A marriage myth is “a widely held but false belief or idea.”
As humans, we learn best through example and real-life modeling. Still, what we don’t know can have as much influence in our lives, as what we do know.
Today I want to explore four marriage untruths, what I call marriage myths. We’ll look at how they take form in a young marriage and how you as a wife can kick them out!
At point or another, I once believed these tales. And even after years of marriage, I still have to be vigilant and intentional so they don’t commandeer my thoughts and marriage.
Here they are;
4 marriage myths and how you can overcome them
Marriage Myth #1 God created sex primarily with the husband in mind.
But the way I see it, God could have created a human being to be self-satisfying; able to pleasure, reproduce and provide companionship by himself/herself without the need for the other. But He didn’t.
And so it’s weird to think of sexual intimacy as one person gig. Yet that’s exactly what wives (or husbands) do when we decide sex is for the husband’s enjoyment and the woman’s endure-ment. Or duty.
But more than piercing our hearts, this wrong thinking breaks the heart of God because He created intimacy for the married couple enjoy. It’s a gift to both, not one.
Certainly, many, if not most, husbands will desire physical intimacy as a love language*(see below). They’ll have a more urgent desire for sex compared to women, who don’t feel the same overpowering urge until they start making love or intentionally flip the switch and keep it flipped.
However, our different wiring doesn’t mean one gender is more gifted for sexual intimacy than the other.
It means we have a lavish infinitely majestic Creator who sees marriage as a place of learning and growth, where two distinct individuals learn to become one and derive pleasure and fulfillment in that.
(*It’s not always the case that the husband has a higher sex drive. If you desire more sex than your husband, please read this post – To the wife with a higher sex drive.)
Bottom line, a good sex life starts with telling ourselves a different story! And next month, I am thrilled to release my newest book, The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride. Update: Now available! Kindle I Paperback I Nook I PDF Or Click here to go to book page.
The Wedding Night book is a no-fluff, down-to-earth resource to help the engaged and newlywed woman become sexually confident in marriage.
In the book, I cover the practical side of sexual intimacy, including answers to common questions and concerns like the inelegance of sex, orgasm, contraceptives, painful sex etc.
But we also look at what makes sex feel great (hint..involves learning to relax!), how to engage your mind and talk with your husband and how to invite God into your marriage bed. Plus much much more!
So be on the look out next month (and spread the word to engaged and newly married friends who may need the resource!) Click here to purchase book
Marriage Myth – God created sex with husbands in mind.
Marriage Truth – God created sex with husband and wife in mind.
Marriage Myth #2 Respect for men is overrated
The other day I caught a cab and the cab driver and I started to talk marriage and relationships. He told me he was single but has a problem finding a good girlfriend.
You know, the one thing that is so difficult nowadays is finding a girl who respects you. It’s not even about the dirty dishes, those I can wash. It’s about how she talks to me about the dishes, her attitude. A man wants a little respect, but girls nowadays don’t want to talk nicely or show respect.
I agreed with him. (The respect part, not about good girls being scarce.)
The man was right because I have seen it in my marriage: it’s rarely about the thing I want my husband to do or not do. It’s mostly how I talk to him about it.
After years of marriage, I am now convinced I can get my husband to dance on burning coals (i.e do anything) as long as I ask nicely. At least I think I can.
But my sweet would struggle to attend to less dangerous, much simpler tasks like washing dishes when I ask amiss.
(Wondering how to ask right? Read these posts – 6 Things Wives Do That Hinder Communication In Marriage and Embracing My Need to Talk and Understanding His Need to Process.
Of course, women too need respect. And I am not talking about respecting a husband’s wish to sin or engage in harmful behavior.
I am saying that the idea “times have changed and men need to stop being so needy” will not land you the marriage of your dreams.
The apostle Paul wrote,
So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 NLT
Marriage Myth – Respect for men is overrated
Marriage Truth – Respect for men is not overrated. It is as real as a woman’s need for tender attention and affection.
Marriage Myth #3 Marriage gets annoying/boring with time
Many moons ago, someone asked me if it’s true marriage becomes stale with age. I told him “it depends on how you treat it.”
If you treat each other great, it gets sweeter and better. But if you neglect your relationship, take each other for granted, the 7-year-itch or whatever-number-of-year-itch will become a frightening reality. (See The 7 Year Itch – Does Marriage Have an Expiration?)
An example to illustrate the point. No woman in the right frame of mind would buy fresh organic produce, and then leave it on her kitchen counter for days, without refrigeration. And then complain about its withered decayed state after two weeks.
“I don’t believe these vegetables wilted and turned yellow..after all the money I spent on them! What was the farmer thinking? What kind of seed did he use!? And what’s wrong with these stores which sell vegetables that die and smell after a few days?”
It would be silly to fuss and complain about yellowed kale that we stored incorrectly. Yet we do it with marriage.
Ultimately, it’s not the marriage institution that is the problem. It’s how we “store” it. Marriage doesn’t automatically get better or worse by itself. It takes someone doing their part or not doing their part.
Marriage Myth – Marriage automatically gets worse with age
Marriage Truth – Marriage becomes what you put into it. Work hard and you will be rewarded. Laze around, take each other for granted, allow “good” to get in the way of better and it will yellow and putrefy.
Marriage Myth #4 A husband and Jesus are equal priorities.
It is rarely a conscious decision to elevate a husband to the same love as Jesus. Or worse, above our Lord. But the excitement of new love and the overwhelming responsibilities of wifehood can tip the scale of your affections.
As a newlywed wife, I felt like Jesus understood why I couldn’t spend as much time with Him as I did when I was a single girl.
I thought early morning snuggles with husband were more important than prayer and reading the Word. Surely God gave me this gift of marriage and taking a little time off, so I could take care of my new responsibility was only natural.
I’ve heard from other wives who struggle to judge their two loves – Jesus and husband – correctly. Fairly, it’s difficult to transition from “Jesus and me” to “Jesus, husband and me.”
So this post is not a guilt trip! I truly believe that God knows the shifts and turns of a new marriage and how they mess with our spiritual equilibrium. He’s not mad at you.
But He’ll put reminders along the way (such as this post) to nudge you back to close intimacy with Him.
Yes, your relationship with Jesus will not be the same after the wedding. Not because Jesus changed, but because you did. Marriage is naturally exciting (if everything is going as it should) and our love for God can take a back seat.
However, a great marriage comes from having a greater relationship with Christ. And so as newlyweds we have to ask God to help us crave, desire, hunger for him than we do our husbands.
Marriage Myth – A husband and Jesus are equal priorities.
Marriage Truth – The activities, the outside look of your relationship with Christ may change after the wedding due to new obligations. But you intimacy should not. In fact, your relationship with Christ must become more vibrant and deeper because you need Him more.
You have to be more creative, more intentional, more organized to find time with God. And if it means missing a few snuggles in the morning, that’s okay too. It’s all part of making sure that the blessing does not replace the Blessor.
Your turn – what other marriage myths you shouldn’t believe have you heard? How are you overcoming them in marriage? Let’s chat in Comments!
Want to learn how to find the balance as a newlywed wife? My book Blues to Bliss might help. I wrote it with the newlywed wife in mind. If you are imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy, this book is for you. But it here Buy it here Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF Or Click here to go to the book page.