Could masturbation be God’s “way out” for single Christians struggling with their sex drive?
After publishing this post and hearing from my single readers, I realize perhaps I left a few gray areas, specifically on the area of masturbation. So today I’d like dust away the cobwebs and flesh out my thoughts on masturbation.
I encourage you to read the original post, To The Single Woman Confused About Sex, to understand the context of today’s article. My goal in writing the initial post was to help the single woman understand herself and how God created her.
I explained how sexual feelings in a girl are natural. Typically we believe that only guys feel things. But girls feel things too. Our triggers are different, but we are the same.
However, since sexual expression and intimacy are reserved for a marriage relationship, God gives us wisdom and grace to live pure holy lives in our single years (and married years too.)
Desires and feelings are not supposed to control us and in my post, I shared several tips on how to keep yourself unmastered by sexual feelings.
Today I want to address the issue of masturbation. Because I’ve read articles where authors interpret 1 Corinthians 10:13 as God’s “way out” for single men and women struggling with sexual drives.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
I do not believe that masturbation is God’s answer to singles struggling with sexual drive, for one simple reason; God does not contradict Himself.
Elsewhere in the Bible, we are commanded to pursue purity of soul, body and mind.
“RUN from sexual sin” 1 Corinthians 6:18 (emphasis mine)
“Do not awaken love until its time” Song of Solomon 8:4
“Fix your thoughts on what is pure” Philippians 4:8
“do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh” Romans 13:14
“How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.” Psalm 119:9
So let us as look at different Scriptures and try to gain some clarity;
1. Masturbation does not lead to more freedom, only bondage
Indulging in an unhealthy craving does not necessarily cure or satisfy the craving. If anything, it exacerbates it; the more you entertain it, the less likely you are to stop. If you want a healthier path, you have to be willing to say “no” to urges and appetites.
Jeremiah 17: 5 says
This is what the Lord says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the Lord.
The good news for anyone who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (if you do not, you can do so now) is that you never have to fight alone.
Unfortunately, we tend to forget that simple truth. And an early sign of deception in the human heart is believing that it can save itself; thinking that somehow we can work things out without our Savior’s help. That is deception.
We cannot save ourselves; that’s the whole idea behind needing a personal Savior. Our Lord not only delivers us from eternal separation from God, but He also frees us from ongoing battle against sin here on earth.
Our attempts at self-deliverance in the form of fixing our sexual drive through masturbation leads to more hopelessness, defeat, and despair as described in the next verses
6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.
Verse 7 and 8 describe the joy and freedom of relying on God;
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
God is waiting for us to surrender our desires to Him. He wants to help!
When we make the Lord our hope and refuge, instead of our abilities, we are assured of victory. It might not be an overnight sprint, but as we continually rely upon and trust Him, victory will surely come.
2. Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage
God created sexual intimacy as a way for husband and wife to bond beyond the physical; sex in marriage is so deep it is defined as becoming one flesh. Intimacy was never meant to be a solo self-gratifying experience.
The more someone learns to gratify themselves sexually the less likely they are to want to connect and serve their spouse sexually.
And since great intimacy is a journey, not an overnight dash, even the usual adjustments and challenges common to most marriages become insurmountable.
You’ve trained your mind and body to respond to images and unrealistic stimulation and experiences which cannot be recreated in a real life relationship.
That is why masturbation goes against God’s plan; it is selfish, unhealthy and perverts His goal for intimacy. I am not beating on you if you are struggling at this moment; I just want to help you see it as God does so you can go to Him for help.
The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. Proverbs 18:10
3. We should not be mastered by anything.
As my husband noted sometimes back “There is something curiously powerful about sex. There’s a reason why even the most accomplished and affluent of men are undone by this physical and “natural” act.”
Sex is powerful. The drive is real. It is easy to be mastered. However, Apostle Paul wrote,
“I must not become a slave to anything” 1 Corinthians 6: 12 – 14
Romans 6:11-14 says
“Count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”
Sexual purity is not just a principle for single-hood, it’s also a charge for the marrieds; you have to keep yourself to your spouse.
If you cannot keep it together as a single person, you will struggle to keep it together as a married person because matrimony does not cure sexual hangups; it exposes them, sometimes makes them worse.
4. It is a dangerous slippery road
Masturbation is an exercise of imagination and visualization; typically there is no interaction with another human being.
The truth, however, is that the mental fantasies and recreations come from somewhere; the ideas and images did not plant themselves in your mind. You watched something, read something, listened to something.
“Before porn and masturbation was an issue, my major tussle with the Holy Spirit was my movies and series in my laptop. They had sex scenes and half naked women but I saw no need to be so strict about them because after all, I was doing pretty well with my spiritual disciplines” shares one man who was delivered from masturbation.
Like other types of sin, masturbation does not leave you where it found you. The way human beings are made, we need more of the same thing to attain a similar high.
It might start with sensual shows on TV but soon slides to watching pornography on the internet. And current research shows big connection between pornography and human trafficking and slavery.
Most people will not end up in human trafficking or slavery, but indulging in masturbation and pornography is supporting the industry.
In closing, here are takeaways I’d like for you to remember;
– Sexual intimacy is a beautiful gift from God to a married couple. Before marriage, God has another grace for the single person – the grace of chastity.
“But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. 1 Corinthians 7:7 NLT
– God will help you not to “awaken love until it’s time.” Sexual feelings are not “wrong.” (Read To The Single Woman Confused About Sex)
– Christ delivers from all sin, including masturbation
– To overcome masturbation, you need accountability. Confide in a trusted mentor/pastor/counselor and allow them to walk you through to freedom.
– Someone raised the question “what if a person is only is addicted to the feeling – no porn or external stimuli or sexual imagination involved, just that feeling of bliss?”
Here was my answer;
“It’s still not helpful or healthy. Purity is a matter of the heart, about what is going on inside you, not just what triggers it. Plus the problem with learning to satisfy oneself is that it becomes a problem later (in marriage) because we’ve built an unrealistic expectation of how “sexual bliss” feels like.
Sexual intimacy is not merely physical – it’s two hearts learning to become one, learning how to make the relationship work. Masturbation, even when no outside stimuli is involved, short circuits that process because it trains the mind to be self focused.”
If you are struggling with masturbation or pornography or simply want to learn more, please read this excellent post and testimony on how to one man overcame both. Also take a look at this other post, a first-hand experience (and warning) by a husband on how pornography has effected his marriage and intimacy. For practical steps on how to overcome masturbation check out this post.
And if you are engaged to be married (or newly married) and long to understand and enjoy how God wired you for sexual intimacy in marriage, please check out my book “The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. It’s a handbook for engaged women and guide for newlywed wives who desire deeper intimacy and confidence with their husbands. Buy the book from Kindle I Paperback I Nook I PDF I PDF UK & Europe. Or Click here to go to book page. 
And what you’re advocating is both unhealthy for the body and mind. Growing up in church, it took me years to get over the psychological effects of sexual repression and thinking I was a horrible person worthy of Hell Fire because I couldn’t control the urge to get off. Going days at a time tormenting myself, unable to even think of anything else followed by extreme guilt when I ‘screwed up,’ because I truly believed at the time and really did want to please God. Yet of course I hadn’t been educated enough in biology at the time to realize that you fill up and need to release just as much so as with taking a dump, and that not doing so is damaging physically as well with causing future prostate problems. This is one of the primary reasons I finally got myself out of the church and finally really got to know God. As a woman, you don’t have that biological need to get off, but sexual repression still leads to psychological and sexual problems in marriage later on down the road.
But if we’re going on the Biblical, the only mention of masturbation in and of itself being anything but normal is a verse in the Old Testament stating that a man is unclean for the rest of the day after ejaculation. No sin offering required, simply unclean. The Old Testament is far more restrictive than the new in terms of the law, so to assume Paul’s letters were referring to masturbation as opposed to the sexual sins described in the Old Testament would be a rather odd interpretation. As for the words of Jesus, the only part of the Bible I even care to look to for wisdom after realizing that it was little more than mythology, his only mention of sexuality and sin was not to lust after your neighbor’s wife and to not commit adultery. No mention even of fornication, masturbation, or even lust in general. Simply don’t list for another man’s wife, and don’t cheat on a spouse. Both very good words of wisdom.
If you’re going to advise people to follow Christ, speak the message of Christ: ‘Love God with all you have and love thy neighbor as thyself.’ Don’t take the message of the church preaching similar ideas to the Pharisees and pass it off as the message of Christ.
There’s a difference between the biology of “night emissions” (where the body ejaculates when a person is asleep, more common in the younger years) and actively stimulating oneself for sexual pleasure. I am addressing the latter. By the way, wet dreams happen to women as well, though not as often as men.
As far as preaching the whole message of Christ, the whole Bible is the whole message of Christ. Certainly, the gospel is summed up “Love God and love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22: 37-40 but thats the sum of the whole: everything within the Bible IS true.
There are things that the Bible doesn’t address directly or call out by name but that doesn’t mean it’s silent on the matter. That’s why don’t pick and choose topics, or look for wording that may not have existed back then: we look at the rest of the Bible to understand God’s position on issues. That’s what we do with masturbation: we ask “what’s the heart of it, what does the Bible say about sexuality and purity and wholeness”
The goal of this post is to address the heart of masturbation, not just the action. The Bible is clear, (look at the verses above) sexual exploration outside marriage is unhelpful and a sin. And it’s for our protection, not just a “rule” without a reason, like I’ve pointed out in the post.
I love reading erotic novels and it gives me sexual urge I have tried to stop reading the books but I keep going. what can I do.
