When You Want To Get Married But You’re Single – 8 Liberating Truths
“I want to get married but I’m single” – what’s a girl to do? Recently, an online Christian personality started a matchmaking thread on Instagram.
How it works is that whenever she puts up a “matchmaking” post, singles drop an introduction in the comments (think dating app profile, just shorter), respond to each other’s comments, slide in the DMs and generally take it up from there.
Lots of singles liked the idea: the posts blew up with thousands of comments. As I read through the introductions however, one thing stood out: the majority were from women.
The women noticed it too. “Where are all the men?” It turns out the men were in the DMs: they were looking at the women’s profiles and striking up conversations privately.
I share this example to illustrate the dilemma many single women face – the longing for marriage but the seeming elusiveness of a meaningful relationship, with potential for marriage.
Today, I want to talk about that unfulfilled desire, but with a twist. I want to dive into what to do when you want to get married but other people, especially married people, don’t get it.
Let’s talk about all the bad advice single women receive from married women when they express a desire for marriage. All too common, singles are on the receiving end of discouraging comments when they express a desire for marriage.
Edit: In case it’s not clear, this post is not a swipe at “matchmaking.” I love the idea of creating opportunities for connection! I’ve thought about doing something similar in the past, but I always arrive at the same conclusion: I know more single women than men. And running a dating App or hosting meetups is a ton of work! Maybe in the future…I’ll keep dreaming!
In this post, we’ll look at the bad advice but we’ll major on the liberating truth that single women should cling to, in form of God-centered self-talk.
If someone dumps on you, you have the ability, through God’s help, to “walk away” from negativity and discouragement in the form of firm boundaries and a healthy self-talk.
Ready?
Let’s jump in!
I want to get married but I’m single: All the bad advice and the truth to believe
1. “Marriage is so hard, you should be happy you’re single.”
You’re likely trying to be encouraging, attempting to rearrange my understanding of marriage based on your experience.
Notwithstanding, this statement denies my honest desires. Inserting yourself as the “reality-checker,” is not only discouraging, it can be harmful.
Is marriage hard sometimes? I imagine so. Is single life hard sometimes? You’d better believe it. Isn’t all life hard sometimes??
If I want to get married but I’m single, resist the urge to regulate my aspirations.
2. “Oh you think you’re busy? Wait till you have a husband and kids!”
There’s a general perception that single people have all the time in the world: that they are wandering through life like calves in a new paddock – happy-go-lucky, without a care, commitment, or schedule.
But guess what, many single people have the opposite problem – they are too busy. They struggle to say “no,” and create healthy routines for themselves.
You see, a couple’s commitments are more easily regulated because of the demands of their relationship and family. Even the church “understands” their family obligations and will not overburden them.
Single people? Not so much. It’s not unusual to have unceasing demands because “you don’t have a family.”
The truth is, you don’t need to be married to be busy. You just need breath. And single people have breath—lots of it.
So marrieds, please understand that a spouse and kids don’t make your life more laborious than others who don’t have your responsibilities.
Please don’t make us feel less busy and unhelpful because that mindset makes it harder to draw on those desperately needed boundaries and peace.
3. “You are single because God is preparing you for marriage.”
It is neither a sin nor a scourge to be single. Singlehood is the natural state of humankind. We are born single; we will die single, we will stand before God as individuals.
Yes, I want to get married but I’m single, and that doesn’t mean I am standing still. My single status is not all I think about!
And preparing?
God refines and perfects His people for Himself, not for other human beings. Certainly, spouses benefit from each other’s growth, but they were never the reason for it. God is the initiator, sustainer, and purpose for the change.
4. “Have fun while you are single because it’s all downhill after that.”
Marriage is what you make of it. It’s a different season, obviously, with new blessings and responsibilities. But we get out of a relationship what we expect out of it.
If we believe marriage is where all our dreams and fun go to die, we are right. If we think married life is just as amazing, as rich and filled with potential, we are also correct.
5. “Husbands are like firstborn sons.”
Sons have mothers. Husbands have wives—two different women with two different roles.
Not that immaturity doesn’t exist. It does. But a healthy evaluation, aka the dating process, helps address and sort out immaturity in “potentials.”
Generally speaking, it’s disrespectful (perhaps the worst kind of self-fulling prophesy?) to apply this label to men.
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6. “Never let a man tell you what to do.”
Well, partnership (which is the foundation of marriage?) has a lot of serving and giving involved.
Anyone who walks into a relationship wearing a giant padlock on their heart and soul are setting themselves up for endless heartache.
The nature of “two becoming one” is two healthy people submitting to each other and becoming better together.
Ps: This does not mean we enable unhealthy decisions or lifestyles.
7. “Always have a plan “B” just in case things don’t work out.“
Secret bank accounts, side conversations, et cetera don’t sound like a great way to foster trust in a relationship. Even regular friendships with family and friends will struggle if we always think, “there’s a chance this won’t work out.”
So instead of planting seeds of secrecy and mistrust in my own heart, it is better use of time to address genuine concerns than apply the “just incase” band aids.
8. “Why is a beautiful girl like you still single?”
It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. We are all in the right season God wants us to be. Marriage and singlehood are both ordained by God.
Also, that is the worst way to build esteem in women.
I want to get married but I’m single ..
It is possible to be single and healthy, to want to be married and not hate being single. I’d love to hear from you! What other “advice” should married women stop giving single women? If you are single, what do you hate to hear?
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Is Masturbation Right For Christian Singles?
