My husband and I celebrated four years of marriage last week!
Tommy and I met at a church leadership class in 2005.
He was picking up Bibles and books from the pews, and I was trying not to stare.
Three years later, he stood at the end of the altar on a sunny Saturday morning, silently praying I would be able to walk down the aisle (because I had contracted chicken pox three days to our wedding!)
Now four years marriage by the time of writing this post, I still wake up amazed and delighted to find a man in my bed!
But more amazing has been the bliss of sharing 48 months of my life with my best friend and cheerleader.
Along the way and in no particular order I have learned some random (and not so random) truths about marriage.
1. Becoming one in marriage is a process, not an event
2. Love is spelled c.o.m.m.i.t.m.e.n.t.
3. For my husband, it’s also spelt r.e.s.p.e.c.t.
4. Sticking to God’s definition of marriage is an excellent idea.
5. Marriage is a perfect cure for love-at-first and other infatuations.
6. The marriage union can get better with age
7. Swallowing rash or foolish talk will not give you a bad stomach. I promise.
8. Never underestimate the power (and innocence) of pre-marital class.
9. Post-marital sessions a.k.a having a mentor couple, are a life-saver.
10. Good singles make good marrieds.
11. Great athletes make great marriages – people who’s hearts and lives can bend at odd angles and directions.
12. It’s possible to grow into roles you would never have imagined pre-wedding.
13. Wives like to talk. (Some guys too but I am the talker in our marriage!)
14. Women don’t always make sense to their husbands. Or to themselves. And they are not okay with that. And that’s why they keep talking perhaps?
15. Husbands can multitask – they can push a shopping cart and play a game on the phone at the same time.
16. Husbands don’t always appreciate company when hanging out in their ‘man-cave’. I think for wives, it’s the equivalent of having him at our all-girls-evening.
17. God does not give us what we deserve.
18. Sometimes we get what we ask (beg, plead, plan) for. Even if it’s not the best thing for us.
19. One of the things you can learn from four years of marriage? Marriage mentoring might be God’s idea of adult-parenting.
20. At the time of the wedding, the couple will think they know each other perfectly and are a gift to the each other. A few months (or days) later, they believe they married an absolute nutty stranger. Years along, they can’t believe they managed to snag each other, seeing how crazy they are.
21. Husbands and wives would love to figure out each other once and for all.
22. A good husband is a gift from God. A good wife is a favor from God.
23. Long courtship or short courtship? You can’t go wrong by staying in the middle.
24. Husbands like to feel safe in a relationship..something that wives need to catch up on more.
25. A couple will not die from living the unusual life.
26. Marriage is between one man, one woman, and their God. Others can offer insight, but that’s as far as it should go.
27. Opposites attract before marriage. It takes work to keep them attracting in marriage!
28. ‘Like’ is a powerful word in marriage – it’s powerful to be able to say “I still like this person” in the middle of ‘love’ drought.
29. Marriage is God’s idea of helping us become more like Him.
30. I love to talk about marriage and relationships (aka this post is my opinion and I am sticking to it 🙂 )
31. Four years of marriage have taught me way more than 30 things. That’s why I wrote Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years, the must-read handbook for every new wife who wants to create a fun, happy marriage.
Question – What’s been your experience? What other things can you learn from 4 years of marriage? Aka what can you get for 4 years of marriage? : ) Please share in Comments!
Hello Ngina. First off, I’ll say congratulations on your fourth anniversary.
You both look amazing.
Thank you for sharing with us the knowledge from your experiences.
I really do agree with your list. being married is crazy. (Celebrated 3years on April)
for me, I haven’t felt more happier. The freedom to express myself, the confidence, the love, the fights I can’t help but laugh about 20min later. Because I have to tell myself “come on, what’s the need, we ain’t going nowhere” I get over it. Guess what! the cycle repeats 4hrs later.
The intelligence that come with marriage is tremendous. Yet, I feel this level of intelligence can only be attained once you have decided to love the marriage more than the person. At that point, the bond created becomes a force to reckon with.
I respect the intelligence in your work. And can’t wait to read more of what you’ve written.
Wish you all the love.
