What does it take to make a marriage flourish?
Recently I shared a dilemma on Facebook
“Sometimes do you need to remind yourself that you are no longer doing life alone? I do. I have days when I get busy and run ahead – thinking, planning, doing, deciding, wanting, controlling – and in my busyness, forget I am joined to another.
I forget consulting. And that consulting with my husband has nothing to do with my value or level of intelligence; I am smart and capable. But I joined my life to another and that means honor, an attitude of the heart that esteems his thoughts and our one-flesh union.
I have to remember that running ahead and creating singular success might seem like a grand thing but it’s completely empty if you get there alone. It is much better to reach our destination slower and together. Than run ahead and get everything done and our unity suffers.”
Making a marriage flourish is not a walk in the park
Most couples want a unified front – the sweet intimacy and depth that comes from being of one mind and heart. But we struggle when it comes to the “how of it.”
Making a marriage flourish is possible but it requires wives (and husbands of course) to switch on a different part of their brain and heart.
The part that makes the determination “marriage is for keeps and I am here for the long haul and I will do my part to make it a happy journey!”
So let’s talk about 4 important mind shifts to help your marriage prosper. These apply to husbands too!
To make your marriage garden flourish, remember
1. Creating an uncommon marriage is a process, not an event.
Just because you got a ring and said “I do” does not mean you fully understand the ways of a wife.
Or he knows everything it takes to be a good husband.
Both roles are learned. On the job.
Look at it this way; sometimes it takes the same amount of time it took to learn a habit to unlearn the habit.
It took you years to perfect singular living.
Chances are, it will take you time to unlearn those ways and replace them with marriage-friendly ones.
A ring and a vow does not change everything about you and everything about him.
Practice, faith, applying yourselves does.
Judith Viorst says
“One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until you fall in love again. “
Here’s what I am saying.
Don’t be depressed and frustrated when you exhibit anti-one-flesh tendencies, like not wanting to make love because he was unkind, or wanting to tattle on him or “dying” to go back to single life.
Just because you feel a certain way does not mean you are that way.
Feelings are fickle; at the end of the day, it’s what we do, in-spite of how we feel that counts.
Work on your attitudes, process your feelings; ask God to help you work thought the emotions.
But don’t allow your feelings and flesh to dissuade you from what God started. (Mark 10;9)
When you feel like walking in the opposite direction of unity, keep walking into the arms of Jesus; allow Him in to the confused dark places of your heart and marriage.
Don’t assume your trials mean you were not meant to be together.
2. Hard times can help you love deeper
If you and your spouse allow them.
I smile when people tell me I have the most perfect, the most effortless marriage; I thank God for His grace that makes it look effortless but the truth is there’s nothing like an effortless marriage.
Most couples, yours truly included, are like the sweet pair of ducks floating down the river; looking all suave and cute and effortless.. but underneath the surface their little feet are paddling like crazy!
A good marriage is hard work… especially at the beginning.
People with beautiful relationships have found that beauty in difficult times.
You don’t need hardships to create a great marriage, of course. But pain and difficulties have way of searing lessons into our hearts like nothing else can.
So don’t run away from difficulties and pain. Don’t grow faint of heart because you got a test.
“In marriage it is never about not falling. It is always about getting back up” Dr Emerson Eggerichs
3. Lack of an exit helps you work on your marriage like there’s no plan B
When you know there’s a plan B, you work like there’s a plan B.
But when you know there’s no exit, you work like there’s no exit.
Feel like sleeping on the couch? You take yourself by the ear and put yourself in that bed. You might sleep on the edge, but at least you are in the same bed. You are feeding the connecter, not the separator.
So often we disconnect from our spouse or make silly choices because we gave ourselves more wriggle room than we should have.
We allowed ourselves to think that grass can be greener on the other side. That friends will understand us more than our spouse. That “why, my mum didn’t put up with such and such, why should I?”
Yet to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime, we must treat it like we want it to last a lifetime.
We must nurture and protect and cover it like it’s our highest treasure. Because if it is, your mind and actions need to get in on it.
If you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime, you must treat it like you want it to last a lifetime. Nurture and protect like it's your highest treasure.Bottom line; make up you mind there’s no plan B.
And you’ll be working on your marriage like there’s no other plan.
