When a wife is tired or overwhelmed, sex can begin to feel like a husband’s invention, not God’s good idea.
Frustration takes center stage and physical intimacy becomes that thing she dreads to think or pray about.
But God wants us to thrive in our sex life, regardless of the season we are in. And just like we can talk to Him about other areas of marriage, He wants us engage Him concerning our bedrooms.
Today let’s look at 5 verses of Scripture and glean important lessons for our marriages.
1. Hebrews 13:4
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled”
Typically, when a couple experience challenges in the bedroom, the first place they look for solutions is the bedroom.
But sometimes the real struggle, and therefore the solution, lies someplace outside the bedroom.
In the verse above, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all” comes before “The marriage bed is to be undefiled”
Spouses who defile their marriage bed first lost honor for their marriage. A spouse who refuses to cultivate or fan physical intimacy first devalued the marriage in their mind and priorities.
As women, our ability to multitask can be a blessing but it becomes a huge liability when we take on too much and then use our busyness as an excuse.
Truth is, we do what is important to us. We finish the 10pm conversation on Facebook because we thought it was more important than snuggling up with hubby.
Is your sex life feeling a little dry? Does it consist of more no’s than yes’s? Are you constantly irritated by your husband’s advances? Feeling like hanging a “please-turn-off-the-lights-when-you-are-done” sign across your forehead?
Maybe you need to start looking for answers outside your bedroom. How are your priorities? Have you walked away from your first love? Is marriage still honorable? How are your boundaries?
2. Song of Solomon 1:2
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine.
The verse could have ended at “let him kiss me” but God thought it was important to give us a little more detail “let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth“.
In fact, Verse 4 and 5 goes deeper
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.
The Shulamite woman is doing something we need activate in our marriages: building anticipation for physical intimacy with her husband.
We need to start thinking about making love before we make love. We need to visualize and dream and change the conversation in our head long before we get to our bedroom.
Unfortunately, many wives don’t understand the connection between the mind and their attitude towards sex. Many wait to “feel in the mood”, instead of “willing” themselves into the mood.
Sex begins in the mind. You can get there but you need to get your mind there first.
So when was the last time you prepped for sex? And I don’t mean a quick shower and lacy lingerie just before bedtime.
I mean when was the last you paused in the middle of your day to daydream and plan for intimacy? When was the last time you intentionally switched off distractions and mental chatter and focused on intimacy?
Fun idea! – Write your own Song of Solomon! You can use the verses above (Song of Solomon 1:2- 5) as inspiration but change them up and replace them with your own. Title it Song of (insert you husbands name) and send it/read it to him this week! Even if it doesn’t knock his socks off, it’s still a fun exercise for you because it gets you thinking about intimacy!
3. Galatians 5:13
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
Christ called us to freedom in our bedrooms too – freedom to communicate, tell each other what we like, enjoy and pleasure one another.
But sometimes we use that freedom to indulge our flesh, instead of serve our spouse. Our moods and feelings take over, dictating when and how intimacy occurs, instead of being led of the Spirit. (John 16:3 Galatians 5:1)
Jesus said in Mark 10:43 “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant”
God views service as one of the greatest attributes we can have and He wants it to be central in our marriages. The modern liberated woman might despise it, your flesh will fight it, but it remains a noble Godly pursuit.
When you feel the urge to play the “rights and freedoms” card, consider Christ.
“Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death– even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:6-8
4. Song of Solomon 5:6
I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.
Do you miss your husband when he’s not home?
Mine travels a lot for work and there are things I used to take for granted that I try not to take for granted any more.
Like seeing him at the end of the day, hearing one more quirky joke, even cooking for him and picking up a stray sock from the floor.
His travel has brought a whole new level soberness and appreciation as I see loved ones not make it home from the airport or business trip.
Having a husband to love, to laugh with, to hold us when we cry, to listen to our stories, to share our joys and listen to our hopes is special. (If you doubt that, ask as single woman or someone who has lost a loved one)
Here’s a quick thought – when you think about your husband, what comes to mind first? Provider, fixer, handyman? Or friend and lover and gift from God?
Friends, our level of appreciation shows in how we treat our loved one. If he’s first in our minds, he’ll be first in our priorities.
5. 1 Corinthians 7: 8 – 9
To the unmarried and the widows, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Okay, let’s look at this verse a little differently. What do you do when you want to push sex down the list of priorities?
Quick thought – take a quick walk down memory lane; remember your pre-marriage days.
Remember the anticipation, the longing? In fact, go back further and remember the single days, how you prayed and asked God to bless you with a husband.
And God did. Now allow the memories of the past and the vows you took to ignite a fresh fire and direct your priorities.
*I know some of you reading this are the higher drive spouse. Next week I’ll have some tips for the higher-drive wife, be sure to check it out. Update. Here it is – To The Wife with a Higher Sex Drive