Eye candy; heard of the term?
The dictionary defines it as “visual images that are superficially attractive and entertaining but intellectually undemanding.”
For this post, it means visual images (or other things) which dishonor the dignity of your marriage vow.
Dishonor because marriage comes with responsibility and to thrive, we must must protect it and nurture it.
*Edit: If you landed on this page and this is your first time on this blog and you feel offended by my words, I encourage you to check out a few more posts! There’s plenty more where I talk about the husbands responsibility in marriage! 🙂
I haven’t “arrived” myself; I am very much a work in progress in some of the areas (example # 7, 10, 14 )
I’d love for you to chime in and share your “should-nots” in Comments below! Let’s learn and grow together!
16 things you should not do as a wife
1. You should not have a Pinterest board called “eye-candy”.
Think about it, how would you like for your husband to create an online file, fill it with pictures of women – half of them shirtless – label it “eye-candy” and display it for the world to see?
2. You should not call other men smoking hot.
That kind of verbal adoration should be reserved for your husband.
3. You should not drag your old guy friends into your marriage
And demand your husband gets along with them.
Because when you said “I do” to your husband, you said “I don’t” to all other men.
If guy-friend isn’t making efforts to be buddies with your husband or if your husband does not like him, stop the fussing: let.it.go.
4. You should not compare your husband
To your super-man dad, your knowledgeable home group leader, your mover-and-shaker boss.
Or any man.
Comparison is a soul killer. See Her Husband is Better than My Husband
Allow your husband to be himself, to grow and become the person God created him to be.
5. You should not demand he changes
In an area you are not willing to do some changing yourself!
6. You should not withhold sex and affection
In the hope it will motivate him to do what you want.
You might find some kind of success in your efforts but it will be the wrong kind – like aggravation, frustration, manipulation.
Not exactly the kind of success you were looking for.
A frustrated, manipulated husband doesn’t a good partner make.
You want him to help and serve out of love?
Go first – serve him out of love.
7. You should not dismiss his preferences and likes.
He might never nag about what he likes you to wear, who he thinks you should not hang out with, his favorite food, watching a game together, e.t.c.
But doesn’t mean he doesn’t care any more or he forgot about it.
Listen well, especially to the non-verbal communication. See 6 Things Wives Do That Hinder Communication in Marriage
8. You should not prefer Facebook over your husband.
Or knitting. Or ministry. Or friends.
Or any of your favorite things.
Don’t allow him to slip from # 1 (after God) in the list of your priorities.
9. You should not stop praying.
The answers you seek, the healing you need for your marriage, the growth you want is found on your knees.
Not on your feet.
Or your husband’s face, trying to make a point.
10. You should not expect him to make a good girlfriend.
He’s a dude.
You married a dude.
11. You should not roll your eyes
At the burnt piece of toast and over-sweet tea he presented with flourish. For lunch.
Accept it with gratitude.
Appreciate and make a fuss when he makes an effort in any area. Allow him to make mistakes.
The sun in your smile and the kiss in your voice will encourage him to try again.
And one day he will make the toast and the tea just the way – and the time – you like it.
12. You should not be surprised that he misses your hints and cues and “unspoken needs”.
He’s not God; run to God for wholeness and completeness.
And he’s a dude, he’s wired to not-always catch non-verbal communication.
Just say it already. And don’t tire of repeating it, respectfully. See 4 Ways to Get Your Husband to Do What You Want
13. You should not throw away your lipstick.
Or heels. Or cute scarfs.
Or anything he liked on you before you got married.
Don’t let your self go, thinking “he needs to stop being so carnal, he should start loving me for me, not just what’s on the outside!”
Girl, your man is visual and there’s nothing you can do about it.
The same way you are relational and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Imagine him saying “this woman needs to start appreciating me for me” ..and stops showing any love and affection but for paying bills and taking out the trash.
Eh. Not a good place.
14. You should not say dumb things about your husband
You should not say dumb things about your husband.
You probably heard me the first time..click here to read about my dumb-day.
15. You should not speak over him as he talks.
You might interrupt his thinking and processing; he will stuggle to keep up with the conversation.
Aka he might switch off in the brain.
How to avoid these wife-made disasters?
Hold your words. Quieten your internal chatter. Wait for your turn.
Connect and truly seek to understand what he’s saying; think before your speak.
