Marriage Boundaries With a Difficult Spouse: 5 Important Guidelines

Are marriage boundaries a reasonable option for the suffering spouse in a difficult marriage?

I remember the day my husband-then-boyfriend announced the third person in his life. “Our relationship,” he said. “It’s like a living person, separate from you and I, who needs our consistent attention.”

It was a radical revelation and I was arriving at that conclusion too, albeit more slowly. Our relationship was no longer “him” and “me.” There was an “us” element too.

And much as we professed devotion to one another, it was our actions and attitudes, especially in moments of conflict that determined if “us” lived or died.

Unfortunately, that beautiful ideal did not cross over to marriage. At least not in its entirety. Right after the wedding, we started to walk all over each other in the name of “my rights, my needs, you promised, you took a vow.”

(Mark you, our issues were in the realm of “normal marriage problems,” not chronic destructive habits. We were two newlyweds wrestling with the reality of joining two mostly-well-adjusted selves. We were both committed to growth, with the fruit of confession and repentance evident. If your marriage is chronically problematic or you simply unheard and unseen, check out the resources at the end of this blog post.)

And much as our reasoning made sense sometimes, our approach to resolving the issues did not. My aggressiveness and his retreating only made things worse.

I have since learned that ours is not the only healthy relationship to suffer amnesia. A lot of spouses embrace the idea of boundaries and etiquette during courtship only to fight it where it’s desperately needed; in marriage.

But whether explicitly defined or not, all couples who enjoy healthy relationships abide by specific relationship rules, especially in conflict.

Drawing marriage boundaries and offering grace

For a lot of people, grace and boundaries working together is a foreign concept. They feel that love “bears all things” and so spouse should bear all things, including sin and negative behavior from their spouse.

But let’s talk about the grace of God and His loving limits, which act as our blueprint for marriage.

When I think about my relationship with God, which speaks to my earthly marriage, I see a loving limit. “Here is what sin looks like, Grace says. Here’s what I’ve done to rescue you from the consequences of sin (Jesus). This is how you move from failure to victory (repentance.)”

I don’t consider the line-in-the-sand unfair or disrespectful. I see it as a channel through which I take individual responsibility for what is being offered, which leads to this amazing relationship with God.

In the same way, the purpose of marriage boundaries is not to lock each other out but to create a safe environment where spouses can take personal responsibility for behavior. When we don’t create these “safe places”, then problems ensure in marriage.

Spouses might struggle to own up to their responsibilities without being “followed-up,” and wear each other out in the name of conflict resolution.

Galatians 6 1-3 outlines how brothers and sisters in the Lord ought to help each other grow (and a husband and wife are first brother and sister in the Lord)

Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.  Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

Confession: A spouse as a reflector of issues.

We are in the process of looking for a new home church after a recent move and last week we visited a new church. Right after the service, I started to review the preacher’s parting words.

My husband asked me to stop. “You are comparing this church to our former church.”

I didn’t think I was criticizing anyone and so I sped on.

“Babe stop, now you are being critical.”

Me, critical? No way.

I was getting upset at him, but as we got into the car and drove away, God caught up with me, and it became apparent to me that I was indeed criticizing.

My husband saw me fall into the hole of criticism and tried to help me out.

And that’s how couples help each other grow. Marriage is in fact a refining instrument, and as such spouses can spur each other towards maturity and godliness.

So how do we define limits in marriage? How do you, respectfully call out negative behavior and attitudes in a spouse?

Here are five guidelines for developing marriage boundaries.

Please note: Your safety is of utmost importance. If you suspect your husband might not respond kindly to boundaries, you might be in an abusive marriage. Seek trauma and abused trained therapy to help with your next step. Also see the resources at the end of this blog post.

1. Involve your spouse

As newlyweds, my husband was the retreat-er and I was the resolver. Whenever we had conflict he retreated into a cave and I assumed position outside the shut doors to try and get him out.

I was feeling the weight of his shutdowns as I am sure he was feeling the weight of my over-the-top enthusiasm to resolve all misunderstandings in one sitting.

Eventually I felt, after several meetings with mentors and prayer, to quit agitating for lengthy conversations. Not because conversation didn’t matter (it did!) but because I wanted true peace more.

At the time of that realization, we were in the middle of a touchy season and I knew my “can we talk?” question always ended with me over-talking and retreating.

Still I asked for a small “meeting.” And we agreed to sit down and talk. And I shared my heart in about three minutes and left it at that.

If meeting face to face will be triggering for either of you, consider other means of communication, like writing a letter or email. (Please note that if you’re afraid of his reactions, that’s not normal of a healthy marriage. What I’m referring to here is the ability to rationally think, without being overly triggered and emotional, which might affect your ability to process issues, between two people who are already overall empathetic, respectful and considerate of each other.)

These communications are important because the next time you feel your spouse impeding on a boundary, you have something to refer back to. The email or note you wrote or the discussion you had about that area.

Again, if you cannot approach your husband because you’re uncomfortable with his reactions, consider involving a mediator e.g a licensed counselor.

You cannot force him (see #2) but as the spouse who is feeling the weight of boundary-bursting, you get to decide what crossing the line looks like, based on experience. And then you go ahead to respectfully observe the limits.

2. Remember you cannot force a spouse to observe marriage boundaries

Now, just because you created a limit does not guarantee your spouse will not rub up against it. That’s why the boundary is there to begin with, because they are struggling to keep a habit in check.

A spouse might not breaking a boundary out of malice. Sometimes a spouse might forget a boundary exists or they might healing from past trauma or they are just immature. These are not excuses but explanations.

Of course, once a spouse learns about the other’s healthy limits, they should observe those limits. If they are struggling to respect those limits they should find out why (e.g via therapy) and do the work of getting healthy and bearing lasting fruit. If they don’t do the work but continue to wound and hurt their spouse, they might be abusive and their spouse needs to get trauma-informed support.

