When I was single, I didn’t know what to think about marriage sometimes.
Not that I lacked godly counsel. I had many married friends.
When I got married, I realized that society and pop culture spreads far more misconceptions and outright lies about marriage than it does truth.
I am still learning but I’ve discovered a few giant balloons that need to be popped.
Marriage misconceptions that tick me off.
1. Allowing the man to lead is backward and dangerous.
As a single person, I had raging conflict about submission in marriage.
God later told me that I needed to marry “one who dreams my dream”. It’d be easier to follow such a man.
Popular culture has a problem with the word “follow”.
It teaches that to be really important, to be valuable and top-dog, you must be infront – calling the shots, running the show, being independent, muscling through life and relationship. Being anything but submissive.
Some men have swallowed the lie. Instead of taking up their godly mandate, they’ve slinked off to passivity.
Tolu Llesanmi says
“Don’t help your wife do the dishes, let your wife help you do the dishes. Don’t help your wife change diapers, let your wife help you change diapers. She is your helper, you are not her helper.”
(Am an ‘acts of service‘ kind of girl, so you know I love his perspective!)
Allowing the man to lead is not backward.
It’s smart.
God, the author of marriage, wired men and women differently.
He gave them different roles and responsibilities. For every function, He gave a disposition. Agreeing with God is the smartest thing you can do for yourself and your relationship.
2. Submission is for wimps
Inspite of what society says and how I used to feel, I’ve discovered some wonderful things about submission.
It’s not wimpy.
– It’s about function, not value – again, someone’s gotta lead. You can’t have two heads.
– It doesn’t mean the absence of a will. It’s about the yielding of one.
– It begins with the heart and flows to action.
– It’s a trust thing – you trust the Higher Power who brought you together.
– It’s a powerful and influential position. Try moving your head without the support of your neck.
3. Marriage should make you happy.
As a single girl, I had no intention of getting my happiness from a man. But when I got married, I discovered I did!
And society said that if he wasn’t making me happy, then he had a problem!
Guess how many people are still waiting for their spouses to make them happy?
It’s sad really. We have stopped being responsible and have placed heavy burdens on our spouses. And society cheers us on.
Guess what, we are responsible for our own dose of happiness and joy.
Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.
It’s something we cultivate from the within and it comes from a having a growing relationship with God.
4. The first year(s) of marriage is heaven.
I swallowed this misconception hook line and sinker. My first year was far from perfect.
Society said “If your first year(s) is not heavenly, there’s something wrong with you/you are doomed”
Truth is, some people will have glossy mushy early years.
People need to know that just because they fight and argue and feel like they made the biggest mistake of their lives about the third day after the wedding, they are not doomed to a life of misery. There is hope. They are normal.
Young couples need to know that you don’t have to start off from the moon. You are firmly on earth. And that’s okay.
5. Marriage is easy
As a single, I didn’t want to hear that marriage is hard. My favorite line was “marriage is the same as having a relationship with Jesus. It’s not easy, but it’s possible”.
I forgot that Jesus is God and a husband is human.
Our society loves the easier, quicker, faster route. We are quite sloppy when it comes to doing the hard stuff.
Marriage is not easy. It has it’s seasons. It’s rewarding. It’s beautiful. It’s mindblowing. It’s all that. But you make it that. It does not happen by itself. You work it.
Question – Have you encountered any marriage misconceptions? Please share in the Comments.
Linked up with NBOH, New life steward, To love honor and vacuum
It’s just a piece of paper…How do you respond to that?
Marriage is God’s idea (Genesis 2:21-25), the joining of two hearts and lives to become one, representative of the relationship that Christ has with His bride the church. Hebrews 13:4a says “Let
marriage be held in honor among all….”
Marriage is not something we should rush into or get into irreverently. We walk into it with soberness and wisdom and counsel. Otherwise, it might one of the reasons people end up with a “it’s a piece of paper” idea, because they did not understand/or cared for the real meaning of a marriage union and covenant from the beginning.
Awesome wisdom you draw from Scriptures and experience! It kinda goes with this article Aggressive Wives and Passive Husbands, giving a Scriptural perspective on how to handle the difference in personality.
