How to romance your husband is a well-researched area by many. I know because I just searched the phrase and nearly a million results popped up.
So let’s talk about how to romance your man. I’ll share four approaches to cultivating a “pursuit mindset.” Now, my focus on wives doesn’t imply husbands are off the hook. Au contraire.
I love an analogy from a Commentor on Facebook: “I think pursuit is like a tennis match.” i.e, romance takes two. She continued. “When one partner stops serving or returning the ball, the match is over.”
So it does take both husband and wife to have a healthy romance!
But I didn’t always know that.
When we were about two years married, I asked one of my mentors whose responsibility it was to text during the day. I just wanted to hear that it was my husband’s job to pursue me and put all the effort into keeping romance alive.
I was coming from the school of thought that husbands lead and wives respond to their effort. So it made sense to me to sit back and expect wooing all day, with zero reciprocation. But I was in for a surprise. “Text him.” My mentor said, “You both must be texting one another”.
That day, I learned that my husband and I were co-leaders and partners in all areas of our marriage, including romance. We both had to put in the effort to make each other feel loved, wanted, and cherished.
What is Romance in Marriage?
Romance in marriage smells like freshly baked cookies on a Saturday morning. That “feeling of mystery” 1 and devotion keeps the relationship vibrant and alive: salty, spicy, creamy, any way you like it
Regardless of individual beliefs regarding gender roles in marriage, I hope we can all agree that a healthy marriage, hence a healthy romance, takes two spouses. If we want a relationship where butterflies in the stomach never become a distant memory, both husband and wife have to put in some effort.
However, I’ll be the first person to admit that the longer you’re married, the greater the pull towards indifference and laziness. And the kicker is, it doesn’t even take much to grow over-familiar with our spouses. It’s not something we have to work at. Drifting in a relationship is natural unless we do something about it.
The dictionary defines familiarity as “the quality of being well known; recognizability based on long or close association” or “relaxed friendliness or intimacy between people.”
Clearly, familiarity in marriage can be a gift (<< anyone else thrilled they don’t have to be in a perpetual guess-and-hope mode so present in dating??). But being too familiar can also lead to less effort and more taking our spouse for granted. Which all leads to the terrible highway of a romance-less marriage.
How to Romance Your Husband – The Trick
In stoking romance in our marriage, one of my go-to “tricks” is learning to change the story I tell myself about my husband and our marriage. There’s a vast advantage to intentionally choosing my thoughts over accepting everything that pops into my head as truth.
An example to illustrate what I mean.
I intentionally tell myself a fabulous story about our marriage. Forget romance novels and chick-flicks, they couldn’t hold a candle to my daydreams. I am persuaded that ours is an intimate, playful marriage. That our DNA is to touch, talk, play, and do stuff together. In truth, these are not imaginary things; this is actually how we relate to each other on a daily basis.
But my thought life still matters because my thoughts often dictate my expectations and behavior. The story I tell myself about “us” dictates what I expect of us and how I act (and don’t act).
It’s not enough to be playful and silly with each other today; I have to believe it’s who we’re to remain playful and silly for the long term. It’s not enough to do things together today; I have to see us as that couple that likes to do things together for us to remain that connected for the long term.
So here, my thinking frames my expectations and regulates my behavior.
And that’s what long-term romance is all about it. It requires we adjust what we believe, how we think, and what we do. And beyond making these adjustments, it requires we nurture that romance-positive self-talk and belief for the long term.
When we don’t nurture that belief and self talk, familiarity is waiting on the wings to swoop in and give us a vile case of amnesia, where we no longer remember to do or to be those things that keep our marriage special.
Telling ourselves a fabulous stories about our marriage is important because “life” will happen. Conflict, busyness, illness and everything that triggers familiarity, passivity and relationship laziness will knock on your happily ever and when it does, you want it to find a mindset that believes in your love-story and acts accordingly.