16. You should not stop having a life outside the marriage.
He is your best friend, your soul mate, a gift from God.
But he can’t ever be your everything.
Cultivate interests and hobbies that don’t take away from your marriage.
Keep good friends.
You will be more refreshed and strengthened, able to give into marriage.
~
Does the idea of boundaries in marriage make you cringe? Worried that you (or your husband) don’t have what it takes to have a great marriage? Want a step by step guide on how to kick out fussing, anger, passive-aggressiveness from your relationship? Or maybe you just want to love better, create the marriage of your dreams, God’s way. Your marriage can change! Get on the road to a great marriage when you pick up my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years -> Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble 
What a nice piece you have here Ngina. Numbers 7 and 12 hit me most and I really had to think when I read them. I tried to recall the number of times I had taken my husband’s feelings for granted by wearing whatever I chose without considering how he felt about them. I also tried to recollect how many times I had gotten myself angry because I felt he was not caring enough to notice my non-verbalized wishes and concerns. Thanks for calling my attention to these things. I also wish you will permit me to share this on my own blog – familymattersng.com
I am glad the post spoke to you, Ijeoma! It’s always a blessing when we find the small tweaks and adjustments we can make in marriage, that can help us have a sweeter, caring relationship and make our spouse feel valued as well!
I do not permit sharing of my blog posts on other blogs as it’s a direct infringement of my copyright as the writer and author. You can share an excerpt of the post – one paragraph – PROVIDED that full and clear credit is given to “Ngina Otiende at Intentional Today” with specific direction to this original content where people will be able to read the whole post.
This is a great article and it resonates within my marriage and my wife and I now strive to follow all of these principles. However, I need to seriously warn married couples to be on guard when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex and hopefully help them not deal with to what we had.
My wife had a male friend from childhood and she reconnected with him in 2012. From the onset, I had an uneasy feeling about him but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be seen as a controlling husband. I justified it and told myself, “this is 2012, not 1952 and we trust each other. This is nothing to be concerned about because we have a progressive marriage and can have opposite sex friends”. Well, fast forward to 2016 and it was nightmare to say the least. We now know that this friend was a “predator friend” where he appeared innocent but we now realize that he wanted my wife and had ulterior motives.
At that time, he had befriended me but he slowly crept his way into our lives. After three years, he almost tore apart our marriage despite the fact that we had a great marriage before this all began. When my wife and I were privy to his motives and behaviors, we set healthy boundaries with this friend. He responded with anger and had immediately cut ties with us and his response gave further credence to his ulterior motive. We both now have conservative views when it comes to our marriage and will protect it by us only having same sex friends because it not worth the risk. The take home message here is that nobody is immune to this type of situation. It is no wonder why the divorce rate is as high as it is and it stems from so called “progressivism” such as this.
Thank you for sharing your story! I love what you’ve said in the last paragraph “nobody is immune” . So important to be aware and be willing to do whatever it takes to protect what we love.
Beautifully written! I’m a 25-year old wife to be and psychotherapist, and I in no way think any of this is outdated. Many of these things are not only rooted in scripture, but proven to improve relationships through scientific research!
Kelly i am glad this resonates with you, both in Scripture (which is all we need!) and scientifically! I love it when science agrees to God’s truth! Thanks for adding the thought.
Excellent advice!! I think #10 is the most important to remember! In our effort to prove ‘equality’ – we sometimes forget that husbands and wives really ARE different.
So true Robyn! That’s such a good one to point out, thank you!
Ngina, This is a great list. While some of it seems to be “back to the 1950s” shaking these values off for more independent and “I will do what I want” type behaviors (men and women) is exactly what drove our divorce rates up so high and has so many families split apart and living in poverty right now. While this list may seem like harmless things that strong couples can handle (our relationship is different), once you are going through a rocky time (all marriages do), those comments you made about sexy men/women, that male/female friend you have outside of your marriage, or those unkind, dismissive or joking, but hurtful things you said will all be taken in a different light when your spouse is feeling exposed and vulnerable. It can take years to undo this.
Make wise choices now. God never gives bad advice! Nice job Ngina. Stopping in from Wifey Wed.
Kim, thanks for this input, you have put it well. I think that’s where many of us miss it, we don’t care to build solid foundations and hedges because we think our marriages are already strong and we can do pretty much what we want . Until things get thick later on (as most marriages will experience hard times) and then we have nothing to fall back on.
