What does it take to strengthen your sex life?
When a wife is tired or overwhelmed, sex can begin to feel like a husband’s invention, not God’s good idea.
Frustration takes center stage and physical intimacy becomes that thing she dreads to think or pray about.
But God wants us to thrive in our sex life, regardless of the season we are in. And just like we can talk to Him about other areas of marriage, He wants us engage Him concerning our bedrooms.
Today let’s look at 5 verses of Scripture and glean important lessons for our marriages.
5 Bible verses to strengthen your sex life
1. Hebrews 13:4
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled”
Typically, when a couple experience challenges in the bedroom, the first place they look for solutions is the bedroom.
But sometimes the real struggle, and therefore the solution, lies someplace outside the bedroom.
In the verse above, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all” comes before “The marriage bed is to be undefiled”
Spouses who defile their marriage bed first lost honor for their marriage. A spouse who refuses to cultivate or fan physical intimacy first devalued the marriage in their mind and priorities.
As women, our ability to multitask can be a blessing but it becomes a huge liability when we take on too much and then use our busyness as an excuse.
Truth is, we do what is important to us. We finish the 10pm conversation on Facebook because we thought it was more important than snuggling up with hubby.
Is your sex life feeling a little dry? Does it consist of more no’s than yes’s? Are you constantly irritated by your husband’s advances? Feeling like hanging a “please-turn-off-the-lights-when-you-are-done” sign across your forehead?
Maybe you need to start looking for answers outside your bedroom. How are your priorities? Have you walked away from your first love? Is marriage still honorable? How are your boundaries?
2. Song of Solomon 1:2
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine.
The verse could have ended at “let him kiss me” but God thought it was important to give us a little more detail “let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth“.
In fact, Verse 4 and 5 goes deeper
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.
The Shulamite woman is doing something we need activate in our marriages: building anticipation for physical intimacy with her husband.
We need to start thinking about making love before we make love. We need to visualize and dream and change the conversation in our head long before we get to our bedroom.
Unfortunately, many wives don’t understand the connection between the mind and their attitude towards sex. Many wait to “feel in the mood”, instead of “willing” themselves into the mood.
Sex begins in the mind. You can get there but you need to get your mind there first.
So when was the last time you prepped for sex? And I don’t mean a quick shower and lacy lingerie just before bedtime.
I mean when was the last you paused in the middle of your day to daydream and plan for intimacy? When was the last time you intentionally switched off distractions and mental chatter and focused on intimacy?
Fun idea! – Write your own Song of Solomon! You can use the verses above (Song of Solomon 1:2- 5) as inspiration but change them up and replace them with your own. Title it Song of (insert you husbands name) and send it/read it to him this week! Even if it doesn’t knock his socks off, it’s still a fun exercise for you because it gets you thinking about intimacy!
3. Galatians 5:13
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
Christ called us to freedom in our bedrooms too – freedom to communicate, tell each other what we like, enjoy and pleasure one another.
But sometimes we use that freedom to indulge our flesh, instead of serve our spouse. Our moods and feelings take over, dictating when and how intimacy occurs, instead of being led of the Spirit. (John 16:3 Galatians 5:1)
Jesus said in Mark 10:43 “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant”
God views service as one of the greatest attributes we can have and He wants it to be central in our marriages. The modern liberated woman might despise it, your flesh will fight it, but it remains a noble Godly pursuit.
When you feel the urge to play the “rights and freedoms” card, consider Christ.
“Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death– even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:6-8
4. Song of Solomon 5:6
I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.
Do you miss your husband when he’s not home?
Mine travels a lot for work and there are things I used to take for granted that I try not to take for granted any more.
Like seeing him at the end of the day, hearing one more quirky joke, even cooking for him and picking up a stray sock from the floor.
His travel has brought a whole new level soberness and appreciation as I see loved ones not make it home from the airport or business trip.
Having a husband to love, to laugh with, to hold us when we cry, to listen to our stories, to share our joys and listen to our hopes is special. (If you doubt that, ask as single woman or someone who has lost a loved one)
Here’s a quick thought – when you think about your husband, what comes to mind first? Provider, fixer, handyman? Or friend and lover and gift from God?
Friends, our level of appreciation shows in how we treat our loved one. If he’s first in our minds, he’ll be first in our priorities.
If he’s indeed special, you pursue him, initiate intimacy, go out of your way to make him happy.
5. 1 Corinthians 7: 8 – 9
To the unmarried and the widows, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Okay, let’s look at this verse a little differently. What do you do when you want to push sex down the list of priorities?
Quick thought – take a quick walk down memory lane; remember your pre-marriage days.
