The concept of wedding night can be exciting and anxiety-inducing.
It was almost 7 pm and my feet were tired.
The hair pins were digging into my head, my make-up was gone, the wedding dress was uncomfortably tight around the waist (note to the bride – a snug fit around the waist will feel tighter after a meal!)
And our good friend had driven off with our honeymoon luggage.
One of my girlfriends offered to help out: Go to her house for a quick change of clothes.
My husband gave me that look that I’ve come to understand means “Let’s talk about this some more?”
Starting our first night at a girlfriend’s house rather than a honeymoon suite was not the plan we ‘d had in mind.
And so it was, after a long and event-filled day, finally arrived at our honeymoon hotel.
Finally. Just the two of us.
The start of our marriage.
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The Wedding Night
You might read this post after your wedding night because I write about marriage. However, many brides-to-be are planning their weddings (one of my friends is getting married this week!) and visiting this blog for tips and ideas!
I hope we can turn this post into a resource for soon-to-be brides and newlyweds.
10 things every bride should know before (and about!) her wedding night
1. Take it slow
It’s been a long tiring journey, planning for your wedding.
The running around, the planning, the actual wedding day, it will all take a toll on you and your beloved – mentally, emotionally and physically.
By the end of your wedding day, you’ll be tired though chances are you might not even feel it (that adrenaline thing can lie!)
My husband and I knew we were tired. Plus I was recovering from chicken pox, so my tiredness was on the double. Our plan for the honeymoon night was dinner, lots of cuddles, perhaps a massage, plenty of rest and sleep.
But things didn’t’ go exactly as planned. “Slowing down” is easy to say, but you’ll also need to make room for adjusting and going with the flow. So talk about it ahead of time so you’re both on the same page. Have a rough idea how the evening will play out.
For example, a typical Kenyan wedding ceremony might last the whole day. Afterward, a couple will have a long drive – or flight – to their honeymoon destination. There’s only so much you can do after being awake and active for almost twenty-four hours.
There’s no hard and fast rule but if you can plan to ease into intimacy, the better the evening/night will be.
2. Be open to learning
Maybe you want to “wow” each other on your wedding night. There’s nothing wrong with that. You want your night to be memorable and intimate and a 10 out of 10.
I am not trying to be a wet blanket because there’s nothing wrong with planning to connection and fun and plans! But sometimes super high expectations can set you up for disappointment when things don’t go according to the plan.
It’s time to shorten the learning curve and enjoy marriage sooner, not later! You don’t have to stress about sex, communication, expectations or money! Get on the road to a deeper and more fulfilling marriage. Get The Newlyweds here.
And so consider coming to your wedding night with an open heart and mind. Not because you don’t have any healthy expectations but because your goal is mutual intimacy and pleasure, not gymnastics.
So prepare to become a student of your spouse, not just on the wedding night, but for the rest of your married life.
3. Embrace learning
Many women come into their wedding night feeling like they are lacking something. Maybe their sexual ethic included not having sex outside of marriage.
Sometimes, a lack of sexual experience also comes with a lack of healthy teaching about sex. And so, the first time women have sex, some women don’t feel equipped or ready for this part of their lives. And they feel like they will never learn anything.
The truth is, you will always be learning something. So, better get comfy in that student seat! But the whole truth is that if you are both committed and open to growth and learning, you can learn. No matter what camp you fall under, engage with the truth that you can learn.
Wedding Night: Important Reminder
At this point, it’s also important to remind you that you have autonomy: you are your own person, and you have the power to choose what is true and healthy. If you get married, and on Day One (aka wedding night), observe behavior or attitudes from your groom that make you uncomfortable, it is okay to pause and reflect what you just noticed.
You don’t have to rush through anything to “fulfill” a wedding night “dream. It’s okay to check in with yourself. It’s okay to say “No.” It’s okay to digest truth and let it guide your steps. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up concerning behaviors or topics with your spouse, consider talking to someone you trust who is safe and healthy.
4. It might be awkward
I had no idea that one can kiss and breath at the same time! (Yeah.) So I held my breath on our wedding night..and nearly fainted! Okay, I kid. But I was breathless lol.
So your delicate lingerie might snap, you might fall off the bed, you might dislike the feel of lubricant, you might feel shy or clumsy.. (Hopefully not all of them in the same night!)
Here’s something to remember – sexual intercourse (wedding night sex, especially!) is not like the movies! It can be awkward and messy! Doing it for the first time can be twice as awkward, messy and even hilarious! So you’ll need to bring in your “easy genes.”
Feeling awkward and thinking of hanging out in the bathroom till you die of old age? Well, be gentle with yourself. Tripped on your elaborate pair of heels? (see why #2 is such a good idea?) Laugh it off and get along.
There’s a chance that your spouse has some nerves as well. You are not alone. Talk things out. Take things lightly. These awkward moments are “naked and unashamed” in motion; you are learning to be vulnerable with each other. And making fun memories in the process!
Want to go from “I Do!” to “I Still Do!“…without the baggage of societal and religious conditioning?
Get the clarity, discernment and relationships skills you need to co-create a healthy, mutual, connected marriage NOW.
You love your partner. Now it’s time to explore what true love really looks like.
5. Communicate
The reality is that you are learning each other’s bodies. You don’t need to deliver a whole thesis, but communication is key.
As we pointed out in # 2, you might not know everything; it’s your first night together (even if it’s not, it’s still the first night as a married couple and that might feel different.)
So, learn how to communicate and engage to let each other know what’s going on. And to let him know what’s going on with you,you’ll need to understand what’s going on with you first. So tune in and listen (see #6).
Some Christian teachings have taught women “he’s the man; he’ll figure it out.” Other teachings have given men unhealthy ideas about women, like “She’s super intuitive and she’ll just flow.” The wedding night (and marriage) becomes a massive mental gymnastic exercise in which two people have assumptions about one another.
It’s better to engage and talk. Understand that you are both individuals. You are not a book or theory. You are your own person with unique experiences, perspectives, needs, desires, history, etc.
So, for example, if wedding night sex hurts or you want to try something else or if you are sore and want a break, instead of going by an assumption, talk to each other. Communicate.
