If you are married, is okay to have boundaries with the opposite sex?
Or are boundaries archaic, straight out of the 20s?
Well, there are two ways to look at boundaries in marriage; you can look at them as protective or restrictive.
Marriage is a treasure and no one stores valuable treasures in unsafe places. We tend to store our treasures in secure environments – away from thieves and perilous conditions.
Treasuring our marriage
When we decide to go easy on exclusivity, we leave our highest treasure – our marriage – out in the open. Exposed, vulnerable, unguarded, unsafe.
Exposure happens when we decide we want to have our cake and eat it – have a strong secure marriage but keep our “freedoms” and options when it comes to relating to the opposite sex.
Nonetheless, a border-less marriage is an oxymoron.
When I walked down the aisle and took my vows, Tommy became my #1 man, after God. All my opposite sex relationships would henceforth bow to the relationship I have with Tommy.
It’s true many find the idea of boundaries with the opposite sex backward and constricting.
But consider this: you can have all sorts of security devices installed in your home but unless you lock your front door, these devices are useless.
In other words, all the trust and love in the world won’t help you if you don’t take care of the basics.
Thinking that “love is enough“, that “we trust each other and can never be unfaithful“, that “a little flirting is harmless” is an open door.
Marriage does not have an easy lane
A great marriage has a foundation of great discipline; of doing the uncomfortable, the counter-cultural and counter-flesh.
You’ve probably heard share one of my favorite quotes by Jim Rohn: You can’t drift to the top of a mountain.
If you want marital success, you’ve got to lose easy living and put on some mountain climbing gear. You must protect what matters to you.
Consider this
Here a few things to consider when it comes to keeping boundaries with the opposite sex
- You are not as strong as you think you are.
- Temptation and sin often feel harmless at the beginning.
- All of us have common sense but it can be dulled by lack of use.
- Even the best car will careen off the road if the driver takes his/her hands off the wheel.
Personally, I have found the following helpful when it comes to keeping boundaries with the opposite sex.
7 rules of opposite gender friendships
1. Don’t go out alone with a person of the opposite sex. Just don’t. Don’t make a habit of giving them rides alone in your car. (I know some situations are unavoidable e.g work, but it’s possible to keep our hearts in check even in those situations.)
2. Talk about your spouse often when talking with others. Michael Hyatt calls it the best adultery repellent.
3. Involve your spouse – Keep each other in the loop e.g. cc him/her email messages where you want to remain “above board” with the recipient, talk about your day mentioning who you talked with, share passwords e.t.c (Read this 8 Ways to Nurture Your Marriage When One Spouse Travels For Work)
4. NEVER flirt with anyone other than your spouse.
5. Cultivate same couple friendships.
6. Don’t counsel someone of the opposite sex alone. Bring your spouse along or refer the person to a person of their gender or do couple-to-couple counseling. If you must counsel or hold meetings with them, keep the office door open or talk in large open spaces, within sight of others.
7. If you see/feel temptation, F.L.E.E. Don’t rationalize or play nice. Run.
Always remember that wherever your treasure is, there your heart will be. If you are constantly working on your relationship, you will want to keep it safe. Invest in your relationship. Holly Smith has a great article on that here.
Read the follow-up post: Protect Your Marriage: More Insights on Keeping Boundaries with the Opposite Sex
Related Posts
- Married? Why you should not have a Pinterest board called “eye-candy”
- Drawing Boundaries for your Marriage
- Emotional Affairs: How to Guard Your Heart as a Wife
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I love this article! I have so many people tell me how it’s okay to go to lunch with male co-workers or someone of the sort and act as if my husband and I are almost archaic. The thing I always lead with is asking myself if I’d be okay with him doing this and if I’m not okay with him doing it then I won’t either. I find that in our short 5 year marriage it’s always best to be fair. Put the other person’s feeling into consideration and yours as well, would it hurt you or upset you?
Putting yourself in the shoes of your spouse is great..so glad you put that to work in your marriage. I am glad you enjoyed the article. Thanks for adding your insights!
My boyfriend thinks it’s normal to have meet ups along with with friends, since they hardly have free time. So he meets with girls alone, picks them up at times, and goes shopping with them. I’ve always thought it was weird, and have trouble trusting him.. what should I do?
Allia, I hear what you are saying, especially as a distant relationship. You feel insecure as you don’t live near each other. I also see where your boyfriend is coming from, if his friends are really like family. I am happy that you guys are talking about it. A few things I’d like to point out – it’s important to come to terms with your reactions and emotions, as its not possible to cut out all female acquaintances in his life. So maybe its good to wrestle and understand your emotions. That said, you said “very close female friend” like its one particular lady he associates with in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I agree, you need to agree on boundaries, he needs to understand how that makes you feel and work towards protecting your relationship (as these things are practice for how you will keep boundaries in marriage, it starts now). He does not need to hang out with her alone, he can hang out with her as apart of a group of other friends. Does he have male friends? Ideally those should be his main friends. Close female relationships that are no familial, only create issues and conflicts in a growing relationship.
I don’t think its wrong for him to have female friends but there should be boundaries, ideally you should get to know them (if possible). and if the relationship is heading to marriage there should be more exclusivity, not less.
My quick thoughts on it. You can find more helpful thoughts in this link https://intentionaltoday.com/category/single-life/
Hi there! I love love love this post! I just wanted you to know that I would like to feature this blog post on my weekly series: “Roll Out the Red Carpet for Bloggers Thursday”. I hope that’s okay! 🙂 Have a great day!
Hey Danielle! I am glad you like the post! Absolutely, you can share the post with your readers but only as a small excerpt, not the entire post and then link back here for the entire post. Thanks and have a great day too!
I thin it’s far too easy for people to blame the devil on their straying ways (or anything else for that matter) than take personal responsibility. It’s much easier to say “The devil made me do it” than to try to justify your actions. Satan didn’t end my marriage, my ex’s inability to keep it in his pants did. And no amount of praying, marriage retreats through church, and church counseling helped in the least.
While I agree about keeping certain boundaries in a relationship (I’m not friends with any of my exes), it also isn’t correct to assume that humans can’t control themselves. It’s a cop-out. People make *purposeful* choices to sneak around and have contact that isn’t appropriate. It just doesn’t happen by accident. Even if the person is an ex or a co-worker, it’s easy to keep people at arm’s length if you so choose. A person who cheats *wants* the clandestine relationship rather than the relationship they’re currently in. Plenty of people make choices to walk away from temptation rather than fall victim to it.
Shay, there’s nowhere in this post that I have said we cannot control ourselves. in fact this entire site is dedicated to helping women take responsibility for their thoughts and actions through the help of God.
I agree with the other things you have said. We have a choice, no one can “make” us do things, all though unfortunately, many use that to excuse their behavior and sin. I appreciate your taking time to read and add to the conversation.
Wow, you are unbelievably uptight. I don’t think this behavior is healthy
Tom (or Dick), it’s easy to see this post as uptight if we don’t share values. You don’t have to agree with me 🙂 I request that you don’t leave any more comments as they seem spammy and I block spam 🙂
Wow, you are super uptight
What about having opposite sex phone numbers of people who you didn’t know before the relationship started or people who you didn’t need their phone number for a specific reason I.e. work, school business
Miss, I am guessing you are talking about work relationships and such. To me that’s okay because the numbers are there for specific reason. Bottom line it’s about our hearts and regulating our actions and thoughts to stay in line with our convictions.
I personally dont agree at all! HA!! If I can not be strong enough within my own being to know that cheating does not exist within me… if I have to fear what I “might” do… What the fuck am I doing within a relationship in the first place.. If people are naive enough to believe everything they hear from the horses mouth, than good on them, let that negative bull@%#$@ sit with them! Tis not my problem! Why would I allow the opinions of others shape my reality? Why do you live for others? Sadly I fear you all shall never know true friendship and love. Trust! Freedom! I honestly mean no harm in my words… but I find your words above and below.. to be deeply sad and close minded .. All I can say good luck to you all! May you all truly know love and embrace the light someday soon! For now.. good luck in your box… God Bless! <3
Hi Ngina,
I love this post and have really enjoyed reading through your blog. I come from an Islamic faith tradition and so far everything I have read about creating a strong marriage through God is very similar to our own beliefs and practices. 🙂
One thing I do is extend the limit physically. I personally do not shake hands or hug men if I can avoid it. Its hard to know people’s intentions but I have rarely regretted not having this small bit of physical contact with men other than my husband (or close family members) b/c I do feel that you exchange a little something when you come together physically. This isn’t a judgement on people who DO shake hands, mind you, I just wanted to share something I do that helps me feel like I honor myself and my husband.
I have noticed that when I do shake hands, there will inevitably be a hug or a “friendly pat” that follows, different small gestures of friendship which communicate small amounts of intimacy. I would just rather have none of it to make the boundaries very, very clear. 🙂
Hi Sabijo, thank you so much for reading. I am happy the posts have been helpful and affirm what you believe. I see how shaking hands can progress and how drawing that line helps. Overall, boundaries are to help us and our marriages and everything we do for that sake, is honorable, in my view. Thanks again
Totally disagree and think if you have to ‘protect your marriage’ with these steps then perhaps you already have some issues in your marriage. I have male friends. My husband has female friends. We had them before and after we were married. I trust my husband implicitly. My husband trusts me implicitly. More importantly I TRUST MYSELF. I have never nor feel I will ever, be tempted to stray from my husband and our marriage for my male friends.
