The Uncomfortable Truth About Men Who Dominate and Exploit (Hint, They Ruin Their Relationships)

Is it common for wives to mistreat their husbands as they grow older?

I’ll let that marinate for a second…

Recently, I watched a clip where a male speaker discussed wives mistreating their husbands in old age.¹  

I won’t link to the video here², but the point he seemed to be making, at least in that clip, was that men should understand that if they hoard all the power in their younger years, once they are old, the women take back the power, refuse to submit to their authority, and even start calling the shots. 

I know. He said the quiet parts out loud.

So he had a fix. “Men, make sure you have enough money so that you’re able to take care of yourself in your old age. But if you have no money, cross your fingers and hope your wife becomes a Christian because a Christian wife will forgive you.” (This is a shortened version of his “advice,” which came complete with some examples from his family of origin.)

In his calculation, finances were an important factor in a wife’s “obedience” to her husband. So, the man needed to ensure he still had plenty of it to continue being in charge of her and the relationship. 

This person was speaking from a stage in what appeared to be a large room, with both men and women present. Judging from the unending laughter, especially at the anecdotes from his personal life, it appeared his audience thought he was funny hilarious.  

Men Who Dominate and Exploit: The Misuse of Power

The misuse of power should not be taken lightly.

Coercive control and exploiting behavior are not funny. Switching roles and painting the perpetrator as the victim to elicit sympathy (instead of calling for change and accountability) is not funny. In an ideal world, the room would have been dead silent.

The fact that the speaker thought Christianity was the only thing that could “save” the authoritarian man from reaping the consequences of his actions tells you everything about an abusive mindset: the Christian faith is yet another tool in their bag of tricks and a chosen path to escape accountability. Read If Her Abusive Husband is in Recovery, Shouldn’t a Wife Stay?

In this blog, we discuss bad Christian marriage advice and why we need to rethink and overhaul belief systems that lead to harm. I know. Some people don’t want to change: many Christians are actually quite happy with the way things are currently. But I write to validate and support those who have been harmed and to educate those who want to become better allies. 

In the course of writing this blog, sometimes, people tell me I’m overreacting. They say, “It’s not that bad,”, “We need to be balanced.”  And then repeatedly, I come across their ideas of “not that bad.” 

Tens of videos of speakers (including pastors and authors) selling enslavement and anointing it with Christianity. All while the “let’s be balanced” audience sits back and laughs as users, abusers and their sympathizers talk about how to exploit the vulnerable and escape responsibility. Read Why Pastors Need Accountability Too

Other people say, “But these so-called pastors and speakers are on the fringe. Regular normal people don’t think like that. Plus, some people are just old-fashioned. Things have changed.” 

And I wish they were right, that regular Christians have zero conditioning and pursue higher values. But they are wrong. These “fringe thoughts” are being taught by leaders of mega-churches. The “new world” we hope for is filled with younger people repeating the same harmful, patriarchal stuff from the previous generation.

If we want things to change, we must change what we teach. We must speak up and stop letting things slide. We must accept that many women are married to domineering, coercing men. Women and children are living in fear and poverty. And some men have no problem turning their plight into punch lines while painting perpetrators as victims. We need to protest and call it out.

“Maybe it was a joke.”

Because a lot of Christians are uncomfortable with directness, someone might say “It was a joke! People were laughing about it.” But I’m thinking, if the video clip was a “joke” or even part of a larger illustration, it makes everything worse, not better. 

Intimate partner violence is not something anyone should be fumbling about and making jokes about. (The clip didn’t appear to be a joke though.)  

And let us remember that men misbehaving and refusing to be held accountable and instead labeling women the problem is not a fringe thought. Using religion to exploit people instead of protect them is not on the outer limits. It’s common. Read More When Pastors Exploit in the Name of Christ.

And things won’t change until we’re willing to change.

Men Who Dominate and Exploit: My Comment

Here’s the comment I left under the video. (Slightly edited for clarity)

“This is a cautionary tale for hierarchical marriages. Rather than lamenting the loss of power and throwing women under the bus, perhaps we should be teaching men to share power (treat their wives as equals) so they can enjoy a happy, healthy marriage all their lives. It’s sad that men know exactly what NOT to do in marriage, but they go ahead and do it anyway. Some men would rather rant and rave about her survival instincts than ensure she’s safe and happy (which would in turn lead to the happy long-lasting relationship he wants.)”

I found it fascinating how the male speaker could articulate all the “problems” male partners seemed to have in their old age, but when it came the solution, a hard left towards the pile of manure was his preferred move. 

