Why marriage first?
When we say we are prioritizing something, typically it means we had other options.
Many couples want hot happy relationships, but they struggle when it comes to putting the effort required to make the relationship hot and happy.
Essentially, they want A Class relationships, but are only willing to put in C Class attention.
Here’s something we all need to understand – we all have to work at keeping marriage first. You don’t have to look far to find something screaming “pick me! pick me! pick me! now!”
Maybe it’s a job, going back to school to advance a career, a promotion, traveling, coffee with a friend, family obligations, long phone call with someone in need, business meetings, ministry obligations e.t.c .
We all have something to occupy all our waking hours.
What we lack is the ability to say “No” or “Not now”
I know many of you reading this are busy. We are busy women.
Today I just want to lay a challenge before you, what are you busy doing?
I have come to discover, often painfully, that just because I can do something, even succeed at it, does not mean I should be doing it.
Why?
Because priorities.
I want my marriage to be a certain way – hot, impactful, fulfilling. But it won’t get there by itself.
Wanting it, talking about it, even praying about it, won’t get it there. I have to be intentional about it – intentional about my energy and time.
It has to be that this relationship, this vow I took before God and man – gets my highest attention, after my relationship with God.
I can be other things – like a writer, a motivator and capacity builder but I have to decide what I want the most. (And I already decided what I wanted the most the day I said “I do”)
After that decision comes the alignment – organizing my life around the marriage, not the other way round.
Therein lies the struggle for most of us.
We love our marriage, but when push comes to shove, our marriage bears the brunt.
We think “My husband will always be there but this opportunity won’t”
Or
“Other people do it, why can’t we?”
We plan our marriages around our lives and then wonder why we struggle.
So lets consider all your (and my) busyness
Is the Lord leading you in your busyness or are you doing things simply because you can?
Are you overly committed because you want more money and more stuff? On that note, do you know that God’s primary desire for us is not to be rich in dollars but to be rich towards Him?
Being rich in Him involves living within His will for our lives.
Mark you, money isn’t bad, but being a slave of money, sacrificing your relationship because of money, is.
You might be in the midst of a busyness-storm, wondering what to do.
Maybe you need to accept the fact that the only thing that will restore sanity to your life and marriage is to clip the schedules and lessen your load.
I am a HUGE fan of pursuing purpose, I encourage women to go big on dreams. I am not implying that married women should not pursue big dreams.
But we have to recognize that no matter how big our dreams are, how high our aspirations are, we cannot do it all.
We are not supposed to do it all.
We are supposed to pick and choose. And we picked and chose the #1 priority on the day we said “I do”.
Trusting God to hold you
Often times, it comes down to trust.
Do I trust God to take care of us when I answer the call to stay at home and raise the kids?
Do I trust God with my career, that He will bring other opportunities in future if I turn down a promotion which would take me out of state?
If you are serious about following God and creating a marriage that preaches the gospel, you have to accept that there’s stuff you won’t be able to do.
Promotions you can’t take, people you can’t hang out with, stuff you have to leave. Not (always) because it’s wrong, but because it’s not for you.
Because you are spirit-led and can discern God’s will. You are sensitive to things that encroach your boundaries and are passionate about protecting your highest treasures.
You see, your marriage is meant to preach the gospel. Somebody is supposed to look at you and think “There’s something about those two, I don’t know what it is, but they are different”
Someone should look at what you have and want it for themselves.
But you cannot create this relationship that shares the good news, in a hurried, stress-filled chaotic space.
Does God want us to be successful? Does He want us to sit in circles of influence?
Does He want us to be highly educated? Does He want us to be movers and shakers?
Yes, yes yes!
But all these, at His sending.
He goes with those He sends.
We don’t send ourselves, He sends us!
We trust and discern what God wants us to do. Not what seems okay to do.
Marriage first – there’s a price to pay
It’s not that we won’t ever have to sacrifice or stretch as married women. I am not saying our lives should be easy and comfortable.
I am saying that we should be Spirit-led, not led of the flesh.
If you are that person that has to go back to school to earn that second degree (you’ve prayed about it, discussed with hubby, feel it’s God’s will), God’s grace and peace will keep you.
But if you are a friend of that person that has gone back to school to earn their second degree, and now you feel you must get yours also …. that’s what I am trying to address today.
The idea that we can survive on another person’s grace.
The idea that our marriage can survive, even thrive, in the face of constant neglect, disengagement, busyness, high levels of stress.
The idea that marriage is not a sacrifice, that one spouse can do whatever they wish and the other spouse should lovingly support them.
The idea that when we said “I do”, we did not say “I don’t” to other paths and ideas.