Unhealthy teachings around sex can lead not only massive assumptions around sex but also cementing of existing unhealthy ideas about sex. In many cultures for example, women are often cast in the role of “passive receiver” while men are given the “leader” role.
I remember having a thousand and one thoughts buzzing through my mind on our wedding night – the guests, the food, the dancing, the music, the ceremony.
And the TV running in the background; I was distracted to pieces, but I did not know what I know now – that sex begins in my mind aka I need to be present and active in the process.
I am not trying to gross you out but the first time I heard that brides bleed on their wedding night, I had images of a blood bath in our wedding bed. We can be mixed up and loopy about the wedding night!
The first time might come with some discomfort, but that’s all it should be. Not everyone experiences discomfort on their wedding night or the first time they have sex. If sex is uncomfortable, be gentle, be careful. (In my book, we go into details of why sex might be painful or uncomfortable and what to do about it.)
If sex hurts too much or there’s bleeding that is heavy or doesn’t stop, please put a pause and see a doctor.
8. The wedding night is not the end, but the start of your life together
Here’s the main thing I’d love for you to take away from this post.
You don’t have to have a perfect wedding night. In fact, many healthy couples will tell you that they did not have a picture perfect wedding night. But they loved it anyway.
Yes, even with nerves and hiccups, it was the start of their married life, and they wouldn’t trade being together for anything. There was so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
So don’t exchange the joy and fun for perfect. Enjoy the evening/night/day and keep in mind that it’s not all you have. There are hundreds of nights to come. And if problems arise, like sex being painful, please pause and talk to a health professional.
If you’re both willing, there’s time to learn, grow and explore.
9. It’s not just about the wedding night sex
Real intimacy is marriage is not just about sex. It’s about connecting in all areas – mentally, emotionally, relationaly, spiritually.
Hopefully, you’ve been deepening your friendship before your wedding night.
Continue building on your friendship during the dating and engagement season and marriage. Because it’s connecting in these other areas that make sex mutually fun and enjoyable.
10. Wedding Night Sex – Mentorship
I love online connections (like this blog) and reading great books and listening to healthy teachings.
However, we are designed for real life with real people. This blog and every other resource are meant to complement real life relationships, not replace them.
Sometimes I’ll receive an email from a reader, and the first thing I want to find out is if they have a safe person, someone to talk to about life and difficulties.
We are meant to do life together. Find people to encourage you past your wedding day. I know healthy people are not always accessible. But if you can, explore in that direction.
A healthy mentor can have practical ideas about wedding night sex because they are further down the road that you are. For example, I thought I was weird because we were using added lubrication weeks after the wedding. I mentioned it to my friend, and she assured me I was normal!
You might have questions, need real-life clarifications from someone who knows you personally. I can think of some practical things a mentor or close friend can help you with
– If sex is downright painful, like shads-of-glass-tearing-into-you painful, or just too uncomfortable, stop and see a doctor fast.
– Empty your bladder after (and before, if you can get to it). It will help you not catch a urinary tract infection.
– Fall in love with cleanliness. (I know that sounds obvious, but yeah, a reminder is good.)
– Use a lot of lubrication. (Update. Rachel Ramey has an excellent comment on this, check it out below)
– Keep a towel near; like we said, sex can be messy.
– Get something that makes you feel good on your wedding night but remember that a stringy lingerie might look good on a mannequin, but it needs to fit a real life body.
It’s impossible to share everything in a single blog post. That’s why I wrote The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage. Prepare emotionally, mentally and physically for marriage, get confidence and the practical answers to questions you haven’t dared ask aloud. (So you can be the confident woman you desire to be!) Your wedding night doesn’t have to be stressful! Get the book >>
Hi! I'm Ngina and I'm a certified marriage coach, author, and blogger. I'm on a mission to help women find clarity so they can begin to address problems. I examine unhealthy relationship advice and how elevating the marriage institution above individual welfare has harmed us. I love Jesus, my sweet guy and a hot cup of tea.. Join the Adventure
76 Comments
I think a lot of these things are well known. The biggest thing about having great sex is fully understanding how your body works. Many Christian women don’t have a grasp on how their reproductive system works in perfect alignment with how God created us-to be fruitful and multiply. 😉 beyond knowing the things in this article, you must understand the nitty gritty details. I promise your sex life will drastically improve if you understand it from a biological/physiological standpoint.
PLEASE SAVE ME
I am a 25-year old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as,
I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear.
When I was around 10, my female cousin (around the same age)
and I used to sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand
accidentally touched my thigh and felt something bulging.
She asked me what it was. In my childly enthusiasm I opened
my shorts and all that she saw was my erect penis. She got
excited and started rocking it saying she has been able to see
my ‘shame-shame’. Later, in the same excitement she told
all this to her mother as though it were some achievement
on her part ! For this, both of us got a good spanking
with a warning that it is indeed shameful for boys and girls
to see the ‘shame-shame’ of one another. As I grew older,
I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations.
But the situation I am going to get into, demands that
the shameful be considered desirable – all in the name of sex !
And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl / young lady
reacts on seeing a penis. Pray tell me whether she would feel
shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock at my shame-shame.
How do I even hope to face the ‘blasphemous’ prospect of her
having to touch it with her hand ? I do not see any escape from
the situation I find myself in. I would feel ‘extremely’ relieved
if I am able to have a response.
Hi! I am so sorry! Please click here to read my wedding night tips for the groom
It sounds like you have a lot of shame around sex – please please check out this website Knowing Her Sexually, it’s geared towards husbands know and understand their wives sexually.
I thank you for the information! I was looking for and could not find. You helped me!
Hey Ngina,
Thanks for the article, it’s an eye opener. I have a quick question, what is your opinion on other types of sex such as oral and anal sex within marriage. Is it acceptable to God? Kindly assist
Hi Ngina! I will marry a month away. I love to read your article. Thank you to have shared advice for newlyweds. This will be very helpful. livebetter.nl
Congratulations on your up coming wedding, Sana! I am so glad this was helpful.
Great content. Thank you for your post. These tips will be very helpful for our beloved brides and future brides.
