Is it possible to love when you don’t feel like it?
“Why is God always coming after me? Why doesn’t he go after my spouse?” “Why am I the only one who feels the need to grow?”
Ever muttered any one of those lines to God? To your spouse? Angrily?
I have.
And I’ve talked to many newly married women who’ve wondered the same things.
Love when you don’t feel loving: the human angle
All of us possess the capacity to love.
But the kind of love that naturally occurs to most is phileo or brotherly love. This is the love that gives because the other person deserves it. Or because the mood and feelings are right.
This love will give endlessly so long as the giving is mutual.
In other words, our natural inclination is to give as long as we are getting something back. And withhold when we get hurt and offended.
So God calls us to a higher type of love.
Love when you don’t feel like it: the Godly foundation
God has given us a better way to love and it’s called agape love, or godly love.
Agape love took Him to the cross to die for our sins. His love wasn’t the scratch-my-back-and-I-will-scratch-yours type. It wasn’t because we deserved it or because it felt good or because it was fair.
He died for us because He made the choice to do it. He was thinking about restoring our broken relationship with our heavenly Father.
Lets look at marriage.
Usually when we have conflict with our spouse, we want our spouse to ‘fess up and change. We want them to own up to their sin before we can feel anointed enough to reconcile.
We think it’s only fair to have a mutual “cross-carrying” thing going on – I own up to my sin and you own up to yours and then we can move on.
Unfortunately, most of the time, one spouse is unwilling to do this dance.
And this is you and I (by “you” I mean the spouse reading this post) has the opportunity to step into agape love.
So how would agape love look like at that point?
1. Agape love accepts the person, without accepting the person’s behavior.
I struggled with this idea in my own marriage. To me a person’s behavior was part of who they were and rejecting one part meant rejecting the whole.
Being a feely sanguine, it was hard to reconcile not feeling love for someone and loving them at the same time.
So when God opened up 1 Cor: 13: 4-8 (the love chapter) and Galatians 5: 22 (the fruit of the spirit), I began to see how agape love goes beyond my feelings to my will. I saw how it’s choice and action based.
It’s about what I think and the actions that result as a result of my thoughts.
Not that my feelings are invalid – just that I can’t allow them to lead me.
Choice leads, feelings follow.
When we step into agape love, we allow God to mold us and grow us. We also give Him room to work on our behalf.
Remember that we cannot change people. We do not control life either. And as long as we are trying to work our marriage or change our spouse, God’s hands are tied in the sense that we have taken control instead of allowing Him to.
But when we step back and do things His way, we give Him room to change us and work on our behalf.
2. Agape love has boundaries
God loves us unconditionally but He has laid down safeguards and there are consequences for breaking the safeguards.
In marriage, loving someone with God’s love does not mean you have to like and accept everything the other person does. It just means that your behavior towards them is filled with love.
And love in this case means you are patient, kind, not envious, boastful, prideful, rude, self-seeking, easily angered (ouch), keeping a record of wrongs, or delighting in evil. Love means you are trusting, protecting, hoping, persevering, never failing.
You can be firm and loving because passivity and silence aren’t signs of holiness. Agape love empowers you to make stronger wiser decisions. When you are in obedience, you can walk in peace and strength.
You can be firm and loving because passivity and silence aren't signs of holiness.Further reading
3 clear ways to love an unloving husband
To the wife in a difficult marriage
Dear frustrated wife, quit living the life you haven’t been gifted
Change my husband – how to influence his growth
Boundaries in marriage – 5 limits with a difficult spouse
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Photo by jeniffer Costa from Pexels
Great post and challenge. It can be challenging but I try and Love my wife like Christ loves the church. I fall short but know God is helping me love my wife with agape love.
Dan, so true, we can’t love by our own power or might. It takes God and a revelation about it. Thanks for reading and sharing
Haha, loved your first line. Why do I always have to be the one to change? Why can’t he change for once?
I’ve said those lines many a time. But more often than not, when I look into the matter a little more closely, I realize I’m just as much at fault as my husband!
And much as I hate to give up my I’m-the-good-guy-he’s-the-bad-guy routine, the Holy Spirit makes it hard for me to hang onto my threads of self-righteousness. Rats!
The more I give grace, the more I see what a freeing thing grace is. It not only makes the other person feel good, it makes ME feel good!
