When a woman is stressed out and frustrated, a natural inclination is to try and “talk it out”.
If the listener is her husband, his most natural reaction is to try and “fix” the situation for her.
For him, fixing her problem is simply a way to expresses his concern and love for her.
But for the wife and in moments of distress, being “fixed” is the last thing she wants.
I was reminded of this the other day when I asked my husband to look at a blog post draft I’d spent the day working on.
I approached my husband with
“Babe could you look at this post and tell me what you think? Have I handled the topic well?“
But what I actually meant was
“Please read through the post and affirm me”
My husband is not a mind reader of course.
And being a great husband, he quickly snapped on his knight armor.
And seconds later pointed out a typo.
On the first paragraph.
A typo, really?
My mind worked overtime, imagining how my post and heart were about to be shredded to pieces. (my beloved has a wonderful perfectionist eye.)
My pride and defenses were sky high.
I sat at the end of our couch, debating whether to end the conversation with a sling-shot response (yes I confess, to my shame).
Or to be the grown up wife I was supposed to be and graciously accept his correction and press through to get what I wanted in the first place; an honest opinion (cloaked in affirmation)
Loving you the way I know to..
Most husbands are not trying to be insensitive or rude and unfeeling when they try to solve problems for their wives.
They are just being husbands; trying to make life easier for the one the love, rescuing her from her distress.
Since that small discourse with my husband, I’ve been asking myself why I don’t allow him to fix some of my problems more often.
(Just so you know I had done several edits and completely missed out that typo!)
So I’ve been thinking, what if as wives, we stopped fighting our husbands’ “knighthood” and just allowed them to love us the way they know best?
Instead of getting upset about their seeming “insensitivity”, what if we just grew up a little bit, allowed them into our little disasters and challenges?
Probably they’d even be at a better position to really listen, since they would not be smarting from our rebuffs.
Better shores..
By God’s grace, my little discourse ended up well. I decided to be a little grown up about it and thanked him for noticing the typo and edited it.
Then graciously repeated my earlier request, that I wanted an overview of the whole post, not editorial detail.
In the end, he told me that I’d handled the topic well and done a beautiful job of it.
If I’d walked the easier road of irritation and pride, our conversation would have ended up in a different shore.
Question – What do you think, is it okay sometimes to allow our spouses to love us the way they want to, not the way we demand (or are “wired”) to? Can we do a better job of appreciating and celebrating each others different loving styles? Please share your thoughts in Comments!
I am so glad I found this post – I identify with it so much. I definitely need to let my husband love me as he knows best. Thanks for calling me out and encouraging me to grow up a bit. 🙂
I am so glad you are encouraged! 🙂
Love Love Love. You splashed me happy today. So delighted to meet you. I hope you don’t mind if I splash around a bit to get to know you. This looks like a refreshing place to dip into some serious goodness.
I would love you to share this post! A group of moms gather each week. I usually post on Mondays, but missed it this week. I start jotting a few notes and then others join in. You can post whenever, doesn’t have to be anything new, it can be a gem nestled in your pages. I get the filled to the brim momma schedules.
Just moms. Sharing our notes. Creating a melody.
http://justsarahdawn.blogspot.com/2013/07/syllable-by-syllable.html
Be blessed,
Sarah
This doesn’t have much to do with the topic of this post, but I’m really glad your husband caught the typo. :^) There are way too many blogs out there that, while I enjoy reading them, I find the typos quite distracting.
Good insight! I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage and 20 years of ministry that not only is it unwise to try to put my us and in my mold – it’s IMPOSSIBLE! I only frustrate myself (& him) in the process!
Thanks for the great post!
Lisa
http://Www.thecourageousjoyrney.com
That’s so true, Lisa. It’s an impossible frustrating job! Thanks for sharing that wisdom, that’s so proven by time and experience.
I think helping husbands understand that it’s not always our job to fix things is an important lesson. A lot of times that is our primary focus – we’re called in to resolve conflict, to analyze a problem, and to provide solutions to the situation.
I wish someone had shared that with me when I was a younger husband – I’m not always supposed to fix and solve, sometimes I just need to listen and affirm.
I like how you’ve explained the primary focus of a husband David.
It does take time to understand that sometimes “fixing and solving” the problem involves just “listening and affirming 🙂
It’s a journey.
I think knowing each others love language is important. When we know and implement our spouses love language it nourishes the marriage. Great post!
