When Your Husband Only Wants You Sexually: Your First 5 Steps

My husband only wants me sexually is a position a wife should never find herself in.

We don’t marry for sex. At least I hope we didn’t marry for sex: We marry a person to love and cherish, not a body to have sex with.

If we neglect the soul and spirit of that person, we must understand we’re losing access to that person’s body.

Sometimes back, I heard from a wife who was frustrated because her husband felt entitled to her body with little to no desire to meet her needs outside the bedroom.

Her email wasn’t unusual. Relationship neglect is a recurring theme in my inbox.

Many married women feel neglected in marriage unless sex is at play. And the women just don’t know how to get their husbands to understand how relational neglect and sexual entitlement dynamic makes them feel.

Let me be honest and admit that I found it difficult to write this post: the topic feels a little over my head. Then my husband and I had a chat that clarified some things for me. I needed a central place to send women who wrote to me about relationship neglect and sexual compliance.

I am not a professional therapist, and I don’t provide diagnosis, therapy, counseling, treatment, or mental care services. Everything I say in this post is for educative purposes only.

I’m a marriage coach (some sections of this post will be very direct) and a fellow human being. I want to set up women for success. Further, this an area I’ve had to grow in, so I am not “talking at” women or couples, rather, sharing what I’ve learned and hoping it will be helpful to you too.

Marriage bloggers and authors, J. Parker and Sheila Gregoire have helped tremendously in my growth of what it means to have healthy sexuality in marriage. Sheila’s “obligation sex” video brought a lot of clarity to my own struggles. I’ve linked to some of their posts throughout this post, so make sure to check them out!

My Husband Only Wants Me Sexually: Who This Article is For

This post can also benefit women married to men who love them but who have unhealthy sexual expectations. Wives who have an overall healthy marriage but need to speak up, who want sex can be something they look forward to. 

When Your Husband Ignores You Unless He Wants Something 

Marriage is not where the practice of love goes to die. Married Christians don’t get a pass: we don’t practice unkindness, immaturity, disrespect, pride, unrepentance and cover it up by calling it “the married life.” 

Listen to Luke 10:25-27 ESV. To the person who wanted to know how to get eternal life, Jesus affirmed the greatest commandment.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself."

Married people are included in that commandment. If we’re not practicing love for our neighbor in that way, if we’re chronically hurting rather than loving, then perhaps we haven’t really understood the love of God (See also 1 John 4:7‭-‬8.) As the spouse on the receiving end of persistent disregard and immaturity, you owe it to yourself, to draw a firm line.

You don’t have to allow in your marriage relationship dynamics you wouldn’t allow in other relationships.

My Husband is Too Sexually Demanding

The fastest way to healthy intimacy when a wife feels “my husband only wants me sexually” is for the husband to change. If a man isn’t keen on repentance and growth however, the next option is for a wife to exercise her God-given agency. (See the five ideas below.)

By the time Christian wives get to needing to draw boundaries, they have already pleaded and begged for change. Not that anyone has to plead and beg for a healthy marriage. But many women find themselves in that place. If you’ve been asking for change and nothing has changed, I am so sorry.

Some of what I am about to say next might be helpful. The best step, if you have access, is to seek support for yourself in the form of skilled, licensed counseling, preferably from a professional trained in abuse and trauma.

(Note I said “support for yourself.” Don’t seek couple’s counseling because this is an individual problem and regular couples counseling doesn’t work when it’s the individual who has problems and where there’s elements of manipulation, exploitation and coercive control in the relationship.)

So what do you do when you are sexually disconnected, but still have sex because you think that’s what good Christian wives do? What are the possible next steps after you realize “my husband only wants me sexually,” but being sexually available when the rest of the relationship is overlooked doesn’t work anymore?

My Husband Feels Entitled to My Body – 5 Things To Consider

1. Know you are loved 

God did not design marriage to be a place where his children get broken and hurt and destroyed.

Marriage is not more important than the people in it. The hurt in your marriage does not reflect who God is or the plan He has for your life. God’s love and concern is not measured by how bad (or even how good!) a marriage is doing. Read More Dear Wife, You Are More Than a Marriage  

2 Sift. 

Run from people who tell you to sit in your brokenness and do absolutely nothing about it, even when said people are your best friends, pastors, or mentors.

No one gets final say when it comes to what you should do with your life, particularly when you’re the one suffering. You have the final say. God works through our will: what we allow and what we reject.

So you get to decide who speaks into your life. Just because someone feels entitled to your body or to your marriage or to your friendship doesn’t mean they are.

God created us with the ability to think, feel, make decisions, and act. Certainly, we can get healthy support and community. But even they can’t do for us what we need to do for ourselves.

3. Long-term wholeness. 

If you’re not ready to take any steps yet, that’s okay too because you have the power to make that decision: you have a voice and it matters. When you’re ready to move forward, you’ll eventually need to dig deep and address some things.

Your husband is entirely to blame for neglecting all or most of your needs. His issues are his to own. 

In contending for your health, you’ll eventually come to a place where you’ll address the underlying beliefs that have you where you’re today. That season might not be today or even tomorrow. But for long term wholeness and flourishing, you’ll need to explore some of the beliefs that made “my husband only wants me sexually” (i.e., you feel like you should have sex even when relationally neglected) part of your marriage. Read More Victim Blaming or Post Trauma Growth?

To be clear, again, your husband’s failures are your fault: Your husband is entirely to blame for neglecting all or most of your needs. His issues are his to own. 

Your steps are yours to own too. And to fully explore what it means to be a healthy person, you’ll need to address some of your underlying beliefs because beliefs shape our values, and our values ultimately shape our world. 

Those exact next steps are beyond the scope of this blog post, and I encourage you to find a licensed counselor and allow them to walk you through this season of your life. You can also check out these online resources and websites that help women in your situation:

• Wilderness to WILD with Sarah McDugal
• Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman.
• National Domestic Violence website.
• National Sexual Assault  website.

4. Expect push-back. 

So you believe you deserve more in your marriage, and even believe you can discuss it with your husband for the first time.

Please note that people who (knowingly or unknowingly) use others dislike being told “no.” Even those willing to change, when confronted with their wrong, it can be hard. So be wise and careful because some spouses will escalate when told “no.” Check out Sarah McDugal for more on that.

Some husbands are unwilling to change. In fact, many reading this know their spouses are happy with the way things are. They have raised their concern for years, and nothing has changed. If that’s your situation, please see a licensed counselor who is trained in trauma and abuse, check out the resources mentioned in #3. 

5. Get support…but 

Finally, be wise. Don’t upset the status quo if you feel unsafe in any way.

Some spouses will dislike their partner’s growth; they’ll hate boundaries and not having their way. But where a spouse was in the dark about how his neglect was affecting his wife,(and “in the dark” can also mean they never face the consequences of their entitlement) her growth and change will be the best thing to happen to him. 

Also, it’s important to remember that some husbands have unhealthy sexual expectations because it’s all they’ve ever known.

They were taught that sexual satisfaction for the man is paramount, and wives don’t like sex that much – so husbands need sex, even it she’s not very happy about it. A husband might lack relationship skills and don’t know how to make sex pleasurable for his wife. Read More Do You Owe Your Husband Sex? Duty Sex in Marriage

If that’s your husband, if he feels owed because he’s clueless, (and that’s on him, not on you) or because you haven’t had a productive conversation, he needs to be educated. He needs to get accountable.

If he’s interested in getting healthy, remember that’s on him too. Not on you. It’s not your job to coddle or mother or “help” him get healthy. He needs to find the help and engage with the process himself. Check out Andrew J Bauman for more on that.

If a husband is intentionally neglectful and doesn’t really care for change, it’s up to the wife to find her growth and freedom through counseling and other forms of support. So get counseling for yourself, without your husband.

