Intentional: Def – Done on purpose; deliberate.(adj)
Synonyms deliberate – willful – purposeful – intended
Every married person walks into marriage carrying a lot of expectations and dreams.
But all too soon and on top of discovering the extent of their own humanity, they also discover they married another human being.
As the reality calls out, the challenge lies in what we do with it, how we allow it to shape our thinking, actions and habits.
Because so often, our attitude determines the health of our marriage from that point on.
Loving the choice you made.
In his book Secrets Men Keep, Stephen Arterburn says
“..unfortunately, we live in a culture that has one of its many mantras “if it feels good, do it!” The converse of that philosophy is obviously “if it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it!”
We have put such a premium on feeling good that we have neglected the time-tested truth, in the long term, feeling good is always a result of doing good. And doing good involves the will, that steady sentry that stands silent guard over a man’s moral matrix.”
I am convinced that “having it good” in marriage comes from being deliberate, purposeful, willful in our thoughts, actions and habits.
It comes from being intentional in living out God’s blue print for marriage.
Thoughts on being intentional in marriage
1. God never gives us what we deserve
We won’t pursue (our spouse) intentionally if we keep a “tit for tat” mindset.
God wants us to love lavishly, the same way He’s loved us.
That kind of love is not dependent on feelings. It’s purposeful and deliberate.
2. Intentionality costs
Intentionality looks beyond temporary discomfort.
It embraces the cost of the journey because the end result is precious.
We may not like dying to self but we walk in the understanding that a thriving marriage is counter cultural and counter flesh.
3. Your happiness is your responsibility.
We set ourselves up for a mighty dreary time in marriage when we hang our ability to be happy on our spouse’s ability to change.
An intentional mindset understands that happiness is a personal choice.
It’s not even something God can be or do on our behalf. We have to make up our mind to be happy.
4. You must love the choice you made
Our premarital counselor used to tell us that a person might have been an “imperfect match” before the wedding.
But once the vows were taken, they became the “perfect choice”.
His point? It didn’t matter what happened (or didn’t happen) before the marriage vows.
Once married, people have to make up their mind to love the choice they made.
Yanking that rear view mirror goes along way in helping a marriage thrive.
5. God won’t do marriage on your behalf
An intentional mindset understands that God doesn’t do marriage on our behalf.
For example, many people are peace keepers, not necessarily peace makers.
There some things we chalk up to “God’s will” or “it is what it is” mindset.
But the truth is that we stopped pushing for solutions and making a demand on His promise.
Being purposeful in the relationship means walking the extra mile, filled with a burning hope for greater days.
No easy answers
I know that there are no simplistic answers to marital challenges or one-size fits all answer for “how to do marriage”.
If there were, we would not need God.
I believe however that when we approach marriage with an “intentional” mindset, when we push beyond selfish desires and activate our will to do good in our marriage, we can experience amazing relationships.
Question – What are your thoughts on being intentional in marriage? Please share your thoughts in Comments.
Love your blog. Added it to my favorites. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. http://choosetotrust.com/2013/04/friendship/
Thanks Scott, glad the blog is helpful.
I love your thoughts here, Ngina. For me, being intentional in my marriage is choosing wisely and loving unconditionally daily. I choose to be intentional with my thoughts – to carefully meditate and dwell on lovely, good, kind, praiseworthy things about my husband instead of thinking about all the ways he has let me down or how he could’ve done x, y, z better. I choose to be intentional with my emotions – striving to control my negative feelings and expressing them in a healthy way and to be free-flowing with my love. I choose to be intentional in my words – striving to speak kindly, admirably, and respectfully to my husband. I choose to be intentional in my actions – striving to act honorably, properly, and lovingly. I choose to intentionally communicate to him regularly and to intentionally spend quality time together, even if that means sacrificing “me” time or something else.
Hannah, huge wealth of wisdom in your comment! I love everything you’ve shared but this stands out “being intentional in my marriage is choosing wisely and loving unconditionally daily”. Wisely, unconditionally, daily – great practical steps! Thanks so much for sharing these wonderful thoughts.
Oooh, I love that Stephen Arterburn quote, as well as your wealth of insights here, Ngina. I’m nodding my head on each point you make. I totally agree and really resonate with your heartbeat in this post. It’s one that I “feel” very strongly about (although my feelings are NOT what I’m relying on in my marriage!) haha! Great thoughts, my friend! And thanks for linking up and encouraging Heather over at my place. 🙂
Beth I agree that practicing these thoughts is not easy! I guess if it were we wouldn’t need to be intentional at all! 🙂
I loved that thought by Arterburn too, great insight! it was a pleasure,, thanks so much for hosting yet another great linkup. Heather’s story was such a blessing.
(In case reading this want’s to read it, here’s the link to Heather’s story http://www.messymarriage.com/2013/03/a-painful-year-of-changes.html )
I agree! I have a daily goal of making my husband laugh, even if it means I must be outrageously silly! I know he feels good when he is laughing and his laughter lifts my heart. We both set ground rules for our marriage before we were married and a lot of those were God based (one is always tell the truth). Most people assume that is an understood rule but we “put it in stone”.
That’s so awesome Heather! I like what you about his laughter lifting your heart. My husbands laughter does too. So great of you to be intentional about drawing it out! Those are great rules and boundaries to lay down, they go a long way. Blessings, my friend and thanks for adding to the conversation
Intentional actions in marriage can make or break it. If you are not Intentional with whatever you do in marriage. If you are not intentional with the words you speak, the actions you take and the people you allow into your lives you can be detrimental to intentional behaviour. Like you said, you much love the choice you made. Great post.