Now, consider how you treat someone who crosses the line, in the real world? If they are adults, you treat them as such. You talk it out and hope they get it. If they continue to offend you, you draw the line.

If it’s a colleague at work, you request a different cubicle down the hall. But you don’t get on their face every day, demanding they treat you right.

Your husband is an adult. You hope he heard you when you expressed your desires; now it’s up to him to grow and change and it’s up to you to watch over the space you control.

Here’s what I wrote in my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years;

“As you work on your communication blues, you will eventually address the unhealthy undertones in your communication and put boundaries and rules for healthy communication. For example, if in the past he has walked out in the middle of a conversation, because he felt overwhelmed, you want to call that out. “I want you to know that I feel disrespected when you walk out in the middle of a conversation. If you need to take a break, I think it’s only fair to tell me your needs so I can work to respect them.” Click here to find out more

We cannot control our spouses but we can control what we expose ourselves to.

If he is chronically late, you don’t have to wait and simmer in anger every.single.time. Think up and discuss solutions. And then follow through. Take a cab, catch a ride with a someone else if possible, or discuss a second car.

For those in a destructive marriage (see the posts below for more help): if he’s watching pornography and expects you to be fully available in the bedroom, you can draw an intimacy line (with the help of a licensed counselor or mentor, for that extra support and clarity). Affirm your love to the honor for yourself and the purity of a relationship and bring up your unwillingness to participate in its defilement.

3. Prayer and personal boundaries in marriage

I had never been more prayed-up and self-aware than when my husband and I sat down to talk boundaries. I was painfully aware of how much we both needed God.

I was humbled to the place I was willing to do my part, as a start. See this post Persevering in Marriage Through Difficult Seasons.

As you create firm boundaries with your spouse, talk to God. Ask for insight, clarity and comfort.

As you receive His comfort and as you work towards peace and connection, you might eventually start to notice your own areas of growth too. Be ready to also develop the pliability you wish to see in your husband. Remember growth and pliability is valuing your own safety and wellness as well.

4. Marriage boundaries are unpleasant, often painful.

When you consider everything else I’ve said in this post, particularly #2, you see how drawing and walking out boundaries is an uncomfortable experience for both spouses.

Walking out our boundaries was harder than running after my husband. I wanted to talk talk talk but had to learn to zip up, pray and do my part. I had to learn balance.

And of course, if you’re in an overall healthy marriage, the hardest part about boundaries might be the fact that the rest of your marriage continues. Just because you have a limit in one area of marriage doesn’t mean the rest of your marriage stops functioning.

If you’re in a destructive marriage, the rest of your marriage might need to stop functioning for the sake of your well-being and safety. For example, some of your boundaries might include moving out of your house temporarily or limiting interactions unless you initiate it, etc. A licensed therapist should be able to guide you with exact steps.

For over-all healthy couples and as far as possible, you seek to live in peace with your husband even as you work on the part of the relationship in need of growth. (Romans 12:8) No denial or suppressing or by-passing issues. Just a mature awareness and exploration of what is appropriate or helpful for the season you are in.

5. Boundaries have a purpose

The reason some couples struggle with the idea of boundaries in marriage is because they see limits as the end, not the facilitator.

But the purpose of marriage boundaries is understand where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries are a vehicle to get a marriage to a healthier place.

Boundaries can help define habits and behavior when we can’t define them for ourselves. They bring peace to the spouse who has to bear the brunt of negative habits and attitudes.

They create room, so the struggling spouse has clear-er vision. Boundaries force us to walk in tough love when we’d rather hide, or do our thing.

Other things to consider;

 – Communication style. You can have a godly idea but kill it with execution. For example, telling your overall empathetic and good-willed husband “God told me to draw boundaries with you” might add more heat to a squabble. I’m not saying couples should not have direct communication, no. I’m suggesting sensitivity and wisdom in how we communicate.

When my husband and I had our conversation, the word “boundary” never featured in our discussion. So think about the end goal – to grow your healthy marriage, which will involve individual growth Leave out what might shoot down the goal. (The goal for a destructive marriage might be different.)

– Not all habits call for boundaries. Some habits call for our own growth, not our spouses’. Say, you’re in a healthy marriage and your husband doesn’t like to cook. You’ve talked about it. He tries really hard and does His part. But no matter what, it seems like you’re the more dedicated cook. So much so that he prefers to buy take-out when its his turn to cook. So perhaps you need embrace the idea that for this season, you’ll be doing more cooking than you envisioned. Or embrace take-out/eating out.

– Involve a mentor. Drawing boundaries with a spouse is a delicate subject. It’s a good idea, if you are unsure, to involve a safe mentor or licensed counselor.

Today’s post is not an exhaustive list, but I hope it gets you thinking about how to steer your marriage to a healthier place. If you are facing chronic marriage issues e.g abuse, infidelity, abandonment, criminal behavior, please check out the following resources/websites for help.

Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns

Systems of Abuse  (aff link) by abuse and trauma recovery coach Sarah McDugal, outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Access Now.

• Helpful Info For Toxic, Abusive or Difficult Marriages: If you suspect your spouse is toxic, abusive or chronically problematic, if they are engaged in unrepentant sin (repentance comes with fruit!) please get to a safe place and talk to a licensed counselor who is trained in relationship abuse and trauma. Please talk to someone safe. You are loved. Check out these posts for more information. If you’re in danger, call an emergency hotline in your country. Canada: 800.799.SAFE (7233). United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673). United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111. Australia: 1800 015 188. New Zealand: 0800 456 450. Kenya: 0-800-720-072. Nigeria: 0800 033 3333. South Africa: 0800 428 428.

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