Remember the anticipation, the longing? In fact, go back further and remember the single days, how you prayed and asked God to bless you with a husband.
And God did. Now allow the memories of the past and the vows you took to ignite a fresh fire and direct your priorities.
*I know some of you reading this are the higher drive spouse who could use some tips on how to strengthen your sex life. Next week I’ll have some tips for the higher-drive wife, be sure to check it out. Update. Here it is – To The Wife with a Higher Sex Drive
Struggling with libido and sexual confidence in marriage? It’s tough to be bold when you just aren’t sure about things! My book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride provides the road map to sexual confidence in marriage. Learn how God wired you for intimacy and how to enjoy intimacy with your husband now, not later. Buy the book Kindle I Paperback I Nook I PDF
So I took a peek at the additional article you mentioned in this one, about wives with higher sex drives, and I read it with the perspective of “husbands with higher sex drives”. It could not be more true and worthy advice. Between this article and my remixed perspective of husbands and high sex drives there is total gold of advice.
I see an abundance of sermons and blogs, talks and resources for wives to up their game on sex. It’s funny that we often don’t regard the fact that the husband may have an inordinate high drive for sex that causes him to be completely inconsiderate of the practicality and burden of raising a family and how that impacts a woman’s energy and enthusiasm.
Men have a tendency to invest the grander portion of their emotional expression of love in the physical act of sex and can easily, especially if they are the one with a higher drive, turn an intimate act into a sense of obligation and duty and pressure a wife beyond necessary to fulfill a need they should have taken the time to have filled by God.
I think your advice in the article for higher drive wives is perfect for all husbands, whether their wives have a compatible or lower drive than they. Ultimately, as much as wives need to be mindful to not become bitter and overwhelmed by family life, and to take time to cultivate intimacy with their husband the reality is much of the time the husband is fueling the bitterness and sense of being overwhelmed by his selfish demands and view of his wife as his outlet for stress and emotional relief and fulfillment – while not sufficiently helping in the home or with children.
Thank you for adding your thoughts. Such a great perspective
There is also the perspective of what happens when the husband regularly and consistently does the chores and helps out in and outside the home, yet he is still left feeling ostracised, unloved and his intimate needs unmet time and time again. Is he at fault for having a higher sex drive or it not a case of both parties pleasing each other, and as the author of then article states sometimes it will be to the sacrifice of self. This is scriptural – not withholding from each other!
Sexual desire and the fulfilment of it thereof is not for God to fulfil, it was the very reason that God gave to the man, woman, and gave to the woman, man, and the two cleave together. God is there to meet our spiritual needs. A wife that continually rejects her husband in the area of intimacy cannot expect him to go and get it met with a deeper connection with God. Same goes if the wife has a higher sex drive. We should be praying instead for God to supernaturally increase her desire that the two can become more compatible. The man or woman should not be made to feel like they have something wrong with them or need help. He / she must encourage and pray with the mate who has a Lower libido and bring God unto the equation to supernaturally bless their agreement in this area to honour, serve and obey. Sex was made for marriage and the man for the woman! Can two walk together unless they be in agreement. A three fold chord (God in the middle) cannot easily be broken.
Great passages! I really liked “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” The key word is serving our spouses in everything we do (including sex).
This is such a beautiful article Ngina. You are doing a great work on this platform.
I can relate with the aspect about not taking your spouse for granted. It reminds me of the time my husband travelled for two weeks. I missed him so much that I cried the whole time he was away.?
Ephessians 4:2-3 (ESV) are verses I found inspiring for building the right character in marriage. The word of God has all the answers we need for ALL marital issues if we only follow the principles of God because he is the author of marriage.
2: with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
3: eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Oh the joys of being joined at the heart (one-flesh)! I feel you about the sadness and tears! 🙂
Those are wonderful scriptures to build up the marriage. Thank you for sharing!
I like this! It was good to me. My favorite was the one about looking at things outside the bedroom. We’ve got to realize and remember that things aren’t typically isolated events. And many areas are affected by the things we do and say, the attitudes we have, and how we consider and treat one another. And the marriage bed happens to be one place that reflects that very clearly.
Amen, Kyndall. Love your thoughts and the emphasis on reflection. We don’t always realize that until its a little late but its wonderful when we live with that revelation!
Wow. This is so profound. Hebrews 13:4 spoke to me so much, I have defiled my marriage bed so many times by having so much to do at the end of the day I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep.
May God help me to work on this.