4. When you feel like God is absent, it doesn’t mean He is
Marriage is one of those places where when it’s hard, it can be incredibly hard and when its good, it can be gloriously good.
In the early years of marriage and whenever there’s conflict, one of the things that fly out of the window is the concept of God’s presence in the middle of our marital mess.
(I really struggled with that and I talk about it here.)
We ask,
“If God is in this marriage, why is it so hard?”
“If we are meant to be happy, how come we are not?”
“If God is for us, why don’t we feel Him?”
Well, marriage is hard because its made up of two imperfect people.
It’s impossible to have a perfect relationship when you are married to an imperfect person.
But even in our messes, we can still experience His incredible presence and joy and peace. Isaiah 26:3, Psalm 23;4
Ecclesiastes 4:12 talks about “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” A great marriage is not made up of two people, but three. The third person is God and He’s the One that holds everything together.
God can make the marriage work, even when the odds are stacked against you.
He will still your heart and give you unfathomable peace right in the middle of your storm. He will comfort you and help you.
But for Him to work in you and your marriage, you must look to Him, not your feelings or circumstances.
PS. This post is for wives in relatively healthy and but growing marriages where disappointment and heartache are part of the growing process. It takes intentional effort by both spouses to make a marriage flourish.
If you are in an abusive or adulterous marriage, other posts on the blog might be more helpful. See this
Question: What can you add? What is the one (or two or three) things that have helped your marriage? Lets talk in comments.
I don’t think I can add a single thing, Ngina! I love this and agree wholeheartedly! And I cannot wait to celebrate your book being published! We will have to do a special Wedded Wed in your honor, my friend! Oh, and that photo (I’m sure from your wedding) I love, love, love! <3
Yaaay Beth! Thank you, what an honor! I look forward to gracing Wedded Wednesday upon the launch. Thank my friend! Yes, it’s a picture from my wedding, I was signing the certificate! 🙂
Excellent!
I particularly like that you pointed out the transitory nature of feelings…and that action is what carries the day. Sometimes we just don’t feel ‘love’ for our mates, in the romantic sense. But we still have the duty of positive action, and the duty to work toward the re-engagement of those emotions.
http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2014/11/respecting-your-spouses-dreams-seventh.html
Amen Andrew. I like how you’ve put it esp this part “….the duty to work toward the re-engagement of those emotions”.. it’s easy to wallow in negative feelings, not realizing it’s our duty to work towards getting into good emotional state with our spouse. Thanks for adding that, powerful way to explain it.
Good truths! One of the things that made a bid difference in the first 10 years of our marriage was realizing that God put us together – how can you walk away from that? Also, realizing that when I was angry 90% of it was my issue, 10% my spouses. Wonderful article – wish I had read it in the first 10 years!!!
You bring up something that I too struggled with for a long time! I never took responsibility for my reactions, always though it was his fault i was feeling a certain way. Well, I learned (still learning) that it doesn’t matter what he did or did not do, my reactions are not his responsibility, they are mine! Takes a loooong time to learn some of these small things, doesn’t it? 🙂 Thanks for adding to the discussion.
“He will make your marriage work, even when the odds are stacked against you.”
This is no always true.
“
I completely agree with you, Joseph. That’s why right after the second sentence quoted above, I said “But for Him to work in you and your marriage, you must depend on Him, not on your feelings or circumstances” That goes for both spouses, choosing to rely on God to make the marriage work.
To further clarify, here I encourage wives to do their part in building a strong foundation for their marriage. But I acknowledge that there are cases when there’s abuse or abandonment in marriage and I do not propose that one spouse can “make the marriage work” by themselves. It always takes three – God, two spouses – (like i pointed out in the post) to make it work.
My heart here is to encourage the early-wed wife who is going through early marriage adjustments and everyday irritations.Not that the early days cannot have cases of abuse or abandonment (and I believe God can heal those too) just that my focus here is slightly different.
Anyway long comment, but i just needed to clarify those 🙂 Thank you for adding to the discussion, brother. Appreciate.
Hi, Joseph
I’m not sure if I agree with you. I have seen and witnessed God performing miracles in marriage that have completely blown my mind away. Even with non-believers. Yes, my parents divorced because my mom wasn’t willing to listen – so I do agree from that perspective. But, this is God – who created the heavens and the earth in seven days, He can perform miracles that will make the most hardened heart melt. I’ve seen it!