So glad the post was inspiring, Bright! Absolutely, to love our vow is the path to a healthy marriage!
Loved this.
One thing I would add to my list is:
Don’t feed in to other peoples’ negativity regarding their own marriages. When other people say things like “I hate when my husband or does this” or “my wife is annoying when…” it may seem innocent. But casually talking about your spouse’s shortcomings can cause you to dwell on those feelings or even validate them.
That’s a great one Eliza! Reminds me what the Bible says about not giving the enemy a place in our lives. Thanks for the addition, great wisdom!
Great post Ngina. As a single who is dating a wonderful God-fearing woman, this post is increasing my anticipation for my marital future. Do you mind elaborating on #10? Its hard for me to grasp what you mean by that. Thanks!
Hey Paul! Glad to hear you are on the road to marriage!. Courtship is such an exciting season and I pray that you are enjoying, learning and growing.
So often people get into “waiting mode”, believing that life really begins after marriage. They believe that marriage will complete them, or that a spouse will be able to meet all their needs or a spouse will make them happy.
i think that’s a lie though. Wholeness as a single is key for wholeness in marriage. A marriage is only as good as the two people involved, so it’s important to come into marriage whole (as much as possible). Someone said that an omelet is only as good as the eggs. Rotten eggs=rotten omelet. Single person ought to be living life, deliriously happy, pursuing purpose and dreams, helping and serving others, secure in their identity, enjoying and fulfilled Alone. Cos being happy all by yourself means you’ll be happy in marriage. cos spouses don’t complete and their main job is not to make the other person happy (not that don’t pursue that, or that they cant’ or shouldn’t but happiness is a personal choice). I hope am abit clearer now ? 🙂
Wow, Ngina – this is absolutely time and sound advice. Your point around how “wholeness” as a single carries through your marital relationship is key.
You are right. Often people believe marriage when your ‘second life’ will begin, but in fact I believe it’s a time of season where many of your values and beliefs are tested. In other words, the person who has lived intentionally as a single will most likely be intentional in his or her relationships after marriage. However, it’s so much hard to be intentional after marriage if you weren’t one when you were single.
Your analogy of a omelet and eggs is perfect! I love this.
Thanks again for serving and adding value! Keep up the great work with your blog. SDG. – Paul
Am glad it came together 🙂 Love your added perspective on intentional single hood and how that carries into marriage. So true!
I love this list.My wife and I will be celebrating our 4th year anniversary this upcoming Friday. As I read this list it almost turned into a checklist. It reminds me of how thankful I am to have such a wonderful woman be crazy enough to want to be with me for the rest of our lives. What helps us is being able to laugh at yourself and each other, for sure. That is once we both have cooled down and forgiven each other (also tongue and cheek). Here are some words of advice given to me:
“Love and marriage aren’t staring into each others eyes. They are standing beside each other, with both of your eyes fixed on the same goals.” Basically, if your life is your journey and you are staring into each others eyes, you are going in opposite directions and it will be a short relationship. If you both have the same values and goals then you will have a companion to lean on the rest of this crazy journey.
People believe relationships should be 50/50. That is not true. That means each person is only giving 50% to their partner and the other 50% is thinking of their own wants and needs. Relationships should be 100/100. If you focus 100% on the wants and needs of your partner then all their needs are met. Then they will be able to give you 100% of themselves and concentrate on your wants and needs.
Last piece of advice, for men. Just remember do you want to be right or happy? lol.
Thanks for a great list!
Great insight Mark! Love that part about staring into each others’ eyes/standing side by side. Love is more than words and feelings, it includes hard work.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights. Happy anniversary to you and your wife!
Man, I read such mile stones and I get a little afraid inside – whether I will make such when my times come. #Confessions.
Happy 4th anniversary The Otis. May it please God to bring many more you way.
Ww
I think if i had read this four years ago, i would been feeling a little intimidated too 🙂 But then you discover that there’s grace for every level – the ability to do those things that God has commissioned in your life. So yes, you will do awesome!
