Husband’s ambition (or lack there of) – most wives have wrestled with it!
When I got married, I realized that I had unconsciously picked up another side hustle – I had appointed myself to be my husband’s “reasonable-mate”.
i.e the more balanced mate.
That meant whenever the hubs sat on the driver’s seat and aimed higher in ambition, my foot inched towards his brakes pedal.
A few years down the road, I would learn that ours was not the only relationship where a couple collided on speed matters.
It’s not uncommon in many marriages to have spouse gravitating towards audacious motion and achievement while the other leans towards stability or a working routine.
In our marriage, I tried to “balance out” my husband. Which isn’t a bad thing when you do it the right way.
But trying to stomp on the brakes, from the passengers side of the vehicle, does not make for a pleasurable driving experience!
So if you are like me and when you feel like your spouse is moving too fast/being too ambitious in their dreams, and before you try to slow them down, try the following 6 things;
(Ps. This is assuming you are both on the same page about the general direction of your life!)
When your husband’s ambition annoy you, remember to
1. Check your own motives and heart
Be honest and ask yourself if you are being fearful, intimidated or lacking in faith.
Often our first reaction when we feel stretched on the inside is to try and clip the source of our discomfort.
2. Understand that your main job is not to stand in the path of your spouse & force them to stop.
Sometime back a mentor of mine said something funny. He said that when things are thick and tempers are high in marriage “Don’t stick your hand into the mouth of the dragon – it will bite!”
In other words, don’t try to force issues. You rarely arrive at a good solution, just an escalation.
3. Pray
You can’t change your spouse or your circumstances, but God can – and will – if you let Him. (Click to Tweet)
4. Seek outside perspective
If something is really discomforting and you can’t seem to get on the same page, involve a trusted friend or mentor.
Sometimes what you need is a fresh pair of eyes (or authority).
5. Give it time
We all change over time, hopefully for the better. And so does the way we do things.
Something that wound you up yesterday might not wind you up today. Your spouse’s perspective can also change.
So don’t kill your marriage now, trying to take back control while it’s something that can evolve if you give it time.
6. Keep talking
I found that when I was discomforted, the harder part was learning to keep the conversation going without being drippy.
Check out these posts on communication; here and here.
Read the follow-up post Balancing Your Dreams in Marriage
Want to learn how to walk in harmony in ALL areas of marriage? My book, Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years can help! Click here to learn more and to find purchase links.
Linking with Titus 2sdays, Messy Marriage, We are That Family,
I think that there are often deeper issues that come to the forefront in situations such as this. For instance, why is one spouse slower or faster? Is there a lack of faith? Is there fear? Is there a lack of prudence? Is there a need for security?
I think the real successful strategy is to dig deep and find out why we’re different from our spouse.
My sister wish I had read this about three hours ago. I was living number 2 to the fullest, trying with all MY MIGHT to get him to stop doing something I did not agree with. To at least see my side of it. Actually I was the dragon, not him. No I did not pray before I opened my mouth but I am praying now he will accept an, I’M SORRY, AGAIN, will you forgive me for trying to control. You would think after almost 49 years I would have this one nailed down. I am on the same page as he is, it’s just a different page but I am turning to his now. Great post, really needed.
I think prayer is a huge key (for anything). Praying is powerful! I think being the biggest source of encouragement to them when they are winning or seeing success is so important. It allows them to keep reaching for their dreams. Great thoughts!
This is so timely. =) My husband took a week off from work last week and we just spent it together talking about our ambitions and realigned our goals with each other. =)
http://www.thejourneyofawoman.com
That’s so awesome Viviene! Getting on the same page with our spouse is crucial, makes the little adjustments we might make along the way easier to handle 🙂
It’s probably good your husband is willing to take risks, Ngina – you guys can balance each other out. My husband and I are both so laid back it’s a little scary! (Although it does lead for a nice relaxed life.) I’m finally learning to step out on a limb a little bit thanks to the help of the Holy Spirit, and thankfully, my husband is so relaxed, he’s very supportive.
I mentioned to TC in a comment below that in our marriage I happen to be the one that’s generally more un-relaxed, need-more-patience kind of person. So it’s interesting that we switch seats when it comes to specific aspects of our aspirations! Am thinking it’s probably got to do with wanting control :(, that i leap forward on things am more confident about, while hubs generally plods on steadily as he thinks through before he starts out. Am thinking that I might do a small follow-up as i think through some of these newer thoughts!
I think it’s so nice to have similar strengths! 🙂 But yes the Holy Spirit will nudge us out of the nest if we get comfy 🙂 I
Will look forward to the follow up!
Actually in this one regard I think I’m more like your husband. I like to GO! My husband likes to take his time, not rock the boat…he likes to think things through.
I’ve learned there is wisdom in that even if I don’t like waiting sometimes.
I think we balance each other out nicely. There are times that both qualities are needed. The key is to pray and listen.
It’s so funny that in our marriage am generally the one needing more patience! He’s the wiser, think-it-through, weigh-it-out kind of person (which is awesome for me!) but when it comes to specific things on specific areas of our aspirations, we sometimes change seats!
Infact the more i think about it, the more I think that it boils down to matters of control, that when am feeling out of my league (whether in faith, or when i don’t understand all the specifics), i want to clamp down and stall, until I know what is going on exactly (aka wanting to be in charge : ( )
I think i might do a small follow up on this post, thanks for stirring more thoughts on this TC, i appreciate you!
You’re welcome :}
I too like control, it’s something hard to give up.
Balance out your husband eh? My wife does that all the time. Granted, she has slowed me down but not stopped me lol
I love these tips…especially the outside perspective. I always make it a habit to listen to couples more seasoned. I can’t stand hearing from people about their “theories” on marriage and raising kids smh
Great post!
oh the ‘goal’ is not to stop you completely, just slow you down long enough to understand what you are up to! Lol. *just kidding*
That outside perspective helps a lot, it’s been a life saver on many occasions. And ofcourse the best “outside” perspective is that of the Father 🙂 When two people are on that same frequency, the rest of the details are easier to work on.
I think one of the biggest things we can do as help mates to one another is to be on the same page. Too often I wouldn’t share my exact goals and dreams with my wife, often not knowing what they were exactly, and that is where the trouble starts. Being on the same page and the same mind of where it is your going and what the exact goals are makes things so much easier. If we’re on the same page and share the same goals then it’s a matter of how to get there and the difficult times can be talked about in specifics instead of emotion that is warranted because there isn’t good communication. Thanks for the thought provoking post, Ngina… Again!
Amen and amen Floyd! Great words of wisdom, as always. The details can always be worked out if the couple are on the same page regarding the big picture. It’s a challenge when the big picture isn’t very clear to one or both of course, but it really helps to communicate all the same. Thanks so much for sharing this golden nugget.