Okay, so while I have to agree with some of these things, number 1 and 2 made me laugh. Why the heck not? I mean, come on, it’s only natural to notice the opposite sex, heck I even point out pretty girls to my husband. We both know we wouldn’t ever go there. It’s about trust, and if you don’t trust them.. what’s the point?
But each to there own opinion and all I guess.
Tamara, you’ve mentioned “it’s only natural to notice the opposite sex”. Obviously we see things because we have eyes 🙂 but what i mean here is dwelling on that attraction in our words and thoughts and behaviors. There’s a saying that says “i can’t stop birds from flying over my head by i can stop them from making a nest in my head”..or something like that 🙂 I’ve written deeper on the topic of boundaries in marriage and why it’s important and you can read it here https://intentionaltoday.com/protect-your-marriage-keep-boundaries-with-the-opposite-sex/ .
Excellent. I have the most trouble with #15, because I am so ‘gabby’, and he is quiet. I have to remind myself all the time to just. stop. talking. already! 🙂
Me and you both, Kay! My hubby is quieter too. I am learning!
I love all of your points here, Ngina! Such good stuff, but you made me nod and laugh out loud with, “You should not expect him to make a good girlfriend. He’s a dude. You married a dude.” haha! So true and so often that’s what we try to do! You are so wise beyond your years, sweet Ngina!
Haha, glad it gave you a laugh Beth! My husband laughed on that one too! Thank you for your sweet encouragement Beth!
Ngina! Kelly! You have summed up some of the things I learned the hard way in the first 5 years of marriage…
Naysayers are naysayers. Old or not, … “the proof is in the pudding”!
Although from a time when things may not have been “equal” for men & women, somethings like respect, grace, style, and a certain level of morality are TIMELESS!
Thank You!
K
Thanks for sharing your experience! i am glad this resonates with you . Indeed the proof is in the pudding! 🙂 Thanks so much. (ps i know you were responding to a comment by Kelly & I, but it came through Beth’s thread 🙂
Great list and I couldn’t agree more! I would add, that we shouldn’t keep company with those who have no value for marriage. The influence can be bad. Thanks a lot for sharing!
That’s such a great addition, Ugochi. I loved this post from you, on the same. (People, you need to read this post from Ugochi) http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com/2014/03/14-friends-all-couples-should-beware-of.html
Reading this, it seems that nearly all of them are about respect. Respect him enough to listen to him without interrupting, to not trash him to your friends (one confidante/mentor to give advice over genuine issues is different), to allow him to grow and change at God’s leading.
Even the one about not throwing away the lipstick – it’s really not fair to do a “bait and switch”. For me, it’s not the heels I need to keep (I’ve never been into makeup), it’s the hiking boots. Having 4 kids doesn’t mean I get to stop doing the adventurous outdoors things we first connected over. (he just bought me new hiking boots. that’s love!).
That’s a fresh perspective Emily, I hadn’t thought about it. And most husbands # 1 need is respect! Hiking boots..amen to many adventures! Indeed that’s love! 🙂
Great reminder, Emily, to keep up the things that brought you together in the first place.
While some of these seem so obvious, we all do some of them.
#12 hit me hard. For the past few years I’ve been working on this and I’m seeing God change me. I’m less frustrated and our communication has greatly improved.
Great list!
Amen TC, blessed to hear about the changes. It’s something I think we learn over time, that we are stronger when we take time to feed ourselves. Thanks for sharing
Yeah, I rolled my eyes at most of this.
Awesome post. We always need to keep Godly mannerisms in our relationships. The ways of the world today are out of control! Though you may get harped on for writing this, it is what God wants us believers to do! 🙂
Lynlee, you are so right, it’s not a very popular stand. But like you I believe God wants us to choose the narrow road over the wide one, so we can have the life He promised. Thanks for reading and sharing
Ngina, you have targeted the socially acceptable “norms” of our culture today. Because women (and men) have opted to take time-tested values and cast them aside in trade for trends that society adopts as “okay” that divorce, infidelity and lack of self-control (the latter supports all of the ideas you have shared) have overtaken relationships.
