Is Masturbation Right For Christian Singles?

Comments

1. Andy Joseph says

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   Thank you Ngina for this wonderful article. I really am glad that you honestly, gently, and with gentle love answer to each comment. However, this sexual drive… I don’t know what to do with it. Feelings of shame, sadness, anger and discontent are foremost on my mind. I almost hate God and this desire. All it does is cause me to sin.

   Everyone knows that sex is designed for marriage. I know that marital sex is a wonderful thing. I know this and I know that. However, I find this to be a very frustrating experience. No matter what I do, I always come back to masturbation because the urge only goes away for so long.

   I cannot serve God if all I’m doing because of this urge is sinning. If I do not masturbate after some time, I cannot function properly. I become extremely sexually sensitive and the slightest thing arouses me. Then I have to go through another period of “bearing” with the urge until I cannot take it. I sometimes cannot even sleep at night because I am plagued by urges. Although, I must confess, when I do fall asleep, I am rested the next morning. But I cannot take the torture.

   Another thing that upsets me is that the church seems to believe that only married men have sex drives. Show me a YOUNG single pastor! If men can live without sex, then why is it that I cannot see a pastor is who is not married! I’ve never seen a pastor in his 20’s or 30’s that is single. Why the hypocrisy!

   Sometimes I wish I never knew God because that way I could relieve myself without being guilty. I do not know what to do… 🙁

   I cannot have these strong drives and Not sin. I have no choice but to sin. It’s either I sin or I live in torture. Please help me I don’t know if I will be able to serve God like this.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Andy, I know this will sound cliche but there’s truth in it; when it comes walking in freedom – “the struggle is real”. One of the reasons freedom can feel elusive is because we have a real enemy in satan, who, even though is overcome, will try to entrap and make it seem like you were never free. Also we have a real enemy in our old nature that still craves the unholy, ungodly and without a deliberate intentional spirit-driven will to say “no” to the flesh AND remember we are a new creature and the old thing no longer has power over us, we will falter, struggle and be overcome.

     To WALK in freedom, in the miracle of redemption, we have to learn how to “Act the Miracle” Please (please) take time to read the following article to understand how to do that because it will change the way you see your current struggle. It changed how I see my own struggles and the role I play in walking out my redemption. It might do the same for you. Here’s the link https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/i-act-the-miracle

     Alongside that, make sure to read this article as well https://www.penstrokes.co.ke/2016/04/how-did-you-get-out-of-porn-and-masturbation/ . I believe you can reach out to the author of the article, who struggled with masturbation himself, and he might be of great one-on-one help.

   • Jim says

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     Hello Ngina:

     I’ve never been married nor ever had children. I made my mind up at about eleven or twelve years old that I would never do either. It wasn’t because I was a Christian, it’s because I had already seen the worst in marriage.

     I was put into the “Real Life Children’s Ranch” down in Okeechobee, Fl, it was just a few days after my eleventh birthday in 1965. It’s a Christian children’s home for boys and girls who are there through no fault of their own, and it’s still their today. Once my mother came to visit me for the day, she came every single month until I got out four years later. She was the only mother to do that, no other mothers or fathers that I know of ever came to see their children in the home. This one particular visit was different from all the rest of her other visits. My mom rode the bus from Orlando to Okeechobee, it’s a one hundred and ten mile trip just going one way. It’s the way she always came to visit, on the bus, but this time was very much different. Mom had been refilling her Zippo lighter with lighter fluid in the dark, that’s what she told me. I’m sure there was some light, just not very much light. Some of the lighter fluid had run down her arm and when she tried to get the lighter to work it exploded in flames burning her with first, second, and third degree burns. Without any medical attention at all, mom rode that bus the one hundred and ten miles in excruciatingly pain just to see me. I did take her to the hospital in Okeechobee where they bandaged up her arm, I don’t think she has any meds at all for her pain. Maybe they gave her something at the hospital, I don’t know. This was, and is my mother even though she’s now passed away. I’m declaring her to the whole world, and before God Almighty. Thank you for my mother my dear Lord Jesus.🙏
     🙏✝🛐