The Bible says
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33
God is a God of order – first things first.
And with it we also understand that “all these things” might not get added on our time frame.
There’s a sacrifice to marital intimacy.
You might have to “drive a car for ten years or more. You may have to forego expensive vacations. You may have to make do with hand-me-downs and shopping in the thrift stores rather than going to Nordstrom.. Kevin Leman.
We don’t obey God, because of the benefits we get all though He’s good and loves to bless us. We obey God because He is God. Because we love Him.
And of course we don’t want to get to heaven and watch all our earthly accomplishments and successes go up in flames!
“But I was so gifted and successful in this area, God, why doesn’t it count? “
And God will say “Because I did not call you to it!”
Your turn – What do you think about priorities? Have we become too busy as couples? How are you protecting your marriage from the “busyness” of life?
~
For a step by step guide on how to keep your marriage first, find joy, healing and happiness in the midst of a busy of life, pick up my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years. I show you how to create a solid foundation for a marriage that will last. Get on the road to a great marriage (or improve the one you have) when you pick it up> Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe PDF . Or Click here to go to the book page.
Linking with Wifey Wednesday, Wedded Wednesday
I intended to comment on this a few days ago, but this was such a great and timely message. God has been dealing in my life with order and prioritizing my time each day. And within the last two weeks He’s laid before me resources that have helped me better manage my time and prioritize those things which are most important in my life and specifically in this season. One tool that has been so tremendous in helping me to do this an online conference for homemakers
It truly has been a blessing to me, and has many practical tips, insights, and biblical wisdom on properly managing the time God’s given us and prioritizing Him, our husbands, and our families. Thanks so much Ngina for this post!
Kyndall, I am so happy this was helpful and that its in line with what God is doing in your life. Thank you for pointing us to conference resource, it looks very helpful!
“organizing my life around the marriage, not the other way round.”
Oh, I need to be careful of this. My husband is a homebody by choice and I am quite a busybody, and I think I take for granted that he will be there, ready to spend quality time together, when I want to be home. I need to make sure I am taking into account that our marriage is put before my activities and to-dos!
Absolutely, I am glad you are seeing that! It’s so neat when we start making those corrections..there’s much more peace in the heart and home. I am just like you, the super busybody with a hubby that likes to kick it back! I have not arrived yet, I am still learning, but I am a little better than I was before 😉
I like the idea of managing priorities. We are talking about marriage today too. I just reviewed an e-course on intimacy in marriage. http://maidservantsofchrist.blogspot.com/2015/11/learning-to-say-yes.html
Melissa, just checked out your link, sounds like a great course! Thank you for reading.
Great post. I’ve had to manage my priorites so my family is one of the tops one’s.
Dan, I am so glad to hear this resonates with you! Thank you for reading and commenting
Ngina, this is so on the mark, spot on. I was just on the phone to one of my Sisters from my church family… we acknowledged that people are too busy trying to control their own lives and it’s not working like they want it too. We need to hand the reigns over to God and let Him be in control of our lives. Thank you for allowing God to use you Ngina. Amen!
Kimberly, I am happy to hear that this is a conversation you are having too! I love what you’ve said about handing over the reigns – when we put God first, our lives are much more peaceful and fulfilled! Thank you for reading and sharing.
Ngina: It’s my pleasure to be God’s servant. I love finding people of like mind and sharing the truth. If we do not do it we’re in direct disobedience to God. He commanded us to fellowship and to share the Good News! His word is alive. Amen.
LOVE what you said about how we’re not supposed to do everything–we chose what we were going to give our everything to when we said “I DO”! This is so incredibly true. Connor and I have made a conscious effort to put our marriage first in everything early on in our marriage so it becomes a routine and habit instead of a scramble to fix things after it’s all a mess!
Love the post!
Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach || http://lifeasadare.com
Rebecca, taking time to lay a proper foundation early in marriage is so key for a thriving happily-ever-after. Sometimes couples “coast” in the early days of marriage, kinda hoping the relationship will grow and find its level on its own. But it does not! And that “scramble” is not fun! Thank you for reading. so happy you and Connor are intentional about this!
AGREED! I sometimes wonder if that’s why young marriages (18-24) are so much more likely to end in divorce than if you get married after that–the people don’t have the maturity or discipline to put in the hard work early on to build a good foundation. Loving your blog, Ngina! 🙂
I am amazed and hats off to everyone that marry young – like you and Connor! – because I was nowhere near marriageable in my late teens or early twenties! I think you have to really grow up, be more intentional than your unmarried friends to have a great start. Definitely you need that discipline and hard work.
I am glad you are enjoying the blog! 🙂