Same here! That laser eyes goes far 🙂
Aren’t they a blessing, though? Am learning more and more, to appreciate the shining armor!
Men, just the way they are. My husband often tells me he is not the Holy Ghost, he says to tell him EXACTLY what I mean and want. How difficult can that be for us, lol!
haha Ugochi, I hear you. I tell myself that very often but heeding my own (and God’s) advice is the harder part! Lord help us 🙂 🙂
You had the natural reaction that most of us would have but you ended up realizing and responding right, kudos! Been there too many times but thank Him for His grace!
Indeed, thank God for His grace! Without it, some of us would be toast long time ago!
The interesting thing about your question is once you’ve been married a while, I think you’re amazed at how many ways there are to love you (at least that was the case with me). Many of the things my husband does now to show how much he loves me are things that would not have even been on my radar years ago but now they are what I desire. So the answer to your question is a resounding yes.
That’s so true Fawn. I think it’s like Steve Job said, “the customer doesn’t always know what they want” 🙂 In marriage, it’s in the trying and receiving the new that we learn what we love. Am learning! Thanks for shedding this light my way!
Hehe! Hubby always sees my typos as well. 🙂 But he will more often point out places where the wording is confusing. It’s helpful, yes…..
My man does like to “snap on his shining armor”!
Absolutely! I know there’s all the love languages but I think one way we can show love for our spouse is by letting them love us and express that love in their own way. One thing I’ve noticed after being married for 16 years is that both of our love languages have changed to match each other perfectly!
I love your thoughts on changed love languages. I hadn’t thought about it before but it’s so true. I’ve only been married 5 years (this Aug) but even within these short years, both of us have changed in the way we give and receive love! We are moving closer to “perfection!” You inspire hope!
I think some of it has to do with seasons of life too. For instance with 5 young children running around the house, my wife appreciates just some quiet time much more than she did when we were first married.
I see how seasons influence our needs. it’s such a blessing when we adapt.
This is a Big Yes.. My wife says what you need sometimes they may not know how to do. Is she talking about me? I think she is but I take it with a laugh and we keep moving forward. We all try to do things and read minds, but in the end we compliment each other. God put something together for a reason and it was to love him unconditionally separately but then also love each other like nobody else.
I like this Lincoln “We all try to do things and read minds, but in the end we compliment each other.”. So true, we also mess up too when we try to speak in parables or mindread..but the bottom line is that there’s a reason we are different. To fulfill God’s purpose. So the challenge is to learn and grow so that we can thrive.
Soooo….you obviously spoke to my wife lol! I know…I know…I’m trying to change 😉
Lol. I just mentioned to Loren that it’s true what the bible says..there’s nothing new under the sun! We are all changing and growing (esp at the Otiende house!)
Haha – I think you must have been spending some time around me and my wife. You just described our issues to a T.
One thing that has helped us is for me to ask her, “Do you just want me to listen or do you want me to fix something?” And then of course her being understanding.
That’s the same thing I said Loren…she obviously has a camera in my home somewhere smh 😉
haha!
ha! i guess it’s true what the Bible says, nothing is new under the sun!
That’s a great way to handle these moments. And super brave as well! I see it as “advance-commitment”. Sometimes we tend to get lost/enjoy lack of clarity. It helps us get away with much sometimes 🙂
Loren, that’s a great question to ask! It took me a few years to figure out that if I gave my wife options she would usually choose the one that I wanted to do and if she didn’t at least I knew how to make her happy!
Your husbands not a mind reader! (kidding)
I’m guilty of asking one thing of my spouse but meaning something else. As the years pass I’m learning to ask what I really want and to let the small things go.
I’m discovering that as I grow in my walk with Christ, my marriage changes- for the good! Sometimes I don’t even realize the changes God is making in me is actually helping my marriage until much later!
God’s pretty awesome.
TC that’s pretty much what am learning too – how to ask for what i really need and to stop sweating the small stuff. I haven’t arrive yet (clearly!) but am not where I used to be. And it’s so true, as we grow in Christ, our marriages thrive and grow right alongside.
Love the post. I have learned over the years in our marriage how to discern when to help fix something or shut up and listen.
🙂 Awesome place to come to Bernard! Positive that it wasn’t an overnight journey 🙂
Far from being an overnight journey. Still hit some bumps in the road. Work in process.
