4 Things to Remember When Your Husband Disappoints You

| |

What do you do when your husband disappoints you?

I have talked about how my husband and I are different in personality and what that means is that we have no shortage of opportunities to disappoint each other.

What to do when your husband disappoints you? In marriage, we have plenty of opportunity to disappoint or be disappointed. Here are 4 things to remember.

When we relocated to America from Kenya, I had to take a driving test to get an American drivers license.

On the morning I was taking my test, I confessed to Tommy that I was very anxious because the last time I went for a drivers test in Kenya, it had been insanely hard, for a number of reasons.

What I was looking for at that point was comfort and affirmation from my beloved.

“To tell you the truth babe” my husband said as a-matter-of-fact “You did not know how to drive back then..not as much as you know now”

How I translated that?

I deserved to fail the first drivers test. If I failed the test in the US, it would be my fault too.

But my husband was trying to encourage me; he meant that I was more prepared to take the drivers test than I had been in Kenya.

Me, I heard those other things he did not say or mean.

Disappointed by your husband?

If you have been married longer than one day, chances are you’ve had opportunities to disappoint one another.

Disappointments in marriage are normal. Because being human.

It’s what we do after feeling disappointed that makes the difference between wedded bliss and honeymoon blues.

Next time your husband disappoints you, join me and remember the following;

1. My husband is human

I married the most amazing man – he’s kind, generous, he opens doors for me and constantly prefers me above himself. He is all together wonderful.

But he’s not perfect. And neither am I.

When your husband disappoints you, just remember that you married an imperfect being, just like yourself.

Allow that knowledge to soothe away some your fiery embers; empathize. Here’s a post on how Empathy can change your husband and affect your marriage

2. God is my source, not my husband

I don’t always understand how much I have put my hope in my husband until my husband disappoints me.

God sets me up! On purpose! It’s His way of helping me put my focus where it should be; Himself.

Yes we should have healthy expectations  in marriage. We should set boundaries and define what to expect of one another.

But it’s important to understand that because of #1, even those healthy expectations & hopes will go unmet sometimes.

That’s why we need to have our hopes anchored on the One that never fails or disappoints.

Choose to see your husband as a gift and blessing from God, not your Source (Click to tweet)

No human can fill the voids of your heart, only God can do that.

3. God is our third strand and that makes a difference

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

God holds everything together. It’s not my husband, it’s not me. Obviously we have a part to play (hence the three stands).

But there’s One bigger and stronger rooting for my marriage.

There are days when neither of you will feel like fighting for your marriage.

When the feelings of love take flight, when storms of life overwhelm your little human love, when your husband does things that make you think he’s unworthy of your love and respect.

Yet it’s for those specific moments you need God. If you can fix yourself, you’d never know how badly you’ve fallen short of His glory.

So when the storms hit, it’s not the time to check out on your one-flesh journey, it’s the time to engage a higher level.

God will make a difference, if you let Him.

Allow Christ’s to change the way you think, talk and respond.

What to do when your husband disappoints you? In marriage, we have plenty of opportunity to disappoint or be disappointed. Here are 4 things to remember.

4. Examine my part in the wounding

It’s easy to see the speck in our spouse’s eye and completely miss the log in our own.

(Imagine that! A whole log sticking out of your eye but you think you can see a little speck in your husband’s eye!)

It’s important to examine your part in your wounding.

Not saying that his disappointing you is always your fault.

But sometimes it is. Like when you put impossible expectations on him.

Overall and no matter what he did or did not do, you own your reactions. You choose how to respond.

Check out these two posts where I get into details

1. When your husband irritates you

2. Why your husband is not the problem

Your turn; Anything else we need to remember when our spouse disappoints us? What has helped you in your marriage? Lets talk in Comments.

 

Vexed because your husband won’t change? Wondering how to positively influence his life? My book Blues to Bliss might help. I wrote it with the newlywed wife in mind. If you are imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy, this book is for you. Learn about the book, and find the purchase links – Click here

Yes, I want my marriage to thrive! Purchase links to Blues to Bliss Book

What to do when your husband disappoints you? In marriage, we have plenty of opportunity to disappoint or be disappointed. Here are 4 things to remember.

Linking with Wedded Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday, we are That Family, Titus 2sdays

Save

Save

Save

Save

35 Comments

  1. You have a gift Ngina. Thanks for this.

  2. I’m so so disappointed, and my feelings are hurt. My husband works 10 hours from home, and he only comes home one weekend a month. We had planned a night away for a late Valentine’s date. I booked a hotel room and made dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant in a city about an about an hour from us. He spent the last weekend home looking for a new truck, and the day before our “date” truck shopping among other errands, and even the morning before we left. We arrive in the city and we decide to head to a large mall, and had plans to go to a museum , when he gets a message about a truck for sale. We stopped everything, went to see the truck, he bought it, than we spent an hour and 15 minutes at the dmv, the museum closed, and he said that we’d go the next morning before heading home. We checked in and went for dinner. He didnt want to see a movie after so we went to the hotel to swim, but the pool was too crowded for us. We watched t.v and fell asleep. The next day we had breakfast and we went to a farmer’s market( closed) he decided he wanted to head home and didn’t want to go to the museum, he wanted to see the kids, but really he has now spent all afternoon working on his truck. I just wanted one day to be his priority, I feel like the whole date was really a guise for him to go truck shopping, and he let me tag along. I don’t want to say anything and ruin whats left of his time home for a whole month. I am so hurt and feel so neglected.

    1. Becky, I am so sorry about the hurt and the situation. I hear you, needing that time for yourselves and wanting to be priority since he works away. While I understand why you want to give a bit of grace, in the end you have a talk – share your expectations/thoughts and hear his side. There’s no other way but to talk about it with a readiness to hear each others side of story and a willingness to forgive AND settle on something (routines, habits etc) that make each other feel prioritized. If you are chronically feeling neglected, you might need to talk with a mentor or counselor.

      1. lilian nakatte says:

        wow wow! OMG! i just lov en enjoy what am reading right. this massege has refrehed my soul. thanks my dear. yo such a blessing

        1. lilian nakatte says:

          this massage has refreshed my soul., it has added value to my life. is there any way how we can sell those books in uganda(africa)?

          1. So glad you are encouraged and refreshed, Lilian! 🙌❤ The books are available online. You can purchase a soft copy. Hopefully one day I’ll have physical copies in East Africa.

  3. Ann Njeri says:

    I like the way you say ” God has set you up! “. that makes me view disappointment as a wake up call, sometimes I think I lean in too much on my husband as a source, and when disappointment comes it almost like a wake up call.

    1. You and me too Njeri! 🙂 I thank God for the set-ups! Glad you found this post helpful.

  4. I am so happy to have found you, Ngina. I’ve already added your page to my favorites here on my web browser and I’m excited to read many, many more of your posts.

    I am 23-years-old and have been married for almost two years now, although it seems like an eternity as I have known my husband since I was 11-years-old. He is five years older than me and often times I feel like I’m the more motivated, spiritual, want-better-for-our-life, mature one. We were apart of a church body for over a year and it was the best year of my life, especially with him. We were so involved I became a ministry leader, I had started my own blogging and my first post reached 1,600+ views which was amazing, and I was truly immersing myself in God any chance that I had. The pastor at this church is the one who wed us almost two years ago. Then my husband just stopped; I went to church a few times alone, but he literally never returned after WE WERE MARRIED by the Pastor! I’ve been pleading with him since that day to approach the Pastor and speak with him on why my husband felt the need to leave the church (he’s “explained” it to me and I understand), and why the way he went about it was totally wrong. We had true brothers and sisters at this church. I feel like this spiritual tie that has gone unbroken and unhealed for the past year and a half have held us back from accomplishing ANYTHING moving forward. We literally can not grow spiritually. We’ve tried other churches, but any time we go anywhere I think of our abandoned family. So does he. Yet he refuses to go and make things right. I’m not asking to attend the church again, I’m asking for him to make things right as a man. It would be one thing if this Pastor REALLY offended us, but he legit WED us and then was abandoned! *Sigh*

    I’ve reevaluated myself many times since this happened. I always find something within myself that I can work on. But I’ve had at least five separate conversations with my husband when I am in tears. I was raised in church, God and relationship are who I truly am and I have no doubt that I have a calling on my life towards some type of ministry. I’ve told my husband the one and most important thing for him to do for me as the leader in our life, is to bring us to church and lead us to God’s love. We’ve finally found a home in a church that our former Youth Pastor is now the Pastor of. It’s small, humble, and right. But, we will always be held back if we do not make things right at our other church. I’m still the one that makes sure we get up in time to make it to church on Sundays, and it stinks because it takes so much Sunday joy from me having to nag him out of bed. *SIIIIIIGH*

    I want to grow. I want to get out of this weird, unfair, and lazy spiritual situation I’ve been placed in because of my husband. Is it wrong for me to think that it’s because of him? I would have gone to our former Pastor by now and made things right. I’ve wrung my heart out explaining why we need to do this to my husband. Every time he assures, promises me that he will make it right. I’m so emotionally spent. There are so many current circumstances going on in our life that I 100% believe spiritually tie back into this situation.

    Any way, my husband is supposed to go to the church tonight and speak to the Pastor (this is definitely a HUGE BLESSING). I told him I did not want to accompany him, but should I? I truly have no reasons as to why we left the church. Every “reason” my husband has, was hidden from me for months after he totally disconnected before he finally admitted these things. And they are all human mistakes that the Pastor confided in my husband about, and things that my husband has even wronged me by doing the exact same things. I don’t feel this is a conversation I need to be apart of.

    I would appreciate prayer that this conversation is filled with 100% honesty coming from my husband and forgiveness from the Pastor. We need this healing. 🙁

    – KS

    1. Hello KS! Thank you for reading and sharing your heart..I am also glad you found me! I am going to share a brief summary of my thoughts and then give you a few links to blog posts that will help you with some of the points you have raised.

      As I read your comment, I was transported back to my newly wed days! i really feel your angst, hurt and fervent desire to make things right. I hear you, sister. But let me help you out..same way the Lord helped me out years ago; it is not your responsibility to change your husband! We have a role to play – as you have done, voicing your concerns, praying, talking about it – but then after having done all, you must rest! Rest in the Lord and in the knowledge of who you are in Him and the fact that He has access to your husbands heart. It seems to me that you are the one feeling affected and let down and held back by the issues that happened in the past..and its okay to want to make things right. But we have to understand what we can do and we cannot do. You cannot make your husband feel or act a certain way, even when its for his own good or your own good. That’ s something he needs to take responsibility for. The more you press him, the more anxious and unhappy you are going to be and the more the issues will feel bigger.

      I have written a couple of blog posts that can help you in some of the areas and I’ll list them below. Praying Gods blessing and best over you and yours. He is for you and will cause all things to work out for good as you rely on Him!

      Here are the blog posts
      https://intentionaltoday.com/when-you-are-the-more-mature-spouse-in-your-marriage/

      https://intentionaltoday.com/3-reasons-your-husband-is-not-mushy-about-jesus/

      https://intentionaltoday.com/help-i-am-married-to-an-introvert-how-to-work-through-personality-differences-in-marriage/

      https://intentionaltoday.com/ambition-when-you-are-the-reasonable-mate/

      https://intentionaltoday.com/balancing-your-dreams-in-marriage/

      https://intentionaltoday.com/6-things-i-would-tell-my-newlywed-self/

      1. Ngina,

        He spoke with the pastor that night and it went as wonderfully as I could’ve hoped for! We’re on the road to recovery and mending broken places – it’s truly a beautiful thing. I couldn’t thank you enough for simply taking the time to post these links. I definitely need to be better about resting in God and understanding my role as a God-fearing wife. Your blog gives me so much hope and help. I’m going to subscribe and I’m so excited for what’s next in life. Thank you again for hearing me out and providing me your words. Your gift is true and it’s very, very inspiring. God bless!!

  5. I needed to read this today, it was timely. Thank you for your very wise words and encouragement.

  6. Noemyrngel says:

    Is it still helpful to read while being separated and heading for a divorce ?

    1. Hi Noemy, I replied to your comment on Amazon but here it is again” I believe (my new book) it is helpful, in the sense that it is a
      personal-responsibility kind of book, where I explore our responsibilities in marriage. How to respond to situations
      that feel “unfair”, how to go to God for help, how to explore our own
      part in the wounding of our spouse/problems in marriage, how to trust
      God and navigate situations that are out of our control. it might not
      stop are separation or divorce, but I believe it can inform and equip a
      person facing such a situation.

