How do we navigate financial difficulties in marriage?
Finance issues in the early years of marriage (or later years) can be a cause of discord. But instead of allowing challenges to drive a wedge between them, a couple can learn to cleave and weather the storms together.
The nature of difficulties is to make us inward focused (selfish), instead of outward focused (nurturing and caring of another).
So for the couple who want to grow together as apposed to drift apart during financial stresses, intentional habits and actions must become part of their relationship DNA.
My husband and I hit a huge financial low in our first year of marriage
I quit my job of seven years three months before the wedding. Four months after the wedding, my husband was laid off. It took another year before we were back to our feet again.
To successfully navigate lean financial times, a wife needs to remember the following about financial difficulties in marriage;
I’ll speak from a wife’s perspective but the lessons apply to husbands as well
1. Her husband is not her source
Difficulties tend to surface our silent beliefs and expectations. Financial challenges often reveal how we wives look to our husbands to provide.
Nothing wrong with expecting our guys to take care of us but we are talking about our deep seated need for security and how we expect our men to provide and soothe in ways that only God can.
So we must learn to take our needs to God first; our guys are human and sometimes they will run into walls and we can’t expect them to knock them down super-humanly. That is God’s realm.
The hardest adjustment is often that of the heart; to love your husband like he’s the best gift but also realize he has his limits; gaps he was never meant to fill to begin with.
But once you have begin to have your heart right, your mind and emotions begin to follow and you begin to have peace.
2. Practically manage your household
I struggled to adjust my spending habits, because I had been independent for so long.
But during our season of financial stress, I quickly learned that flinging the “I know God will provide” line to excuse uncontrolled spending wasn’t a good idea.
As wives, we must be realistic about our situation, even as we trust God to provide.
Discuss things with our spouse instead of hiding and making assumptions. Be humble; it’s okay to eat rice and beans more than two days a week (look at it this way, you have something to eat!)
Cut out excesses. Pair down.
And don’t attempt to keep up with your girlfriends!
3. Encourage your husband during a financial crisis
As a wife, this is not the time to be on auto-pilot with your words.
I know that sometimes women are not trying to discourage their husbands, just thinking aloud.
But “innocent” words can leave a man feeling terrible about his inability to provide.
And it’s not just about the things we don’t say, but also about the things we say. We must be intentionally thankful for things our spouse is able to do. Be their cheerleader. Stay sensitive to their feelings.
Remember; negativity does not beget positivity. You are not being motivating by being pessimistic. See 6 things wives do that hinder communication in marriage
4. Keep your connection even when facing financial difficulties in marriage
Finances are a huge thing in marriage but they are not everything.
Don’t shut down because things are tough; don’t allow yourself to drift and withdraw from your beloved.
Don’t mop all day and give him “the face of despair” when he walks through the door. I am not saying you hide your emotions. But when you walk in the revelation of # 1, you will have strength for every moment.
Try and get creative. Suggest cheap dates, fun things to do together that don’t cost much, if at all. Purpose in your heart to draw closer, to connect. Go out of your way to keep a positive cheerful atmosphere in the home.
At the end of the day you are partners, for better and for worse. See Husband is discouraged? 9 Ways You Can Help
5. Learn the money and relationship lessons
Real love happens in the pits, not plains; sometimes the best lessons are learned in the dark.
Challenges can stir us from our cocoons of comfort and inspire us to take the next step.
Instead of complaining about where you are, learn something. Budgeting, commitment, better communication, self control are good lessons to draw out if we intentional about it.
6. Graciously accept help, if it’s there, but always remember to guard your relationship.
Sometimes people want to help but want to do so with strings attached. I guess it’s the same way an investor would want to monitor his investment.
But marriage is different.
As a wife, understand who comes first – God, then your husband. Don’t allow “helpers” to walk through the door of your marriage and call the shots.
Question: What lessons have you learned in hard financial times? How do you deal with financial issues in a relationship?
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Great job Ngina, awesome things you are saying there which I have learned and will try and apply especially now that we are there with my wife. Hey could I borrow some of that stuff for my blog/
wow, so awesome to have you come by papa! You and Mama have taught me all I know, so this could very well be your blog post! Will drop you mail
This post is so applicable to all marriages, Ngina, even if finances have always been good. That line “So you can’t pressure him [your husband] to be God, to give you what he doesn’t have” is so true. I struggled with understanding that God provides everything, not my husband. Even my husband was a gift from God, and while I don’t think I intended to elevate my husband to god, it kinda happened in the first few months of our marriage. We weren’t living in a good neighborhood, and I had no idea how to run a household or how to save money and make resources last. I was kinda free with my spending in our first few months of marriage and I had pretty much shouldered the financial burden for our wedding and the honeymoon (which I dumbly put mostly on credit) and had to learn the hard way… credit is not the way to go! It comes back to bite later. It took me almost an entire year to reign in my spending, and give my husband over to God, and trust God to be God and take care of everything.