Hi Ngina i love this conversation .Am now one month and two weeks practicing celibacy.Ihad suffered masturbation for 11 years and so i decided to take it slow.Am just 22 i had to learn how to pray and i asked God to just help me be pure again.I had to let go of my ex’s it was not easy but me getting pregnant and realizing someone was with me for fun was awakening.Igot a miscarriage early this year and took it positively that may be God had a purpose for me to retrace my steps.I decided to let go of masturbation and wait for sex until marriage and trusting God will grant me my wishes according to his grace.God is faithful so far
Hello Evelyn, I am thrilled by your decision to cling to God. I am sorry for the miscarriage but glad that you’ve found much comfort in God. Just like you do, I believe in His faithfulness to keep you, as you rely on him. In case you want to read some more, I wrote on masturbation in this post and I’ve linked to another article that you might find helpful as you walk in this road . God bless and thank you for sharing your journey
I agree about getting a mentor and reading some good manuals. Waiting until you are married is often preached at women who never get more information than that. Their church and even parents just assume the wedding ring will magically imbue the newlyweds with magnificent sexual prowess. Nice story. Instead their daughter becomes one of the generations of brides who lay in their wedding beds, sore and bleeding, thinking, “I saved myself for THIS?”
First off – forget what you’ve read in novels and seen in movies. Those are deliberately “enhanced” in the plot. The reality is that you probably won’t enjoy sex that much the first time. It will hurt, it’ll be awkward, and lots of virgin men find, to their dismay, that they can’t rise to the occasion the first time.
What should you do, then? Remember that there’s a first time for everything. Were you born knowing how to walk? Ride a bike? Dance? Sex is the same way. Trust me – it WILL improve with practice.
Embrace the unknown. Share your worries and hopes with your spouse. Aren’t you married now? You can get through this together. Explore what you like, what you feel, talk your way through it. Enjoy the simplicity of a touch here and there. Get some good lube, and make using it part of the act.
You have the rest of your life to learn and enjoy.
HH, it is like you read my inbox! 🙂 I absolutely agree with you about equipping women with the right information! It’s not enough to tell folks to wait, its important to teach them what to do after the wait. And I love your tips! Thank you for taking time to share them. Bless you!
You too. God bless!
I was one of those virgin brides who thought I saved myself for this? Sadly, very little improved and our sex life has been a huge disappointment for many,many years. I hope no one puts up with what I have experienced.
I am so sorry intimacy has been a disappointment. You can read my blog posts on sex in marriage here
Same here. Decades of disappointment has led to late life despair.
Thank you for the advice . I’m happy I found your blog 🙂 I’m getting married in 2 months. I’m so excited and nervous. We have waited for that special night its been hard but i know is worth it. I know that God’s way is the best way. So God has give us grace to remain pure. My dream is to one day encourage other couples to stay pure till marriage. Everything is possible with God . Thank you for your work. <3 ? ?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Diana! So happy for you! I am blessed by your testimony; indeed it is His grace and His grace alone that keeps and sustains us! otherwise we’d all walk a very different path aka emotions/physical-led 🙁 i am happy the post was helpful! I am cheering you on on your desire to encourage others! Many blessings!
Ngina I need help ! We got married and I’m so happy but we haven’t done it yet every time we tried it hurts so much and then i get so scared . My husband has been so patient with me but I want to be able I don’t know if I should go to the doctor and get checked because is too much pain. I love my husband so much and I just feel that I am weird.
I am so sorry Diana! No, you are not weird! I have just finished writing my wedding night book (based on this post) and most of the ladies I interviewed confirmed they experienced some level of discomfort, ranging from mild to severe, on their wedding night, and on wards. And I also talk to ladies who haven;t been able to consummate their marriage for quite a while because of pain and other factors. So take heart dear, you are not alone. But there’s HOPE! Much much hope! You are right in making an appointment to talk with a doctor/gyna. Please do! Alongside that, here is a good site to check out so you can better understand your situation. You are not alone girl, I am cheering you on and believing God will come through for you and hubby. If you want to, you can hit me up via email using my contact form to chat some more.
Hey, just letting you know this article popped up on my Facebook feed as being posted somewhere else: …- thought it seemed suspicious when it seemingly came from a male author, yet all content pertained towards women. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for letting me know C J! 🙂 I am glad you enjoyed the read.
Just to say that sex WAS painful for me at the beginning, very painful. It took several weeks for that to go away. New husbands need to be patient, gentle, and understanding or your new wife will start to associate sex with feeling hurt physically AND emotionally. And that’s really hard to overcome.
I agree with you, Lisa. Takes patience and understanding and reassurance from the groom. We’ll talk about this at length in our upcoming book. Thank you for sharing.
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Thanks for writing Ngina. As a man, I didn’t quite know that this was a fear women had. I’m single & this gives me food for thought come my wedding night, to be more thoughtful.
I am glad this was helpful to you, Victor.
My my my. This article gave me all I needed. I’m not going to read more . I stop with yours. I will relax. I laughed alot through reading. Hahahaha hahahaha Hallelujah somebody. This is awesome. I’m getting married December 15. I’m 26years.. Thank you. I needed this
So glad the post was helpful, Belle! I hope you are in general premarital counselling as well where you’ll likely cover a wider overview of sex in marriage!
I am still a virgin but I know that Lifeway Christian Stores carrya lot of books on marriage, sex in marriage and so forth. But if you can’t find a Lifeway then try another Christian book store and see what they may carry. And if you are not too sure what to look for than ask a sale associate for assistance. I work at a Lifeway Store and they carry some great books and marriage programs and even books on waiting, I have read “The Bride Wore White” by Dannah Greens and it helps for those that are still virgin’s and even those that aren’t.
Thanks for the information, LB! This is good to know.
I’m so glad that there are blogs out there for women who are saving sex until their Christian wedding night! I was a virgin when I got married, so I know there’s not a lot of information out there.
Lots of women struggle with intercourse on their wedding night and throughout their marriage. That can be an awful burden for a couple. God wants healthy marriages, and he created sex to be a part of that.