     If my mother loved me this much, how much more do you think that God the Father loves you? He gave His only begotten Son for our sins, and He watched Him suffer at our hands, His very own creations. The physical pain and suffering was horrible for Jesus, but the weight of all the world’s sins was His true pain and suffering. So horrible a sacrifice for us, and we can’t beat down masturbation for Him. Who is greater than the Master? Thank you my dear Lord Jesus!!!🙏✝🛐

     I still fail sometimes, but when I do I ask my Lord Jesus for forgiveness for my weakness. We have an Advocate who is greater than we are who will beseech the Father on our behalf. Still, the goal is to overcome our weaknesses of the flesh just as our Teacher did when he was in the flesh. He overcame all sin by one sacrifice to the Father, that being Himself who was pure in heart, mind, body, and soul. He did this for all of us knowing that mankind in his natural state was sinful and weak of nature. Thank you for your great sacrifice my Lord Jesus. In the flesh He overcame all sin, He suffered just as we do in the flesh.

     Never surrender! We can stumble many times and never fall short of the Glory of God with Jesus as our Advocate. What’s the message here? Continue the struggle toward perfection in Christ Jesus who gave all for our sins, never completely surrender. Perfection in the flesh concerning most things takes practice, we are not so strong at first, but that will come with the knowledge of the Lord and with His Holy Spirit to help and convict us of our sins. Jesus walked a rocky road during his time here on earth in the flesh, and so must we all. We are not greater than the Master who was, and is still today, long suffering! We must repent, and endure till the end! So pick up your cr✝ss and bear it my little children.👆✝🛐

     Thank you Ngina for allowing me to use your platform. You are blessed today, and God Almighty has your rewards and many more blessings waiting on you in Heaven. Live long and prosper Ngina!🖖😉😇

     Semper Fidelis My Lord,🙏
     Your Brother In Christ,✝
     May God Bless All,✝🛐
     Jim & Popi🐈

2. Prince Banda says

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   I have realised that Masturbation isn’t healthy. I do practice almost 3 times a day but I don’t get satisfied. When each time I wake early morning am always tired and I feel pain all over my body especially my backbone and genitals. I really want to stop but I found myself doing it again and again. Pliz help how I can completely stop this practice.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Please read the links I’ve mentioned at the end of the article for step by step guidance. In particular make sure to read this post http://www.penstrokes.co.ke/2016/04/how-did-you-get-out-of-porn-and-masturbation/

     • Matthew says

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       Yeah, maybe. For me though, it’s fine so long as you don’t treat it as some creepy premeditated lustful concert where you soak in your own vain imaginations and defilement, and if you’re doing it everyday that’s a problem. The physical act of sexual intercourse is not love, masturbation is not love these are carnal things that people participate in don’t get caught up in it. Leviticus 10:10 And that ye may put difference between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean.
       It’s simply not reasonable to expect a single christian to refrain from this act for the rest of their lives it is however critical for them to have a discerning mind in regards to the principalities and spirits at work, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

   • Daniel says

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     I think your wrong cause if you don’t have a spouse and you don’t sleep around then what can you do ,all you can do is masterbate . The Bible doesn’t speak about masterbateing ,I you and everyone else that thinks it wrong are self righteous. You interpret the scripture the way you want it’s either masturbate or fornicate!!

     • Ngina Otiende says

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       Daniel, of course the Bible doesn’t have the term “masturbation” but we can look at what the rest of the Bible says to know the thoughts of God on terms that did not exist in Biblical times. I’ve shared a couple of verses in the post on that. (Not to compare apples and oranges, but think about smoking – the term doesn’t exist in the Bible but we know smoking isn’t good for the body because 1) it causes disease 2) our bodies are God’s temples and we are to take care of them)

       According to the Bible, we have a different and superior option than “masturbate or fornicate.” If you are doing everything in your own strength, then certainly, those two will be your options. But if you desire to honor God with your mind, spirit and body, you will shift your perspectives and engage a higher perspective, believing that it’s possible to live above the cravings of our bodies, with the help of God. Read this post for more https://intentionaltoday.com/to-the-single-woman-confused-about-sex/

       Certainly, the Christian life is not easy. Living pure is not a walk in the park. But God helps us overcome every temptation because Hebrews 4:15 says “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin.”

