What If Bad Relationship Teachings are Keeping Women Single?
What if bad dating Christian advice is keeping women single? (Who want to be married.)
In their new book, She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking, authors Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky talk about bad dating outcomes.
“When we talk about *bad dating outcomes,” we often mean breakups, unplanned pregnancies, or dysfunctional marriages. But what if an overlooked bad outcome is unwanted singleness?”
I have been convinced, for a long time, that harmful teachings in my evangelical missionary church in Kenya, where I’m from, are one of the reasons why many women from my generation in that church are single.
A clarifying word before we continue: Bad church teachings are not the sole reason single women who wanted to get married didn’t. I certainly ascribe to the thought that being single is natural, normal, healthy, and wholesome. Women have the capacity and ability to make solid fantastic decisions for their lives. This post is a commentary on pages 105 – 107 of She Deserves Better, where the authors discuss why daughters should know God is not a husband vending machine and, thus, the importance of actively participating in the dating process. My snap-shot does not cover everything, just that one thing.
Christian Singles: Bad Dating Christian Advice
Looking back, I think it’s a miracle I found a partner.
In our high-control church environment, women were encouraged to wait, to trust God, not to show interest in guys, not to date, to avoid male friendships (other than the guys from our church..who, for some reason, often married from outside our local church gathering anyway.)
We were encouraged to busy ourselves with God’s work – be so active with church things you didn’t have time to “obsess” about marriage.
The thing, though, we were not obsessed. We were just typical twenty-somethings, doing typical life things and having typical desires, like a typical person in their twenties.
Our heavily patriarchal African culture thrown in for good measure, the evangelical/fundamentalist emphasis of males taking the lead, and women stepping back and spending their life doing church things did a number on us.
In a section titled “Your Daughter Should Know: God is Not a Vending Machine,” Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna continue
“Feeling relaxed and easy around the opposite sex is a learned skill. Girls who are open to dating- even if they don’t choose to date-are often hanging out with boys as friends, getting used to talking to guys, and honing their flirting skills. Girls who believed they should never date but should wait often avoided social situations with guys because it would seem forward or demonstrate a lack of faith, and so they never learned the skills they needed to start dating.”
Relationship Advice: Bad Dating Christian Advice
I’ve laughed and cried with a friend over some of our dating skills in our twenties. (The word “skills” is overly generous). Forget flirting – highly inappropriate, according to our church – men were an entirely uncomfortable species.
At best, and with all the “dating boundaries,” and rules, men were “brothers.” But who wants to marry a “brother”? (Perhaps the ew factor also explains why local church guys often married from outside our tight church gathering… because we all were too “sisters”!)
Sheila + co-authors talk about how some women are single not because they choose to, but because they were sold a lie (in youth groups, college, churches) about what will bring them a mate. I agree wholeheartedly.
I am heartbroken over areas Christians have got it wrong, but the crushing of single women’s dreams and their manipulation to focus on the church instead (through giving their money, time, etc.) hurts different.
Most of us desired marriage. And some of us did get married. But for many, marriage didn’t/hasn’t happened even though being alone wasn’t the desired hope.
It hasn’t happened, not because of a lack of interest but because of being set up not to find partners. We were treated like little girls than the young adult women we were. (I mean, there has to be something like healthy Christian dating advice for young adults!)
And dating is just harder when you’re older, especially when you have to unlearn and overcome all the garbage you were sold by the church.
She Deserves Better: A Review
I love She Deserves Better, and I think everyone should read it. Yup. Everyone. Not just moms and daughters. Here’s my review of the book on Amazon.
“The best research-based, gospel-centered, toxicity-bursting book for parenting teen girls: Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna sit right next to mom and together wrestle through evidenced-based thoughts and Biblical contexts about what it means to raise a daughter who is discerning, kind, strong, and confident.
I found this book immensely helpful for re-parenting oneself. For the girl in us who needed to know exactly what went wrong. Those icky things suddenly have a name, a story, and mercy, a reframing. Affirmation and a healthier path to understanding what to do better for the next generation.
Imagine a world where girls don’t have to wade through swamps of messed-up theology that damage their view of self and God. Imagine a world where girls won’t consider icky and distasteful normal – where their bodies, emotions, and thoughts are not silenced.
Imagine a future where girls won’t need a book to re-parent themselves from toxic church teachings. You can support the foundation for the girls in your life and set them up for success. (Instead of the swamps.)
If you are a parent, auntie, teacher, pastor, or have any relationship/connection to a girl, if you are a grown girl who needs to inspect her beliefs and get healthier, I highly recommend this book because She absolutely Deserves Better.”
CHECK OUT “SHE DESERVES BETTER” ON AMAZON.