Most of the time, all it takes is a little education on how to have a pleasurable experience, and what to expect. I just love marriage, and love being a wife. I want all wives to experience the best of it. Keep up the good work! Thanks for helping all the virgin and abstinent brides out there!
Driana, amen and amen. A little education, a whole lot of holding onto Jesus makes all the difference. it’s possible to wait and wait well and have a wonderful sex life thereafter. We can overcome hindrances and live healthily.
I mean last night we didn’t have intimacy
One quick question I got married yesterday well when it came night time we where watching a series on tv well he fell asleep. And we didn’t have intimacy on our wedding night..and he didn’t bother to touch me .we already where having sex before but last we didn’t ..does that mean anything? ???
Hi Mamis, congratulations on your wedding! One thing that has stood out is that you were already having sex before marriage. It might be that its already something you/he is used to, there was no excitement of “newness” on your wedding night. That’s how I would see it for now. It’s important to still go ahead and discuss your expectations and hopes.
This is really nice read!! It all makes sense now. I thought sex was suppose to be perfect and magical especially as a beginner.
Glad this has helped Olu. 🙂
Whats your opinion on birth control? Both my fiance and i are virgins and we do want to wait t have kids, but we dont want to stop the moment just so he can put on protction… get me? Is that bad to say? Also what other health risks are there to doing things with your husband. Is like eveything a go? I do have a mentor but part of me is embarrassed to ask whats good to do and what may be wrong under God’s eyes?
Hi Becky, thank you for reading and your question. Well there’s different kinds of birth control – natural methods, hormonal, barrier methods, devices e.t.c. I don’t have a problem with birth control. I do believe however that a couple needs to talk, research, agree, hear from God, as well as get counsel (medical & mentor) on the best method FOR THEM. It’s not bad to talk about “protection”, that’s tasteful. And I know what you mean. If “pausing” is a problem, you can research on other ways, you don’t have to use a condom. Please research, read, talk in over with your fiance, see a gynecologist, talk to a mentor (sometimes you just have to press beyond the embarrassment and just ask! Otherwise find another godly married woman to talk to) . Also find tips on birth control in this post
In terms of what you can or cannot do with your husband, I have covered it in this post. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Thanks Ngina for that timely information. I’m getting married next year to my best friend and I just needed this cos I didn’t know what to do on a wedding night, due to a lot of worldly misconceptions everywhere. Sex is sacred and only preserved for the marriage night. I love your ideas. You’re a powerful, Godly woman filled with Godly wisdom and insight. Keep them coming.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Chris! I am so happy you have found this post helpful. Its true, there’s so much misinformation out there! We must sift through, stick to godly truth.
For those of us who were not virgins when getting married, you would be shocked that on the first night with your husband you might feel as clueless as a virgin!!
I came to understand that God actually refreshes and ‘erases’ the old experience/ experiences 😉 if you let Him.
I just remembered when my maiden of honor ( Ngina Otiende) was helping me out of my snuggly gown as the men exchanged “last words” , I actually felt clueless and scared. I could not believe that in a little while I would be alone with my new husband!!
Having my best couple take us to our hotel had a calming effect on me. It made it an all familiar scene of the four of us.
OH GIRL….you have taken me waaay back!! I can’t believe we actually rolled into your honeymoon hotel and hanged out with you guys *sillygrin* Lol.
Thank you for adding that insight, most people don’t know that! How amazing is God, that when He wipes that slate clean, its completely new! Glory!
Super encouraging, thank you for sharing your journey, love you and appreciate you!
Hi! great post! I don’t know, is probably very silly but i’m concerned about if is more appropiate get a shower before all the magic starts (lol), i repeat, it’s probably silly because i haven’t read anything about that aspect anywhere, and believe me, i’ve been searching (so embarrasing haha). I mean, wedding days are eternal… brides wakes up very early to get their hair, nails, make and dress up, ceremony then the party so when they’re finally get to the bedroom it’s been hours since they’re had their last shower, and the bridal lingerie is not the most smells friendly. So it would better to get a shower and then put on clean underwear before going to the hotel room?. I am the only girl with this concern?
Hey Alex! I doubt you are the only girl with that ‘concern’! I’ve been there too! 🙂 Your question is not silly at all. Yes, absolutely, take a shower or bath before the “magic” starts! It really helps to be all clean and fresh! And of course just taking a shower will refresh you both. It would be up to the groom and bride to decide if they want to shower/bath together (which i highly recommend!) but some brides are a bit shy and might want some me-time before. Either way cleanliness is important! 🙂
Thank you for this post. Somtimes I feel alone being a born again virgin. People always assume I shouldn’t need any guidance in these things, but I let the past go and I’m pretty much clueless again. Anyhow thanks for the advise and not leaving us born agains out 🙂
Eliel, I am so happy this post encouraged you. I know how it feels and infact wrote a follow-up post titled “It’s possible to wait till your wedding night to have sex for the first time” which was an encouragement to all the waiting singles. You can read it here . Thank you for commenting.
Thanks for the shout out, Ngina. And what a wonderful post you’ve written!
You are welcome Jolene, and thanks for a great podcast too!…and all the wonderful work you do at Alabaster Jar. You are a blessing to me!
This is a nice read too,though an old book. Its well written with a godly perspective to Marriage. The title is, IDEAL MARRIAGE by Dr. Van De Valde. Its a nice one. I would encourage the lady to read it earlier, and then give to the husband to be, to read it two weeks to their wedding, quite insightful. Enjoy your read.
Sounds like a good read Gralex, thank you for sharing
I can vouch for the husbands and say that we’re just as clueless and nervous about that first night too! I think the best piece of advice I can give is to lower expectations and just relax. People have had those “first nights” for thousands of years, and you’ve got the rest of your life to figure it all out. Just relax!
Love that tip Loren – lower expectations and just relax..you got the rest of your life to figure it out! Can’t tell you how much that would help newlyweds..once they take it to heart! thanks for adding that.