3. Advocate says

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   And what you’re advocating is both unhealthy for the body and mind. Growing up in church, it took me years to get over the psychological effects of sexual repression and thinking I was a horrible person worthy of Hell Fire because I couldn’t control the urge to get off. Going days at a time tormenting myself, unable to even think of anything else followed by extreme guilt when I ‘screwed up,’ because I truly believed at the time and really did want to please God. Yet of course I hadn’t been educated enough in biology at the time to realize that you fill up and need to release just as much so as with taking a dump, and that not doing so is damaging physically as well with causing future prostate problems. This is one of the primary reasons I finally got myself out of the church and finally really got to know God. As a woman, you don’t have that biological need to get off, but sexual repression still leads to psychological and sexual problems in marriage later on down the road.

   But if we’re going on the Biblical, the only mention of masturbation in and of itself being anything but normal is a verse in the Old Testament stating that a man is unclean for the rest of the day after ejaculation. No sin offering required, simply unclean. The Old Testament is far more restrictive than the new in terms of the law, so to assume Paul’s letters were referring to masturbation as opposed to the sexual sins described in the Old Testament would be a rather odd interpretation. As for the words of Jesus, the only part of the Bible I even care to look to for wisdom after realizing that it was little more than mythology, his only mention of sexuality and sin was not to lust after your neighbor’s wife and to not commit adultery. No mention even of fornication, masturbation, or even lust in general. Simply don’t list for another man’s wife, and don’t cheat on a spouse. Both very good words of wisdom.

   If you’re going to advise people to follow Christ, speak the message of Christ: ‘Love God with all you have and love thy neighbor as thyself.’ Don’t take the message of the church preaching similar ideas to the Pharisees and pass it off as the message of Christ.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     There’s a difference between the biology of “night emissions” (where the body ejaculates when a person is asleep, more common in the younger years) and actively stimulating oneself for sexual pleasure. I am addressing the latter. By the way, wet dreams happen to women as well, though not as often as men.

     As far as preaching the whole message of Christ, the whole Bible is the whole message of Christ. Certainly, the gospel is summed up “Love God and love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22: 37-40 but thats the sum of the whole: everything within the Bible IS true.

     There are things that the Bible doesn’t address directly or call out by name but that doesn’t mean it’s silent on the matter. That’s why don’t pick and choose topics, or look for wording that may not have existed back then: we look at the rest of the Bible to understand God’s position on issues. That’s what we do with masturbation: we ask “what’s the heart of it, what does the Bible say about sexuality and purity and wholeness”

     The goal of this post is to address the heart of masturbation, not just the action. The Bible is clear, (look at the verses above) sexual exploration outside marriage is unhelpful and a sin. And it’s for our protection, not just a “rule” without a reason, like I’ve pointed out in the post.

4. mercy says

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   I love reading erotic novels and it gives me sexual urge I have tried to stop reading the books but I keep going. what can I do.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     You need to stop reading erotica. You won’t get free unless you do. I was also addicted to romance novels..could devour several books in a few hours! Once I decided these books weren’t helping me keep my godly standards, i got rid of them. You won’t stop if you keep them around you. Confide in a godly friend (accountability and support), get busy outside the house, ask God to help you.

5. Katherine Foran says

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   I find this really unfair! I am a single person now at 30 years of age! I have only had 1 boyfriend. He committed suicide on valentines day. :'( i have never had sex before but done other sexual things. I don’t understand why i can’t experiment with myself in a non lustful way to help me be more relaxed when i do get to make love with a man! The way i see it is if i have to be totally holy & do nothing, i am going to be more uptight, more anxious & nervous to have sex when i do get the chance! Its not right, like i want it to be a nice experience but if i have to live like that then it will more than likely won’t be.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Katherine, I am so sorry about your boyfriend. That’s hard. I do want to correct that myth though, that masturbation will help you prepare for sex in marriage. IT WON’T. Like I have shared above, this is a self-focused activity: it’s not a shared experience within the bonds of marriage. Thus you will have a hard time bringing someone else into that space which you have already claimed as your own. To be more blunt, no one can turn you on faster or better than you/vibrator. Humans don’t do that. Humans (husband and wife) RELATE. Great sexual intimacy comes out of great a relationship. When you bring in a husband he has to LEARN what makes you tick. You have to teach him. And that’s a more difficult if you have learned to fulfill yourself. Please take time to read the posts I have mentioned at the bottom, particularly the post by the husband who is struggling to connect to his wife because he was used to masturbate as a single man.