If, at some point, your spouse decides he wants to change, let him get into counseling as an individual. Individual problems must be approached individually and not mixed up as a marriage problem. Read More If Her Abusive Husband is in Recovery, Shouldn’t a Wife Stay?

My Husband Only Wants Me Sexually: What I am NOT Saying:

Here’s what I am not saying in this post

• Leave your husband

All decisions are yours to make: Pause, think, reflect, plan, talk. If you’re in any danger, you can take action as you pray and think. But even those necessary steps need some forethought and support.  

What I am saying: Advocate for your health, wellness, and safety. Pray AND act.

You might be in a fog, and that’s really okay – you’re not crazy. In fact, it’s for that reason having someone hold your hand and remind you of godly truth as you take small steps, is beneficial.

Overall, you don’t have to take massive steps: just one tiny step at a time. 

For example, your one action today might be to talk to God about your thoughts and feelings. Not general prayers, but actual naming of feelings, thoughts, repercussions, frustrations, fears. Tell God what is going on within you without the “spiritual” filters.

Taking that small step might not feel like significant progress. But it is forward movements. Healthy outcomes don’t happen overnight. Healthy outcomes are often a result of small actions made over time. 

Whatever you do, don’t want for the source of your pain to be the source of your clarity or deliverance, especially if they haven’t been responsive in the past.

By that, I mean don’t mistakenly believe sexual availability will fix the sexual dysfunction in your marriage. Most sexual dysfunction isn’t about sex, to begin with, so more sex won’t fix the problem. It will most likely worsen it. 

My Husband Only Wants Me Sexually: Your Key Takeaway 

I hope you will advocate for your health, wellness, and safety, and let that lead. Championing for your health and dignity will not be easy.

You’ll might overwhelmed. Sometimes that “overrun” feeling is just our brains’ way of looking for security. It shuts down when there’s too much to handle and you think, “I can’t do this.” When you reach that point, it’s essential to 

1. Just breath. Check out Sarah Jackson Coaching for more.
2. Speak to yourself (as opposed to accepting all messaging as accurate)
3. Take small actions.

Let’s quickly dissect two of these steps.

Say you’re feeling sad and used. You don’t have the energy to address how bad sex feels for you. That’s okay. Your thoughts and feelings are normal. You’re not crazy for feeling how you are feeling. So before anything else, you need to accept your emotions as okay: sit awhile and process.  

When you are ready (and you get to decide when you are ready) When you’re feeling a little lighter, you’ll follow up with a vision for what you want. In other words, you’ll speak life. That might look like:

"I don't want to stay tired and angry and frustrated. I don't want a disconnected relationship any more. Even though I am tired and I don't have the capacity to bring it up again, I now realize that I don't have to fix it all in one today. I have permission to grow, one small step at a time.  That means I can do one step today. Even if that step is just breathing. And when I'm lighter, during my lunch break, I will get to click one or two links in this post, read up on this area and gain some knowledge." 

Notice, you didn’t deny your feelings, but you also didn’t stay paralyzed. You spoke life and took one small step (educating yourself), and that’s forward movement. 

My Husband Only Wants Me Sexually: Wrapping Up

Some of what I’ve said in this post might appear one-sided and harsh towards husbands. I hope we remember the context of our discussion: some husbands don’t fit that context.

My goal with this post is to equip women who don’t believe they have an option in the face of chronic neglect. I want them to know they do.

As I stated at the beginning, I am making observations as a coach and helping women figure out some possible next steps. I acknowledge I haven’t heard “the whole story” (because folks remind me that I haven’t heard from the husband.) But when I look at my inbox and I see a theme, I think it’s important to address it.

Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns I Ebook

Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse:  A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns by abuse recovery coach Sarah McDugal outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Guiding survivors to break through the fog and assisting victims to remember and articulate their experiences. Access Now.