I hear you 🙂 i think we keep on learning and growing. the moment we believe we’ve “figured out everything”, we find ourselves hitting another level/season in marriage and it’s back to square one 🙂 The past lessons help but we still have to be intentional.
Thanks for your input here, I always appreciate your wisdom and perspective!
Ouch. I’m presently in deep discussion with my husband about how he is seeking to correct me (lovingly, of course!) after I messed up with some acquaintances of ours. The question is what I do to put my actions right and whether I can ‘demand’ certain behaviour from him in support. Interesting topic – we often expect too much of our spouses, don’t we – when it is really only God who can sustain us and meet our needs.
Absolutely agree with you, only God can meet our needs, our spouses can’t. I know that’s not the nicest position to be in right now..i feel your ouch 🙂 It’s a such an opportunity to learn though, to stretch and grow. Not fun but definitely an opportunity nonetheless. 🙂
Ngina, have you seen this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg. It’s a funny movie about men correcting women. 🙂 Loved your example. My husband is also willing to read my blog posts and give me feedback. I appreciate it – but then I’m a “solve the problem” person myself! That helps. 🙂
Someone posted the video on my Facebook page today after reading this post. I hadn’t seen it before! It was so funny and it just explained everything perfectly!
Isn’t it great to have an “editor” of sorts in our spouses 🙂 My husband doesn’t always read the posts before I publish (that was a rare moment) 🙂 but I appreciate when he listens to my ideas and thoughts. And of course when he shares feedback after he reads the published posts!
I saw that video too and couldn’t stop laughing! There’s truth in it.
You really hit on a problem that know one seems to want to address; saying what we mean! We speak in riddles as if testing the other person when we’re really setting them up to fail and our feelings to get hurt. I’m guilty of it too. We’ve been programmed to act roles of indifference and challenge our mates to guess what it is we need! We need to be clear! You’re on to something here, Ngina!
Floyd love what you say about speaking in riddles and testing the other person. I don’t know why we do that! considering we are bound to get hurt in the process too.. The hard part is reprogramming ourselves, with the help of God, to do relationships the right way. Thanks for adding this fresh perspective.
My goodness! God knows I need help on this issue. Thanks Ngina once again for sharing. And now let me share on my wife’s Facebook page. Hahaha
Share away brother! Lol. I know we (knights and damsels) need it!. Marriage is such a grace journey and we need all the resources of heaven to do it right 🙂
My husband and I embrace the changes wholeheartedly. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s just really hard. But when rough times comes, we always ask ourselves, “Is this honoring to God?” Then, we just kept quiet and smile at each other or STARE at each other. Two people joined by God are still different and it’s an unending way of learning each other’s personality but do it with grace and what’s pleasing to Him.
Your post always bring me back to the truth, He’s still working on me. For years I have wrote our updates and then my husband goes through what I wrote with his sensitivity comb. My comb is much more personal so there is that option I might offend someone. It never fails to make me a little mad but I have grown to expect him to do this and I am sure it has saved me from running over someone feeling with my words. He has only read a few of my blog post which is good. That is his way of showing me love too. This is one of those things we never stop learning..never, never. Good post sister.
I love what you say about the “sensitivity comb”. it’s so funny how no matter how much we are expecting it, it never fails to hurt a little bit.
I’ve found that keeping my eyes on the bigger picture helps me move on, instead of dwelling on the moment.
My husband rarely looks at my blog posts before I publish. I don’t know how it’d be if he combed through each one before publishing! God’s grace is sufficient for everything though!
Ooh, I love this topic. In fact, Ngina, my Wednesday post is going to be similar to this but different enough that I don’t think you’ll feel I’m stepping in your territory. I do think we need to prepare ourselves to receive words of correction. I’m trying to get to this same “grown up” (as you’ve pointed out) place and welcome it more often–especially from those I trust care about my well-being. Great topic and thoughts, my friend. I affirm you in your “excellent” efforts to guide and encourage! 🙂
I am so glad you are tackling something similar on Wednesday Beth! I’d love to learn and hear from your perspective. I doubt you’d step into my territory” (as i doubt that I have one, since all our wisdom comes from the same Source! 🙂 ) It seems like this is something we need to learn more of in this season and hence the prompting to post about something similar at the same time. I really appreciate you! And often feel affirmed by your words and encouragement! Thank you and bless you.