Better intimacy – is it out of reach for most wives?
This month we have focused on the subject of sex (see links to previous posts below), and I thought I’d tie up with big-picture ideas for better intimacy in marriage.
If you’ve hung around this blog, you know that spicy-tips-to-steam-up-romance-and-sex, is not my area of gifting; I am more of a general-relationship-tips kind of girl.
Photo credit Ornella Binni
However, I’ve picked a few tips and ideas a long the way and I hope these inspire you to better your intimacy!
For wives who are the higher drive spouse, these thoughts might not work for you, all though you are welcome to read on.
But I do have posts written specifically for your situation, and you can check them out here
For the rest and without further ado, here are 15 straightforward ideas to consider for better intimacy in marriage!
1. Eat your vegetables
And other whole food that is good for your health! Not the sexiest tip, I know, but I have discovered that what I eat affects how I feel and how I think about everything, including the bedroom.
Most of us tend to eat to satiate hunger or tease our taste buds. Which is all great but we forget that food is actually fuel for the body.
Think about a car; it needs gas to run. If for some reason you pull up at a gas station and instead of gas added water because “water is liquid too,” how far do you think your car will run?
In the same way, the kind of fuel we splash into our bodies matter. The type of food we eat affects our mood, energy and libido.
Over processed, high sugar, fried foods will make you slow and lethargic, not the exact feelings that inspire better intimacy.
So consider what you eat on a consistent basis and purpose to eat more whole food than junk, more real water than sodas. This simple tweak can do wonders for your libido!
2. Create and enforce boundaries
Most women need a reasonable gap between the work day and home life to be able to enjoy life at home, which includes better intimacy with our husbands.
But we live in a noisy world, where intrusions have become standard for most families. It’s something I struggle with often, since I work from home; it’s just more challenging to create a work/home distinction when your office is also your dining table.
I am reminded often, that wanting a relaxed evening is different from making sure I am doing my best to have one. If you want better intimacy, you have to be become almost fanatical about creating a calmer environment.
That means saying “no” to a lot of good things, like chatting, social media, certain hobbies e.t.c
For more ideas, see this post >>5 Ways To Plan Your Day So You Have The Margin For Physical Intimacy<<
3. Facilitate body talk
Granted your guy (or you) might need personal time to decompress after a long day. But after decompressing, stick close to one another.
I’ve found that our bodies have a natural language of their own; we don’t have to exert ourselves all the time!
For example, simply sharing the couch when watching TV, rubbing his leg as you read, snoozing on his lap, playing footsie under the dining table all keep the connection and warmth going.
Which make it easier to transition to better things later on! So let your bodies talk!
4. Let go of a clean sink
And other evening chores. I am all for schedules and plans; in fact, I am happiest when I can wake up to a clean sink and a tidy living room.
But tidy-in-the-morning often means busy-the-night-before. Instead of winding down, some of my frantic evening schedules wind me up.
For better sex, consider going out of your regular evening routines! It’s okay if the dishes aren’t put away now. Laundry can wait till the weekend.
Instead of “abandoning” your couple-time, use your evening to actually relax and bond; save and fire up your energy for better things later on!
5. Initiate sex more often
The plus of initiating sex?
– It tells your man he’s wanted. Many husbands already feel like their wives don’t like sex that much. Initiating more often makes him feel loved and desirable!
– It puts you in charge of the show. Sometimes when sex is complicated, we believe the answer is to have less of it, certainly not initiate any! But flipping the script and taking charge can boost your confidence, particularly when you see the powerful effects you have on him!
If intercourse is frequently uncomfortable, initiating puts you in charge of activities and the actual mechanics. And that’s great for your libido and confidence!
J Parker, of Hot Holy Humorous blog has a great post on ways to initiate sex with your hubby. Check out 40 ways to initiate sex with your husband
6. Address underlying issues
This is obvious, but it deserves a mention. If you want better intimacy with hubby, you have to address issues that hinder enjoyment.
Sex does not improve through band-aid solutions, all though band-aids can be helpful for a season. But a marriage cannot survive on band-aid sex forever.
So try and address those issues outside the bedroom (or inside) which affect your libido.
Make an appointment with a doctor. Talk to a counselor/mentor/pastor. Do your research. Exercise. Eat healthier. Tell him what you like and don’t like. Do your part to make sex feel good.
I love Sheila Gregoire’s Boost Your Libido Course, for which I am an affiliate partner.
If you are not liking sex anymore, would like to figure out how to make it feel great again, (or you are wondering what in the world you signed up in the bedroom as a new wife,) I recommend you take a look at the 10-week online course (which you take at your own pace!) >> Click here<<
7. Change up locations
Or something else that is outside your usual routine. Sex can be awesome in and of itself but it’s also very repetitive; activities that were once exciting can become a little frayed and in need of renovation!
You might not be the most romantic/friskiest/creative lover (I am not), but you can make, or flow along with, little tweaks and adjustments to regular routines.
Like if you always make love facing the headboard (top of the bed) try facing the other way. Pull up in front of a full length mirror and give yourselves a show. Sit on a chair and try a new routine. Touch him in a new way.
Like I always say, you don’t have to swing from the chandeliers to have a great marriage or better your sex life; little tweaks and additions go a long, long way!
For practical ideas on how to better your sex life, check out Sex Chat for Christian Wives, a podcast by some my favorite Christian sex bloggers.
These four ladies are hilarious, practical and thorough. You might not agree with every position they hold, but I promise, you will come away with newfound insights. Or at least affirmation for some of the things you go through in your love life!
8. Tease him
The dictionary defines teasing as “an attempt to provoke a person in a playful way.” In our case, it’s arousing his desire without looking like you are trying to.
