3 Reasons To Make Love When You Don’t Feel Like It

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Why should a wife make love when she doesn’t feel like it?

In my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily-Ever-After In The Early Years, I talk about the different types of intimacy we need to cultivate in marriage.

I spend some time talking about sexual intimacy because that’s where many of us struggle.

Today I want us to look at why you need to make love and connect intimately with your husband, even when you don’t feel like it.

3 good reasons to make love when you don't feel like it

I know many wives who have the opposite problem; they want sexual intimacy but their husband doesn’t.

If this is you, please read these posts When your husband has lower sex drive and To the wife with the higher sex.

Today I want to encourage the wife who struggles with connecting intimately with her husband.

Specifically why you need to connect, even when you don’t feel like it.

1. Make love because you want to obey the Lord, not your feelings

Deuteronomy 11:1 says

“Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always.”

As a wife, God wants you to build your home in wisdom ( Proverbs 14:1), honor your marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4), love sacrificially (1 John 3:16), be led of the spirit (Gal 5:16- 18) amongst other things.

I have learned the strongest – for lack of a better phrase – kind of obedience  is the kind where I say “yes” when everything within me is saying “no”.

In the marriage bed, we won’t understand real obedience until our schedules or feelings or life go out of whack, and we work hard to keep the bedroom a priority.

Of course it’s not merely an act of the will; it’s a broken reliance on the the Spirit of God.

Never quit on intimacy simply because you don’t feel like it.

Instead take your eyes off earth, so to speak, and gain a higher perspective. It’s not all about your husband, or even yourself, it’s about the Lord.

2. Make love to be refreshed

You might not be feeling it at the beginning, but by the end of it, you are glad you did!

One of the things that love making does to your body is release certain hormones that aid in better sleep and relaxation and a greater sense of well being.

You feel refreshed, at peace, stronger mentally, happier.

My mentor used to say that he could tell a sexually frustrated wife from miles away – typically, they were sullen or  cranky.

Our feelings don’t always know what is good for us!

If you follow them all the time, you end up not just punishing yourself but your husband too.

3. Make love to bless your husband

For most husbands, one of the ways they receive respect and love is through physical intimacy with their wife.

And not just lying there and offering your body as a sacrifice, but through active and enthusiastic participation.

“A good man wants his wife’s heart. He wants relationship. He wants unity – not only of body but unity of spirit. He wants to be one with his wife and he wants her to desire to be one with him. Good men willingly receive from their wives but they are not mere takers. They want their wives to receive from them, too, and receiving involves not merely being present but desiring to be present”

From the article He wants far more than you think, by  Matthew L Jacobson

Three good reasons to make love when you don't feel like it

Image credit – Michał Grosicki on Unsplash

That’s my three tips for when you don’t feel like making love. Some situations will be a bit more complex, like when you are unwell, or are super tired.

But it’s my opinion that in the end, there should be more “yes” than “no” in your bedroom.


For more insights and practical tips on how to get in the mood for intimacy when you don’t feel like it, pick up my book, Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years. You will also learn how to influence your marriage and create the marriage of your dreams, one intentional choice at a time. Start your journey – > Buy the book Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe Customers, Click Here  to Buy PDF Or Click here to go to the book page.
Blues to Bliss Creating Your Happily Ever in the Ealry Years
Linking with Wedded Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday


  1. As usual, your insights and wisdom are far beyond your years. It takes time, at least in my experience, to realize, like all Biblical tenets, that it starts with selflessness. And that’s paramount to success in marriage for both parties. I’ll take this as a reminder. And who can’t use a reminder?

    Just got your book in paperback… You know I’m old school!

    1. That’s so true Floyd. As we understand this basic building block, everything else becomes easier. Thanks for adding that!

      Oh and thank you so much! Haha, I hear you! I love paper as well, nothing like reading a “real” book! I pray it’s a blessing!

  2. Yes, I agree, Ngina. It’s not very romantic sounding, but sometimes we (especially women) just don’t feel the desire. But it’s such a blessing to be willing to give even when we don’t feel like it in that moment. After all, women are like crock-pots–slow to warm up even when desire isn’t a problem! So yes! Saying, “yes” to our spouses should far outweigh the times we say, “no.” And we will be blessed and encouraged when we give and do! Thanks for this important reminder!

    1. So true Beth, we are not quite the same with our husbands even when the desire is there! God loves variety, doesn’t He! (to make us so different, in matters of speed 😉 It serves a higher purpose as we learn to give and partner and have opportunities to serve each other.

  3. So glad you put this in your book and talking about it on your blog. It took years for me to really enjoy being intimate but it was worth being obedient when I did not feel like it. It amazing how much closer a couple can be if their sex life is good.

    1. Indeed, it’s amazing Betty. It’s like the oil to the engine that keeps the rest of the marriage working well.

  4. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says:

    Excellent thoughts.

    As a husband who was frozen out of a physical relationship with my wife – because she felt I was inept at technique – I will add this.

    Say no too many times, and your husband will stop asking. Not that he will go somewhere else (he has NO right to do that), but he’ll just adapt to a sexless life…and if you try to restart things, his response will be suspicion.

    “Why now?”

    he may cooperate, but the closeness may never return.


    1. Thank you for adding this insight Andrew. I reference it in my book when I talk about instances when a husband might have lower libido. Sometimes it’s a result of a wife who said no too many times.
      Great insight, as always. Blessings to you

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