Yes, I too have seen God perform mighty miracles in marriages.
And I have also seen spouses harden their hearts against God’s tender call and continue in their abusive willful violation of their sacred covenant vows, to the destruction of the marriage.
Yes, God is God, and there is no doubt of His ability. But just because God is able to do something does not mean that He will. If God were willing to violate our free wills in order to save us, then none would be lost…but that is not what the Bible teaches.
You might enjoy this post on my blog, discussing the topic of God honoring our choices: http://josephjpote.com/2012/02/god-respects-our-choices/
Excellent article. And as loathe as what I am to agree – I think I must. My mother wanted to get divorced. From the day she married my father, she wanted to get divorced. And she eventually found two highly respected Christian leaders in our communicty who agreed with her. My poor Dad was none the wiser. And when they agreed with her (and she had to look long and hard to find them), that was it – she just went ahead. The fact that no-one spoke to my dad, or found out his side, or even tried to mend the broken relationship was clearly beside the point to my mother – it was what she wanted, and she eventually got her way. And it was the biggest mistake of her life, because instead of enjoying retirement now, she has to work another 20 years to pay off her mortgage. But, it was what she wanted. I know God can and will perform miracles in marriages where both partners are willing and keen and desire the best. And even if they don’t, God can change their hearts and minds even if they just utter a little prayer for Him to do that… 😉
That must have been heartbreaking for you. I’m so sorry you had to endure that sorrow.
Yes, God specializes in changing hearts of people who desire to be changed! Yes, He still works through the prayers of His people. Yes, marriage is an important enough relationship to be worth investing one’s full heart and soul in love, faith, hope and prayer.
Speaking from personal experience in a former marriage, there came a time when the Holy Spirit simply told me it was time to let go. Time to stop holding onto the relationship…stop holding onto the hopes, dreams and visions…time to stop praying for healing of the marriage and for her heart to change. It was time to accept that the marriage was over…time to trust God to walk with me thru the divorce…time to trust Him to protect our precious children as their world took a major change.
And God is faithful!
He is faithful in a marriage and He is faithful through a divorce.
Thank you, Baby-Mama, for the discussion. Have a blessed day!
Thank you for this discussion Baby Mama, Joseph. And that’s a great article Joseph, it’s very insightful on the topic of choice and free will.
Thank YOU, Ngina, both for the thought-provoking post and for hospitable company.
Blessings to you and yours!
What a great article with excellent advice. This is one to read over and over.
One easy tip I read awhile back on another blog (that isn’t as in depth as your suggestions) but that has a wonderful impact when you do it faithfully, is to simply kiss each other for 15 seconds, every day. Fifteen seconds is no time at all, but when you are kissing it seems longer and is enough time to just melt the rest of the world away. Sometimes we get too caught up in our lives and settle for a quick kiss but don’t take the time to really hold each other and connect on that level, but when we do it can soften our hearts and make the rest of our interactions kinder and more meaningful.
Thanks again. I’ve been blessed!
What a beautiful idea Kristi! It does make a difference when we take time to be in the moment, as a opposed to being hurried! Thanks for sharing and explaining it so well.
Ngina, you should check out “What Did You Expect?” from Paul Tripp. It’s one of the best, if not the best, marriage books I’ve read. His basic thesis is that marriage is one sinner married to another – so when trouble and selfishness come, what did you expect? Then he talks about how to deal with that. It reminds me very much of the thrust of your post here.
I’ll check it out Loren, it sounds solid!
A few weeks after returning from my honeymoon my dad went into the hospital. A few months later I took leave from work and moved in with my parents to care for him before he died.
That tough period showed me the heart and devotion of my husband. When times get tough now, I think back to our first few months as a couple and realize God has truly blessed me with an amazing husband.
Life isn’t a fairy tale…it’s better!
These are wonderful lessons from such a trying time TC. Thank you for sharing. I love your last line! It’s not a fairytale..it’s better!
Very nice read. The work like there is no plan B advice is brilliant! It works!
Amen Abbie!
This is probably one of the most awesome articles I’ve read on marriage in the blogosphere. I tweeted some of your quotes, but had to eventually stop myself short of tweeting the entire blog. There are some amazing truths here – thank you for being so inspiring.
Thanks for the tweetouts Baby Mama 🙂 So glad you have been blessed!