How To Grow Together With Your Husband

So how do you grow together with your husband in the early days of marriage?

As opposed to growing apart.

In my last post Dear Newlywed Wife – 9 Things You Must Know About Marriage, we talked about the many adjustments present in the early days of marriage.

Today, we’ll look at a few areas where you are bound to experience growth and stretching. Specifically some things you need to understand about your husband.

Please note I am not insinuating your husbands needs are more important than yours! Not at all! Today’s post is just a peek into some of your husband’s wiring so you know how to navigate and grow together.

Yes, you matter! And I have a ton of resources on his part in making marriage great and one is linked below.

Back to the topic at hand.

One of the greatest shockers as a newlywed was the discovery my husband wasn’t God.

Actually, the real shocker was the fact I had such an expectation in the first place!

Like any independent single woman, I had walked into marriage having no such conscious hopes. But it didn’t take long before my invisible motives began to ooze out.

I had this weird hope my husband would understand why I did what I did because he knew where I’ve come from.

That he would make me feel better about certain things and bring ease and respite in most areas of my life.

But, he couldn’t. And he still can’t.

And yours will not be able to either.

Certainly, husbands are a big blessing but they don’t replace God. Or our responsibility as wives.

There are some pains and aches we must continually sort out ourselves, things we need to take to God; they are not for hubby to understand and mull over and help you figure out.

He’s a blessing to your life but he can’t fix you or all that is wrong with you.

He won’t understand everything about you, ooh and aah in all the right places, guess when you are a little blue and need only a hug. He will most certainly, hopefully, grow in his understanding of you, but there’s that word: grow. It’s not an immediate endowment.

Remember that your husband is not your joy, nor is he your hope. Such things come from within you, not from without. Read How to Cultivate a Grateful Heart

Marriage becomes fun and exhilarating when spouses learn to carry their own weight. When you expect your spouse to “fix” you, the relationship becomes burdensome.

Your husband will fail you, he’ll disappoint you, he’ll be as lost as you are sometimes, he has baggage of his own from his past (nothing surfaces past issues quicker than marriage, I tell you)

But if you accept he’s a human being, same as you are, you are well on your way to creating a healthy marriage.

Grow together with your husband – it’s stretchy and painful

As a wife, you will need to grow up in areas you didn’t even know existed.

If you are like me, you probably walked into marriage all “grown up” already and ready to handle everything marriage brings.

That is, until you encountered the person of “self.”

Which is the opposite of “us”.

Selfishness is a great enemy to marriage; you can’t have yourself on your mind all the time and expect to thrive as a couple.

It might bring a chill to your bones and a fire in your chest to constantly prefer another above yourself.

Because it’s one thing to prefer someone else above yourself once in a while, quite another to have it as a lifestyle. Even when the other person does not deserve it.

Navigate the questions, expectations and overwhelm so your marriage can thrive! Learn how tp grow together with your husband Click here

(Of course, there’s a godly balance to this preference – check out this post Boundaries in marriage: 5 guidelines with a difficult spouse

But overall as you grow in marriage, you’ll discover that there are many muscles that have lain dormant, flabby and lazy. Muscles that are only activated marriage; muscles of unity, oneness, service.

They tone up and become stronger as you learn, as you understand while you are important too, life is no longer all about your needs, wants, desires, thinking, preferences but also his needs, wants, desires and preferences.

To grow together with your husband, you need to fight for unity

I hated that word..submission. Understandably, because the the s-word has been misused and misapplied.

I choked on it, stomped my foot, stuck my nose in the air, curled my fists, screamed my mind hoarse, vowed to become die-hard born-again feminist (as if).

It’s a story for another post (click here to read it!) but I did finally come to see what submission was all about.

Submission is NOT the absence of a will; it is the yielding of one for the health and joy of a marriage. And you both submit to each other!

Of course you have a will otherwise you’d add little to no value to your marriage.

But partnering with your husband is about the heart, not mere actions.

In the end, submission is about function, not value. You are both equally valued and loved by God. You contributions are needed in marriage. You have equal strength in your marriage. But your husband is held accountable by God for how the marriage goes and grows.

Above all, submission is about trust – trust in this Higher Power who brought you together.

These are the days when you remember to put your hand in the hand of God, remembering that He is the one who is watching your back.

If your husband struggles to lead, read this post When You want to submit but your husband doesn’t lead

Please note: submission doesn’t mean submitting to sin, abuse or addictions.

His heart is not “out there” like yours is.

Guys are not always easy to figure out and it’s not helped by the fact that women want to figure them out, 100% of the time.

We are wired for relationship and that’s a great thing. And he is wired for relationship too but he relates different.

He’s wired to need to you..but you will need to search his heart (as he will need to search for yours.)

You need something? Ask clear questions – he is not a girl and so he won’t always understand the winding endless chatter that you mistake for “communication”.

Seems like he’s zoning out? Learn when to ease off, let go. Or pray up and keep up. (the same way you expect him to)

Want to really connect? Learn that body language, tone of voice, inflection, eye contact, food, touch, music, hugs and rubs, quietness, space – they can all lead to his heart.

Here are 6 things to avoid – 6 things wives do that hinder communication in marriage

Overall, embrace the learning school you’ve signed up for – learn to encourage without being condescending, to smile and nod when you’d rather scream “I told you so!”, to be patient when you’d rather blaze on, to rise above a tired day and ask about his.

Sounds hard? Well, this is what you both signed for; this one-flesh union that loves and serves the other the way they want to be loved and served.

It’s all about getting over ourselves and “getting” someone else.

Conclusion: this post is all about understanding your husband. But that’s not all there is to a great marriage! I’ve written a lot of posts on the husband’s responsibilities in marriage and I hope you check them out. And the best way to understand both your parts is pick up my book below!

Do you want to grow together with your husband? Are you madly in love but suspect your marriage can be better? Or maybe you are the imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy who is tired of fighting, fussing, misunderstanding and the distance.

You long to restore joy, healing and happiness to your marriage. You long to love better, create the marriage of your dreams, God’s way. Well, there’s hope! My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years might help! Learn how to work out the kinks, find joy in imperfection, positively influence your marriage and create the marriage of your dreams, one intentional choice at a time. Start your journey when you buy the book –> Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF