Marriage Hurts Even When We are Doing It Right

Difficult Marriage· Newlywed Advice· Personal Growth

10 Sep

We suppose marriage hurts when there’s something wrong.

As a newlywed wife, I believed marriage would hurt when there was something wrong. Consequently, I would brace myself for the bumps and bruises when we hit a stormy season.

But finally, we got to this place where my husband and I were at a good place. And still, marriage hurt. And I didn’t get it.

Our communication was better (good place) but he still made me crazy at times (marriage hurt.) I was finally okay doing more chores (good place) but I still felt so tired making most of the meals (marriage hurt).

I finally accepted I married a dude, not a girl (very good place) but I still wished he was easier to understand, even “train” (marriage hurt.)

My relationship was good overall but it was still stretching me.

And because it was pulling me, kneading me, challenging me, I questioned if it was good at all. After all, doesn’t healthy mean the absence of exertions??

I compared (See Comparison in Marriage: 3 Simple Steps to Defeat It,) got confused (See Can I Love My Husband Too Much?) feared and sometimes pushed him.

Until (and I am still on this journey) I came to this place where I am learning that a perfectly good marriage will always stretch me. Because a perfectly good marriage grows, refines and matures.

God uses my husband to stretch me in numerous ways.

In sweet ways like when I am overwhelmed by the blessing he is (See The Simple Yet Fabulous Ways Husbands Love Their Wives.) And in hard ways when I resist the the inevitable death-to-self sentence See How Humility Changed The Course of Our Marriage.

I now see why marriage hurts our feelings, even when we are doing it right: growth is not a pain-free process.

In John 15 Jesus said

“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. 3You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

Cutting and pruning: two actions which look the same but their end goal is different.

Let’s dive into the Scripture above to help us process some of the hurt that comes with marriage.

1. Jesus is our foundation.

Verse 1 I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener.

If you haven’t figured this out yet, marriage and all of life point back to God. He is the source of everything, and nothing exists without Him.

Marriage speaks of His magnificence, His love, His nature. As the Gardener, God is continuously working in us, revealing things about Himself to us.

That means continuous growth and yes, stretch.

2. Marriage will make us better or worse

Verse 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.

It’s true what they say about life and especially relationships: they makes you better or bitter. God can use your relationship to grow you. Or you can use your relationship to become bitter.

Marriage will reveal the areas you need to grow. In my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years I talk about the concept of the “mirror.”

I find that my relationship with God is like a mirror. Typically a clean mirror will reflect back your true form; it does not display what you want to see, it shows who you are. A rational person does not pick a fight with the mirror if they dislike what they see because they know that the mirror will not change its mind to accommodate their view.” Excerpt Blues to Bliss

In marriage, we have the privilege of being shaped by God in new ever-changing ways. So you can see things “your way” or “Gods way”

You will feel the shears of the Gardener, our Creator. And they will either be “cutting off branches that will not produce fruit” or “pruning the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.”

3. Marriage hurts but His promise is true

4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

One of the many qualities I’ve come to appreciate about my relationship with God is His strength in my weakness.

The success of my marriage does not depend on my strength but on on my “remaining” in God.

“Remaining” is such a sweet peaceful word – it speaks of rest. And I cling to this promise because sway on the side of “doing”. I tend to work and travail, not rest. See Overcoming Discouragement Through The Word of God

And there’s nothing wrong with godly work but all godly work has to be anchored on the words found in Psalm 127:1, 2 Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good.

We must remind ourselves of the enoughness of God. Marriage hurts, challenges, grows – but we are secure in the hands of our loving Father. We can trust Him not just to perfect us, but to sustain us through it all.

Let’s talk – Has marriage (or dating relationship) been stretching you lately? Out of these three points above, which one have you struggled with the most? Let’s chat in comments below!

Update: Blues to Bliss Giveaway Winners!

The winners for last week’s giveaway are Bianca and Megan Burchett! Congratulations! Please Click here to send me your email address so I can get the book to you! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Tired of the fussing and distance? Want to restore joy, healing and happiness to your marriage? Or maybe you just want to love better, create the marriage of your dreams, God’s way. My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years will set you on that road. Buy it here Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe PDF . Or Click here to go to the book page.

« 10 Things I Have Learned From 10 Years of Marriage

No, Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Teach You to Read Your Bible »

Comments

Jas says
at

Hello, there I’m afraid of losing my husband because, he said if you are talking with any guy even if he is your cousin brother then he will also start to talk with his ex-girlfriends, and also break our marriage. suggest me what should I do? 🙁

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Jas, that is not healthy at all. Just talking to someone of the opposite sex shouldn’t be used as a weapon/threat by a spouse. Check out these three blog posts for helpful insights
  Ideas for how to put boundaries https://intentionaltoday.com/boundaries-difficult-spouse/
  Work through that fear https://intentionaltoday.com/divorce-husband/
  Working through disrespect in marriage https://intentionaltoday.com/husband-doesnt-respect-me/
  
  Reply
  - jas says
    at
    
    Thank You!
    
    Reply
Trena says
at

Hi Ngina,
I enjoy reading your blogs on marriage. I need some advise as I am overwhelmed with marriage. I have been married 2 years. I am Christian but my husband isn’t.
I am struggling with infidelity in my marriage and I have turned it over to God for Him to fix it. But then something happens that gives me proof that my husband is cheating and I take up the problem again. Whenever I confront him he quarrels and says I make him unhappy and he is going to leave.
That just cripples me I just accept the fact that I am living with an adulterer.
It hurts so much I can’t even pray so tired of going to God and nothing is done.
Please advise..
Trini

Reply
Michelle says
at

So thankful that I came upon your blog right when I was getting married. I have been encouraged by your writings as a new bride. Some days are a struggle and are different then what I ever expected, but God has been faithful and I continually rest in him. The point of letting him build the house and not our work was a good reminder and prayer for me! Thank you!

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Marriage is rarely what we expect it to be, is it? 🙂 At least not quite immediately! So glad the post encouraged you in your journey. I’ve prayed for you!
  
  Reply
Juliet says
at

Hi!
Not a married woman, but I love to read some articles on marriage cuz I realised there’s a lot of my perspective that needs shifting. Anyway, you’ve really surprised when you said that even a perfectly good marriage stretches you. I honestly thought if It’s good it’s smooth. My qn is, in the context of a dating relationship then how do you figure out if the challenges you have are healthy or if you have a good relationship, if things being smooth and perfect isn’t the criteria??

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Hi Juliet! Great question! The quick answer is the severity of the issue. Are they chronic, repetitive and “deal breaking?” Are they major (like his relationship with God, maturity, work ethic etc) or minor? Either way its important to be able to work through the issues, minor or major. And that’s where mentors come in! It really helps to have input from people who are further ahead and can bring clarity. Check out my singles posts where I go deeper on some of these! https://intentionaltoday.com/category/single-life/
  
  Reply
Megan Burchett says
at

Thank you for this insight and encouragement. I am learning the days may be long, but the years are short. I feel I would truly benefit from reading your book and hope I win! Thanks for doing the giveaway!

Reply
Ciara says
at

The truth of the matter is, John 16:33 says that in this world we will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world. Jesus told us that our marriages would hurt. It’s only me and my fantasy expectations that expects otherwise. When my marriage hurts it feels like everything else is off balance and the brokenness hard to communicate too. But I resonate with point 3. Marriage hurts but God’s promises are true. Even when I don’t believe it, I have to speak truth over myself and my marriage. And instead of immediately “speaking truth” to my husband which can just become an argument I am trying to speak it to my own soul and be the example of what I know is right. I wish I could change his behavior etc sometimes but I ONLY have control of me. This is the tricky yet very simple part of marriage that continues to blow my mind and challenge me constantly.

Reply
Minga Ndjerareou says
at

My co worker and I had a discussion about the difficulties of relationships in general…my co worker said “it shouldn’t be hard though.” I rebuttled and said “yes it should/ or is.” This conversation happened two days ago and here I am reading your blog that hits the points we talked about. So timely, so refreshing, so educational and ON POINT.

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Oh WOW! Isn’t that so interesting! Only God can segway these thoughts and discussions! I see where your colleague is coming from, particularly if she’s single. I rolled up that highway like a boss..lol. It took a looong time, even after the “I Dos” to figure it out…and am still learning and processing. So glad this was helpful and educational!
  
  Reply
Sarah says
at

Thank you for this post! I hadn’t thought about this specifically in this way. I’m unmarried but considering that possibility in the near future. In observing many marriages around me, mostly Christian marriages, I have reached many contradicting conclusions about different aspects of marriage. It clicked with me that duh…marriage is going to hurt in the good times too, it doesn’t mean the marriage is bad. Thanks for helping my pre-marriage perspective!

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Sarah, you just nailed it on “contradicting conclusions” 😄😭 Marriage can seem like it swings to both extremes. Like it’s never really perfect. But when you finally get it, that it still stretches and grows people no matter the season, there’s great relief in that!
  
  Reply
Allison says
at

I love how the Lord reiterates messages to me! I was just reading a devotional this morning on John 15. Thank you for sharing, Ngina! This is such sweet spiritual food for me to be reading as an engaged woman– and I’m sure I’ll come back to it a LOT as a wife! 🙂

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Oh yaay! So glad this resonated so well today!
  
  Reply
Bianca says
at

This is definitely what I need to hear today. So on time!! Thank you God for the right perspective.

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Amen 💖
  
  Reply
Denise says
at

I find that all 3 depicts my life right now. I know Gods word is true.

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  💗💗
  
  Reply
Melanie McGrew says
at

Thank you so much for your transparency regarding marriage. This is my second marriage, so much different than the first. That is what I want to know, why does marriage hurt when you can be doing everything right? Thank you for this. I really do want our marriage to mean something, and not just be in it to be in it.
Thank you so much and I hope I can receive your book.

Reply
- Ngina Otiende says
  at
  
  Melanie, so happy you resonated with today’s thoughts.
  
  Reply