Lincoln I like your thoughts. We don’t always realize that our words, thoughts and surroundings can affect our intentions. We need to surround ourselves with things that encourage us towards living our our intentions. Thanks for that insight
I agree so much, Ngina. It does take intentionality – and lots of it! One of things my wife & I do is to try to really carve out time to spend together talking/listening. If we don’t do this for a couple of days, life becomes grey. It’s so important to be intentional in spending time nourishing
our marriages.
Thanks for that point Dave, being intentional about spending time together is so important.
Marriage is all about being intentional. I really like the word “intentional” because it’s such an important aspect to living a significant and fulfilled life. Thanks for writing another great post!
I really enjoyed Chris Peek’s guest post on your blog yesterday about Living Intentionally. I agree, intentionality is such an important aspect to success and significance. We’d go so further in life if we remained consistently intentional. thanks so much for that encouragement.
I did as well:) Sorry for the late response.
Enjoyed this post. It takes charity, consistency and commitment to make your marriage work. You have to be intentional daily even when you don’t feel like. I have seen too many marriages fail because they were not intentional on loving like Christ, did not take consistent action daily to love one another like Christ and did not follow through with the commitment they made on their wedding day.
Thank you Bernard. Charity, consistency, commitment – these are great points, the heart of the post really. I like that point about being intentional even when we don’t feel like it. That’s one aspect of discipline we often fail at. Thanks for bringing these points home.
Straight to the point–I love this. My favorite: “Your happiness is your responsibility.” Thanks for linking up with HWC!
Christy Joy
Hey Christy! Glad you resonate! It’s a pleasure to linkup. Blessings!
Great idea, Ngina. I loved your first point. It made me think of that verse in Romans 1 or 2 – about how it’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. I think that’s often the case in marriage as well. We’ll have a better chance of the other person being sorry for what he did and apologizing if we’re kind about it rather than angry.
That’s a great scripture Barb. And it’s application so true. We go so much further when we respond, instead of reacting. Thanks so much for that
My Pastor always says if you have a problem with your spouse the problem is really with yourself. Being intentional means realizing that the things that bother us are our own issues. Marriage is not like the movies where everything just works out, it takes work, a lot of work! Enjoying reading your blog Ngina 🙂
Powerful thoughts by your Pastor Kimanzi. How true! What a difference that would make in our marriages! Thanks so much for sharing that. Am glad you are enjoying the posts, thanks so much 🙂
Super post! “Your happiness is your responsibility.” If all marriages took this approach, we wouldn’t have the kind of divorce rate we have. If we took this approach in all relationships, our lives would be so much richer.
Thank you Chris!
And so true, our lives would be so different. Taking responsibility is so important. I loved your post today on the Intentional Life! Great thoughts!
I really appreciate it Ngina!
As Easter is approaching, your post reminds me of God’s intentional love for us. It pushed Him past the pain. His love gave ALL.His love chooses to have no limits. His love allows us the freedom to chose to love Him or reject Him. His love remains the same.
Great post. If we all had this type of love…how our world would be different.
These are great reminders in this season TC. Thank you. I love this “His love gave ALL.His love chooses to have no limits.” So true.
Walking out His love would change our marriages, our lives, our marriages.
I’m in agreement Ngina! We must be on purpose, on target and intentional to make marriage work. We’ve all hit roadblocks. Some navigate them, some get stuck in them. GOD’S way is the best way!
Kimberly I love this! “We’ve all hit roadblocks. Some navigate them, some get stuck in them” How true! God’s way is all about moving forward, as Paul said to the Philippians ” I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Thanks for sharing that truth
Excellent post, Ngina. Not only a good reminder for our spouses, but also in life. When our selfish desires come first then difficult times are right behind it. Being intentional in controlling our flesh honors God and our spouses. Nice job.
So true Floyd. I think intentional people generally get further in life. An unbridled lifestyle, one without restraint or discipline or purposefulness often has trouble riding right behind (if not alongside) it.
It’s funny your reference to being a peacemaker and not a peacekeeper. I just taught yesterday on “Blessed are the peacemakers” and talked about that a lot.
This is a great post, Ngina. One thing I would add is that intentionally pursuing our spouse is also about learning more about them and what would make them feel loved or respected. I’ve been married almost 9 years, and I’m still learning new things about ways to make my wife feel loved and to be a good husband.
That’s interesting Loren 🙂 Most of us aren’t even aware of the difference and I think it’s an important area to teach about. I know your people were blessed! I know I was first learned about it.
That’s a great addition, learning what makes our spouse feel loved/respected will help us know what to get intentional about. Thanks so much
I love this: “I am convinced that “having it good” in marriage comes from being deliberate, purposeful, willful in our thoughts, actions and habits.” I recently interviewed a woman happily married for 30 years and she said at the start of her marriage she’d always be expecting something bad to happen because people would talk about how much work it was to be married; how difficult it was. And then she realized that didn’t have to be her marriage. She was all those things you say in that quote and 30 years later she’s happier than she was the day she said ‘I do.”
That’s a great story, Fawn. It reminds me of something my Pastor in Kenya used to say. In urging us to apply ourselves towards something, he’d say “Say “work” like you are not afraid of the word”. 🙂 I think the kind of work that marriage needs, as you’ve pointed out isn’t an “impossible” kind of work. Challenging sometimes yes. But the results are beautiful and rewarding and it keeps getting better!