“Is he the right guy for me?” is a common dilemma for single women.
I am familiar with the question because I wrestled with the waiting and hoping that comes with new relationships.
Besides (the very vague and very unhelpful) “you will just know”, I wanted more practical answers to help me figure out if he is the right guy for me.
Now most married women will tell you that what you see before the wedding, is what you get after the wedding. While we can grow and hopefully become better spouses after “I Do,” we cannot (or let me say, should not ) marry someone based on that hope.
When it comes to finding the right person for you, you have to go in knowing “If I cannot live with him the way he is right now, he might not be the guy for me”
So let’s look at what to look for in a guy. Because foundations are important.
I can’t think of a better to answer the question is he the right guy for me question than to share how I knew my husband was the right one for me.
Is He The Right Guy For Me? 5 Thoughts To Help You Make Smart Relationship Decisions
1. He loves God
You’ve heard the popular saying “Run hard after God and if he can keep up, say hi.” I’ll add, if he overtakes you, even better!
My biggest attraction to Tommy was his complete devotion to God. Not a Sunday-church love, but a devout zeal, coupled with brokenness and obedience.
In my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years I talk about the unbelieving believer; this is the type of person who wants all the benefits of a relationship with God but not the sacrifice or obedience.
When weighing if a man is right for you, think Sunday-through-Monday. Does his life line up with his mouth? Does he walk the talk? If he’s not walking the talk, don’t try to be his personal missionary.
You are not God and cannot change his heart. Let God do his work and you stay out of it. If a man is not completely devoted to God, how will he be devoted to you?
2. He has vision
At one point, I thought I would never get married because God had given me this huge vision for my life. I told God “I cannot leave this vision for a man. I can’t get married because a husband might have a problem with my dreams.”
And I felt like God told me
Marry a man who dreams your dream. Then you will have no problem being partners because you’ll both be dreaming the same dream and moving in the same direction”
Talk about a Hallelujah moment!
Are you planning to go somewhere, make something for yourself? Then make sure the man you are seeing has a vision. Remember this guy will be a priest of your home. If you don’t like the direction he’s heading now (or maybe he’s not heading anywhere at all *gasp*), then take two steps back and out of the door.
If God has wired you for something, He will bring the right man to complement and encourage and challenge. God is not the author of confusion. Doesn’t mean the guy will be perfect and fully operating in the vision at that moment.
But he has to have a mental image of where he wants to go and you need to see yourself supporting him (and him supporting you.)
3. When asking is he the right guy for me, he has character
It’s not enough to have a vision, you need character to go with it! There are many rich successful people, even big visionaries, with no character whatsoever.
I watched how Tommy treated others (he is kinder than I am!), how he talked about his mom and sisters, how he treated my sister and girlfriends. I listened as he talked about business and work and ministry.
And my ears and heart were blessed because He was a man of integrity all round.
Now some women believe that money can make up for where a man is lacking in character. If that’s you, I invite you to try sleeping next to a wand of cash.
Because that’s how your life in marriage will feel if you chose a success/money over character. You’ll get a whole lot of dough and no love and moral uprightness.
4. His quirks delight you
Tommy had peculiarities, which delighted me. The way he spoke, the way he walked, the way he ate, his laughter, his deep rich voice, the little vein on his forehead that popped when he was stressed or upset…
His normal was my exquisite.
To answer the is he the right guy for me question, think of chemistry. You have to like your guy! Absolutely undoubtedly, in love.
Sometimes single women say they are in love but when they talk about the guy, the line is horizontal – no warmth, no mush, no sweetness, no giggles, not softness. Their heart is not taken.
If you are always asking yourself if you are really in love with the guy, then maybe you are not? I am going out on a limb here but I think when you are genuinely truly besotted, you won’t be asking yourself too many questions because you’ll know!
Generally speaking, you should have more moments of “I love this guy” than “I am not sure.”
If you can’t stand most of who he is, can’t fathom spending the rest of your life listening to his stories, looking at his face, watching the way he chews his food, then maybe you haven’t found the right one yet. And that’s okay!
5. Someone you respect thinks he might be the right guy for you
Anytime a single lady tells me they want to marry someone, I want to know if they’ve talked to someone else about it. Specifically if they have talked to a pastor and mentor or parent and what they think about it.
Tommy and I met each other at our local church and while it took two years to actually start a serious friendship, we made a bee line for our pastors the moment things started to feel serious.
We wanted to know what our pastors thought. I know this might be radical but had my pastor or his pastor said “I don’t think she/he is the right one”, we would have listened.
Because we trusted them, they knew us individually more than we knew each other.
Don’t go into courtship alone. Trust me, there’s stuff you don’t know about committed relationships. You want allies, people who are looking out for you. Inviting others in will be hard on your ego, but the benefit is so worth it!
And don’t be the kind of person who merely informs the pastor, instead of involving them right from the beginning. Don’t go to them with “please rubber-stamp this for me, will ya” attitude. If you go to a pastor or mentor with a closed heart, you can’t be helped.
Remember, falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is harder! You need all the help you can get!
Next week, we’ll be looking at 4 additional tips to help you make a relationship decision. Update. Click here to read Part 2 of Is He The Right Guy For Me? 4 Signs He’s The Right One
But before I pen off…
During my prayer time this morning, I started to weep as I thought about my single days. I remembered how some people laughed and said I would never get married because I was such a church girl.
How I turned down dates and ached and cried in the house because I still wanted to get married someday.
I remember the years of going hard after the Lord, throwing myself into ministry and having the Lord fill me to overflowing.
I wept because it now makes sense. I see what the Lord was doing. Hindsight is a blessed teacher. I could not fully appreciate the value of learning to say no to the flesh, of keeping Christ first, of loving and serving others, of being filled and being happy and satisfied as a single person.
I could not understand the value of everything back them because it was my daily existence and sometimes you just put one foot in-front of the other.
But the kind of marriage I have today is directly related to how I lived my life as single girl. I allowed the Lord to fill me and lead me even when I did not understand. He saw the future I could not see, He GPS-ed my life to now. No experience, pain, frustration or tear has been wasted. He has made all things work out for good.
Girlfriend, God knows what He is doing. Even when you don’t understand it or like it. It’s true that obedience hurts, holiness is not easy. But in the end, it’s so worth it. I am not saying God will reward you with a good man if you are a good girl (please read this post)
The benefit of living for God (its reward) is God Himself. Whether you get married or not, the joy of looking back and being able to say “My God, you are good” because you realize that God is enough is beyond anything we can imagine.
I pray that you are encouraged to wait well and to make choices that glorify God. Don’t go for instant gratification cos boy that feeling goes fast. And you wake up and you have to live with the consequences. Go for God. He will never fail you. Click here to read Part 2 of the series.
Question – What can you add? If you are married, what qualities drew you to your spouse? Let’s chat in Comments!
And if you think you’ve found “the one”, my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years can put you on the road to a great marriage! Buy it here Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF