When Your Husband Won’t Talk – 3 Things To Do

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What’s a wife do when her husband won’t talk?

How do you grow when one part of the relationship is disengaged?

Communication was one of our top issues as a newlywed couple.

From a survey I conducted early this year, and more chats with wives, I have discovered it’s a hot-spot for many couples, particularly those in the early years of marriage.

When your husband won't talk

So today I want to dissect the options that a wife has when her husband won’t talk i.e struggles to engage on important issues.

Update: After getting some feedback about this post, I want to clarify that I write to wives, specifically those in the early years of marriage. If you’ve been married for a long time, I encourage you to check out my in-depth guide right here, where I go deeper on what to do when it seems like you’re the only one interested in healthy communication in marriage.

There are different reasons why a man might shut down and I won’t get into all of them. In this post, I will share from personal experience. We will extract lessons, and hopefully give you some next-steps for your situation.

But before we do that, let us set the background:

Newlywed sometimes means new problems. Not always in the dreadful sense. Mostly in the context of learning how to do life as two people who are supposed to work towards unity

Many newlywed guys (and girls!) struggle with connection in marriage.

My husband had no clue of my need for dialogue (neither did I) and how he’d struggle to meet that need right away or how a marriage can’t thrive without healthy communication (i.e communication was not a “wife” thing but a “something WE BOTH need” thing.) It was something he would have to work at. While everything within him screamed, “you are failing as a husband.”

With that in mind, let’s dive into the lessons – three things to consider when your husband won’t talk to you and what I’ve learned from hindsight.

1. Consider how he communicates and adapt where possible

Sometimes it’s not that a husband won’t talk; it’s that his idea of talk is different from his wife’s. My concept of talking was “let’s analyze and work through this issue and resolve it completely, immediately after it happens.”

My husband’s approach was “leave me alone until I’ve figured out what is troubling you. Once I know how to fix it, then we can address it.” At this point, we were doing what we knew, and we hoped our style would be satisfactory to the other.

But it wasn’t. At that point, we could have adjusted and saved ourselves a lot of trouble.

For my husband, it’s not that he didn’t want to talk to me. In fact, we could talk about issues but only up to a certain point. The moment he ran into something he couldn’t figure out (and there’s a lot of things a newlywed guy doesn’t know) he switched off.

Years later, I learned the reason he switched off was because not being able to meet my needs was a big scary deal.

But many spouses don’t understand that sometimes their spouse hides, not because they dislike them, but because they are scared they can’t love well.

Further, my aggressiveness about resolving everything as it happened only served to heighten his sense of helplessness. Which then would trigger his defenses. The walls would go up and I would get upset because then I would think he didn’t care.

Which would make me afraid and anxious and set me on badgering-mode; trying to get him to give me what I wanted.

One easy fix to that I could control? Own my space.Understand where I ended and where he began.

I am not trying to minimize your feelings or efforts. I am trying to help you see how you can engage the parts of your marriage you control. Not because your spouse isn’t responsible or even because he shouldn’t be the one taking responsibility first.

But because you also matter.

Now, studying each others communication style and reading each others’ needs is something that can take time and intentional growth. Which leads us to #2.

2. Create boundaries if husband won’t talk

My husband and I went through a lot of post-wedding tune ups, and not a single session recommended boundaries for better communication. It’s like we all assumed that having knowledge would be enough to change behavior.

Indeed we learned and grew from our post-wedding counseling, but I would soon learn that “people tend to embrace change when the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of changing”paraphrase To Love Honor Vacuum

Boundaries within marriage is a touchy topic, and I spend some time talking about them in this post – 5 guidelines for creating boundaries with a difficult spouse. The premise of the post is that marriage is not where common decency and standard rules of engagement go to die.

It’s not okay for your husband to not address essential areas and expect you’ll be alright with it. Alongside that, it’s unhelpful to your well-being to force conversations or mistreat the silent spouse.

