The Problem With Churches Asking Couples to Commit to “No Divorce”

“Prayers for no divorce” is an actual practice by some churches.

Pastors, marriage leaders or elders will ask couples to make declarations and prayers over their marriages and part of the prayers include “no divorce” declarations.

I think that’s problematic.

The Problem With “Prayers for No Divorce“

Nearly half of divorces are due to life-saving reasons. (Source.) Religious conservatism does not make an unsafe person safer. Many of the problems we attempt to solve through prayer are deep character issues that require more than just prayer.

And many spouses in abusive marriages do not know they are in abusive marriages. See Why Women Don’t Know If Their Marriages Are Harmful

With all these in mind, “prayers for no divorce” is not the best practice for all couples. (And I mean, God allows divorce for a reason.)

So, rather than denouncing divorce or asking couples to pray away divorce, churches should be condemning the wickedness that LEADS to divorce. Like abuse. Life-upending addictions. Chronic porn-use. Infidelity. Hard-core neglect of a spouse. Criminal behavior. Unrepentant entitlement.

Rather than ask couples to commit to a no-divorce policy or offer prayers for no divorce, churches should be asking couples to commit to zero abuse, zero adultery, zero neglect, zero abandonment, zero harm.

Instead of asking couples to never divorce or remove the word divorce from their vocabulary (a preposterous thought if you think about it because divorce IS part of the vocabulary of Scripture!), marriage teachings should be highlighting empathy, mutuality, honor, and respect as non-negotiables for couples.

And while we have couples up there, it should be clear that there are repercussions for unrepentant hard-heartedness.

That if you neglect, abuse, or in any way wreck your spouse with no real repentance, you will most definitely lose them, and the church will be 1000percent behind the wounded suffering mate.

Rather than “let’s remove divorce from our vocabulary,” or “let’s offer prayers for no divorce,” churches should normalize “this is how we build a fabulous healthy marriage” + “this is what you get if you harm your spouse with no repentance” conversations.

What is God Saying About Divorce? Healthy Marriages

Frankly, I get it. Some of us talking about removing divorce from a couple’s vocabulary are actually encouraging regular married folk with their regular married folk problems—not addressing abusive, dysfunctional, entitled, power-driven, toxic marriages.

But here’s the thing: those distinctions are rarely presented.

When “altar calls” are made for married folk to recommit their marriages, nobody says, “Don’t think about the D-word UNLESS your spouse is trying to murder your soul and body (with thanks to Sarah McDugal for that part of the quote!) in which case our arms and hearts are wide open to support your wholeness and safety. Here’s our process for supporting those in chronically hurting or abusive marriages…”

The truth is that people in healthy marriages need help understanding why a distinction matters: we need to be broken out of our “happy marriage” silo and understand that a big portion of God’s people are hurting and unseen. Our language and approach needs to change: We can’t dismiss the cries of the hurting with “I wasn’t addressing your circumstances.” That attitude is furthest thing from Jesus.

Jesus saw. Jesus stopped. Jesus loved. As His followers, we have plenty to repent of if we’re to represent His heart and character fully.

So let’s normalize putting the cart AFTER the horse. It’s a much better way to inspire health in marriage, actually. Because then, people who ought to stay married stay healthily married, and those who need to get out of a toxic, abusive marriage know they are loved and supported, whatever path they choose.

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