Ngina, great post here. This post is loaded with information for Husbands and Wives alike. There are so many misconceptions when it comes to marriage and intimacy. Its hard as a male not to have a one track mind when all society does is make it seem so casual. Its stressful for the Husband as well when it comes to that first wedding night even if like you had mentioned its not your first time. Great thoughts and very tasteful post. Thank you for sharing, I will share this with my sister.
Thank you Lincoln for your words of wisdom. I hope you sister is blessed, thanks for passing it on
Good stuff!
Also…a lot of lube *tastes* really bad. Might sound like not a big deal unless certain
activities are part of your plans, but it’s really easy to get it smudged places – like even a shoulder or something – that you later put your mouth on and…UGH. The first time I discovered this, I literally had to go wash out my mouth! So if you’re stocking up for the wedding night, you might want to make sure your lube doesn’t taste like something you’d poison someone to death with. 😉 (Aloe Cadabra is NATURAL, works, and doesn’t taste terrible.)
Rachel, I have never thought about that, esp not that first night! Thanks for pointing that out and sharing that recommendation.
Do u need to use it at all
lube eases dryness, makes love making more comfortable. it helps to pack it along for the honeymoon, just incase you need it, but it’s not a must. Most women need it, some don’t, it all depends on your makeup.
“Don’t fall for the lie that ‘he’s the man, he’ll figure it out.'” Agreed. Women too often assume that men are born knowing what to do and what NOT to do. But men – especially young Christian ones, unfortunately – can be ignorant. I’d suggest a bride takes the time before the wedding to find out what the groom thinks he knows and encourage him to learn more. It might mean less pain, fewer UTIs, and not having to risk an air embolism.
So Jenny I had to google “air embolism” cos I’ve not heard of it in this context! 🙂 I haven’t figured it out yet, but further study will help me out i think. thanks so much for reading and adding to the conversation, i appreciate you.
Sorry, my attempt to write a discrete post failed. I was referring to the unfortunate practice of men blowing air into a woman’s vagina, unaware of the potential risks. (Air embolism can be caused other ways too, which is way the connection wasn’t obvious.) My husband, a minister, has expressed concern a number of times about the lack of knowledge young men he knows contemplating (and actually entering) marriage have about the female body. My point here is that their ignorance could actually prove to be harmful to their brides. Women need to protect themselves for that by making sure their grooms know what they’re doing.
Ah now i get it! It hurts, just thinking about it!!Thanks for clarifying and shedding some light. that’s why mentors are so important cos i doubt many young grooms know this (unless they’ve been told) And also why the young couple needs to take it slow and don the learners hat! Thanks so much.
Good job on such a private and sometimes touchy subject. Well covered.
Learning to forget our pasts and not set our expectations too high is so important. I wish someone would have told me that years ago. I learned (and am learning) the hard way to accept that my life and marriage is made by God- not Hollywood. It doesn’t have all the glamor or romance that I sometimes wish it did. But that’s okay because it has more love and grace than I’d ever thought possible. My marriage is better than I could have imagined because it far exceeds the expectations I had and replaces them with God expectations. He’s ways is the best!
Amen and Amen TC! That is such an important revelation, so crucial to remind ourselves.
I love what you’ve said about God exceeding your expectations. He may not always give us everything on our “shopping list” but He always exceeds it! Just this morning i was “counting my blessings and naming them one by one” and i am blown away by God’s faithfulness in my marriage!
Thank you for this reminder.
This is great, Ngina! You’re going into rather new, but so very important, territory, my friend! I made some of the same mistakes you mentioned and was more ignorant about what I should have known (studied up on) than I’d like to admit. Although I, too, read Act of Marriage but some of it is learned “on the job,” if you know what I mean! Thanks for continuing to meet a need and I’ll be sharing this with my about-to-be-married friends!
Oh Beth I am! and not too comfy about it either cos i am a shy girl!. but i do feel it’s something i need to speak on, not because i have any expert opinion, but cos it’s something I’ve walked through and i hope my experience can help someone.
i hear you about learning on the job! The resources help but the real learning and growth happens “on the job”.
Thank you for sharing the post, i appreciate you!
Hey girlfriend! great post for me as a bride to be (all by faith:-) )
Wa! si I have laughed, felt shy but most importantly I have learned a
loooot . I will come back to read this post soon (again by faith) For
now, nothing to add but just to learn…
Miss you! hope you and your beloved Tommy are well? My regards to him.
Love you and Merry Christmas!!
hey Jess! So good to have you here, I am glad the post has been helpful..bookmark it for that soon coming day..and you have me live 🙂 we could get to chat then! 🙂
Missing you too, will pass regards. Merry Christmas, love you! (It’s snowing and freezing cold here and we are missing home and our warm equatorial weather! )
thanx Ngina.
i totally agree about having mentors,i realize that sometimes we struggle to confide in mentors if information is sexual because you arenot sure your spouse wont be despised
Thanks Rachel, i believe that’s why mentors must be trustworthy, people whom we have faith and trust in. Cos sexual matters are pretty intimate and it can feel scary exposing ourselves that way. Again it might be us who need to overcome our pride or fears and just reach out for help when need it. thanks, that’s at important point.
I think a lot of these things are well known. The biggest thing about having great sex is fully understanding how your body works. Many Christian women don’t have a grasp on how their reproductive system works in perfect alignment with how God created us-to be fruitful and multiply. 😉 beyond knowing the things in this article, you must understand the nitty gritty details. I promise your sex life will drastically improve if you understand it from a biological/physiological standpoint.
PLEASE SAVE ME
I am a 25-year old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as,
I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear.
When I was around 10, my female cousin (around the same age)
and I used to sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand
accidentally touched my thigh and felt something bulging.
She asked me what it was. In my childly enthusiasm I opened
my shorts and all that she saw was my erect penis. She got
excited and started rocking it saying she has been able to see
my ‘shame-shame’. Later, in the same excitement she told
all this to her mother as though it were some achievement
on her part ! For this, both of us got a good spanking
with a warning that it is indeed shameful for boys and girls
to see the ‘shame-shame’ of one another. As I grew older,
I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations.
But the situation I am going to get into, demands that
the shameful be considered desirable – all in the name of sex !
And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl / young lady
reacts on seeing a penis. Pray tell me whether she would feel
shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock at my shame-shame.
