Why Being a Good Wife Won’t Fix a Bad Husband

Can being a good wife fix a bad husband?

A woman shared the advice her pastor gave her when she confided about abuse in her marriage:

“Women have ways of getting a man to do whatever they want, and so a rebellious husband is the fruit of a disobedient wife.”

Ridiculous, I know.

Unfortunately, I once believed the first part of that statement. I believed women had tremendous influence in their marriages.

And I know I am not alone. It might sound crazy to well-meaning Christians but track with me for a sec.

Part 1 of that statement (“Women have ways of getting a man to do whatever they want,…”) QUICKLY leads to part 2 (“…and so a rebellious husband is the fruit of a disobedient wife.”)

The complete statement is running on a single track.

If you believe the first part, even if you don’t actively believe the second part, there’s a covert operation going on at the back of your mind when a woman tells you about the suffering she’s experiencing in marriage.

Because you believe wives have this extraordinary superpower, you find yourself trying to get a woman to explore what else she can do, even when she’s up against the wall, responsibility-wise.

Even if you don’t voice your words, there’s still a record playing in your mind that there’s something else she can do to save the relationship.

And it may be easily based on this thinking: “Women have ways of getting a man to do whatever they want, and so a rebellious husband is the fruit of a disobedient wife.”

Good Wife Fix Her Bad Husband?

If I can get my husband to do whatever I want, it means I control his belief system and resulting behaviors. When those beliefs and behaviors affect me negatively, it’s because I, as his wife, didn’t mold him into something better.

Thus I deserve everything he might toss at me because he’s really unable to be anything but what I have made him.

Now, I agree that healthy spouses can influence each other in positive ways. We want to do nice things for someone we love who loves us back.

That’s how most healthy relationships operate anyway: they pull out some delightful things and encourage us to be better human beings.

However, even then, individuals (hopefully) still recognize they are one hundred percent responsible for their own lives and choices.

Bottom line.

Men are one hundred percent capable of being decent human beings all by themselves. They don’t need women’s help in that.

Let’s fix that “advice” from the pastor.

“Women don’t have ways of getting men to do whatever they want. So you are neither the cause nor the cure of the fruit of rebellion in your husband. He is entirely responsible for his own life and choices. You deserve to live in peace and safety. You deserve respect, honor, and love. As your pastor, I’m here to support you in every way possible. As a church, we (talk about whatever process and protocol they have in place for domestic/intimate partner abuse…”)

Women can’t “good wife” their way to safety. It’s a husband’s job, and his alone, to do the work of becoming a safe, maturing, healthy human being.

“..but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:14-15″

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

You Can’t Fix a Bad Marriage by Yourself

Sometimes, the problem in Christian marriages is that one person is encouraged to have a “team mindset” while the other is allowed to carry on, unconfronted about their self-centeredness.  Sometimes, the problem is that one partner absorbs all the responsibilities of relating while the other “enjoys” the benefits. The gap between what happens to us in relationships and how we are taught to respond is why I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for Hurting Soul book. You deserve better. Order “Courage” book Amazon I PDF

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