A Edwards

    Ever heard a wife complain/put down her husband to other women? Imagine how those women would react… It reminds me of a scene from a movie I saw where the husband said something that the wife was highly agitated over. She ran to her lady tribe and told them some story. She had all those women believing he was in the wrong and they were all judging on him. In my book, that is NOT the way you handle a dispute with your husband. In fact, somewhere in God’s word He commands us to work through it and don’t let the sun go down on our anger.

    Okay, sorry… this is just a pet peeve of mine with women.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      :) i feel you Kimberly. It’s just not nice! Marriage deserves honor.

  • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

    It’s so easy to speak loosely about our spouses, especially with a friend but we have to remember who they are and what they mean to us, we should never speak that way.

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      True Kimanzi!

  • http://theregoi.com/ floyd

    We all need to guard our words and heart. I screwed up big time this week and didn’t realize it. Words we use to describe ourselves or the world can’t find their way into the words we use for and on our spouses. It’s a constant battle of the flesh for most of us I believe. Thanks for the reminder. I could have used this post last week!

    • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

      Amen Floyd, our spouses deserve only our best…that’s the way to nurture a great love in marriage. Thanks for that reminder too.