What happens when a husband won't talk, refuses to engage and shuts out his wife? Here are three things a wife can do

Our boundaries

In our marriage, I came up with the limits, based on research I had done and present issues. Thankfully, my husband agreed to have a sit-down and hear what I had to say.

Not every husband who struggles to open up will lend their ears or mind to their wife in a timely manner. In that case, a wife can consider other means, like writing an email or a letter to her husband. Or she can bring in a safe intermediary (see #3). If he still doesn’t engage/engage healthily, the wife might have to consider her marriage emotionally abusive and explore what she needs to be safe and healthy. Please check out these posts for more.

To give you an idea of what boundaries might look like, here’s what we agreed on.

I say “agreed on” because I phrased it as a discussion, not a lecture. The conversation was brief, and I asked his opinion. He probably spoke two sentences the whole time. Your situation might be different but for me, I felt it was important to create a “we” environment, Vs “me vs you.” Again, your situation might be different because your marriage’s dynamic might require you to consider your welfare first. I encourage you to seek licensed counseling or advice from a safe and healthy friend.

My husband and I agreed;

1. I would henceforth respect his wishes when he said he needed time to think. I had to back off and quit badgering him. That was hard to do.

2. I would avoid bringing up too many issues in one conversation. Even if we had like five legit things to wrestle through, we could only address one topic at a time.

3 If he evoked #1, he was automatically responsible for bringing back the issue to the table at the agreed time of his choosing. Since difficult conversations were not his favorite cup of tea, it was hard to follow through.

But his desire for a warmer tender relationship would motivate him to keep his word. Once we cleared up the fog and he saw his responsibility, it was clear what he was risking when he skipped his responsibility.

And this is where the rubber meets the road. Where the spouse begins to feel the pinch of their lack of change. I did my best to live at peace with my husband – I was courteous – but the broken undertone was still very present. There was no pretense.

As a wife (married to an overall decent man experiencing growth-related issues,) it’s important to step back and let the season take its course. And a great way to “step back” in a healthy manner is through intimacy with God and the supportive resources He brings your way.

Spend time with God, refuse to bury yourself with work or other distractions i.e watch against using these as coping mechanism vs actually working on issues. Watch out for passive-aggressiveness/anger/resentment/living parallel lives. Get licensed counseling (see #3).

There is no formula, only a dependency on God and the supportive healing systems He sends your way. He can show you what to do when you don’t know what to do. It’s a step by step, moment by moment journey.

If you struggle with creating and enforcing boundaries with a difficult spouse, I show you how to come up with boundaries for your marriage, complete with a step-by-step example, so you know exactly what to do and what to avoid: Check out How To Navigate Conflict in Marriage Course here.

3. Seek outside counsel

There are no two ways about it. If your husband won’t talk to you, then he needs to talk to someone else. And if he won’t do that either, then he’s engaging in abusive behavior. Check out this page for resources to help.

It’s not a popular choice, particularly in the early years of marriage because we want everyone to think we are happy. And of course, it’s okay to want happy.

But happy and healthy is a result of solid choices, not an automatic endowment. At least by the second day of marriage, we should all figure that out. See this post on mentoring – 9 things every couple should know about mentoring

From hindsight, here’s what I have learned about communication blues.

– Where there’s goodwill...

Because we can be right to the moon and back, but it won’t make a difference unless we learn how to close that communication gap.

Being courteous doesn’t make you a pushover. You can be kind and resolute. You can be courteous and firm. You can have boundaries and be respectful. You don’t have to be ugly to communicate the hard stuff. (And here I’m not saying it’s wrong to be angry or we should deny our feelings. Feelings are normal – Read This Post No, Emotions Are a Healthy Part of Marriage (“Fixing” Myself!)

– Sometimes we are too concerned with preserving the image of “our good Christian marriage” we would rather live in a lie.

Okay, let’s address this: He ignores you, refuses to address issues that are important to you, mocks your tears and forbids you to talk to your pastor/mentor.

You think you should do something, but you are afraid of what people will think. You want to hold on to the good Christian marriage reputation.

