I love reading some of the internet search phrases people use to find my blog.
Recently, someone landed on my blog by searching “things you should not do to your spouse” .
I didn’t have a post along those lines, and so I thought it would be a fun topic to address today!
Without further ado, here they are; 8 things you should not do to your spouse or marriage
At our house, I have the quicker tongue, which means I often err on the side of not-so-funny.
But James 3:11 says “does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?”
You cannot send out life and death at the same time. You must cultivate the right attitudes within your heart in order to give life to your marriage.
These include discernment; knowing who to talk to when you need counsel and advice.
Trusted mentors or counselor? Yes. Friends, family or colleagues? Not a great idea. See this 9 Things Every Newlywed Couple Should Know About Mentoring
Remember that while you and your spouse will make up and forget about your issues, other people won’t forget or forgive as easily.
2. “you always/you never”
Our minds have this astonishing ability to recollect to the finest detail, our spouses past mistakes wherever we are in conflict.
In the heat of the moment, our spouses can become 100% bad in a particular area.
But I’ve found it hard to live forward when I’ve engaged reverse gear.
Before you allow such words to leave your mouth, remember no one ever got motivated to change by a verbal or emotional beat down.
Plus such words are often exaggerated and rarely move your relationship to the place you desire. See this 6 Phrases You Should Ban From Your Marriage
Jim Rohn said no one ever drifted to the top of a mountain; you climb up.
While a great marriage is a grace-fueled journey, it’s also filled with intentionality. You get to make choices and choose your attitudes that say “I still do.”
A happy marriage won’t be handed to you on a silver platter. You work at it.
Spouses who are committed to building a strong marriage understand that quitting or disengaging in any area of their marriage will never be an option.
(Where abuse, infidelity, abandonment are present, see this post Divorce: When a Wife Feels She Has Done Enough)
4. Live without boundaries
We don’t normally leave treasures like gold out in the open, vulnerable and unguarded.
We store our treasures in safe secure places.
Marriage is a high treasure. When you took your vows, your spouse became # 1 in your life, after God.
All your opposite sex relationships (and other distractions) ought to bow to that one relationship. See this Married? You Should Not Have a Pinterest Board called “Eye-Candy” And this Protect Your Marriage; Keep Boundaries with the Opposite Sex
5. Shun help
You don’t know everything. No one does.
That’s why you need mentors – someone who is further down the road.
Someone who can offer perspective and insights that’ll strengthen and transform your relationship.
The thing about mentoring is that the relationship doesn’t just fall into your lap. You cultivate it.
Nowadays you can learn a ton of things through reading good books, marriage blogs, sermons and podcasts. We are without excuse.
6. Keep a dry prayer closet
Dr. Frank Fincham, Director of the FSU Family Institute says
Our research shows that praying for your (spouse) can bring you back to the common goals. When people pray, they become one with their spouse.
A subtle shift occurs. Praying regulates your emotion and it never leads to anger. Knee-mail is social support available 24/7..
Your one-flesh journey needs to be bathed in prayer. Prayer changes your environment, but it often changes you first.
7. Play tit-for-tat.
We often struggle to give ourselves to our spouse when we feel they are not meeting our needs.
Obviously a healthy marriage is where both spouses do their best to meet each others needs.
But God is still the only One that can meet all our needs perfectly.
It’s possible to give even when your spouse is not giving back. Cos God can enable you to. See this How Humility Changed The Course of Our Marriage
You can change the dynamics in your marriage by responding, instead of reacting.
8. Keep the peace
We are called to be peace makers, not just peace keepers.
A strong thriving marriage involves intentional pursuit of peace.
Timidity, passivity, ignoring problems does not make a marriage stronger.
It’s true that we can’t make our spouses change or force them to address issues. (I wrote about it here)
But we can communicate, stay alert, keep things at the forefront. We can’t give up or quit in the name of “keeping the peace”.
Question – What other things should we not say/do to our spouses or marriage? Please share in Comments below.
Are you vexed because your husband won’t change? Wondering how to positively influence his life? My book Blues to Bliss might help. I wrote it with the newlywed wife in mind. If you are imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy, this book is for you. Learn about the book, and find the purchase links – Click here
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