How do I even hope to face the ‘blasphemous’ prospect of her
having to touch it with her hand ? I do not see any escape from
the situation I find myself in. I would feel ‘extremely’ relieved
if I am able to have a response.
Hi! I am so sorry! Please click here to read my wedding night tips for the groom
It sounds like you have a lot of shame around sex – please please check out this website Knowing Her Sexually, it’s geared towards husbands know and understand their wives sexually.
I thank you for the information! I was looking for and could not find. You helped me!
Hey Ngina,
Thanks for the article, it’s an eye opener. I have a quick question, what is your opinion on other types of sex such as oral and anal sex within marriage. Is it acceptable to God? Kindly assist
Great question!! Here are two articles where I share my thoughts on the subjects
Is Oral sex okay?
What is permissible in the Christian marriage bed?
Hope the thoughts are helpful!
Hi Ngina! I will marry a month away. I love to read your article. Thank you to have shared advice for newlyweds. This will be very helpful. livebetter.nl
Congratulations on your up coming wedding, Sana! I am so glad this was helpful.
Great content. Thank you for your post. These tips will be very helpful for our beloved brides and future brides.
Hi Ngina i love this conversation .Am now one month and two weeks practicing celibacy.Ihad suffered masturbation for 11 years and so i decided to take it slow.Am just 22 i had to learn how to pray and i asked God to just help me be pure again.I had to let go of my ex’s it was not easy but me getting pregnant and realizing someone was with me for fun was awakening.Igot a miscarriage early this year and took it positively that may be God had a purpose for me to retrace my steps.I decided to let go of masturbation and wait for sex until marriage and trusting God will grant me my wishes according to his grace.God is faithful so far
Hello Evelyn, I am thrilled by your decision to cling to God. I am sorry for the miscarriage but glad that you’ve found much comfort in God. Just like you do, I believe in His faithfulness to keep you, as you rely on him. In case you want to read some more, I wrote on masturbation in this post and I’ve linked to another article that you might find helpful as you walk in this road . God bless and thank you for sharing your journey
I agree about getting a mentor and reading some good manuals. Waiting until you are married is often preached at women who never get more information than that. Their church and even parents just assume the wedding ring will magically imbue the newlyweds with magnificent sexual prowess. Nice story. Instead their daughter becomes one of the generations of brides who lay in their wedding beds, sore and bleeding, thinking, “I saved myself for THIS?”
First off – forget what you’ve read in novels and seen in movies. Those are deliberately “enhanced” in the plot. The reality is that you probably won’t enjoy sex that much the first time. It will hurt, it’ll be awkward, and lots of virgin men find, to their dismay, that they can’t rise to the occasion the first time.
What should you do, then? Remember that there’s a first time for everything. Were you born knowing how to walk? Ride a bike? Dance? Sex is the same way. Trust me – it WILL improve with practice.
Embrace the unknown. Share your worries and hopes with your spouse. Aren’t you married now? You can get through this together. Explore what you like, what you feel, talk your way through it. Enjoy the simplicity of a touch here and there. Get some good lube, and make using it part of the act.
You have the rest of your life to learn and enjoy.
HH, it is like you read my inbox! 🙂 I absolutely agree with you about equipping women with the right information! It’s not enough to tell folks to wait, its important to teach them what to do after the wait. And I love your tips! Thank you for taking time to share them. Bless you!
You too. God bless!
I was one of those virgin brides who thought I saved myself for this? Sadly, very little improved and our sex life has been a huge disappointment for many,many years. I hope no one puts up with what I have experienced.
I am so sorry intimacy has been a disappointment. You can read my blog posts on sex in marriage here
Same here. Decades of disappointment has led to late life despair.
Thank you for the advice . I’m happy I found your blog 🙂 I’m getting married in 2 months. I’m so excited and nervous. We have waited for that special night its been hard but i know is worth it. I know that God’s way is the best way. So God has give us grace to remain pure. My dream is to one day encourage other couples to stay pure till marriage. Everything is possible with God . Thank you for your work. <3 ? ?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Diana! So happy for you! I am blessed by your testimony; indeed it is His grace and His grace alone that keeps and sustains us! otherwise we’d all walk a very different path aka emotions/physical-led 🙁 i am happy the post was helpful! I am cheering you on on your desire to encourage others! Many blessings!
Ngina I need help ! We got married and I’m so happy but we haven’t done it yet every time we tried it hurts so much and then i get so scared . My husband has been so patient with me but I want to be able I don’t know if I should go to the doctor and get checked because is too much pain. I love my husband so much and I just feel that I am weird.
I am so sorry Diana! No, you are not weird! I have just finished writing my wedding night book (based on this post) and most of the ladies I interviewed confirmed they experienced some level of discomfort, ranging from mild to severe, on their wedding night, and on wards. And I also talk to ladies who haven;t been able to consummate their marriage for quite a while because of pain and other factors. So take heart dear, you are not alone. But there’s HOPE! Much much hope! You are right in making an appointment to talk with a doctor/gyna. Please do! Alongside that, here is a good site to check out so you can better understand your situation. You are not alone girl, I am cheering you on and believing God will come through for you and hubby. If you want to, you can hit me up via email using my contact form to chat some more.
Hey, just letting you know this article popped up on my Facebook feed as being posted somewhere else: …- thought it seemed suspicious when it seemingly came from a male author, yet all content pertained towards women. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for letting me know C J! 🙂 I am glad you enjoyed the read.
Just to say that sex WAS painful for me at the beginning, very painful. It took several weeks for that to go away. New husbands need to be patient, gentle, and understanding or your new wife will start to associate sex with feeling hurt physically AND emotionally. And that’s really hard to overcome.
I agree with you, Lisa. Takes patience and understanding and reassurance from the groom. We’ll talk about this at length in our upcoming book. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for writing Ngina. As a man, I didn’t quite know that this was a fear women had. I’m single & this gives me food for thought come my wedding night, to be more thoughtful.
I am glad this was helpful to you, Victor.