If this is your line of thinking, let me expand it further; you may have missed the “good marriage” part. What your husband is doing is not good and there’s nothing to protect.

As spouses, we need to come to this place where our commitment to health and living in truth is more significant than our desire to please our mate.

Unhealthy behavior, a willful neglect of vows; these do not represent God’s heart for your marriage.

If this section resonated with you, please read this series of posts.

– For those willing to grow, it takes time to change

Here’s the truth. Sometimes, my husband still feels like withdrawing when we have difficulties. He’s still a three or four lines kind of guy; the fewer the words he has to speak in a tense situation, the happier he is.

I still want to bring up five things at a time and feel frustrated when we can’t address everything right away and be done with it. Thank God we have fewer things to disagree on now but my point is, you have to be patient.

I can’t emphasize that enough.  Many wives think, “but it’s been three years he still isn’t perfect, and I don’t think he ever will!” Well, we are nine years in and we haven’t got it together either. (Please read this post for insights on “normal human struggles” vs. destrtuctive patterns!)

Despite his feelings, my husband now chooses to do the right thing. He’s working on his emotions but he doesn’t wait for all the right feelings before he can make healthy choices. A long time ago, I used to insist on changed feelings too. But there’s a lot of stuff we do in marriage not because we like it but because it’s the healthy thing to do.

So if your husband is making some type of effort, is continually improving, and you can see the lasting fruit of it privately and publicly, don’t hold him hostage. Give him some credit.

– Some things will take your changing, not his.

Marriage is a revealer; we are learning ourselves as much as we are learning our spouse. My husband did not know he had stonewalling tendencies until he got married. I did not think I was an anxious girl until I got married. Though we are constantly growing, some of these base things remain.

While my husband has grown and matured, so have I. I have acknowledged the areas I lacked and put in the effort to grow and mature. We both have.

~

And that’s my miss-mash of thoughts about this difficult topic. What do you think? How can a couple work through stonewalling/over-talking? If you’ve wrestled through this, how did you do it? Let’s chat in Comments.

Also make sure to read the follow up post, written by my husband – Communication in Marriage: A Husbands’ Perspective


Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns

Systems of Abuse (aff link) by abuse and trauma recovery coach Sarah McDugal, outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Access Now.

 

Photo by Jeremy Wong on Unsplash, Photo by Luis Martinez from Pexels, Photo by Arthur Ogleznev from Pexels

37 Comments

  1. Rebeka Willoughby says:

    Seriously I feel like this article spoke to me. I’m always on top of my husband in trying to do things and have conversations the way I know how which can come off nagging and badger like. I’ve tried to hold my tongue and wait for a change and have gotten mad when I didn’t see a result from him right away. It never occurred to me that I am setting my level way to high and pushing him away. Being angry and mad that we are not progressing faster will not help me. I need to learn to let things go and notice all the positive things that he does for our family. My mother always says, ” men are mars and women are from Venus ” and now I truly do know what that means!

  2. So it’s the wives’ problem that their husbands won’t talk to them? THEY have to work it out and respect “his boundaries” lol are you kidding me?

    If my husband doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time it’s not my problem to fix. He’s the one imposing this new issue in our lives. I don’t have to respect that.

    IF your husband won’t talk to you until you’re begging him to then you don’t have a husband at all. You have a child.

    1. I have no idea how you came to that conclusion after reading this post. The boundaries portion specifically is about the wife creating limits as to how much she can take.

      Marriage takes both people giving 100% and this post is giving ideas about how a wife can give her 100% WHILE expecting her husband to give his 100% too. Certainly, when a husband shuts down, it’s his problem to own, not hers. But that doesn’t mean she does nothing. There are areas to grow as well.

    2. Rachel Pelletier says:

      your right about that

  3. Lethokuhle Ntombikhona Mhlanga says:

    Yes a lot of Jesus finishes all. I love that because without Jesus we can not do a thing.

