Intimacy ideas – do you really need gymnastics to have a satisfying, healthy sex life?
This month we have focused on the subject of sex (see links to previous posts below), and I thought I’d tie up with big-picture ideas for better intimacy in marriage.
If you’ve hung around this blog, you know that spicy-tips-to-steam-up-romance-and-sex, is not my forte: I am more of a general-relationship-tips kind of girl.
Photo credit Ornella Binni
However, I’ve picked a few tips and ideas along the way and I hope these intimacy ideas will inspire your happily-ever-after!
For wives who are the higher drive spouse, these thoughts might not work for you, all though you are welcome to read on. But I do have posts written specifically for your situation, and you can check them out here
- To the wife with the higher sex drive,
- When your husband has lower libido
Before we dive in, a few caveats:
- It’s okay not to want sex: as a married woman, consent is still a thing. If you don’t want to have sex because you’re tired, sick, or just not into it in the moment, that’s okay too and you should have that conversation with your husband. These 15 intimacy ideas are not meant to guilt you into having sex when you don’t want to because that’s counter-everything we’re trying to achieve here. Now, because you want a healthy marriage (which includes a sex life), you might want to go ahead and address underlying issues.
- There are times when sex should be taken off the table. Where there’s abuse, addiction, manipulation, if your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure, you should absolutely take sex off the table. Please talk to a licensed counselor for help. Also check out these great books (aff links) The Great Sex Rescue and The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex.
If you’re in an overall healthy marriage, filled with mutual care for one another (generally and sexually) and without further ado, here are 15 straightforward ideas to consider for better intimacy in marriage!
1. Eat your vegetables
And other whole food that is good for your health! Not the sexiest tip, I know, but I have discovered that what I eat affects how I feel and how I think about everything, including the bedroom.
Most of us tend to eat to satiate hunger or tease our taste buds. Which is all great but we forget that food is actually fuel for the body.
Think about a car; it needs gas to run. If for some reason you pull up at a gas station and instead of gas added water because “water is liquid too,” how far do you think your car will run?
In the same way, the kind of fuel we splash into our bodies matter. The type of food we eat affects our mood, energy and libido.
Over processed, high sugar, fried foods will make you slow and lethargic, not the exact feelings that inspire better intimacy.
So consider what you eat on a consistent basis and purpose to eat more whole food than junk, more real water than sodas. This simple tweak can do wonders for your libido!
2. Create and enforce boundaries
Many people need a reasonable gap between the work day and home life to be able to enjoy life at home, which includes better intimacy with our spouses.
But we live in a noisy world, where intrusions have become standard for most families. It’s something I struggle with often, since I work from home; it’s just more challenging to create a work/home distinction when your office is also your dining table.
I am reminded often, that wanting a relaxed evening is different from making sure I am doing my best to have one. If you want better intimacy, you have to be become almost fanatical about creating a calmer environment. That means saying “no” to a lot of good things, like chatting, social media, certain hobbies e.t.c
For more ideas, see this post >>5 Ways To Plan Your Day So You Have The Margin For Physical Intimacy<<
3. Facilitate body talk
Granted you or your guy might need personal time to decompress after a long day. But after decompressing, consider sticking close to each other. Start connecting.
I’ve found that our bodies have a natural language of their own; we don’t have to exert ourselves all the time!
For example, simply sharing the couch when watching TV, holding his gaze across the room and smiling, rubbing his leg as you read, snoozing on his lap, playing footsie under the dining table can keep the connection and warmth going. Which make it easier to transition to better things later on! So let your bodies talk!
4. Let go of a clean sink
And other evening chores. I am all for schedules and plans; in fact, I am happiest when I can wake up to a clean sink and a tidy living room.
But tidy-in-the-morning sometimes means busy-the-night-before. Instead of winding down, some of my evening schedules wind me up. For better sex, consider going out of your regular (and tiring) evening routines sometimes! It’s okay if the dishes aren’t put away now. Laundry can wait till the weekend.
Instead of “abandoning” your couple-time, use your evening to actually relax and bond; save and fire up your energy for better things later on!
5. Initiate sex
Sex in marriage is husband and wife kinda thing. Period. It’s okay to initiate, tell him and show him want you want.
6. Address underlying issues
If you want better intimacy with hubby, you must address issues that hinder enjoyment. Sex does not improve through band-aid solutions. So try and address those issues outside the bedroom (or inside) which affect your libido.
Make an appointment with a doctor. Talk to a counselor. Do your research. Exercise. Eat healthier. Tell him what you like and don’t like. Do your part to make sex feel good.
I love Sheila Gregoire’s Boost Your Libido Course, for which I am an affiliate partner. If you are not liking sex anymore, would like to figure out how to make it feel great again, (or you are wondering what in the world you signed up in the bedroom as a new wife,) I recommend you take a look at the 10-week online course (which you take at your own pace!) >> Click here<<
7. Change up locations
Or something else that is outside your usual routine. Sex can be awesome in and of itself but it’s also very repetitive; activities that were once exciting can become a little frayed and in need of renovation!
You might not be the most romantic/friskiest/creative lover (I am not), but you can make, or flow along with, little tweaks and adjustments to regular routines. Here’s some intimacy ideas:
- If you always make love facing the headboard (top of the bed), try and face the other way.