An example – and this works great if you don’t have kids or other humans around the house; slip into your skimpy/sexy piece clothing (or whatever works for him; perhaps a regular t-shirt that scarcely covers your essentials is his thing) on a lazy Saturday morning.
And then get busy around the house! Vacuum the carpet, dust surfaces, wash dishes. Keep crossing his line of view as you work but keep a straight face and attitude.
Chances are, it won’t be long before he gets ideas! When he does, slap on your innocent face and stretch it some more!
Fun, play and laughter can change the whole texture of intimacy. Love making stops being that thing we struggle to want to something we like, simply because we enjoy the things that come before the act.
9. Get away
Apparently, vacation sex is fabulous for a lot of couples. For others (like me), it is not always amazing because we tend to max out our energy with too much activity!
Still, there’s something about being away that freshens up our relationship like nothing else!
So consider, going away, (even if you stay in town!) to better your intimacy. Gayle, of Calm Healthy Sexy blog has a great post on how to have vacation sex, right at home. >> How to have vacation sex, even when you are not on vacation
10. Stroke his manhood
As in, egg him on. Most men love to fix problems, especially when the problems belong to their wives!
A man who is feeling confident in his ability to satisfy you outside the bedroom feels rather optimistic about his ability to fulfill you inside it!
So allow him to fix things! Present a problem and ask for his help. And after he’s done, spice up your thanks with a sexy comment about his intelligence and ability. You might even decide to go the whole nine yards and race him to the bedroom.
A little spice, play of words, sexy touch that is connected his fixing your life will put a swing in his step, and a pep in your own heart!
11. Daydream about sex
Because sex begins in the mind for most women, we have to get smart about advance preparation. I talk about in my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years.
The same way you don’t fix an elaborate meal when your guests are seated at the dining table waiting to be served is the same way you can’t wait until the last minute to start thinking about lovemaking. You must tee off earlier. Spare a minute or two (or ten!) to think about yourselves during the day. Linger on there, what you like, how he makes you feel, what he did last night. Think about what you need to do today to have that again. Maybe you need to get home earlier to fix dinner so you can have more relaxed time together. Perhaps you need to apologize and make up. Whatever it is, make a habit of thinking about sex earlier so you can stir anticipation and get yourself in a sexier frame of mind.” excerpt Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever after in the Early Years
Make sure you are telling yourself fabulous stories about your sex life!
12. Develop a secret language
My husband and I default to Swahili, one of our native languages when talking in public.
It’s the most intimate thing to speak in a language that is only familiar to us; to be in on something, while the rest of the world chugs alongside, oblivious.
We took this further and over the years have developed a secret language for intimacy. We can carry on a conversation, in plain English and anyone listening will believe we are talking about something else!
If words/private provocateur is your thing, consider a creative language! And then use it, inside and outside the bedroom to stoke your fires!
Think about your favorite movie, sensual memories, romantic places e.t.c and use those as the foundation for “coding” your language!
13. Get your sweet girly on
I once read that using a sweeter, more girly voice with hubby is a fire starter. Or at least fosters tender feelings from him.
I thought it was a little weird until I realized television and the visual/hearing arts world had known the secret all along; they tease our ears with different auditory experiences depending on the feeling they want to evoke from us.
My thinking is that a girlier/sweeter voice is disarming; perhaps it makes a husband feel strong and needed.
So consider how softness and sweetness as an attitude is a plus for your sex life.
Ps. From hindsight: As a child, I used to wonder why my mum spoke differently to my dad. She had a higher pitch, younger-sounding voice when they talked, compared to the fast, heavy tone of voice she used on us!
14. Clean up the bedroom
If you have jump over clothes, baskets, remove a pile from the bed, sniff the pillow case, throw bed-sheets on it, then perhaps you need to follow your mum’s advice “clean up your room!”
Clutter is not only distracting and tiring, it’s also one more hurdle to sex! If you have to clean up to make love, you will feel less inclined to make love!
So think about ways to make your bedroom a refuge; a peaceful, inviting oasis for you and your husband, something that speaks of your desire for better intimacy.
Keep it clean and fresh. Change the bedding often. Get softer lighting. You don’t need elaborate rugs, fancy wall decor or furniture to make a sweet restful retreat.
Just work with what you have (keep it neat and orderly) and then build from there!
15. Have sex for better intimacy!
Libido is mostly a “use it or lose it” type of thing. The less sex a woman has, the less she’s inclined to want it. And when she gets to it, the harder it might be to get physically ready for intercourse.
And when she gets around to intercourse, the more uncomfortable, even painful it’s likely to be because her body is starting from scratch every single time.
The solution? More sex! Not just when you want, but even when you don’t. If that makes you feel so sorry, consider it “maintenance intimacy.” (I told you we’ll be practical)
Maint-sex keeps your engine “idling” better and pays off for those times you are ready to jump in! Plus lovemaking always boosts your husbands “bonding” hormones, which is a huge plus for you!
(J Parker has a great post, illustrating how sex and friendship form a loop! Read it here)
Naturally, if there are medical conditions or other marital issues that make sex challenging, address those too/first. But understand that higher frequency helps you want to make love more often and improves the overall feel.
And those are my 15 tips for better intimacy! Obviously there’s a whole lot I haven’t covered, and I would love to hear from you! What can you add to the list? Let’s chat in Comments!
Learn how God wired you for sexual intimacy in marriage so you can feel closer to your husband and enjoy love making! The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage is no-fluff, down-to-earth book to help the newly married and engaged woman become sexually confident in marriage. Plus it teaches you how to keep sex fabulous beyond the newlywed years! Buy the book Kindle I Paperback I Nook I PDF I PDF UK & Europe. Or Click here to go to book page.
Past posts in the series