The inability of some men to read the room is nothing new. The trend in the manosphere is to “identify” all the problems and then offer all the wrong solutions.

Men Who Dominate and Exploit in Relationships

So, let’s talk about it: Is it common for wives to mistreat their husbands as they grow older?

I can’t speak to every situation, obviously. And, of course, I’m not a clinician, researcher, or mental health worker.

I’m a woman with a brain and observational capacity. From that vantage point, I know that we reap what we sow. If you sow discord and authoritarianism in your relationship, when you can no longer exert yourself on another, your captive will crawl out from under your thumb. 

Their escape (physical, emotional, mental, financial, and other ways people can be free) is precisely what you as the jailer needs to come to terms with your actions. Unfortunately, self-reflection, growth, and healing are rarely the go-to for chronic users and abusers.

They prefer to nest in their fine mansions of misery, ranting about how their captive got free and how utterly ridiculous they look, enjoying life away from them. “Look at their rebellion!” They wail as an Image Bearer of God re-discovers her personhood and learns to thrive.       

And let’s not forget survival instincts (also known as trauma responses.) They are real. She will survive. And sometimes, it won’t be pretty, especially for the person bent on owning and exploiting, even when his physical or economic decline stands in the way.

“But women mistreat good men too.”

Someone brought up how some women mistreat men, too, no matter how good the men try to be. 

It’s a typical reaction whenever I talk about men misbehaving. “Women too” is a favorite comeback for some people. It appears that some men do not understand that they cannot excuse their own bad behavior by pointing to bad behavior in women. For the “not all men” crew, I have a few blog posts, starting with this one Why “Not All Churches” is a Problematic Response to Religious and Marriage Harm

Here’s what I wrote back to the Commenter: “You’re right. Some women are nefarious. But the context of this speaker is a man who hoarded all the power and did not treat his wife well and it comes back to bite him later. The setup isn’t a woman being nefarious because that’s her character but a woman who has been “sat on” and finally says enough is enough or simply figures how to survive away from his control.”

For more on why advocating for womens’ needs does not invalidate the male experience, check out this post Do Pastors Ask Women to Be Saviors and Mothers to Their Husbands?

Wrapping Up: Men Who Dominate and Exploit

Here’s my solution to this enormous problem some men seem to have:

Men, if you want a good marriage, invest in making it good. Be a good man. If you’re mean, selfish, and controlling, your wife is not obligated to be “nice,” selfless, pliable, and trusting. If you want “a good wife,” be a good husband. But whatever your beliefs are, know this: you can’t be a jerk for 40 years and be rewarded with a blissful marriage. Not reality. Not how relationships work. Get to work on yourself and your wounds. If your inner health is something you’re interested in, please check out this website.

And to the women married to men who exploit and dominate:

I want you to know it’s not your fault. You did/are doing nothing to make him be who he is. It’s his choice to be that way. And he knows what he’s doing. There’s nothing you can do to turn your bad man into a good man. You can’t “good wife” your way to a safe marriage. God doesn’t expect you to fix your irresponsible partner or the marriage (which is broken as a result of your husband’s irresponsibility.) You can shake off the burden, shame and guilt.³

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You Can’t Fix a Bad Marriage by Yourself

But sometimes in the Christian world, we hear, “you can fix your partner’s harming/chronically hurting ways if you ignore your own limits, shrink your needs and absorb all the responsibilities of the relating.” Of course the latter part is left unsaid. The reality is that marriage is not designed to operate on the goodness or decency of one spouse. If you are tired of being told to take your place in the valley of desolation, Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is for you. ORDER AMAZON I PDF

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• FOOTNOTES
• 1. The context (and consequently this post) is not about Elder Maltreatment, which is defined as “(a) intentional actions that cause harm or create a serious risk of harm (whether or not harm is intended) to a vulnerable older person by a caregiver or other person who stands in a trust relationship to the elder, or (b) failure by a caregiver to satisfy the older person’s basic needs or to protect him or her from harm (elder neglect).” This post is about the possible evolvement of a relationship dynamic between a wife and husband where chronic mistreatment and exploitation by the husband have been the norm. For help with Elder Maltreatment click here.
• 2. I have not linked the video because 1) it’s a clip on IG on someone else’s page, 2) I am not sure everyone will understand cultural contexts and language, and 3) I hesitate to send more views and have IG think the video is popular and so push it to more people. 
• 3. To the women married to men who exploit and dominate: When you’re ready to explore, there are people waiting to walk with you: Click here and scroll to the bottom of page.