- Pull up in front of a full length mirror and give yourselves a show.
- Sit on a chair and try a new routine.
- Touch each other in new ways.
Like I always say, you don’t have to swing from the chandeliers to have a great marriage or better your sex life: little tweaks and additions can go a long way!
8. Tease each other
The dictionary defines teasing as “an attempt to provoke a person in a playful way.” In this case, it’s arousing desires without looking like you are trying to!
An example – and this works great if you don’t have kids or other humans around the house – slip into your sexy piece of clothing (or whatever works; perhaps a regular t-shirt that scarcely covers your essentials is a whole thing) on a lazy Saturday morning.
And then get busy around the house. Vacuum the carpet, dust surfaces, wash dishes. Keep crossing his line of view as you work but keep a straight face and attitude. Chances are, it won’t be long before he gets ideas! When he does, slap on your innocent face and stretch it some more!
Fun, play and laughter can change the whole texture of intimacy.
9. Get away
Apparently, vacation sex is fabulous for a lot of couples. For others (like me), it is not always amazing because we tend to max out our energy with too much activity!
Still, there’s something about being away that freshens up our relationship like nothing else!
So consider, going away, (even if you stay in town!) to better your intimacy. Gayle, of Calm Healthy Sexy blog has a great post on how to have vacation sex, right at home. >> How to have vacation sex, even when you are not on vacation
10. Stroke his manhood
As in, egg him on. It doesn’t have to be directly related to the bedroom and that’s the point! Consider ideas that are unrelated and then make a connection!
Some men love fixing problems, especially when they belong to their wives! (Wives love “fixing” things for their guys too so this is not gendered at all!)
It is okay to work through things together: It’s called partnership. So after you’re done working through the problem, you can wrap up with a sexy comment about his intelligence. If you want, you can even go the whole nine yards and race each other to the bedroom.
A little spice, a play of words, sexy touch that is connected to his (or your) bettering your lives can put a swing in both your hearts!
11. Intimacy Ideas: Daydream about sex!
Because sex begins in the mind for most women, we have to get smart about advance preparation. I talk about in my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years.
“The same way you don’t fix an elaborate meal when your guests are seated at the dining table waiting to be served is the same way you can’t wait until the last minute to start thinking about lovemaking. Try to tee off earlier. Spare a minute or two (or ten!) to think about yourselves during the day. Linger on there, what you like, how he makes you feel, what he did last night. Think about what you need to do today to have that again. Maybe you need to get home earlier to fix dinner (together, even better!) so you have more relaxed time. Perhaps you need to work through a prior concern to be fully present and connected. Whatever it is, make a habit of thinking about sex intimacy before sexual intimacy..” excerpt Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever after in the Early Years
12. Develop a secret language
My husband and I default to Swahili, one of our tribal languages when talking in public. It’s the most intimate thing to speak in a language that is only familiar to us; to be in on something, while the rest of the world chugs by, oblivious.
We took this further and over the years have developed a secret language for intimacy. We can carry on a conversation, in plain English and anyone listening will believe we are talking about something else!
If words/private provocateur is your thing, consider a creative language! And then use it, inside and outside the bedroom! Think about your favorite movie, sensual memories, romantic places e.t.c and use those as the foundation for “coding” your language!
13. Get your sweet on.
I once read that using certain tones in marriage can be a turn on. Or at least fosters tender feelings from each other.
I thought it was a little weird until I realized television and the visual/hearing arts world had known the secret all along; they tease our ears with different auditory experiences depending on the feeling they want to evoke from us. So consider how to inject those into your sex life!
14. Clean up the bedroom
If you have jump over clothes, baskets, remove a pile from the bed, sniff the pillow case, throw bed-sheets on it, then perhaps you need to follow the mom’s advice and “clean up your room!”
Clutter is not only distracting and tiring, it’s also one more hurdle to sex! If you have to clean up to make love, you will feel less inclined to make love. So add this to your list of intimacy ideas: make your bedroom a refuge; a peaceful, inviting oasis for yourselves, something that speaks of your desire for better intimacy.
Keep it clean. Change the bedding often. Get softer lighting. You don’t need elaborate rugs, fancy wall decor or furniture to make a sweet restful retreat.Just work with what you have (keep it clean, orderly) and then build from there.
15. More intimacy ideas: Have sex!
Often, libido is a “use it” or “lose it” type of thing. The less sex we have, the less we’re inclined to want it. And when we get it, the harder it might be to get physically ready for intercourse.
And if we get around to intercourse, the more uncomfortable, even painful it’s likely to be because our bodies are starting from scratch every single time.
Maint-sex keeps your engine “idling” and pays off for those times you are ready to jump in! Plus lovemaking (orgasm for women!) boosts our ‘bonding” hormones, which is a huge plus all round!
Naturally, if there are medical conditions, marital and sexual issues that make sex challenging, please please address those first. Make sure to read these posts;
- When Your Husband Only Wants You Sexually: Your First 5 Steps
- Do You Owe Your Husband Sex? Duty Sex in Marriage
- 5 Things I Wish I knew About Healthy Sex in Marriage
And those are my 15 intimacy ideas for better sex! Obviously there’s a whole lot I haven’t covered, and I would love to hear from you! What can you add to the list? Let’s chat in the Comments!