The two biggest lessons we’ve learned in our marriage is don’t buy on credit and a husband and wife have to be a team. God has been so generous and gracious and has helped us climb out of credit card debt slowly. We’re not fully there yet, but we’re well on our way to paying things off. Praise God! And yes, a husband and wife have to be on the same page financially. Even though I’m not the breadwinner, my husband lovingly includes me in financial decision making, which makes me admire and respect my husband even more. It makes it easy to trust him because he’s so open with me. On the flip side, if my husband makes a decision after we’ve talked or tells me to hold off on spending money or tells me not to spend at all, I have to respect that, even if I don’t agree. My careless spending and racking up my credit card bill behind his back and losing my job was a wake-up call and extremely disrespectful. A wife needs to respect her husband’s financial decisions as the head of the household and be open and honest about “her” money too.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey Hannah. So many lessons and so much wisdom gained. It’s wonderful how God teaches us – the process is painful but the lessons are great. I particularly like your thoughts on respecting our husband’s financial decisions. i know sometimes wives struggle, especially when they are earners too. Thanks so much for reading and sharing. I appreciate
Great post Ngina! Despite not being married yet, I’ve experienced financial turmoil a few different times in my life. Your 2nd point about being realistic is key. It’s important to have a balance. In the long run, I’ve found worrying to be counterproductive at best, but we need to be concerned enough to have additional responsibility with our spending habits, as God is less apt to support stupidity 😉
ha! Love that last point. That’s so true! God wants us to grow up and so often, growth won’t feel nice! We must get to a place where we can be entrusted. that means a whole lot of growing up. Thanks so much for reading and sharing
Thank you for sharing this Ngina,it reminds us of the values we often forget we have to posses
Thanks Sylvia, glad the post resonates. We need these reminders 🙂
wonderful, practical advice. Thanks for sharing!
Megan
Glad you liked the post Megan! Thanks!
Accepting the discomforts is a great way to keep moving forward DS. I remember trying to fight some of the changes happening and failing miserable. So often, we just need to take the “this too shall pass” attitude and keep on living. Thanks so much for sharing
This is an amazing post, Ngina! I think it’s especially relevant given the current economic climate in our country and the world. So many people are struggling financially or without work. I’m so glad that you’re taking what you’ve learned in the lean times to help others. I especially love your words, “negativity does not beget positivity.” I think that’s a lie that I’ve bought into at times and it comes straight from the “pit” of hell! I’m thankful for your words here and will be highlighting your blog and this post tomorrow at Wedded Wed, my friend!
You are not alone Beth… I too struggle with negativity, allowing my own lack of focus on God and angsts to spill out and make a mess of things. I find that whenever am not focused on Him internally, whatever proceeds out is just bad.
Wow am so honored to be highlighted in your blog tomorow! Thank you so so much, super excited! Can’t wait to link up and check out other awesome bloggers. Blessings my friend!
I like your point of encouraging your husband. I can pretty much guarantee you that your husband feels worse about everything than you do, and he doesn’t need you to remind him of anything. What he needs is a cheerleader just like you said.
Financial problems can stress a marriage so much. It’s so tough to be there for each other appropriately during those storms, but they can draw couples much closer together.
Loren you’ve said it well. It takes the hand of God to move a couple closer, the default tendency is to get lost in our individual issues, drift apart and. and fight and argue about everything.
Wives love fixing and making things better. I think at some point, i realized that i could never really understand what my hubby was going through and the best i could do was pray and be understanding, not try to ‘fix’ anything. I think recognizing this as wives can free us to be more supportive of our husbands without trying to run and fix anything.
Thank you for sharing your experience Barb. Isn’t it amazing how God makes all things work for our good.
I like what you say about blame. I believe that support, forgiveness and understanding brings a quicker turn-around than all the faultfinding we can muster. But of course, pointing fingers comes “more naturally” and we have to be intentional about out words and actions. Thanks so much for sharing your journey.
I think if handles correctly a marriage can grow and become better through a time of financial difficulty. I think it’s important to have a budget and frequently communicate it with our spouse, no matter what season of life we are in. Great post!
Communication is a great key Dan! Couples must keep talking, and not shut down when things are hard. Budgeting is a good call too. Great perspectives, thank you for sharing
Your welcome. Keep writing great content!
🙂 Amen
When I first quit my job to stay home I worried about bills. It’s been over 2 years now and God has always provided! It’s been great learning to rely on Him. At first I was scared to spend anything…I’m now learning to balance excess spending with treating ourselves occasionally. I’m learning God doesn’t just pay our bills but He wants us to enjoy life as well. The key for me is to endeavor to daily surrender to Him and ask Him how I should spend HIS money!
Thank you for sharing your experience TC. Wow. Thank you for shedding some light on the other extreme. It’s so easy to allow fear to take the upper hand. I struggled with hoarding at some point – at one point i wasn’t sure if i was being a good steward or just a terrified stasher. God has a way of reaching deep into our hearts and exposing our motives for what they are!
I love what you say, it’s all about asking God how to spend HIS money! That’s precious revelation to have. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Thank you for bringing up such important topics!
God loves to reveal Himself and our hearts to us when we allow it. Often what we find inside isn’t beautiful, but in the hands of God, we become new!
That is so true, there’s nothing He can’t heal and make new!
We’ve had our share of difficult times. Trusting and relying on God seems fo over used, but in the end it is the beginning and end of peace and joy. If we can’t be faithful to Him in the tough times, chances are the tough times aren’t going away anytime soon. Great advice, oh woman of wisdom…
Tough times tend to reveal where our hearts truly are at. It’s important to learn the necessary lessons otherwise and as you point out, we’ll make several trips around the mountains. Thank you for sharing Floyd 🙂