The game of comparison has brought many marriages to their knees.
From a newly wed wife who’s terrified because her relationship isn’t so together as that of a more seasoned couple.
To the husband who takes out a car loan to keep up with the family across the street.
The Guise
The thing about comparison is that it can come under the guise of intentional growth and improvement.
When we moved to the States from Africa two years ago, I quickly discovered that many Americans are not necessarily shy people.
Coming from a conservative African culture, I marveled at the public displays of emotion and words.
And for a while I was content to live my own life.
But it wasn’t long before I started to wonder why my own marriage wasn’t as fuzzy and showy.
And being the one who likes to be romanced, I quietly assigned that responsibility to my beloved.
Maybe you are like me.
You wade through tonnes of marriage advice, listen to mentors, read great books and watch other couples.
And slowly begin to feel as though your own marriage is falling short in some way.
Not because it is.
But because you see all these great “opportunities” for improvement.
All the good tips and thoughts begging to be implemented in your marriage.
And because you keep staring at the green grass over at the Jonese’s, you completely forget to appreciate what you already have.
Keeping balance
But one thing we must remember, even as we pursue growth in our relationship is that all couples and marriages are unique.
What works wonderfully for another couple might not work for you.
Trying to import into your marriage what works for another couple, without appreciating your unique background, upbringing, life experiences, goals and dreams can leave you very frustrated (not to mention with a very irritated spouse)
Not that you can’t learn and grow and become better. But you must sift advice and apply it within context.
When it comes to finding out what works for my marriage, the following tips have been helpful
1. Find out what works
Just because you can’t implement every thought doesn’t mean that you should throw out the baby with the bath waters.
Continue to be intentional about the growth of your marriage.
That means discovering new things through reading, observing, listening, communication e.t.c.
You won’t find what works for you if you don’t go looking for it.
2. Apply what works.
It’s one thing to read something helpful, quite another to know how to apply it in your own marriage, if at all.
I believe that’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom.
As you discover new information, try and consider the principle behind the thought. You might like the advice but you might not be able to apply it exactly the same way.
Other times it might be great advice but you can’t implement it right away.
And other times you like it but you know it’s not for your marriage.
Question – How do you deal with comparison in your marriage? Please share in Comments
Rhiannon, you’ve brought another perspective I hadn’t thought about when i was writing this post, thank you for sharing it. I hear you, it’s so easy to get caught up. I remember the feelings I had when many of my friends walked down the aisle or got engaged. I wasn’t at my best! I’d love to read your thoughts on this, able to share the link ?
(you could also update your Disqus profile – to include a link to your blog, that would also be helpful to help others find you!)
I just blogged about this myself. I learn so much about relationships and I rarely apply it. Mostly because it seems like so much information. It’s true also that one thing doesn’t work for everyone.
One area I keep getting caught up in with the comparison game is actually marriage. My “friend” and I have been together for almost two years and there aren’t plans to get married yet. I compare us to others that I know that were engaged and married within two years of meeting and it makes me miserable. Whenever I compare us to anyone else it invariably causes pain for both of us.
That’s true Rick! It’s funny what happens when we engage and get busy living our revelations! Thanks for that great perspective 🙂
Oh I have played the comparison game before…only hurts a marriage. My husband and I are in a different phrase of our 49 years. My husband and I don’t work too hard at trying to change each other anymore. We both have settled into our own skin as they say so that helps. Being thankful is what helps me more then anything, being thankful I still have a husband, so many of my friends have lost theirs. Being thankful we stayed together through the tough times. Great post Ngina…as always you put truth in such an orderly way it always makes sense. Blessings.
Betty I have just finished reading “when Sinners say i do” by Dave Harvey and your comment on gratefulness reminds me of the last chapter “when sinners say goodbye”. You have a great and unique perspective on this Betty, as you have walked the road for a while. We all have so much to learn and am so blessed by your thoughts and contribution here. I glean so much each time you share.
Negative comparison is always such a trap, Ngina. I used to do this more in the early days of my marriage but quickly realized that I couldn’t compare the outside of someone else’s marriage to the inside of mine! I love your last point too. Not everything works, but wisdom is how we can know the difference between what to use and what to pass up. Great insight! Thanks for sharing another uplifting word, my friend.
I love what you’ve said about comparing someone else’s outside to your inside! never heard such a great description of comparison!