I wrote those lines cos i’ve said them so many times! …And hubby can testify he’s felt that way too! (brings that scripture to mind…”none is rightious..not even one..lol ) I love the Holy Ghost, He’s quick, on point and perfect every time. I love that last paragraph – the more i give grace, the more I see what a freeing thing grace is. Thanks so much sharing
To love not because others deserve it or that they have earned it is not natural.
I want to share the burden of the cross. I associate the unwanted behavior with the person. I think that puts scales over my eyes. God does not love us any less because of our mistakes, why should we.
Agape love is God driven and God given ability. Ngina, this post is really helpful to me, practical as well as profound. May God lead us into more action as Jesus did on the cross. Thanks for the admonition.
I love your crisp straight forward summaries, as always. I should be sending you these posts to do the conclusions for me 🙂 I love this – agape love is God driven and God given ability”. We can’t love that way without God..it is truly His ability in us. Without Him we are a train wreck waiting to happen. 🙂 (at least i know iam..and i wreck alot). Thanks so much for adding your insighfull perspective. God bless
Thanks Ngina, maybe I will do those summaries sometime 🙂 You write so well yourself. With experience as a good teacher and God’s grace mending us, we tell the story well! I am a train wreck too 🙂 if not for God. God bless as well.
Thanks Jep. Amen to God’s mendings and getting better.
So many times I’ve wanted things to change around me – wanted the people around me to change. I must admit at times I’ve been angry at God about these things. But then God always shows me that the problem is me!
Loving in that way is difficult – that self-sacrificial, Christlike, agape love. But yet it’s what we’re called to do. Thanks for the challenge today!
Totally agree, it’s not an easy journey at all Loren. I think if it were, divorces would be a thing unheard and all relationships would score a perfect 10. Funny how it always comes back to “me”. I mean no matter how ‘justified’ any situation is, God is adamant that there’s something about “me” that can change. Thanks so much for sharing and adding to the conversation.
Oh its hard. Its not easy at all because there are times when my wife says she just does not like me. You may not believe it but she says I am so annoying at times. As a kid i knew how to press someone’s hot buttons and I think it carries over. However, we know that our love runs deeper than surface problems or disagreements. Early in marriage this was hard and difficult for us both. We had to learn from our mistakes and from the examples of others.
When you speak about agape love, that is the ultimate. I love God with every fiber in me, then my wife is next. She is me, we are one.
Lincoln, I am still in my early marriage years so i can imagine how that played out for you and your wife. thank you so much for your openness and honesty. Learning from your mistakes and the examples of others – what a great way to learn! Many couples, esp the ones in the early years struggle with moving beyond the difficulties and conflicts, often feeling like things will never change. You have a great testimony that things can indeed change..lean on God, learn what you need to and give yourself lots of grace.Thanks so much for sharing your heart and insights. Always appreciate your insights
“Not that my feelings are invalid – just that I can’t allow them to lead me.”
AMEN!
I’m guilty of letting my feelings lead far too often. Thankfully God is helping me take a step back BEFORE I do/say something I regret. I’m a work in progress 🙂
Thank God I have such a patient spouse!
TC you and I could be twins! Lol. I too have hasty feet and an even hastier mouth 🙂 Thank God for His patience (esp in form of patient spouse)
I love that you’ve highlighted that 1st statement. It’s been one of my key revelations in marriage 🙂 We sometimes feel condemned because of how we feel (e.g anger) yet the Bible is clear in Eph 4:26 that our emotions will get stirred up. But we are told “in your anger do not sin”. In other words, don’t let your emotions lead you. Thanks for building on that.
So nice to have a sister in Christ who I can relate to. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. You reach many people with these posts.
God bless you and your marriage!
Thanks for your kind words 🙂 Amen and glory to God. Thanks for reading.
Great one! It is about using our free will in action to love. My concordance says, “the ascent of one’s will.” I like that.
Over the years I’ve read many books on the subject of marriage at the request of my wife. I can honestly say that I didn’t want to, but it because it meant something to her I did it. Like all things, I learned more than I thought I ever could. I also have to say that even though Christian authors, I didn’t agree with all of all of them had to say. I still struggle with reading my wife’s mind!
I love that concordance meaning Floyd.
The things that our spouses ‘make’ us do! And the things that we learn!
Ha! i think a woman’s mind is one of God’s deep mysteries..the one thing you are guaranteed of is ‘continual amazement’. 🙂