  4. Thanks for this article, it helps me. I shared it with my husband, i hope it helps him. He is a great guy and he tries. He got used to a lot of horrible bad habits in his previous marriage and to some extent i’m pretty sure his lack of communication skills drove his ex up the wall and it is now driving me batty. I feel like he’d rather not say anything most of the time and that way he avoids conflict at all costs, while at the same time depriving me of my basic need to connect with him. Yet he has no problem confiding on his mother and non chalantly telling her anything the way he should talk with me. So, something is certainly off. I still feel like marriage is the most soul sucking experience i’ve ever endured. This is our second marriage for both of us, which adds another layer of malarchy to the whole mix. NEVER.AGAIN.

    1. RM, I am so sorry. Have you sought counseling because I feel it might be helpful for you. You can also request my 20-minute coaching assessment call here

  5. Danielle Smith says:

    Thank you for your inspiration, God is using you to reach out to women who are married, this is a blessing in everything you said in this blog is totally true ❤️

  6. My husband lost his job about two months ago (and honestly by actions of his own). He has never enjoyed working and will usually take months if not years off between jobs. We have been married three years and are now pregnant. I work full time and love what I do and it’s hard for me to understand someone who does not see work as something important. I work in the nonprofit world and am not able to be the sole source of income for two. When he lost this last job, he assured me he would find something soon and acknowledged we now have more responsibilities (a baby) that we need to be supporting.
    I try hard to not bring up “how’s the job search” too often because he just shuts down and it ends in an argument. I had given it a few weeks and when I asked about it tonight, he told me he hasn’t been looking and feels like he has time. I felt so betrayed by this and that my trust was shattered. I tried to remain calm and be supportive but pursued asking questions as to why this wasn’t a priority for him. He then became angry and the conversation didn’t end well
    I haven’t shared with my family or friends about him losing his job and feel I have no one to talk to about it. I’m terrified that he won’t pursue finding a job and what that would mean for our financial stability and the life we will be giving to our soon to be born child.
    I have brought up counseling before for our communication issues which he refuses.
    I feel I have to pretend that everything is fine and just keep all the financial responsibility on myself or spend all of our time arguing with each other. I am just so lost.

    1. Mel, I am so sorry. I have written about what to do what your husband is out of work and you can read it here. But your situation is a little different and I think this post might be more helpful

  7. I’ve been married for 12 years. My husband has always been my rock. But over the last…6 months or so, he’s changed in so many ways. We’ve been engaged in a four year long battle over specific things he does to me that I do not like, are or would be inappropriate to do in public (or wherever our 4 year-old might be), that make me feel like a means to an end rather than a loved wife.
    I’ve begged, tried to explain my Pov, cried, ignored, tried to reason. He just says sorry but turns right around usually within a span of a couple of hours and starts again. He doesn’t talk and I think he’s what is called passive aggressive.. I’m tired and don’t know what else to do!

    1. Beth, you need to talk to a counselor to help you work through this. It also sounds like something shifted with your husband 6months ago. Either way, it would be helpful to seek mentor help/talk to a trusted friend/get counseling as the next step

  8. This is exactly what I need right now. Thank your for imparting your wisdom. My husband still ignores me, and refuses to talk about issues. There have been many instances that this has happened. He would tell me that he is not ready to talk and would take, at times, weeks until i just “give in” and also withdraw and accept that he doesnt want to talk about it and wouldn’t talk about it. I have come to a point where I am thinking about getting separated after this ultimatum. Again, this is if he still ignores the need to talk. I cannot see how we can work out a marriage without communication. Other than going that far as to threaten separation (and actually doing it if he still ignores this) do you think there is anything else I can do? I just cannot tolerate this anymore. Looking forward to hearing from you.