On the last point though, I’ll say that marriage is shown in Scriptures as a model to reveal Christ’s love for the church. If parties in marriage can understand their roles in light of Christ and the Church, marriage will be easy(ier)
I’ll check out the article Moyo, glad to have you here. I agree with you,marriage does reveal the kind of relationship and love that Christ has with his bride the church. Nonetheless, i believe that for many married people, it’s a standard they are aiming for – they have not reached there yet. It’s a journey, and that’s where the work comes in. It’s true that as we learn to do marriage His way, it gets easier.
This post says it so well Ngina.
I’ve come to the same realisation that ‘society and pop culture spreads far more misconceptions and outright lies about marriage than it does truth.’
The misconceptions you listed tick me off too because they rip people off from all the fulness of what a godly marriage can be like!! It’s so much better than pop-culture tries to tell us.
Thanks for an inspiring post – I hope you have an awesome day!
Thank you Rich, glad the post resonated! Thanks so much for stopping by.
“…you don’t have to start off from the moon. You are firmly on earth” Hahaha, really funny line there Ngina. These misconceptions are right to a T.
I am glad to have such real people in my life. I also have attended bridal showers where married ladies have shared their lives. The first years I have accepted are not heaven at all. Your point just cements that!
You are not far from the truth about the misconceptions about marriage out there. The most that irritates me is when those advising others about their issues are not married at all, and bluntly say they don’t intend to wade in those murky waters soon. Will be looking forward to your book – it’s needed! Some fresh breathe of truth from someone who gets their information from the Marriage Manual (Bible). Much love Ngina. Thanks for this community as well!
I see we share the same pet peeve Jep! “Advisors’ who have no qualifications and have no intention of getting some..but they can’t stop dishing out counsel. Now that am married one of my biggest irritation is singles who nitpick and look for advice in all the wrong places (and you know there’s no shortage of wrong marriage advice) and are permanently stuck on shortwave.. i.e they will not accept any positivity.
I know many singles have been hurt and it’s easier to continue in negative cycles. Just that i think everyone owes it to themselves to search for good information, not just what tickles their itching ear (and hurting heart)
‘nuf rumbling! lol
Thank you so much. Love being part of your community too. Maybe one of these days we can put together a conference in +254!
Hahaha Ngina. Your passion is great, I love it!
At the point where rumbling stops 🙂 we just realize something has to change. We shall be the change we want to see in this – your idea of a conference is very welcome. +254 would find real advisors with the right perspective useful.
Amen 🙂
Amazing words and list, Ngina! You’ve gained so much wisdom through your years of marriage and I’m so glad you’re passing it along to the rest of us! Thanks so much, my friend!
Thank you Beth 🙂
This is excellent! I’m sure I had misconceptions of marriage but after 37 years I can’t remember them. ha!
Lol, time is so kind to the memory! :). I can’t wait to get there!
GREAT thoughts Ngina. I noticed much of the same in my 2 years of marriage. There’s almost 2 worlds of marriage: the one the world thinks exists, and the one God intended to exist. Choosing the latter is so much sweeter.
I agree with you Grayson! Doing things God’s way is so much sweeter and so much more rewarding! I don’t know why we don’t get it right off the bat. It’s like we have to dip our feet into the bad waters of ‘world view’. before we get burned and go looking for God. Am glad He’s ever loving and forgiving 🙂
It’s on the job training and learning. When I got married I was 24 and now 13 years later we have learned so many things. We did everything wrong in marriage, or should I say I did. We learned from our mistakes and made adjustments. It has t been easy which I think is the biggest misconception. Great post.
“we did everything wrong, or should i say i did” I am glad you see the the three fingers pointing back at you if you point one towards her ..lol :). I don’t always see that myself. But am learning. I also like your observation after 13 years of marriage – it’s on job training and learning. great perspective.
Great post, Ngina. I was pretty much clueless when I got married 🙂
I think the biggest misconception I had was wanting (what I thought) was a “normal” marriage. But then it occured to me shortly after my wife and I got married that there is no such thing as a “normal” marriage. And if you are attempting to do marriage God’s way it will always be abnormal (especially according to the world). Gary Thomas’ book, “Sacred Marriage” really helped me. The idea of the book is that God created marriage for our holiness and not necessairly for our happiness. God bless!
Dave, that’s a great perspective. What a great revelation God gave you. I think that was part of my problem as well when i got married. I thought I knew what normal was (which was mainly how other people did marriage). Doesn’t take long to realize that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist, does it. And the only way to learn how to do it well is to fall into the arms of God and have Him teach you.
