Are you single?
Want to get married?
Here are a few “do nots” when it comes to finding love.
Please note; This is not an accusatory list, more like “I wasn’t perfect at this either and someone needs a reminder, just like I did” kind of list 🙂
1. Pay the first bill..and most of the bills thereafter
I used to kick my heels at chivalry and everything with a whiff of “being taken care of“.
But I learned that at some point, a girl has to lay down her warrior sword and allow herself to be taken care of.
It’s the running joke in our house now, that I am his (well) kept woman.
I love being a kept woman, my husband’s woman.
But my husband cannot take care of me unless I allow him to.
Now if you think that’s wimpy, let me tell you, it takes a different kind of strength to be taken care of.
You don’t need any strength to flow down the river with all the rest of the fish.
You need unique strength to swim upstream, against popular opinion and your fleshly thoughts and inclinations and obey God.
As a single girl, you want to develop those muscles now.
Allowing him to pay the bill – or pull up the chair, or carry the heavy bag, or open the door and all the sweet chivalry stuff – allows the man underneath to rise to the surface.
For you to see.
Oh but we have it the other way round in our world today.
We want strong men but we won’t give them a chance to be strong on our behalf.
We want loving men but we exhibit zero patience for its growth.
We want wonderful men but we smoother them when they try.
When you refuse to have him pick the bill or insist on splitting the bill (by now I hope you know we are not talking about food bills only, but about allowing him to take the lead), you rob yourself the opportunity to grow (aka allow someone else to take care of you).
And you rob him the opportunity to learn to take care of you.
2. Keep calling him
Especially when he’s not picking the calls.
It’s easy to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why he’s not picking your calls.
I know because I have a very imaginative mind and back when I was single, when a guy didn’t call back when he said (or didn’t say) he would, I showered him with grace.
Oh, maybe he’s in that business meeting he talked about. He forgot his phone. He didn’t see my call.
What I learned? Very fast?
A man of his word keeps his word. I don’t need to chase him down.
So I worked hard to keep a “locked till you deserve it” padlock on my heart.
Learn to hide your heart and refuse to give it away too early.
Song of Solomon 2:7 says
“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, (that must be old school for “this is serious, sis”) not to awaken love until the time is right.” (brackets mine)
3. Accept dates…even when you are not interested in the person.
It’s a heart boost, feeling like men find us attractive, interesting, likable.
It warms our hearts and adds a swing to our step.
So you accept dates.
Even when you don’t really like the person, can’t stand most of his mannerism, can’t imagine introducing him to your mum.
Thing is sister, one of these days you might be so busy going out with a random guy that you miss on a good man.
And since we reap what we sow; someone might be doing to you what you are doing to others.
Choose to find rest in the Lord. Find your worth and identity in Christ and not in man.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’
4. Share your secrets
Sometimes we feel like trading secrets makes for interesting and unique conversations.
But the problem is we “trade” too early. And often with the wrong people.
Coffee dates are not the place to bare all.
They are more like opportunities to listen and observe. (hint: two ears, one mouth)
Dates are learning opportunities.
Enjoy the tea and a great meal and good conversation, but have your ears and eyes wide open. (Which means your mouth is shut a lot of times)
When you share your deep stuff, your connectors start having a mind of their own.
You feel like the man owes you something because you shared so deeply.
Which leaves you all exposed, vulnerable, needy.
5. Chase men harder than you chase God
So God is late and looks like He needs your “help”.
Or maybe God is always disapproving of your choices.
Sometimes God goes silent because we did not ask first.
We did not pray before going out with that guy.
We did not seek His peace; just laced up and ran out the front door the moment a guy pulled up in the driveway of our lives.
You run out, hoping God would catch up with you.
But don’t expect God to be leading you where He never sent you. (Click to Tweet)
Don’t be mad at God because He’s “not speaking”. He never sent that man you are dating.
People disappoint, husbands fail, wives frustrate; marriage is not a cure for human aches and problems.
If anything, marriage reveals more of who we are, not less.
So you want to be found in the right place: all sold-out to Jesus, in love with Him, not His gifts and blessings.
6. Keep track of your biological clock.
Instead of God’s clock.
When we start listening to all our girlfriends talking about that mysterious biological clock, (and trust me, it’s not just single ladies who talk about biological clocks) we start thinking that we need to do something about it.
We suffer selective amnesia, on one hand believing that God is supreme, on the other hand acting like He’s not so supreme when it comes to biological matters.
But God created you and He did so with a purpose; He has a plan for your life.
Nothing can separate you from His perfect love.
It’s a daily choice, a journey, where you decide that God is more important than a child or a man.
Please read this post.
7. Stay ignorant about your hormones
It’s shocking, the number of women who have no idea how hormones affect their emotions and choices.
Every month, they go through bouts of crying in the shower, hugging pillows and dreaming silly dreams.
And making really bad choices.
And a few days later, they look back and wonder what got into them.
There’s nothing much you can do about your female make-up, hormones included – except maybe eat well, exercise.
But you must be aware of it’s ebbs and tides.
When that sketchy guy from the office next door starts to look really attractive, it’s not the time to fuss at yourself (or worse, get with him).
Check your calender, get yourself a cup of tea, hang out with your girlfriends and hold on to Jesus.
Be intentional about what you allow in to your mind on those days.
Create a safe place, keep yourself accountable if you need to.
But mostly, don’t be mad at yourself because you don’t feel as strong.
Keep a “this too shall pass” – in a few days – attitude. And it shall.
What other tips and encouragement can you share with our single sisters? What worked when you were single? If you are single, what is working for you?
If you are engaged or courting, my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After will help you sort through the myths and find truth! Purchase the book here