4 Indispensable Mind Shifts Every Newlywed Wife Must Make

Loving My Husband | Newlywed Advice

I don’t know about you but whenever God starts to do a new thing in my life, I find myself slow-gliding back to the basics i.e God seems to answer my desires for an upgrade by some type of downgrade.

Specifically, He resets some of my thinking, and obliterates some of my expectations.

Nonetheless going backwards, especially when we’ve waited for sooo long feels like a slap to our  sanctified souls.

“I have made so much progress in my life already, why do I have to start again?”

“God, why can’t you just build on what I already have, why do you have to empty me out completely?”

“Why take me back to Kindergarten when I can just graduate college!”

Four Important Mind Shifts For The Newlywed Wife (For A Happier Marriage!)

So let’s talk about you.

Here you are.

Prayed up and trusted God for a husband.

And now it feels like this miracle of marriage has edges and spins like you never expected.

Dear newlywed wife, here are 4 areas you need to die to so you can start again and your marriage can thrive.

1. “I am always right”

Remember how you were always right in the single days?

Of course you weren’t, but it was easy to walk away from stretching circumstances and disagreeable folk.

At least it was easy for me.

Until I got married and realized the days of walking away from inconvenient situations were gone.

My husband was here to stay.

Here’s the thing you need to remember; that wonderful man you married has his own ideas, perspectives and opinions. It’s solo-adventure no more. Read this post Communication in Marriage: A Husband’s Perspective

Certainly, you must learn and grow together. But you can’t do that while sitting on your high horse.

Climb down, ease into the student’s seat – become an ardent student of your husband and marriage.

For only when you die, can you truly live.

In marriage, only when you die, can you truly live. Here are 4 areas you need to die, so your marriage can live Click to Tweet

2. “He has to be like my daddy” (or not)

I grew up in a home where men fixed things.

My dad built our house, repaired things, tinkered with the car, felled trees.

Did I mention he was a carpenter by training and passion? Complete with a buildings contractor profession.

I did not see how his passion and training connected to his skill and I just assumed all men were like my dad and brothers – they build and fix things.

Then I got married to a salesman son  – city-born and city bred, without an ounce of ‘handyman’ in his veins.

My world turned on it’s head.

Do you have definitions of what constitutes “a real man”? Ideas and images you picked up from your upbringing and TV and society?

You can’t bring those into your marriage. You’ve got to empty out, present a blank slate for God and hubby to write on.

You can’t pour into an already full vessel, something has to give. Empty out so your marriage can thrive. Read this post Role Models: How to Let Go of the Past so It Doesn’t Hurt Your Marriage

 3. “I will grow up when I want to”

A group of geese will fly further as they fly in a V-formation.

The combined flapping of wings gives them an edge against the wind; So much so that even a weak goose can tag at the end of the line, relying on the ones in front do to most of the pushing.

I am a last born of nine kids and it didn’t take long after the wedding to figure out I was lacking some essential life muscles. For years I had relied on the 8 geese ahead of me, aka siblings, to do most of the flapping.

Now whether you came into marriage all grown up or not, marriage will demand that you begin to grow up in areas you didn’t even know existed.

The earlier you begin to grow up, the better and sweeter your relationship will be.

Take personal responsibility for your growth.

Don’t grow up when you feel like. Grow  especially when you don’t want to.

4. “It’s his fault”

Most wives have all sorts of tender spots and pressure points  – areas where a slight squeeze elicits yelps of pain.

The pressure points are not the problem though – we are all a work in progress. Check out this post Pressing Through Relationship Triggers So Your Relationship can Heal

The problem is that we tend to blame and decide “he started it

But here’s how the scoring happens in marriage; our reactions and responses are entirely our own responsibility.

Not our husband’s.

As long as you are blaming your husband for your reactions, you can’t change a thing.

His behavior might not be okay; but his behavior and your response are two different things.