Thank you for anniversary love – from your lips to God’s ears ;)!
lol! This list was great. Here’s the two I could relate to most:
At the time of the wedding, the couple will think they know each other perfectly and are a gift to the each other. A few months (or days) later, they believe they married an absolute nutty stranger. Years along, they can’t believe they managed to snag each other, seeing how crazy they are.
Opposites attract before marriage..it takes work to keep them attracting after marriage.
I remember thinking shortly after we got married “What the heck did I get myself into?! Who IS this person??” Now we’ve been married almost 6 years and there are days where I think exactly what you said, “How on earth did I manage to snag him? I’m so crazy and he still loves me.”
I liked this list. 🙂
Am so glad you enjoyed the post Alana! Awesome to have you ‘feel’ the list..i know am on to something when someone older (as in marriage) agrees with the views..lol. Thank you
I should have added ‘Love is a miracle” (which it is!) – the only way that #20 works!
Thank you for dropping in and adding to the conversation.
Congratulations!!! I wish you guys MANY more years of success. I still remember my trip down the aisle…I could hardly get the words out lol! I’m glad that I did. And I’m pretty sure your husband is glad he did
Thank you Mike! So good to have you here. You too?! lol. Both of us had the moment. we sure glad that we did (cos pastor would have kept us there till we got the words out!)
Congrats and thanks for sharing!
Beautiful pic!
I love #19
Thank you TC!
Congrats Ngina on the anniversary. So often most think marriage is a bed of roses and you don’t have to work at it. Its do refreshing to see couples in love in marriage and striving towards oneness. I absolutely love your list and will forward it to my wife. Good stuff.
Thank you Lincoln, my husband and I had great fun.
It’s true that some of us never remove the blinders we had pre-marriage. We just keep on expecting ease and bliss even when we are staring at work right on the face. Real love is real hard work 🙂
Thanks for sharing with your wife. You guys are a blessing and example.
It is a great list Lincoln!
Good list. Number 24 shows a lot of wisdom by the way. For me it takes pondering what it is my wife needs. As men we like to be on autopilot, but true love thinks about the other person and strives to grasp what’s in their heart.
Congratulations and that picture of you guys dancing at the wedding is awesome!
Thank you Floyd. I am one of those wives that is still working on #24. God is still working on me. 🙂
I hear you on autopilot! Men are wired so differently (from women) and it takes death to self (over and over) to really have that flow. So awesome that you are working to understand and flow with your beloved half.
Kenyan weddings are a music/dance/food fun-filled whole-day events! So that’s us dancing the afternoon away 🙂
I can see you guys looking at that picture in a few decades with joy in your hearts and eyes… Of course you’ll be wearing glasses…
Haha.. Floyd you know how to serve rain on a party! lol too funny! Amen to the decades! Maybe in two or so of them, they’ll be dispensing new eyes, not glasses 🙂
congratulations Ngina, i love this list, my fave are 9,14, 20 and 30 , here is to many more years of wedded bliss;)
Thank you Jemima and Amen to many more! I am glad the post has blessed you. Thanks for dropping in and sharing
Congratulations! I like all31 of them:-):-)
🙂 Thank you for liking 31 too! we never really arrive do we?
Glad you stopped by . God bless!
“Swallowing foolish talk will not give you a bad stomach.” LOL
I love this list because of number 31, there is so much to learn from relationships and marriage. I appreciate you sharing, I have a foresight now of what to expect when I do get there.
“Marriage is God’s idea of helping us become more like Him.” I too believe this, but how many times we fight the process and just want to arrive perfect! I am learning that God is not interested so much in changing the circumstances as much as He wants to change me through the circumstances.
You have that spot on Jep, God is after us, not after our circumstances. It really takes time for some of us to figure that out. But the day we get it is haleluya time on earth 🙂
I am glad the post has blessed you.
Mmmmmh! great lessons there….lesson 14 i like, 15 i know who…!
Nyawara! Indeed he is guilty as charged (if i may say so on his behalf..lol!). Lesson 14 goes great with Lesson 11..mh? You are a great athlete 🙂 Thank you so much for dropping in and sharing.
First off congratulations!!! This is a great list, you listed everything I would have said.
Thank you Dan! Am glad you concur. God bless you