Sacred Marriage is in my to-read list. It sounds like a great book.
Great misconceptions. Single people who think marriage is easy will have a chocking reality check when they get married. It takes work and effort to have and maintain a good and healthy marriage.
Dan, is that a typo or you did mean ‘chocking’ …lol. It’s an apt description! i think we stop gagging once we let go of old thinking and accept new realities 🙂
HAHA, yes that was a typo, I meant shocking:) But I guess both words would work.
i think they do 🙂
Have you read Gary Thomas’s “Sacred Marriage”? I find it really resonates with a lot of the same points you’ve made. Marriage is not easy, and it’s not about just making us happy. In fact, Thomas’s main point is that marriage is a tool God uses to make us holy, not happy.
Loren, I haven’t read the book. I’ve heard great things about it and it’s in my to-read list. I believe that revelation – that marriage is a tool God uses to make us holy, not happy – would make the difference in many relationships.
These are all such good points, Ngina. I think you should write a book on marriage. My husband and I had a very rocky first year of marriage – if I’d considered divorce as an option, I would have gotten one! I’m so thankful I didn’t, because I would have missed out on all the riches God had in store for through our marriage – many of them in the area of growth in my relationship with Him.
Next week we’re skiing into a Forest Service ski hut to celebrate our 30th anniversary with three of our four kids. It’s good to enjoy each other and not feel like the other person has to measure up to our expectations so we can be happy.
Happy 30th Barb! Wow, I feel little and young! (and we are! – in our fifth year now).
I have a complete manuscript, would you believe. Completed it late last year and still tweaking it to date :). Hopefully the publishing process will be quicker 🙂
Just like you, divorce was not an option. We didn’t allow ourselves to say the word. I think if we gave ourselves less options in life, we’d really grow and overcome much.
again, congratulations to you and hubby and have an awesome time next week.
Wow, that’s so great, Ngina. It seems like most of the marriage books out there are by men – I’d love to see a book by a woman. Plus I think you have really wise insights. I want that book!
Thank you Barb for your kind words. it’s been a slow process…trusting God with my priorities. Trusting it will come out in not too long.
I had a hard time with being submissive. In fact, I used to cringe when I read scripture related to it. So I prayed about it and God has shown me the beauty of His plan. It really is contrary to how our society operates, but there is liberty and peace found in following God’s design. It was a tough lesson to learn, in fact, I’m still learning it. I like to be in control, but it’s not nearly as rewarding as following God’s way.
Being submissive doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or that I’m of lesser value. That was hard for me to swallow at first…only with God’s help was I able to view marriage how it was intended.
‘liberty and peace in following God’s design’ – I have found that to be the most liberating and peaceful way to do marriage too TC. it’s not easy to get there for those of us that are strong-willed. It takes revelation and His grace. And once there, we (at least I) wonder why i fought it so much :). It’s a process still, but what I love is that it’s upward progress..am not where i used to be. And that’s a blessed thing!
Amen! I’m so glad I’m making progress in the right direction. I too wonder why it took me so long to realize it…but I guess I was just blinded by my own pride and self reliant attitude.
Great balloons to pop. I’m not sure how we came to believe that someone else was responsible for our happiness. It’s just not logical. Neither is the misconception that people carry into relationships that assume the other person knows exactly how the feel and what they need without communicating it. They kind of go hand in hand. Great thoughts!
Floyd, that’s another misconception – we can’t read each others minds!I think, and just as you mentioned in a previous comment, that society (media, entertainment, pop culture) tells people these things. Many people aren’t willing to dig out the truth for themselves. So they choose the easier path, feelings-driven instead of values driven.
I can relate very well to this article. My wife and I are on the same team. I lead the team, and she is my partner. I also get the love language of service. That’s a big one for Shannon. It is a great principle to improve the love life
Todd, so glad that you and Shannon are living out this truth. Many couples struggle and it’s awesome that you living it out.
We so live it out. Yesterday, after church, I cleaned the carpets in the house. The dog made a horrible mess (very unusual), and it was really upsetting to the bride. I rented a carpet cleaner from Home Depot, and cleaned away. After about 1.5, she asked me to show her how to use it. We finished together.
My goal in this next comment isn’t to be crude, but to make a point.
If you speak your partner’s love language, “red hot monogamy” is easy to get to.
I hope Shannon is an ‘acts of service’ person! That’s a huge blessing.