Mutsa, I’ll be writing a post on how to plan our days better so we have margin for intimacy. I am glad this post has encouraged you towards more intentionality! Blessings to you
Oh my, Ngina! I absolutely love the way you wrote and processed this post out for us, my dear! This is great! Just a thought … what would you think about using this for the basis of a book on this subject? I think there is so much profound and powerful truth here, my friend.
Also, Ephesians 5:31-32 are some very important and inspiring verses to me about marriage, Ngina. I love that we are modeling for the world what Christ’s love for the church should look like. Hugs to you!
These are awesome verses, Beth!
I am so glad you’ve enjoyed the message. Mhhh….that’s an awesome idea! I’ll think about it and meanwhile, I’ll be adding it to my soon-to-be released eBook for brides-to-be! Thanks for your sweet encouragement, as always!
The verses that have most helped my sex life are Ephesians 5:31-32, where Paul quotes Moses about creation of marriage, that “Two shall be one flesh,” then Paul proceeds to note that our one-flesh relationship in marriage is a reflection of the greater relationship that Christ has with His people, His bride, the church. This lifts married sex between Christians to a much higher plane than a mere human relationship.
That is P.O.W.E.R.F.U.L Eric!
Thanks, Ngina,
I’m working on a book, VOICES FROM THE PAST, with a female coauthor, in which we’re using this concept as one of our major themes. And yes, I have read your great book, as has my wife.
BTW, I’ve been to Kenya and spent a week at the Africa Inland Mission home in Nairobi.
Eric Wiggin
Thank you so much Eric, I think I read your review on Amazon and it blessed me so much. Thank you for your kind words.
I am looking forward to your book’s release and hopefully share it with my readers here.
I don’t meet too many people who have been to Kenya! I hope you enjoyed your stay!
I did enjoy my stay in Nairobi–it’s a beautiful city, and the climate is ideal (we were there in November). I even got to preach to an outdoor audience in the downtown area. I think about half the crowd spoke English, so many people understood my words.
Our book deals with Bible women in a context of 21st-century America. Right now I’m working on Leah and her troubles with Jacob in a polygamous marriage. I don’t know if polygamy is a serious problem in Kenya, but it is in Niger, where I also stayed for a week. There were two lovely young ladies who came to an evangelical church I visited there. They were Christians, but married to the same pagan man. They sat together, and seemed to be friends.
I’m taking the approach that even when a woman’s husband has another woman, she needs to let the Lord help her out, especially in a polygamous marriage, where children are involved. Leah may have had Jacob to herself, after Rachel died.
Eric (married nearly 53 years to one wife!)
Eric, that’s a lot investment and years into marriage! Wonderful!
Yes, Nairobi weather is beautiful most times of the year. Glad you enjoyed it. The downtown event sounds like a “crusade” or lunch-hour out doors meeting if it was a weekday. Most people speak or understand English, especially in the cities. I am sure it was quite a different experience!
Sounds like a very interesting book! I’ll definitely want to pick a copy once its out. The Kenyan constitution changed to legalize/recognize traditional marriages that involve more than one wife. That, amongst other things, caused quite an uproar in the church. Looking to read your wisdom.
Ngina,
Polygamy isn’t legal anywhere in the United States, but it is practiced illegally, sometimes openly, sometimes secretly. Usually they call it something else, like “keeping a mistress.” Or simply acknowledge that it’s adultery, but do it anyway. One of my brothers married a woman whose father, a medical doctor, kept a mistress with his wife’s knowledge. He was a professing Christian. But his life showed otherwise.
It becomes a major issue when children are involved, as is usually the case. Marriage counselors say that is common.
In my book I shall not address polygamy, per se (although it will be necessary to mention it in the case of Leah, who was married to the same man as her sister, Rachel, and their maids were Jacob’s concubines). I will, however, deal with the adultery issue from the perspective of what is a wife supposed to do. One could say, “Divorce the rat.” But often that does more harm than good, especially to the children. Even when divorce is necessary (or ought to be done), it’s still a difficult decision for a woman to make. Of course, in Old Testament times women could not divorce, but men could.
I once counseled a woman, mother of two children (boy 12; girl about 10) who phoned me for advice. She had divorced her husband “because we weren’t getting along.” She was a Christian, and he professed to be. But he didn’t fool around with women, and he paid the bills. He also refused to leave. He loved his kids, and they loved him. This was a situation that could have been fixed with a little humility. I never did learn how it turned out. Divorce is way too easy in the USA. Women’s “rights,” you know.
Eric
It is the same problem we have in Kenya Eric, and I think across many cultures that look up to the West. It doesn’t look like polygamy in the traditional sense but is..its the “modern” version. And i agree, there are no easy answers. I am looking forward to read your wisdom.