Newlywed wife, here’s the path to a great marriage

Here’s how Author Justin Davis puts it

“The way to an ordinary marriage is the path of least resistance. If you want an extraordinary marriage you will have to choose it

What will you choose today?

Question – What other newlywed wife  tips can you add? What is working in your marriage? Please share in Comments.


Are you madly in love with your husband but suspect your marriage can be better? Or maybe you are the imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy (like the rest of us!) who is tired of fighting, fussing and misunderstanding. You long to restore joy, healing and happiness to your marriage. You want to love better, create the marriage of your dreams, God’s way. Well, there’s hope! My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years might help! Learn how to work out the kinks, find joy in imperfection, positively influence your marriage and create the marriage of your dreams, one intentional choice at a time. Start your journey when you buy the book –>  Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF

Blues to Bliss - Creating Your Happily ever after in the early years

Picture by Agung Prakoso BayuAdi on Pexel

Linking with Titus 2sdays, we are That family, Messy Marriage, Wifey Wednesday,


  1. Ashley Cozzens says:

    Thanks for #2! I didn’t realize how much I was setting up unrealistic expectations that way until I read that and realized there is no “mold” for a manly husband other than trying to be like Jesus. There truly is nothing wrong in having that blank slate for your husband and God to fill. Thank you!

    1. I am glad it’s helped Ashley..I love how you’ve put it – there’s no mold! And there’s nothing wrong with a blank slate. I think we struggle with that as women cos we are full of things and ideas 🙂 Glad we are growing! Thanks for reading and sharing your lesson.

  2. Thanks for the tips. Realistic!

  3. Loren Pinilis says:

    Wow, you dropped a lot of wisdom here, Ngina!
    The one that sticks out to me is 4 – choosing our own reaction. And being responsible for our own reaction! This is something I’ve had to remind myself of recently as I deal with others. I can only change myself.

  4. RebeccaVDH says:

    Wow. Number 2. How did you deal with the differences?

    1. Not too well at first! I stressed out, then tried to “change him”, which didn’t work of course. After while I quit trying to control everything and God helped me put aside the images i had in my mind. Still a work in progress but i am super glad I am not where i used to be! : )

  5. Darby Dugger says:

    Found you through the Wedded Wednesday Linkup. Great advice and reminder for all married women! Thanks

  6. This is really good advice, and not just for newlyweds!

  7. Wow, these are great tips, Ngina, and fun to read – I love the way you share your own experiences while giving great advice.

  8. Great thoughts!

    I love that God doesn’t just answer our prayers to change situations, He changes us.

    I can’t control my husband (too bad- wink) but I can help make his job easier by keeping my heart soft. He is tasked with a big job in being the head of the family. That doesn’t mean he is ‘over me’, just that God designed marriage differently than our society views it. That makes the husbands job even more difficult. I don’t need to make it even harder by being stubborn and resistant to God’s design.

  9. You know what you’re talking about, girlfriend! You’ve walked through these trouble spots, Ngina. And that’s what makes this so relevant. I especially liked, “Don’t try to grow up when you want to, do it anyway, especially when you don’t want to. I learned that one the hard way–refusing to “grow up” time and time again until I realized resistance was useless and dishonoring to God. I’m so glad that you’ve been sensitive and humble enough to receive these lessons and pass them on to all of us. Thanks so much!

  10. Great post! Yes, a great and healthy marriage is a choice both the husband and wife needs to make (And it’s a daily choice). I think knowing and understanding our spouses personality, strengths, and weakness is important.

    1. Daily choice – it surely is! we can’t rely on what worked yesterday, there’s no cruise control on marriage 🙂 thanks Dan.

  11. Another wise post. I like that word to summarize it; “expectation.” We all have that trait and it can tend to blind us to our own short comings. Emotions ride on the train of expectations. For all of us… Excellent post, Ngina.

    1. Expectations can blind us so much. it takes maturity and death to self to situations for what they truly are. thanks for adding your wisdom.

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