What is limiting your growth as wife?
“Everything that has life grows,” my pastor used to say.
These words ring true for marriage as well; that if our marriages are alive, there will be signs of growth.
If there’s anything I’ve learned teaching and mentoring wives, it’s that wives desire, nay crave, growth.
We don’t want to stress over the same things we were stressing about last year.
We want to praise more than worry, trust more than doubt.
We want to love better than we did yesterday.
But to grow in this way, we must overcome challenges, make personal changes and allow transformation to start from within.
Today I want to look at some of the things that limit our growth as wives, and if unaddressed, how they affect marriage.
5 things that will limit your growth as a wife
1. Old wounds
In my upcoming book, (Update, now available here) – I talk about how I came into marriage carrying old daddy wounds.
God had healed me (by far) by the time I was getting married, but the adjustments and challenges of marriage began to pick at the scabs.
I don’t know what areas of your life need healing, or what areas God has already healed.
But marriage, because it’s closeness, intensity and depth, is a place where your healing will be tested.
You need to understand that old wounds trying to burst open is not necessarily a sign you are unhealed.
Sometimes it’s just a test, a sort of push-back against your growth and healing.
When the test and push back comes, it’s not a cue to fall apart in despair; it’s time to stand your ground.
If you have unhealed or unaddressed wounds, understand that they do affect how you see yourself and your marriage.
But there’s healing for you. And it begins when you follow the gentle beckoning of the Holy Spirit, allowing him into the dark caverns of your hurt and disappointment.
Remember that what you cover cannot get healed.
Deal with the past, expect your healing to be tested. Don’t fall apart simply because you were presented with a test. Work through it, stand on your victory
Related post
Role Models: Dealing with your past so it doesn’t hurt your present
2. Unhealthy marriage dynamics
A marriage relationship is as good as the two people involved.
Someone said that an omelet is as good as the quality the eggs in the bowl; one bad egg will spoil the whole omelet.
When it comes to the “marriage omelet”, I believe God can work with one good egg. i.e. He can hold the marriage together with just one “good” spouse, as he works out the situation.
But often God will need this “good egg” (spouse) to be very honest about the status of the relationship.
Like, you can’t ignore the stink in your relationship and expect your relationship to flourish.
If there’s a unhealthy habit, you’ll need to be brave and “go there”.
You’ll need to pursue real peace, not merely a lack of conflict.
You’ll need to speak up, with love and grace.
You’ll need to let go of timidity, laziness and fear.
Because
God has called you to be a helpmeet, not a enabler.
He does not hold you responsible for what your husband does or does not do, but He holds you accountable to your end of the deal.
3. Unhealthy environment
As a new bride I was extra concerned about adding extra weight after marriage (being honest y’all).
I have always walked on the leaner side and one married lady had planted an ominous seed in my head.
“Wait until you get married, your small waistline will disappear!”
It was terrible “advice” to give a skinny single girl!
As an early-wed wife, you’ll have all kinds of advice flying in your direction. And sometimes you’ll feel helpless against tide.
But you are not helpless.
You don’t have to soak up everything that comes our way as if it was the gospel truth.
Because it’s not.
In fact, the only “advice” you should be giving your ears to is the one that lines up with the word of God!
Watch your environment, who you hang out with, what you watch, what (and who!) you listen to because it will affect your expectations, belief and growth.
Check out this post and scroll to point # 8.
4. Self-limiting beliefs
Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”
God wants you to have an extraordinary life and marriage.
If you struggle to believe that, think about Jesus; leaving majesty and splendor for this old dusty planet of ours, so He can rescue us from sin.
His extraordinary sacrifice and grace was not in vain; He did not die so we could be helplessness and defeated and worried.
He did not come all the way to give us a small ordinary existence.
He overcame the impossible so that you could overcome the impossible. He didn’t do that for Himself, He did it for you.
So as you go through different seasons of marriage and life, continually shed off every limiting voice that attacks you.
Voices that want you to to act small in your marriage and as a wife.
Voices that say God has abandoned you, that your husband will never change, that you can’t have children, that your finances will never improve.
The way to shed off limiting beliefs is to start knowing what God says concerning your life and your marriage.
“Positive mind talk” is all good, but girlfriend, it ain’t going to win this fight.
You need God’s power to overcome mental strongholds and thinking patterns and you find it in His word.
5. Lackluster relationship with God
A limping marriage sometimes indicates a a limping spiritual life. (Click to tweet).
That limp is most pronounced in your number one area responsibility; your role as a wife.
In their book “Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough“, (affiliate link) Authors Justin and Trisha Davis say
“You can’t have an extraordinarily marriage without having an extraordinary relationship with God.”
Please read the following posts on this topic.