     • Ngina Otiende says

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       To help you prepare for intimacy in marriage, there are wonderful resources out there. When the time comes you can pick up my book “The Wedding Night” or Sheila Gregoires’ “Good girls guide to great sex” Both books are available on Amazon.

   • Shane moore says

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     I am a man and this makes me angery at God.all these rules all these dos and don’t you can’t do this you can’t do that.God is uptight it makes it hard to want to serve him.

     • Ngina Otiende says

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       Shane, whenever we doubt God’s nature as described in the Bible, we should explore our view as opposed to assuming we are correct in our judgements. I’ve learned that just because I feel God is a certain way doesn’t mean He is that way. A lot of times our view of God is shaped by personal experiences and the worldview around us. I encourage you to seek out a good Christian man in your real-life circle to help you work through the questions and angsts you have about God. Even better, tell God what you think/feel and invite Him to that conversation. Be open and willing. He is not far/complicated as we think He is.

6. Eli says

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   How about if the person only is addicted to the feeling like drugs just the feeling. No porn no external stimuli just that feeling of bliss. No sexual imagination just feel?

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     It’s still not helpful or healthy. Purity is a matter of the heart, about what is going on inside you, not just what triggers it. The problem with learning to satisfy oneself is that it becomes a problem later (in marriage) because we’ve built an unrealistic expectation of how “sexual bliss” feels like. Sexual intimacy is not merely physical – its really two hearts learning to become one, learning how to make the relationship work. Masturbation (even when no outside stimuli is involved) short circuits that process because it trains the mind to be self focused. Please read the recommended posts to learn how masturbation (and all its triggers) can rewire the brain and affect relationships.

7. raj says

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   i am unable ot control give suggestion’

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Raj, I suggest you find accountability. Confide in counsellor/mentor preferably from church. And have them walk with you. It’s hard to break the cycle alone but there’s a lot of healing and strength in accountability.

8. Bob Foy says

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   In surfing for a view that matches my own, I tfound in yours, Ngina Otiende, a brilliant essay on the subject of masturbation. As a clinical psychologist without credentials, but years of study of the subject along with brain function and motor neuron issues, in sexual practices, neurotransmitters are released, such as dopamine and serotonin, the pleasure brain drugs just like the ones in drug use such as heroin, and one can be addicted to sex while in the single state, and masturbation is not a rewarding practice; I know the struggle as I am a single man, but one must struggle and pray, meditate to resist the temptation; we need Divine help and are powerless on our own. Very Good, Ngina. Thanks. Keep up your good work.

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Bob, I am glad this post resonated. I love what you’ve said, that we are powerless on our own. It’s His divine help that makes it possible to live a life pleasing to Him. Thank you for sharing and adding to the conversation

9. Andrea Nicole says

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   WOW Ngina. This is such an honest and necessary article. Thank you!!! It’s one I will be sharing with a purity group I belong to. I loved how you said “masturbation does not lead to more freedom, only bondage.” Masturbation has never been a struggle for me but I have cried many nights and still putting the pieces of my life together over the path that choosing sexual sin and promiscuity has led me down. A divorce is just one of the casualties. I realized what great atrocity I did to myself, my family/friends (sexual sin affects everyone) but also how I hurt God’s heart. With a repentant heart and a mind to do God’s will in my life I have been happily celibate for the last 6 years. I have sexual desires and long for physical touch but the most important touch for me is one from Jesus. The Savior of my soul. I have to remind myself that a night of pleasure is not worth a separated state from Jesus. Thank you so much!!

   • Ngina Otiende says

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     Oh Andrea. Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s a powerful testimony and I love your heart and conviction to follow the Lord. Are you a writer yet?? 🙂 For sure your story will lift many! (however the Lord leads you to encourage)