When you believe in your fabulous love story, it makes it easier to fight for it and to make adjustments.
What Comes First?
Now, I’ve just given you some of my premium coaching points for free (you blessed person you), but I hope it helps you see why it’s important to actually change and guard our mindsets. We want our actions to be different so we can have the marriage we say we want to have.
At this point, we can argue about what comes first: the romantic couple or the mindset that leads to romance. You certainly have to start somewhere. This post is for wives and couples with a healthy marriage. If your marriage doesn’t have that “DNA” of love and devotion, then you most certainly need to start elsewhere.
But if you already cherish one other and you want to keep that freshly-baked-cookies-on-a-Saturday-morning deliciousness, then you need a way to cheer and encourage yourself, especially in those moments you want to slack off.
How To Romance Your Husband: The Takeaways
So here are my takeaways for today:
1. Recognize it’s possible to keep a posture of interest in our spouses.
No matter how long we’ve been married, we can nurture interest. I know it’s hard to consider romance as something to work towards when you’re newly married. And that’s why I’m grateful for people like my mentor, who told me straight when I was in the weeds. It’s also why I’m grateful you’re reading this article today. You and I cannot feign ignorance.
2. Familiarly is an asset.
But it can also lead to a lack of interest in our spouse, which is a romance killer.
3. We must change how we view marriage.
When we confess and believe a good healthy story about ourselves, our actions reflect that belief. It’s our remedy for when familiarity (and other romance killers) start to knock on our happily ever after: we’re able to identify the drift more quickly and recover romance.
4. Practical tips on how to romance your husband.
I can’t wrap up a “How To Romance Your Husband” post without some ideas! Try them out this week!
Remember, romance nourishes a strong connection with your spouse. This week, find a way to let your husband know he’s desirable, attractive, and wanted. And moreover, keep in mind that what you tell yourself about your husband fuels your own feelings of attraction and desire for him.
Ideas for how to romance your husband
- Send him texts for no reason.
- Leave him sexy voicemails.
- Buy his favorite snacks. Make his favorite meals. “Favorites” is an oldie, but there’s a reason for it! It makes many husbands feel appreciated and thought of.
- Praise him in front of others.
- Hide love notes in the house or his work bag. Bonus points if the notes line up to his personality. For example, my husband is on the quirky, cerebral scale of things (aka here’s a thinker). So I have to find exciting notes that actually speak to his heart (not mine.)
- Be a big tease. Whet his desires while keeping a straight face. For example, cross his view in his favorite shirt or dress with nothing underneath. Clean vigorously within sight, wearing next to nothing when he’s busy doing something else. Jump on his lap and giving him a taste of things to come. Be creative! And obviously, reserve this steaminess for when it’s just the two of you in the house!
- Tell him when he does something right. Don’t assume he knows; let him know.
- J of Hot Holy Humorous has creative thoughts for when a husband isn’t the romantic type (which is deflating if you’re trying to romance him). She says, “I can put on my sexy nightie or nudie and ask, “So what do you think?” Or say, “You know what I like about your body?” and go through a list, followed by “What do you like about mine?” I have now opened the floor for him to express what I need to hear.”
- Check out these posts: 15 Inexpensive Ways to Bless Your Husband Today and Why You Need To Pursue Your Husband
Romance in Marriage
One of my favorite quotes on romance is
It’s the sweetest quote ever on romance and I want that for my marriage. I want to choose, every day, to be hopelessly and intentionally in love with the man I chose. I hope the same thing for you too.
Are You Feeling Overwhelmed in Marriage?
Today’s thoughts are an adaptation from my book, Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years. This powerful guide walks you through the eight common hot spots of a new marriage and shows you how to work out the kinks so you can love being married (No more pretending!) Find joy, even in imperfection, positively influence your marriage and create the relationship of your dreams. Check it out Amazon I Barnes & Noble I PDF. It’s the perfect gift for bridal showers and wedding gifts!