My my my. This article gave me all I needed. I’m not going to read more . I stop with yours. I will relax. I laughed alot through reading. Hahahaha hahahaha Hallelujah somebody. This is awesome. I’m getting married December 15. I’m 26years.. Thank you. I needed this
So glad the post was helpful, Belle! I hope you are in general premarital counselling as well where you’ll likely cover a wider overview of sex in marriage!
I am still a virgin but I know that Lifeway Christian Stores carrya lot of books on marriage, sex in marriage and so forth. But if you can’t find a Lifeway then try another Christian book store and see what they may carry. And if you are not too sure what to look for than ask a sale associate for assistance. I work at a Lifeway Store and they carry some great books and marriage programs and even books on waiting, I have read “The Bride Wore White” by Dannah Greens and it helps for those that are still virgin’s and even those that aren’t.
Thanks for the information, LB! This is good to know.
I’m so glad that there are blogs out there for women who are saving sex until their Christian wedding night! I was a virgin when I got married, so I know there’s not a lot of information out there.
Lots of women struggle with intercourse on their wedding night and throughout their marriage. That can be an awful burden for a couple. God wants healthy marriages, and he created sex to be a part of that.
Most of the time, all it takes is a little education on how to have a pleasurable experience, and what to expect. I just love marriage, and love being a wife. I want all wives to experience the best of it. Keep up the good work! Thanks for helping all the virgin and abstinent brides out there!
Driana, amen and amen. A little education, a whole lot of holding onto Jesus makes all the difference. it’s possible to wait and wait well and have a wonderful sex life thereafter. We can overcome hindrances and live healthily.
I mean last night we didn’t have intimacy
One quick question I got married yesterday well when it came night time we where watching a series on tv well he fell asleep. And we didn’t have intimacy on our wedding night..and he didn’t bother to touch me .we already where having sex before but last we didn’t ..does that mean anything? ???
Hi Mamis, congratulations on your wedding! One thing that has stood out is that you were already having sex before marriage. It might be that its already something you/he is used to, there was no excitement of “newness” on your wedding night. That’s how I would see it for now. It’s important to still go ahead and discuss your expectations and hopes.
This is really nice read!! It all makes sense now. I thought sex was suppose to be perfect and magical especially as a beginner.
Glad this has helped Olu. 🙂
Whats your opinion on birth control? Both my fiance and i are virgins and we do want to wait t have kids, but we dont want to stop the moment just so he can put on protction… get me? Is that bad to say? Also what other health risks are there to doing things with your husband. Is like eveything a go? I do have a mentor but part of me is embarrassed to ask whats good to do and what may be wrong under God’s eyes?
Hi Becky, thank you for reading and your question. Well there’s different kinds of birth control – natural methods, hormonal, barrier methods, devices e.t.c. I don’t have a problem with birth control. I do believe however that a couple needs to talk, research, agree, hear from God, as well as get counsel (medical & mentor) on the best method FOR THEM. It’s not bad to talk about “protection”, that’s tasteful. And I know what you mean. If “pausing” is a problem, you can research on other ways, you don’t have to use a condom. Please research, read, talk in over with your fiance, see a gynecologist, talk to a mentor (sometimes you just have to press beyond the embarrassment and just ask! Otherwise find another godly married woman to talk to) . Also find tips on birth control in this post
In terms of what you can or cannot do with your husband, I have covered it in this post. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Thanks Ngina for that timely information. I’m getting married next year to my best friend and I just needed this cos I didn’t know what to do on a wedding night, due to a lot of worldly misconceptions everywhere. Sex is sacred and only preserved for the marriage night. I love your ideas. You’re a powerful, Godly woman filled with Godly wisdom and insight. Keep them coming.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Chris! I am so happy you have found this post helpful. Its true, there’s so much misinformation out there! We must sift through, stick to godly truth.
For those of us who were not virgins when getting married, you would be shocked that on the first night with your husband you might feel as clueless as a virgin!!
I came to understand that God actually refreshes and ‘erases’ the old experience/ experiences 😉 if you let Him.
I just remembered when my maiden of honor ( Ngina Otiende) was helping me out of my snuggly gown as the men exchanged “last words” , I actually felt clueless and scared. I could not believe that in a little while I would be alone with my new husband!!
Having my best couple take us to our hotel had a calming effect on me. It made it an all familiar scene of the four of us.
OH GIRL….you have taken me waaay back!! I can’t believe we actually rolled into your honeymoon hotel and hanged out with you guys *sillygrin* Lol.
Thank you for adding that insight, most people don’t know that! How amazing is God, that when He wipes that slate clean, its completely new! Glory!
Super encouraging, thank you for sharing your journey, love you and appreciate you!
Hi! great post! I don’t know, is probably very silly but i’m concerned about if is more appropiate get a shower before all the magic starts (lol), i repeat, it’s probably silly because i haven’t read anything about that aspect anywhere, and believe me, i’ve been searching (so embarrasing haha). I mean, wedding days are eternal… brides wakes up very early to get their hair, nails, make and dress up, ceremony then the party so when they’re finally get to the bedroom it’s been hours since they’re had their last shower, and the bridal lingerie is not the most smells friendly. So it would better to get a shower and then put on clean underwear before going to the hotel room?. I am the only girl with this concern?
Hey Alex! I doubt you are the only girl with that ‘concern’! I’ve been there too! 🙂 Your question is not silly at all. Yes, absolutely, take a shower or bath before the “magic” starts! It really helps to be all clean and fresh! And of course just taking a shower will refresh you both. It would be up to the groom and bride to decide if they want to shower/bath together (which i highly recommend!) but some brides are a bit shy and might want some me-time before. Either way cleanliness is important! 🙂
Thank you for this post. Somtimes I feel alone being a born again virgin. People always assume I shouldn’t need any guidance in these things, but I let the past go and I’m pretty much clueless again. Anyhow thanks for the advise and not leaving us born agains out 🙂
Eliel, I am so happy this post encouraged you. I know how it feels and infact wrote a follow-up post titled “It’s possible to wait till your wedding night to have sex for the first time” which was an encouragement to all the waiting singles. You can read it here . Thank you for commenting.
Thanks for the shout out, Ngina. And what a wonderful post you’ve written!
You are welcome Jolene, and thanks for a great podcast too!…and all the wonderful work you do at Alabaster Jar. You are a blessing to me!
This is a nice read too,though an old book. Its well written with a godly perspective to Marriage. The title is, IDEAL MARRIAGE by Dr. Van De Valde. Its a nice one. I would encourage the lady to read it earlier, and then give to the husband to be, to read it two weeks to their wedding, quite insightful. Enjoy your read.
Sounds like a good read Gralex, thank you for sharing
I can vouch for the husbands and say that we’re just as clueless and nervous about that first night too! I think the best piece of advice I can give is to lower expectations and just relax. People have had those “first nights” for thousands of years, and you’ve got the rest of your life to figure it all out. Just relax!
Love that tip Loren – lower expectations and just relax..you got the rest of your life to figure it out! Can’t tell you how much that would help newlyweds..once they take it to heart! thanks for adding that.
Ngina, great post here. This post is loaded with information for Husbands and Wives alike. There are so many misconceptions when it comes to marriage and intimacy. Its hard as a male not to have a one track mind when all society does is make it seem so casual. Its stressful for the Husband as well when it comes to that first wedding night even if like you had mentioned its not your first time. Great thoughts and very tasteful post. Thank you for sharing, I will share this with my sister.
Thank you Lincoln for your words of wisdom. I hope you sister is blessed, thanks for passing it on
Good stuff!
Also…a lot of lube *tastes* really bad. Might sound like not a big deal unless certain
activities are part of your plans, but it’s really easy to get it smudged places – like even a shoulder or something – that you later put your mouth on and…UGH. The first time I discovered this, I literally had to go wash out my mouth! So if you’re stocking up for the wedding night, you might want to make sure your lube doesn’t taste like something you’d poison someone to death with. 😉 (Aloe Cadabra is NATURAL, works, and doesn’t taste terrible.)
Rachel, I have never thought about that, esp not that first night! Thanks for pointing that out and sharing that recommendation.
Do u need to use it at all
lube eases dryness, makes love making more comfortable. it helps to pack it along for the honeymoon, just incase you need it, but it’s not a must. Most women need it, some don’t, it all depends on your makeup.
“Don’t fall for the lie that ‘he’s the man, he’ll figure it out.'” Agreed. Women too often assume that men are born knowing what to do and what NOT to do. But men – especially young Christian ones, unfortunately – can be ignorant. I’d suggest a bride takes the time before the wedding to find out what the groom thinks he knows and encourage him to learn more. It might mean less pain, fewer UTIs, and not having to risk an air embolism.
So Jenny I had to google “air embolism” cos I’ve not heard of it in this context! 🙂 I haven’t figured it out yet, but further study will help me out i think. thanks so much for reading and adding to the conversation, i appreciate you.
Sorry, my attempt to write a discrete post failed. I was referring to the unfortunate practice of men blowing air into a woman’s vagina, unaware of the potential risks. (Air embolism can be caused other ways too, which is way the connection wasn’t obvious.) My husband, a minister, has expressed concern a number of times about the lack of knowledge young men he knows contemplating (and actually entering) marriage have about the female body. My point here is that their ignorance could actually prove to be harmful to their brides. Women need to protect themselves for that by making sure their grooms know what they’re doing.
Ah now i get it! It hurts, just thinking about it!!Thanks for clarifying and shedding some light. that’s why mentors are so important cos i doubt many young grooms know this (unless they’ve been told) And also why the young couple needs to take it slow and don the learners hat! Thanks so much.
Good job on such a private and sometimes touchy subject. Well covered.
Learning to forget our pasts and not set our expectations too high is so important. I wish someone would have told me that years ago. I learned (and am learning) the hard way to accept that my life and marriage is made by God- not Hollywood. It doesn’t have all the glamor or romance that I sometimes wish it did. But that’s okay because it has more love and grace than I’d ever thought possible. My marriage is better than I could have imagined because it far exceeds the expectations I had and replaces them with God expectations. He’s ways is the best!
Amen and Amen TC! That is such an important revelation, so crucial to remind ourselves.
I love what you’ve said about God exceeding your expectations. He may not always give us everything on our “shopping list” but He always exceeds it! Just this morning i was “counting my blessings and naming them one by one” and i am blown away by God’s faithfulness in my marriage!
Thank you for this reminder.
This is great, Ngina! You’re going into rather new, but so very important, territory, my friend! I made some of the same mistakes you mentioned and was more ignorant about what I should have known (studied up on) than I’d like to admit. Although I, too, read Act of Marriage but some of it is learned “on the job,” if you know what I mean! Thanks for continuing to meet a need and I’ll be sharing this with my about-to-be-married friends!
Oh Beth I am! and not too comfy about it either cos i am a shy girl!. but i do feel it’s something i need to speak on, not because i have any expert opinion, but cos it’s something I’ve walked through and i hope my experience can help someone.
i hear you about learning on the job! The resources help but the real learning and growth happens “on the job”.
Thank you for sharing the post, i appreciate you!
Hey girlfriend! great post for me as a bride to be (all by faith:-) )
Wa! si I have laughed, felt shy but most importantly I have learned a
loooot . I will come back to read this post soon (again by faith) For
now, nothing to add but just to learn…
Miss you! hope you and your beloved Tommy are well? My regards to him.
Love you and Merry Christmas!!
hey Jess! So good to have you here, I am glad the post has been helpful..bookmark it for that soon coming day..and you have me live 🙂 we could get to chat then! 🙂
Missing you too, will pass regards. Merry Christmas, love you! (It’s snowing and freezing cold here and we are missing home and our warm equatorial weather! )
thanx Ngina.
i totally agree about having mentors,i realize that sometimes we struggle to confide in mentors if information is sexual because you arenot sure your spouse wont be despised
Thanks Rachel, i believe that’s why mentors must be trustworthy, people whom we have faith and trust in. Cos sexual matters are pretty intimate and it can feel scary exposing ourselves that way. Again it might be us who need to overcome our pride or fears and just reach out for help when need it. thanks, that’s at important point.