What Does It Mean To Be Intentional In Your Marriage? (Clarity For Wives)
What does it mean to be intentional in your marriage?
He said I was a snob. We were on our first date. Well, “two church friends chatting over tea and fries” as our missionary fundamentalist church didn’t allow dating.
The friendship didn’t last, but the idea that to be clear-eyed = snobbish did. And although I held my head high and decided “Intentional” would always be my middle name, the indictment wrapped around my heart like a musty cloth.
Today, I’m delighted to host Ketsia Gustave to share about intentionality in marriage. Ketsia is a friend, a fellow blogger, a coach on a mission to help women thrive in marriage without losing themselves.
I invited Ketsia to share what it means to be intentional in marriage because, too often in conservative evangelical spaces, being intentional in relationships can have a different meaning altogether.
Here’s Ketsia
What Does it Mean to be Intentional in your Marriage?
A healthy marriage is an intentional partnership. It is cultivated when both spouses consistently contribute to the relationship, physically, and spiritually.
But what does that look like?
Because oftentimes, wives in dysfunctional or even abusive marriages seek help and get told “You just need to do your part no matter what,” or “Just submit to him, pray, and allow God to change his heart on His time, not yours!”
This advice actually enables toxic behavior instead of changing it. So let’s dive into what being intentional in your marriage means (and what it doesn’t).
What it Means To Be Intentional in Your Marriage: Partnership
In a healthy marriage, both spouses actively contribute to the well-being of the relationship. Both spouses get involved in the decision-making processes that impact the life you’re building together.
And each spouse is mindful of how their actions impact the other. Imagine going into business with someone, only for them to inform you they will not be investing any of their own time or money after you’ve signed the papers!
Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
Yet this is the expectation that many churches and families place on women. Women get told, “You’re entering a partnership, but don’t expect your spouse to contribute in any way if he doesn’t want to. Let God handle it.” This is backwards.
In a true partnership, both spouses contribute to agreed-upon responsibilities and expectations. If one partner is under-contributing, and the other partner over-contributes in response, balance can only be reached if the partner who isn’t contributing enough decides to contribute more.
When the effort put into the relationship is no longer mutual, it is no longer a partnership. It is a burden.
What it Means To Be Intentional in Your Marriage: Cultivated Friendship
Another aspect of an intentional marriage is friendship. In a genuine friendship, you both enjoy spending time together.
You both feel comfortable opening up about your deepest joys and fears. And you both delight in showing one another kindness and care.But how do you cultivate this kind of friendship in your marriage?
- Make time to “study” each other.
Set aside pockets of uninterrupted time to have conversations where you ask each other questions ranging from your favorite childhood memories and biggest fears to funny things that happened that week and the highs and lows of a day.
- Try something new together.
Travel to a destination neither of you has visited before. Find a new recipe to make together. Read a book or listen to a podcast together. Think of these simple adventures as deposits in the emotional bank account of your relationship.
Simply sharing a house, kids, and responsibilities won’t nurture your love. Each partner must commit to practicing these habits consistently in order to cultivate friendship in the marriage.
Thoughtfulness
When spouses have a deep understanding of each other, they are equipped to make one another’s lives easier and more joyful with thoughtfulness.
My husband and I are both neurodivergent. I have ADHD and he has an obsessive-compulsive personality. Organization and prioritization of tasks are not my strong suit and I get overwhelmed very quickly when there is lots to do.
Blessedly, these are my husband’s strengths so he helps me tweak my schedule so I don’t stretch myself too thin. We make room in our budget for my special interests and need for spontaneity. He also does the little tasks I tend to forget.
Likewise, I know my husband gets overwhelmed by chaotic environments and needs alone to recharge after a long day of therapy sessions. So I make sure the house is quiet and clean(ish) when he gets home. We have a TV in our bedroom so he can relax alone. And on especially long days, I have a lavender bath ready for him after work.
I like to think of these acts of thoughtfulness as mutual thoughtfulness. It’s the little things you do to show one another you care. It’s the temporary surrender of comfort to make one another feel seen.
Thoughtfulness vs Entitlement
Too often, submission is overemphasized to wives while husbands are taught they are in charge.
This creates a dynamic where husbands are entitled and selfish partners who take their wives for granted. They believe their wives exist only to make their lives easier, with no sense of responsibility to do the same.
Those kinds of marriages are often the result of bad theology. That’s why I use thoughtfulness instead of submission when I describe this aspect of a healthy marriage.
When one partner’s needs are consistently prioritized at the expense of the other, it is abuse. We need to name this because there are too many wives who think they are being submissive when they are actually being abused.
Lundy Bancroft, a consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment, describes entitlement in his book (aff) Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:
“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” …..He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means her own needs-or her children’s-get neglected.”
A posture of entitlement is in direct opposition to the posture of Jesus.
Christ himself was like God in everything. But he did not think that being equal with God was something to be used for his own benefit. Philippians 2:6, NCV. Jesus didn’t tote his divine status over anyone. Instead, he used it to heal, serve, and advocate.
Whenever his disciples bickered over position and authority, he reminded them to focus on serving the people they were leading.
“But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant. (Matthew 20: 25-26, NLT)
Jesus called out the hierarchical nature of the society he lived in, and subverted that hierarchy within his circle of influence. He wants us to do the same.
In a world where toxic masculinity and abuse of power abounds, marriage among believers should demonstrate equality and service.
A Mantra for an Intentional Marriage
Religious conditioning is hard to unlearn even when you know it’s wrong.
My prayer is for you to understand the difference between being intentional in marriage, and dysfunction or abuse. My prayer is for you to see that you deserve a marriage that is full of mutuality, connection, and thoughtfulness.
Start small. Be consistent. Be courageous. And watch yourself bloom.
The word “courage,” when it is attached to a woman, is not a favorite thing in patriarchal circles. Submissive” “Content” “Joyful” “Gentle” “Quiet” ” Graceful” “Homemaker” “Charming” (but not too much) are preferred. The good news is that you don’t have to fold yourself into their harmful box. You can bloom. Get the clarity and affirmation you need to take courageous steps. Order Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul on Amazon I PDF
About Writer: Ketsia Gustave is a blogger, wife, mom, and most importantly, FREE daughter of God. Raised in the Seventh-Day Adventist church and born to Haitian parents, she advocates healing generational trauma and deconstruction of harmful theology that oppresses women and BIPOC. You can follow her here.