ALL generations are willingly walking into the trap. To take wedding vows (how many people actually understand them and take them to heart?) and then continue to live life as you knew it, but with the added benefit of constant companionship and the sharing of a bed … peril. It happens. I have lived it. With the exception of the first few on your list, I’m guilty of them all and almost lost everything.
Many couples think, “It will never happen to us,” and they continue blissfully living life as they like. The trouble is, if they keep all of these 16 things (and more) alive and well, they risk degrading their marriage slowly over time. It doesn’t happen like lightning. Chances are, you won’t even notice the downward trend.
That’s how Satan works, ladies (and gentlemen). He got into my marriage in most of these ways, and he convinced us that we were each right in taking the paths we did. When you see the light of Truth illuminating the scene, the errors glare.
Thank you, Ngina, for sharing lots of truths. I’d like to add “Password Protected” and “Private Messages” as huge, neon danger signs in a marriage. If you are living behind passwords, what are you hiding? The PM world can appear innocent enough, but can turn in an instant into something much more between opposite-sex friends.
Amy, thank you, I so appreciate you for sharing your heart. It truly helps when someone shares from their experience and warns about some these dangers when we don’t do as we ought. Thank you for that. I love your addition, secret sin/temptation will fester and grow.
I think most of these can go for either the wife or husband:) When we get married we have to remember to put away are single mindset so we can fully focus on our spouse. Great post!
That’s true Dan, it goes both ways 🙂 I like your thought on putting away single mindsets, i think many times we struggle with that, trying to do marriage with a “single-mentality”. Thanks for sharing that.
I agree with everything Ngina posted here. If you’ve ever been through a marital breakup or near breakup that was quite serious you’d understand this post in a better perspective light. I almost lost my husband in 2009 due to his infidelity. It had nothing to do with me. It was all on him. He has since been going through a spiritual transformation. He realized how bad he was and he has repented and sought forgiveness.
Now, to add to what Ngina has already.
Never, ever make backhanded jokes to each other. You may not realize it, but, it’s damaging. One snide remark [joke] leads to another until you both decide you’re unhappy and start fighting or stop communicating all together.
Divorce is at an all time high, in and out of church. It’s at 50% right now. That’s not a good picture.
If you disagree with Ngina’s post, you’re being convicted by God in your heart because you know this post is right. Don’t fight God or ignore Him. Heed the warning.
Thank you for sharing your story Kimberly, what you’ve said is so true, sometimes you get to understand things a little better when you’ve lived them out. Thanks for sharing that. I love that addition.
Thank you, Ngina, for having the platform in place that allows me to share. Sometimes we all need a kick in the backside to come to our senses and to God. Amen.
I agree with Cassie. I thought this was a joke but then realized it was serious and had to laugh. This is totally ridiculous and WAY outdated….we are no longer in the 50’s people.
I am glad you saw some of the intended humor in the post Katie 🙂 but yes, it’s also serious.
Sometimes old fashioned iis the best way to go
Ha! Glad there was intended humor there, lol I couldn’t imagine that was true lol
It’s all true Katie, the humor is in the delivery.
Excuse me? Did we time travel back to the 1950s when women made lists of acceptable “ladylike” behavior? Everyone’s relationship with their husband is different. Mine is built off of mutual trust and respect. He trusts that I can look at another man and say “he is hot” without feeling threatened, and vice versa. He knows exactly who my celebrity crushes are, and I never bat an eye when he sees an attractive woman on TV or in real life who he calls cute/pretty/hot/sexy. We are human, and we are no less in love or attracted to each other by acknowledging that someone else is physically attractive. Also, the day my husband disapproves of me having male friends, new or old, or tells me that he doesn’t want me hanging out with someone is the day that I seriously reconsider whether my relationship is working.
Cassie B, I agree, everyone’s relationship with their husband is different. However, I do think that when couples establish their marriage on the same Godly principles and values, there will be a common thread through the different relationships. Same value system, just different people.
Cassie B,
I have to disagree with you. As Christians we are to be set apart. We may have to live in this World, but, we are not to be conform to it nor are we to be “part” of it. By living the way you are is allowing satan to have control over your marriage. He twisted the truth in the Garden with Eve, and he still does it today. I have male friends, however, they are friends we have together, not separately. Same with him. We never say to each other that we think someone else is hot or whatever word you would like to throw in there. I’ll just leave this right here. I’ve said enough.
A hit dog hollers!