Why Change Without Lasting Fruit Shouldn’t Be Acceptable in Marriage (The Truth Hurting Spouses Deserve to Know)

Last week on Facebook, I wrote about how “change” without lasting fruit isn’t really change.

I suggested those impacted by hurtful behavior shouldn’t be asked to settle for “change” that is not accompanied by real-life transformation of character that shows up in daily interactions.

Many evangelical and other conservative faith spaces elevate a “love” that overlooks character. 

Mere affiliation with certain beliefs and communities is a primary driver of how people interact with you. Your actual person doesn’t always matter. 

In other words, the words you say matter more than your actions and there’s plenty of wriggle room regarding health of character and behavior. 

In these faith spaces, you can do the opposite of what you say you believe (overtly or covertly), and it will not cause a ripple in your ocean of belonging. 

You can mistreat, betray, and hurt as a lifestyle, and nobody will squawk about your two-facedness. Because in these spaces, the “love” practiced doesn’t see accountability as a form of love.

When I shared the Facebook post, most people agreed with the assessment that nobody should be expected to settle for change without some evidence. 

But as it happens sometimes, one commenter was of the opinion that the OP was “a slippery slope.” “That’s a slippery slope, I think. If one is making improvements but it’s “never enough” or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly hurtful to the person making improvements.”

I replied to the comment but decided to add more thoughts and turn it into a blog post because victims and survivors of chronically hurting relationships and systems deserve clarity and affirmation. 

Change Without Lasting Improvement Shouldn’t Be Acceptable in Marriage: The Post

Here’s what I wrote on Facebook post (Image and caption) and the comment:

(PSA . Christ-centered isn’t words only. It’s fruit. Lasting fruit. So saying, “But I’m working on it,” without EVER producing LASTING fruit doesn’t count. “I’m working on it” while “it” still hurts and devastates is not something a partner on the receiving end of hurting behavior should be expected to work with.” Because sometimes the bar is so low, the “wriggle” room so large, and the coddling so deep that the Christian marriage looks like where decency goes to expire.”)

I had the words “ever” and “lasting” in caps to emphasize the backdrop. 

I know personal growth and change can be slow and messy. I know inner transformation and recovery that results in a thorough character transformation and habits do not occur overnight. 

So I hit those caps. But they were missed. “That’s a slippery slope I think. If one is making improvements but it’s “never enough” or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly hurtful to the person making improvements”

I do actually agree with part of the comment that says, “If one is making improvements but it’s “never enough” or recognized, that’s also wrong and terribly hurtful to the person making improvements.”

But “making improvements, but it’s “never enough” or recognized” wasn’t my context in the OP.

And so I wrote this post not to harp on someone who may have been well-intentioned but to stand with those who are, or who have been, in chronically hurting systems and relationships who have to deal with out-of-context corrections and warnings when they voice the truth of their experiences.

I’m writing this to those whose hearts and intentions are often reworded (sometimes by well-intentioned people) to mean what they didn’t mean. I’m writing to those whose real problems are tossed out or minimized, and they find themselves defending and explaining entirely new conversations. 

You absolutely deserve better. The tendency to fix the wrong problem (partner) is a pet occupation for many Christians, and you deserve better. 

You deserve a healthy compassionate witnesses who are anchored on truth and empathy. You do not deserve exhausting circular talk. 

Change Without Lasting Improvement Shouldn’t Be Acceptable in Marriage: The Response

Here’s what I wrote in reply to the comment on Facebook (slightly edited for clarity.)

“To continue hurting and devastating your partner, to never to produce lasting fruit and to expect that standard to be acceptable to a partner: I think that’s unfair and often what’s wrong with a lot of “Christian marriage advice.”

Unhealthy Christian marriage advice asks one person to be forever responsible, to be the “big” person in the relationship...and gives *the actual problem person* lots of room and flexibility. We have more expectations of the hurting partner than the person causing the hurt.

When the metric isn’t lasting fruit but promises (with zero lasting fruit), that’s a big problem. As far as the OP is concerned, the problematic person making lasting improvements was not in my context.”

Sarah McDugal, an author and coach who empowers women to thrive after trauma, shared something powerful this week.

She wrote: “Repentance is a whole mood, not just the absence of murdering your marriage today. A person who isn’t taking responsibility, showing humility, picking up their part of the teamwork without complaint or looking for accolades, showing patience and kindness — isn’t in recovery. They may not be watching porn right now, but they’re not sober or repentant.”

Marriage That Works: Recovery

I’m not a recovery professional (Sarah is!) My point is that people need to know they can expect more from their partner/community.

People need to know they don’t have to settle for perpetual no-fruit as some holy cross to bear. Everyone needs to be resourced to evaluate the impacts of chronic stress or trauma on their bodies and lives and to know doing so is not failing in faith or relationships.

I’m no recovery expert, but I imagine a recovery path strewn with unrelenting hurting patterns (zero lasting improvements on any level) is no recovery path.

“Change” without lasting fruit isn’t really change and everyone impacted by corrosive connections deserves to know the truth.

Question: Change Without Lasting Improvement in Marriage: What did you think? What can you add? Let’s chat in the comments. 

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Are you tired of religious refrains being used to justify your hurting reality? 

Sometimes, the problem in marriage is that one person is being encouraged to spiritualize issues while the other is allowed to keep their irresponsible, non-Christian lens. Christian values were never supposed to cause or perpetuate harm in relationships. You deserve more. Courage Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is for women who are tired of harmful theology and bad marriage advice. You deserve more. Order Courage book Amazon I PDF