  7. Lisa Koster says:

    I’ve been in Kenya and I’d be terrified to drive there! I know what you mean about misinterpreting your husband’s words. It seems like our mind always assumes the worst, doesn’t it?

    1. Lisa, you know!! Haha, it’s not easy driving on the roads of my beloved country 🙂 Yup, it’s funny how the mind goes down the wrong way automatically, instead of automatically assuming the best! Thank God we can renew our minds!

  8. My mantra, when I feel disappointed, is “He did not do it on purpose!”. That puts it in perspective for me because I know he loves me and would never hurt me on purpose.

  9. Raeanne Woodman says:

    The Lord led me here for a reason. I needed His reminder. My husband left the house at 6:15 A.M. this morning. Truthfully, I was filled with anger. Your words were the reminder that I needed to hear. His Word is always a soothing balm for my spirit.

    1. Raeanne, so happy to hear this encouraged you. Your words remind me of Psalm 119; 105 (i think) – Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Surely, in Him we have all we need, right when we need it.

  10. Great post Ngina. I have come to look at disappointment as a tool to turn me toward the one who never disappoints. My expectations have changed a lot through the years, I expect to be disappointed in others and myself too. No one has arrived yet. It’s what i do with the disappointment that is important. When we look at each other through the eye of Christ we are able to form a relationship that will last, one we will not walk away from in our disappointment. again great post.

    1. I am glad this resonates Betty, thank you for adding depth to the conversation. i like what you’ve said, at the end of the day we can’t be disappointed when we’ve set our hopes on the right One, right? It’s something we have to keep working on. Thanks for sharing

  11. Great thoughts, Ngina. I’m particularly struck by your #4 point. I think too often we look only at the other person and don’t step back and consider our own part. I know of one conflict resolution model where an early step is to state what you personally did to contribute to the problem. I think that’s so wise.

    1. Amen Loren. Its so hard to see that speck in our eye. I know its particularly hard for me sometimes 🙂 That’s a great model you’ve mentioned, and i think it sets a good tone to the rest of the process when we own up right off the gate.

  12. Kristi Miller says:

    I had a friend from church over today and we were discussing this very thing. Especially point number 2. When we focus on others to be the source of our contentment, they (and we) will always come up lacking. There is only One Remedy for the void in our lives and no matter how much we try to make our spouses (or anyone/anything else) fit & fill that hole in our lives, it just won’t work. We have to work on our relationship with Christ and ourselves IN Christ before we can adequately work on our relationships with others.
    My husband has been such a blessing in my life and you hit the nail on the head with each of your points. I know when we do have struggles, these four areas are at the heart of it. Whether it be my unrealistic expectations of him, my lack of recognizing my own role, or when we simply but sometimes all-too-easily push God to the back-burner, problems are bound to arise.
    Keeping Christ at the center of our marriage and like you said in another post- not having an exit plan, makes such a world of difference.
    Thank you for another insightful post and your conviction to help heal marriages. God bless!

    1. I can only say amen and amen Kristi! Nothing good comes out of putting our hopes in fellow man, even when they love us so much. We simply have not been designed to fill each ithers voids. Only God can do that. Thank you for adding more depth.

  13. I’m guessing you passed your driver’s test. 🙂 I had to take one when we moved to Montana from Idaho because I had let my old license expire a few day before renewing it and I was switching states.

    I still remember the exam lady saying, “If you don’t stop cutting corners, you’re not going to pass this test!”Thankfully, I wowed her with my parallel parking and she gave me a license. It was scary!

    Now, four kids later of sitting in the waiting room while they did they’re driver’s tests, I’m an old pro at this. But I hope I never have to take one myself again. 🙂

    1. Hahaha, i too hope i never have to take the drivers test ever again! I think my nerves came from having to perform TIMED maneuovers 🙁 I was so glad when it was over lol. You sure are an old hand after 4 kids. 🙂

  14. Excellent points. I know I’m guilty of #2. I’m so thankful that God uses all sorts of circumstances to show me my heart and reveal to me areas where I am not putting Him first.

    1. I am also guilty of #2, TC. I keep going round that mountain 🙁 but Ive grown and am not where i used to be. Thank God He’s so patient with us 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.