    1. I am sorry April for the issues you are wrestling through. To answer your question, I recommend reading this article. I think it has additional insights and might help in making a decision

  9. I have been married for 18 years. My husband is the quiet type. Some things I have found that helps him come out of his shell, is to use encouraging words about what I CAN appreciate about him. Also, talking about what HE wants to talk about helps (usually it is work-stuff I know little about or have little interest in) but I need to listen, too, even if it is not my favorite subject. I also try to listen about football and other subjects he likes. One important thing we personally do is to have a two night get away every anniversary. If we are struggling financially (which is often), we take the anniversary trip a little later, and save up for it, even if it is a little here and there. We also look for deals (groupon, etc) where our money can go far. The main thing is to get away from your normal life, to make good memories. Leave the kids and work and reconnect with your spouse. It is so important to invest in your marriage. Also, I try to consider, some days I am in better moods than other days. When I am in a bad mood and in a “complain” frame of mind, it is best to not address things with my husband. Listening to music or going for a walk helps. Some days my husband will walk with me and the fresh air feels nice. Hold hands. And sometimes you don’t need to talk. Take time out, and just be a friend shoulder to shoulder with your husband. I have learned, too, that my husband cannot drive and talk. He will miss exits and we will get lost. We would fight in the car because I wanted a big conversation while we just sat there (in my mind doing nothing), but he cannot do two things at once. Learning that your husband is different than you are is key. Learn to speak his language. And it is not wrong to expect him to speak your language, too. I remind my husband that I need face to face time and I like to see that he has emotions. If I am pleasant and kind, and let him know respectfully I need to talk with him, just to talk because that is what energizes me and makes me happy, he is more willing to participate. I hope all goes well for you all. Just know no marriage is conflict free, it is just about working things out, giving the other the benefit of the doubt, and never giving up. Be loving, be kind. And know the sexes differ. A good marriage book I liked was James’s Dobson’s book Love Must be Tough. While it is mainly about infedelity, there’s a chapter for those in fairly good marriages. It is a helpful book, about giving one space, having accondability, too, and having self respect. And I also like the author of this site, too. She imparts a lot of wisdom! God bless you all on your marriages and remember you’re a team.

    1. THANK YOU for your words of wisdom!! Love everything you’ve said

  10. I don’t know what to do.. We have not been intimate for ten, yes TEN, years. We have been married for 16 and I can’t take it anymore. Not just the lack of intimacy, but the fact that he says he’s not “comfortable talking about it” and when I say that I have to leave now he goes into the “yes it’s all my fault,.. I am the baddie etc..”. I have tried to say that I don’t think hardly anyone would think it was ok just to keep on not talking about it and frankly I feel like I am being held hostage as I am still faithful, 10 years later. I understand that it’s painful for us both to approach the matter (which just gets harder with every year that passes) but.. seriously.. are we just going to pretend it’s all just fine? Is this what he expects me to do until I die? I am so upset, it’s all falling apart, we have three kids and we are both at our ends in this and I really feel it can’t be that being married should mean that I just accept this until my life ends.. (and.. it’s NOT a weight thing.. I’ve been same weight as when we met and it was no difference) /Broken

    1. I am so sorry about what you are going through! It’s definitely not healthy to have no intimacy in your marriage and not be able to talk about it. Please follow this link to my resources page and check out articles particularly e.g under the headline “wives in difficult marriages”. Also please connect with J Parker and ask to join her page for high drive wives.

  11. I found your article through an internet search because I was searching for why my husband won’t talk to me. Thankfully, yours was the first one I hit on. We have a number of issues recently. He had a good job as an OTR truck driver, he made enough that I was able to quit my job & travel with him. I would stay home a week each month to try & take care of things at home. One of the weeks I wasn’t with him he flat out just quit out of frustration. Financially, he wrecked us. I went back to my old job but it doesn’t pay enough to cover the bills. In the meantime I’ve been helping him to find another job. Either he refuses to do them because he doesn’t want to do them & more recently turned down a job because he said he would miss me too much. I’m at a loss. He’s been doing odd jobs for his mom & though I am trying VERY hard to respect that relationship & her, they are not supporting our marriage. She encourages him to not take jobs if he doesn’t want to, or not to apply for certain jobs or not to do whatever doesn’t make him happy. They make financial decisions over my head & he completely blamed me to his mom for our current debt. I am exhausted working graveyards for Hospice & stressed to the max over the bills. I tried to talk to him tonight & didn’t approach in a confrontational manner, then he takes a ‘poor me’ attitude, “well I’ll just take the job if it makes you happy”, & I’m trying to tell him that he just needs to look for himself so he knows he’s pursuing what he wants. I tried to address the thing with his mom. He totally cut me off, walked away & will not talk. I am beyond hurt, frustrated & at the point where I wouldn’t be sad if he went to live with his mom again. I’m really about done. However, your article tells me what I was mulling over in my heart, that I need to extend grace, pray & draw closer to God. I’m going to endeavor to do that because I am truly at a loss otherwise. Thank you for your words.