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Not a girl, haha. But, for sure, as a single person, and as a single person in Christian circles, you can get LOTS of bad advice.
For instance, “marriage is hard.” I know marriage isn’t necessarily easier than singleness or vice versa. So, many well-meaning married folks try to caution all the singles about it, like they’re the experienced veteran realists, and the newlyweds are the naive, idealistic youngsters. It feels a bit condescending sometimes. Sometimes it seems like “marriage” and “hard” are interchangeable when Christian married folks talk to Christian single folks about it. And some of the pastors or Christians who talk about it this way seem to be joyless Calvinists, haha.
However, when married folks caution singles about marriage, they can sometimes make a bunch of assumptions. They can assume that the singles have no firsthand knowledge of the difficulties. It also assumes that singleness is easy or easier. But these assumptions have their own problems.
Interestingly enough, a lot of research (almost all secular) indicates that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then!
Yes, marriage has its challenges. But there’s enjoyable and good things about marriage, too. Enjoyable and good things that, if you’re single, you simply miss out on. That’s certainly hard, and should be acknowledged.
I think some of this comes from readings of 1 Corinthians 7, where it sometimes seems like Paul is saying that singleness is easier than marriage. Though it seems more like he’s saying that singleness is simpler, or can be simpler, than marriage. But even Paul concedes that singleness isn’t for everyone.
Is marriage worth it? Most of my married friends would say yes. Maybe that’s a better thing to say to singles who are longing for marriage.
It might not be God that’s keeping you single. Is it God’s will for you to either marry or stay single? Who knows? Who knows how much God really involves Himself in these things?
From reading 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose either marriage or singleness. But, of course, we have to bring God into it.
Apparently, for the first few thousand years of human history, it was “God’s plan” for young people to be joined in arranged marriages in their late teens. Then God changed his mind to around 18 or so, with close involvement and vetting from each other’s parents. Then He changed it to be more inclusive of other races and social classes. Then, in the modern age, God decided to change it for many people to the late twenties and early thirties, with little involvement from parents, at least initially. What is going on?
Another strange point about the belief that God ordains people to be single or married: According to many Christians God will introduce you to “The One” at “the right time.” To make things even more confusing, we send a mixed message of how if you do everything right (like don’t have sex) as a single, God will reward you with a happy marriage with the “soulmate” He prepared just for you. So you don’t “earn” it, but you do “earn” it, but it’s all in His timing….or something.
And then we wonder why so many Christian singles are confused, hurt, bitter, unmarried, or struggle with marriage. The Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It’s not even hinted at.
The Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates. In 1 Corinthians 7, it sounds like God gives us the freedom to choose to marry, and to choose a spouse.
Besides, dating is a fairly recent phenomenon. People didn’t “date” in biblical times. Marriages were arranged by families in some way or other for a very long time in human history. I doubt people fretted as much about “soulmates” and “The One” and “trusting in God” and waiting on “God’s timing” back then. These days, in the modern dating world, we do. But are those biblical ideas?
as humans, we aren’t puppets. We can make decisions, and we live in bad, sinful world that affects our lives and sometimes limits our choices. Many Christians assume that, if they marry, it happened because it was “God’s will” and because God wanted to bless them. That answer is easy. If you want to marry and end up not marrying, obviously you’ll struggle with more, and harder, questions. But, apparently, you remain unmarried because God didn’t want you to marry. But that leaves out all sorts of factors.
It also absolves us of responsibility. People are single for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s just bad luck. Sometimes it’s for bad reasons, like lack of maturity, poor financial stewardship, things like that, bad social skills, inability to deal with the opposite sex, etc. Sometimes we just don’t have any candidates around us whoa re marriage material, even if they’re Christians.
These days, lots of people wait longer to get married. Is that a plan that God devised? God “used to” do that when you were 16-22 years old, but now He, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to test us further by letting us all wait an extra ten years or so. Right.
As Christians we often have the shaky idea that anything and everything happening in our lives is God’s will. Sure. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because God wants these things for my life? I get that we to honor God’s sovereignty and all that. It seems like the proper, “spiritual” thing to do. But we can’t understand this, at the end of the day. Unless good things happen, of course, like marrying on our timeline. Those things are obviously God’s will, right? Sure. It’s certainly easier to “thank God” for them.
Maybe God does bring partners into our lives. I don’t really know. But this idea that He delivers the perfect soulmate at exactly the right time seems counterproductive sometimes, as well as shaky. It sounds great, and it’s comforting, but that’s about all it does.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a fallen world that is NOT good. And you might not be single because God wants it that way. It could just be bad luck.
Great article!!! The most horrendous thing was when persons questioned my sexuality (two asked if I was asexual!!!). Happily married now but I was also happily single and desiring marriage. So I will definitely keep this article in mind!
Oh my goodness!! First time I’m hearing that!
Yes to “happily single and desiring marriage”!
I must admit I hate hearing “God is preparing you”- it literally makes my spirit drop. When I hear that my immediate thought is- it’s taken this long to get me ready?? Am I that messed up? What’s wrong with me that it’s taking all this “preparation,” but others apparently are ready as soon as they hit adulthood? It doesn’t make a sister feel good that’s for sure! I’ve just come to the conclusion that I don’t know why I’m still single, and neither do you!
“I don’t know why I’m still single, and neither do you!” I love that! It’s so very true! When I was single, I remember seeing other people get married before me and thinking “…but I am way more mature than they are.. preparation/human being’s impressions on maturity have got nothing to do with being single”
It’s hurtful to hear that statement and I am so sorry 🙁