You need to stop reading erotica. You won’t get free unless you do. I was also addicted to romance novels..could devour several books in a few hours! Once I decided these books weren’t helping me keep my godly standards, i got rid of them. You won’t stop if you keep them around you. Confide in a godly friend (accountability and support), get busy outside the house, ask God to help you.
I find this really unfair! I am a single person now at 30 years of age! I have only had 1 boyfriend. He committed suicide on valentines day. :'( i have never had sex before but done other sexual things. I don’t understand why i can’t experiment with myself in a non lustful way to help me be more relaxed when i do get to make love with a man! The way i see it is if i have to be totally holy & do nothing, i am going to be more uptight, more anxious & nervous to have sex when i do get the chance! Its not right, like i want it to be a nice experience but if i have to live like that then it will more than likely won’t be.
Katherine, I am so sorry about your boyfriend. That’s hard. I do want to correct that myth though, that masturbation will help you prepare for sex in marriage. IT WON’T. Like I have shared above, this is a self-focused activity: it’s not a shared experience within the bonds of marriage. Thus you will have a hard time bringing someone else into that space which you have already claimed as your own. To be more blunt, no one can turn you on faster or better than you/vibrator. Humans don’t do that. Humans (husband and wife) RELATE. Great sexual intimacy comes out of great a relationship. When you bring in a husband he has to LEARN what makes you tick. You have to teach him. And that’s a more difficult if you have learned to fulfill yourself. Please take time to read the posts I have mentioned at the bottom, particularly the post by the husband who is struggling to connect to his wife because he was used to masturbate as a single man.
To help you prepare for intimacy in marriage, there are wonderful resources out there. When the time comes you can pick up my book “The Wedding Night” or Sheila Gregoires’ “Good girls guide to great sex” Both books are available on Amazon.
I am a man and this makes me angery at God.all these rules all these dos and don’t you can’t do this you can’t do that.God is uptight it makes it hard to want to serve him.
Shane, whenever we doubt God’s nature as described in the Bible, we should explore our view as opposed to assuming we are correct in our judgements. I’ve learned that just because I feel God is a certain way doesn’t mean He is that way. A lot of times our view of God is shaped by personal experiences and the worldview around us. I encourage you to seek out a good Christian man in your real-life circle to help you work through the questions and angsts you have about God. Even better, tell God what you think/feel and invite Him to that conversation. Be open and willing. He is not far/complicated as we think He is.
How about if the person only is addicted to the feeling like drugs just the feeling. No porn no external stimuli just that feeling of bliss. No sexual imagination just feel?
It’s still not helpful or healthy. Purity is a matter of the heart, about what is going on inside you, not just what triggers it. The problem with learning to satisfy oneself is that it becomes a problem later (in marriage) because we’ve built an unrealistic expectation of how “sexual bliss” feels like. Sexual intimacy is not merely physical – its really two hearts learning to become one, learning how to make the relationship work. Masturbation (even when no outside stimuli is involved) short circuits that process because it trains the mind to be self focused. Please read the recommended posts to learn how masturbation (and all its triggers) can rewire the brain and affect relationships.
i am unable ot control give suggestion’
Raj, I suggest you find accountability. Confide in counsellor/mentor preferably from church. And have them walk with you. It’s hard to break the cycle alone but there’s a lot of healing and strength in accountability.
In surfing for a view that matches my own, I tfound in yours, Ngina Otiende, a brilliant essay on the subject of masturbation. As a clinical psychologist without credentials, but years of study of the subject along with brain function and motor neuron issues, in sexual practices, neurotransmitters are released, such as dopamine and serotonin, the pleasure brain drugs just like the ones in drug use such as heroin, and one can be addicted to sex while in the single state, and masturbation is not a rewarding practice; I know the struggle as I am a single man, but one must struggle and pray, meditate to resist the temptation; we need Divine help and are powerless on our own. Very Good, Ngina. Thanks. Keep up your good work.
Bob, I am glad this post resonated. I love what you’ve said, that we are powerless on our own. It’s His divine help that makes it possible to live a life pleasing to Him. Thank you for sharing and adding to the conversation
WOW Ngina. This is such an honest and necessary article. Thank you!!! It’s one I will be sharing with a purity group I belong to. I loved how you said “masturbation does not lead to more freedom, only bondage.” Masturbation has never been a struggle for me but I have cried many nights and still putting the pieces of my life together over the path that choosing sexual sin and promiscuity has led me down. A divorce is just one of the casualties. I realized what great atrocity I did to myself, my family/friends (sexual sin affects everyone) but also how I hurt God’s heart. With a repentant heart and a mind to do God’s will in my life I have been happily celibate for the last 6 years. I have sexual desires and long for physical touch but the most important touch for me is one from Jesus. The Savior of my soul. I have to remind myself that a night of pleasure is not worth a separated state from Jesus. Thank you so much!!
Oh Andrea. Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s a powerful testimony and I love your heart and conviction to follow the Lord. Are you a writer yet?? 🙂 For sure your story will lift many! (however the Lord leads you to encourage)