When a woman is stressed out and frustrated, a natural inclination is to “talk it out”.
If the listener is her husband, his natural reaction is to try and “fix” the situation for her.
For him, fixing her problem is simply a way to expresses his concern and love for her.
But for the wife and in moments of distress, being “fixed” is the last thing she wants.
I was reminded of this the other day when I asked my husband to look at a blog post draft I’d spent the day working on.
I approached my husband with
“Babe could you look at this post and tell me what you think? Have I handled the topic well?“
But what I actually meant was
“Please read through the post and affirm me“
My husband is not a mind reader of course.
And being the great husband he is, he snapped on his knight armor.
And seconds later pointed out a typo.
On paragraph 1.
A typo? Really?
My mind worked overtime, imagining how my post and heart were about to be shredded to pieces. (Because my beloved has a – wonderful – perfectionist eye.)
My pride and defenses shot sky high.
I sat at the end of our couch, debating whether to end the conversation with a sling-shot response.
Or be the grown up wife I was supposed to be and graciously accept his correction but press through to get what I wanted in the first place; an honest opinion (cloaked with heavy affirmation.)
Loving you the way I know to (a husband’s love language)
When husbands try to solve problems for their wives, most are not trying to be insensitive or rude.
They are just being dudes; doing the most natural thing to make life easier for the one the love. They are rescuing their bride from a distress.
Since that small discourse with my husband, I’ve been asking myself why I don’t allow him to fix some of my problems more often.
(Just so you know I had done several edits and completely missed out that typo!)
So I’ve been thinking; what if we stopped fighting our husbands’ “knighthood” and just allowed them to love us the way they know best?
Instead of getting upset about their “overreach” or “insensitivity”, what if we made room and allowed them into our little disasters and challenges?
I remember debating on the best way to handle my husbands observations; thinking about the best tone of voice to use. I knew my words and tone would either invite his continued contribution or shut it down.
I realized that welcoming his input put him at a better position to listen to whatever else I had in mind because he felt affirmed in his input instead of rebuffed.
By God’s grace, my little discourse ended up well. I decided to be a little grown up and thanked him for noticing the typo and edited it.
Then graciously repeated my earlier request, that I wanted an overview of the whole post, not editorial detail.
In the end, he told me I’d handled the topic well; done a beautiful job of it.
I got what I wanted. If I had taken offense earlier, I wouldn’t have heard those amazing words from my husband’s mouth and our evening would have ended in a different shore.
What do you think, is it okay sometimes to allow our spouses to love us the way they want to, not the way we demand (or are “wired”) to? Can we do a better job of appreciating and celebrating our husband’s love language?