I think it’s a journey most people have to take, learning to appreciate what they have even as they grow. Thanks so much for sharing.
Boy did I need to hear this! Great advice!
Glad it helped Margo 🙂 We all need to hear this (and i lead the pack!)
I love these words here: “Trying to import into your marriage what works for another couple, without appreciating your unique background, upbringing, life experiences, goals and dreams can leave you very frustrated (not to mention with a very irritated spouse).” What wise advice. 🙂 I think part of the problem of comparison comes from our media-saturated culture. It’s much the same with parenting. You have to find a balance and a style that works for your family. I’m visiting you from Titus 2sdays. 🙂
Amen Jen, it’s about finding that balance. It’s not always easy but it’s something we must all learn and keep working on. Thank you so much for dropping in and sharing.
Ngina, this is an excellent post. This is one of the things my and wife and instruct in our premarital class. We tell the couples that they can’t live their marriage like their parents or friends. We tell them that it is their marriage and do what works for them.
Bernard, that’s exactly what our mentors told us – that it’s our marriage, not our parents or friends or relatives. And that we had God to help us. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
Haha, I love what you said here, Ngina: “And being the one who likes to be romanced, I quietly assigned that responsibility to my beloved.” So funny. I think that’s what a lot of us women do. It’s a recipe for discontentment – a recipe that would get poor reviews on allrecipes.com. (I tried this and it didn’t work at all like the book said it would. My husband would not cooperate. Next time I’ll try it this way …).
Here’s a couple of interesting things I’ve learned about marriage: my husband looks a lot better when I compare him to other men than when I compare him to other woman. (Not saying I should compare, but if I’m going to do it I might as well at least give him the courtesy of comparing him to members of his own sex – and he usually comes out pretty good in that comparison!)
The other thing I learned is that I’m no good at judging what’s going on in other people’s marriages. Several of the marriages I’ve looked at over the years and thought, “Wow, they have a great marriage” have ended up in divorce. So I’m thinking I’m better off not comparing!
You’ve lit up my evening (more like morning!) with laughter Barb. I had to click through the link and as i checked out the page it was quite funny imagining the details of a ‘marriage recipe’ gone wrong!
Love what you’ve said – it reminds me of ‘reverse comparison’, if we must compare, go in intending to win! The best thing is not to compare at all but if our mind wanders/wonders, just cultivate a habit of seeing things from the winning perspective. 🙂
It’s dangerous to compare marriages (or kids- as I’m learning). It leads to dissatisfaction in what we have. It’s one of satan’s greatest tricks- it robs us of our joy and contentment. It makes us envy, fret and so on.
So glad you’re posting on such an important topic! God bless and keep up the good work.
TC, you hit the nail on the head.
I haven’t reached the kids level yet TC. but i see how dangerous that is! (so good for me to learn early! 🙂 ) You are so right, nothing robs us of our joy and peace and contentment that thinking on dwelling on what others have. Thank you for sharing.
When the kid time comes, you will have a whole new area to blog about 🙂
You’ll be a great mom…when the time’s right!
I hear you ! 🙂
I love dealing with older folks because they are real. They tell you their successes AND their failures. Because of that I don’t compare my marriage. We all successes and we all have struggles 🙂
True Mike, we all got both sides. And older folks have the gift of hindsight too 🙂
Good common sense advice, Ngina. We are all unique as well. I think many women and men do the “comparison” game. Some is good with the right perspective, a little is worse with a wrong perspective. It’s a fine line to be sure. I’ve found that changing the little things about my instinct is helpful… it’s always about giving isn’t it? How much is the tough part… Got me thinking as usual! Thanks!
I like that statement Floyd “some is good with the right perspective, a little is worse with a wrong perspective.” It’s a fine line!
I agree, comparison can really kill a marriage. I think when we compare what we are really doing is breaking the the 10th commandment “Do not covet” I think putting it in those terms helps me to realize that I should never compare my wife to another who I think is better for some reason. Another factor that we don’t always realize when we compare is that the person who we think is “better” may not really be better at all. It’s easy to think that someone has a better spouse than you from far off but when you have to live with that person then you will be intimately familiar with all their imperfections.
What you’ve said is so true Caleb, we don’t always realize how much of a sin comparison is.
And it’s easy to forget that we are all human beings! as you’ve noted, nothing surfaces our finer points than living with another person ..then all the imperfections as clear as daylight. Thank you these additions.