Is God instructing your marriage today?
Of Idols in marriage and how to break free
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Creating a great marriage is not easy. But I thought it was. After all, “love is enough.” Still, feelings of love took flight and our new marriage struggled. Took a long time but I finally began to learn what true love was; an intentional pursuit of my vows, in the midst of life’s messes and failure; a determination to honor God first, before my spouse; a willingness to take personal responsibility (and courage to keep my spouse accountable) So..are you an imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy? My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years might help. Learn how to positively influence your marriage and create the marriage of your dreams, one intentional choice at a time. Buy the book Paperback I Kindle I Nook I PDF I PDF EU NATIONS . Or Click here to go to the book page.
Marriage definitely grows you in greater ways. I feel like before I was married my moods were pretty constant: I was usually fairly happy and sometimes a bit down. But when I got married, the highs got higher and the lows got lower. Life is more stressful, but the highs are worth it.
I like where you said “lackluster relationship with God.” Sometimes we go through the motions: church, reading scriptures a bit daily, praying before meals, but our relationship with God is stagnant.
I had “daddy wounds” too, Ngina. I know it really skewed my view of my husband in the early days of my marriage and hindered my ability to be vulnerable and love my husband without reserve. Your points, as usual, are so helpful and make me eagerly anticipate reading your book when it gets published! Hugs to you!
Ooooh, so true! I think I’ve seen all of these in my marriage. Thanks for sharing! I found you from the Wedded Wednesday link-up and now I’m following you. I’m blogging about marriage this month too and it’s a stretch for me so I appreciate all the advice I can get! 🙂 That “crave growth” sure resonated with me! 🙂
Bonnie, thank you for coming by! I am glad the post has blessed you. I will visit with you shortly!
I really love the things you said in #2, Ngina. Can’t wait til your book is out! I really think you have a fresh perspective on marriage.
Thank you Barb 🙂 I am looking forward to have the book out, it’s with the editor now. Praying it blesses many! Thanks
As I read your post I thought of Job’s wife, how she told him to curse God and die.
We can be hard on her, but we forget that she too lost everything- even her kids. She was grieving. Job however showed his Spiritual Maturity by not lashing out at her, but simply reminding her that we must accept both the blessings and the trials from God.
Suffering provides great learning opportunities for growth and healing. But we must choose to go through the pain. We must decide it’s worth it and we cannot listen to others who are not listening to God.
Good people, “religious” people, can sometimes mean well, but cause great harm. We must compare everything to God’s Word. We must seek God first, and others ‘well meaning’ advice later.
TC, thank you for sharing, so powerful.
I once heard a famous preacher – who was being pressurized to give his opinion on another’s famous preacher – explain his decision not to have an opinion “I wasn’t on that phone call! (between the other preacher and God) ” 🙂 And I thought that as pretty neat! That we just let people hear from God and not try to have a last word on everything.
It’s easy to go with people and get scared out of obedience so it’s so important to hear, clarify and keep on clarifying with God.
Thanks for reading, I always appreciate your insights.
Love that quote from that pastor. It’s so true. We don’t know what God is telling anyone else. We shouldn’t be so quick to judge and/or assume.
Thank you.
What would you say if a wife just didn’t want to grow?
Hi Loren! First, growth is a personal choice, so a wife must CHOOSE to grow, it can’t be forced on her. The health of her marriage depends on her growth as a person, so if she’s interested in a flourishing marriage, she will need to make changes. I’d encourage her to seek God, work on her relationship with God (if she’s a Christian) because only God can convict us of certain things, change our desires and help us to be what He wants us to be. If it’s the husband who need pointers when his wife just doesn’t want to grow, I wrote a post on that sometimes back https://intentionaltoday.com/leadership-submission-when-one-spouse-wont-do-their-part/ (it’s on leadership and submission but can be applied in other areas too)
“In fact, the only “advice” you should be giving your ears to is the one that lines up with the word of God!”
Liked the post in general, but had to comment on this. Just how did her advice contradict God’s Word? The Bible isn’t a marrage manual, health advice book, financial planning book, child-rearing book, science book, history book, etc. – even if it doesn’t comment on these issues in a few places.
I don’t think she was saying all was hopeless. She was stating what’s reality for a lot of women, including myself. Maybe it wasn’t that helpful for you though. Even if it’s poor advice, I wouldn’t say it was inconsistent with the Bible.
Hey Jenny, thank you for reading and sharing! I did not say her advice contradicted God’s word. I was using the story to illustrate how I allowed fear into my heart, based on something I had been told.
The point was, weigh everything carefully, don’t allow words from others to put fear into you, look to God’s word instead. hope that makes sense! 🙂
This is such a stunning article. Thank you!
🙂 Glad it blessed you!