  12. Hi Ngina,

    My wife’s strategy to get me to give her what she wants is to shut me out. She wont bulge and sometimes the stonewalling lasts for weeks. I don’t like it when that happens, so, I always try to give her what she wants, that is kneel down and beg for mercy, and then do whatever she asks of me, even if it comes at a great cost to me (socially, financially, emotionally, physically). The thing is, she has played this game for far too long and I am just fed up. I wonder, could what you said above be the answer out of our predicament? “people tend to embrace change when the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of changing”. Should I just also stonewall for as long as she can no longer stand it, and do it several times at that? I have tried but she has a heart of still, I get the sense she expects me to wink first. Kindly advise

  13. Thank you very big Ngina. This helped a lot. not only for newly weds but also those in the road to say I DO. i will practice this. i will walk the walk. Keep me in prayers December i”m on the aisle.

    Blessings

  14. John Ivan says:

    I’m a guy who works abroad and most of the time chat with my wife over the internet. I really hate it when she just all of a sudden saying annoying words about me not listening to her and she was just doing all the talking when in fact we have been talking 5 hours a day. Frankly , I really don’t have anything to say ! And she was like , ok just log-out and talk to me if you have anything to say. God i’m too old for this !!!

    1. HI JOHN.

      Practice grace with her. Women are different from men. And i guess the distance is a bit frustrating to her too.

  15. Cari Elena Montemira says:

    This is a long one so get ready girls. My husband and I are not legally married however when we met we became pregnant,and have tried to behave as newlyweds from the start “my wife” “my husband” terms would be frequently spoken. Our son is 6months old, we needed our own place I was being constantly badgered by his family, his mom and dad never respected me as his wife, the mother of their grandchild, or even as a human woman. They repeatedly joked about keeping my son once he was born, saying they will take him from me. The brother in law and his wife had two rooms to themselves in our duplex that we shared and we only had one to the three of us. We had different fridges, different schedules even different dishes. They constantly got rid of my stuff, my dishes, my kitchen towels, my son’s stuff. My husband failed to keep me and my stuff safe from them. This week they told my husband to get rid of my stuff taking up space in the dining room and it was the last straw for me. I moved out of my husband’s room. I brought all the things I could load into the car and drove myself to my mother’s. I told him “I will wait at my mom’s until we have a place of our own, I’m not breaking up with you I am just tired of being constantly hurt by everyone on that property. I have to go to school online and study graphic design as an alternative to my passion for arhitecture so I could be with my son and be with my husband to tend to his needs of dinner and laundry and companionship aswell as my son needs to drink breast milk and be with his mother since he is just a newborn. This is my first “mairage” my first child. I was just a 21 year old going to Architecture shool at the University of NewSchool of Architecture and Desing when I met my husband for the first time. I became pregnant one month into our dating relationship. I quit school in San Diego two months later moved back to my home town to be with both of our families, since the I believed I needed to grow a more stable relationship for the sake of my unborn son. I got to know my in-laws and my husband’s siblings. I tried so hard to ok and even on a respect basis. But it always failed. When they all met me they kept degrading me to a surrogate, repeating that thank God their son finally found a baby machine because they were tired of waiting. At first I thought they were joking. But they were not. Now that my son has been here for 6 months they don’t like me because I don’t give them my son. They don’t believe in God like I do. I always asked how their marriage was? I wanted to know the kind of values my dear new husband had. After a year long relationship I’ve come to find his values are not the one his parents showed him. His parents tell him to hit me, to abuse me, to dominate me. They tell him to take away my son. Thank goodness he doesn’t hit me or abuse me. But I feel like he did try to dominate me, my behavior my career choices,even my nutritional choices he threw away countless items that I would buy at the grocery store for both us and say it was unhealthy when we both know a little bit of chocolate in moderation is not unhealthy. He once said he would move for me, he once said he wanted to have a home with me. I’m waiting for us to get a new place, a place we can call our own a place where I feel safe too. Where none will try to throw away my stuff, my personal stuff. Or my son’s stuff. A place where we can be a family unit. But he sees me “waiting at my mom’s” as a bad thing. I’ve been here three days and each day has created a hole in our relationship. I feel as if I’m in one kingdom full of Hope and longing for him. And hes inside a kingdom with thick stone walls and won’t come out. He hasn’t seen our son or held him in three days. He hasn’t hugged me or kissed me or asked how my day was in three days. What am I supposed to do? Today he was supposed to help me take of our son while I studied. And he said how could he take care of the baby if it is not in his home? I said we could go somewhere (Starbucks,the library) but he got upset and commented “this is how you want to do this ” and he walked away. I have to breastfeed my son. He has a cold/flu because two days ago they gave him four vaccines. How could I let him care for our son away from me. The plan was “you need to help me with our son”.

  16. Wow, thank you. It’s nice to know that i’m not alone. All the adjectives you used to describe yourself are so parallel to me. Badgering, wanting to talk it out right that second, over-talkative, needy. I never knew i was those things either until i got married…and really started looking at myself through my husband’s lens.
    He used to be open to talking, and has started shutting down citing the way the conversation would go because of me. And that he always feels like he’s “in trouble”. Which is SO not the wife I want to be. I’m always reminded that if i want to see change, i must change myself. Sometimes it’s hard to see what needs changing because my ego gets in the way.
    I look forward to reading more of your posts – about to dig in now. Thank you for being vulnerable.

  17. My first marriage ended in divorce over ten years ago and this article sums up so many of our problems. There were other circumstances that made it even more unhealthy. The early years of marriage are SO HARD. I am now remarried and struggling with the same kinds of issues (a quiet husband and his over-eager talkative wife) and I needed this reminder to remain humble and trust the Lord. Even though we are much older (and you would think, WISER) we are still facing the “newlywed” struggles and the added stress of old baggage and blended family issues.

    1. Oh Lynn, I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. You’ve summed up what I tell newlyweds, that newlywed problems become olderwed problems when left unaddressed. I pray you both have access to good counsel (mentor/pastor/counselor) to help you wrestle through the things on your plate. They are certainly many but we are blessed because nothing is too great for our God and two people (sometimes one!) who won’t give up.

  18. This was really good and needed for me. I love the practicality and biblical bases of this. I love the reminder that we as wives will need to spend time with God versus other distractions to occupy us. May God continue to bless you.

    1. Amen Rasheda, glad this was helpful. Yes to more time with God!

  19. CHISOFU BANDA says:

    Wow thanks for this article – I see myself in your description. Thank you for being bibkical. I llike the part where you say “…and a lot of Jesus.” God bless you

  20. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU! for this post. It is a relevant topic that has come and go throughout my five year marriage. I needed a quick tip in my desperate hour of need. You give such life-giving testaments to a hurting wife (or husband) in need of renewal. I have found my voice in you. I know God is well pleased and smiling down on you 🙂

    1. Aww Naona. I am so glad you have been encouraged. God is so good at meeting us at the point of need.

  21. Great Piece for startups and expanding ventures…..marital enterprises i mean. The personal experience makes it quite relatable and doable also. I enjoyed and learned from it. I am a sexologist of sorts and frequently speak to couples on the Bedroom Alter and the dynamics of who we are and the baggage we carry to that alter. We together continuously find ways of bringing a worthy sacrifice to the alter that is acceptable to God and fulfilling to spouses. Good job.Thank you.

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