Basically this piece is telling those who read it, that they can’t trust their own instincts and need to just stay away from the opposite sex. Too bad. Well rounded relationships from both sexes not only add so much to your personal life, but they add to personal growth – including what you bring to a marriage.
Your advice is juvenile and ridiculous. People can control their urges better than you think they can. And for those who stray, obviously there is a heck of a lot more going on in their marriage otherwise a random conversation or counseling session with another of the opposite sex will not cause them to commit adultery.
Nicole, having boundaries does not mean there’s a lack of trust or self-control in marriage. It just means there’s wisdom, awareness and insight into the workings of a human being and a committed relationship.
Totally disagree again. But then again I don’t rely on God to save my marriage. I can still have wisdom, awareness and insight still speaking to the opposite sex. You don’t need boundaries if the trust is there.
I am a faith person, I rely on God and the good sense (that I’ve shared in the post) He’s given me. You don’t rely on God as you’ve stated nor do you desire to exercise restraint on certain areas because you feel you don’t need to or it doesn’t matter. So we cannot agree 🙂 And that’s okay!
Ahh you just want a buffer zone or your spouse does & you go along with it to look like the cool girl. Well…take the advice your given on this site bc human beings male mistakes. No one is perfect, no love is perfect. If you don’t want to get hurt or hurt your spouse, you will set proper boundaries and not live with an arrogance that you don’t need any. There are realities to being human and if you keep testing and testing and testing your strength, eventually you find you are limited as is your spouse and marriage. Be humble be wise
Remember, as Paul urged, if you think you’re standing strong, you may be the next to fall. Stay alert and humble, knowing that moral failure can happen to any believer. The problem is pride, and each and every one of us battles it.
The truth is, you can say you TRUST YOURSELF… but the enemy is cunning and is looking at every opportunity to tear you and your loved ones apart. Satan hates marriage because it’s a covenant that closest mirages the love of Christ for the church. I don’t think anybody can claim to be perfect, which also means your trust isn’t perfect. God’s thoughts are higher and bigger than our thoughts, His ways are better than our ways…so if you can’t rely on God to save your marriage, you can’t rely on yourself either. Marriage has its ups and downs, and when things are great, then your friendships are harmless…but when things get rough, you naturally turn to the ones closest to you, and they become a shoulder to cry on. So when you connect emotionally, it’s even a bigger slippery slope. I understand how you feel about opposite sex friendships, I’ve said the same thing myself and still struggle to let go of that. I love my guy friends to death, and that’s why I’m on this blog because I’m going through a very painful transition right now where one of my friendship has become potentially dangerous, and we had to cut off the emotional tie before it evolves into a physical one.
Some really great tips here! 🙂 As a newlywed, I can certainly put some of these into practice!
Glad you’ve found the tips helpful Dolly..thanks so much for weighing in.
and just out of curiosity (and if you don’t mind), what other topics would interest you as a newlywed wife?
I recently shifted the blog focus to focus on the early years of marriage (newlyweds up) and since I am not so newlywed anymore (5 years) haha I’d love to hear all the input from newlyweds, to keep me on point 🙂 🙂
I know everyone has differing opinions on this but I absolutely agree. Before I met my husband, I’d remained friends will all my exes. However, I told each one of them. the day I met my husband, our friendship would effectively be over. They would become a part of my past and my husband was the only man I’d bring into my future. I have never regretted that decision. And when a few have sent me messages on my FB page, it’s been to tell me how much they respect that not only did I make that commitment but 10 years later I’ve kept it. I don’t respond to their FB messages but they know I received them and I’m grateful they see the benefit in it. And hopefully, for their own marriages -whenever they marry or if they have married- they will do the same. My husband has done the same and doesn’t regret it for even a moment. Almost all of our friends are married so we hang out as couples.
Fawn, thank you for sharing your journey. It’s hard to argue with personal experience and that’s why I love personal stories like yours. Not everyone agrees for sure but reading story like yours confirms that these things matter and are working in many marriages. Thank you so much for reading and adding to the conversation. I appreciate you.
I’d like to add another boundary on this, Ngina, from personal experience: Take exceptional care and monitoring of online/texting/technology tangents in your life.
Technology, in my opinion, is the most obvious prowling lion we have today — and true to the verse, people don’t realize the danger until it has already attacked.
My husband entered into an emotional affair with an overseas coworker a few years ago via technological advances (he ended the relationship, we are in the last stages of healing and have better marriage than ever — praise God!). Innocent beginnings, then counseling her in marriage troubles, then misplaced secretiveness and loss of rational thought. Another victim down for the lion. Technology allowed them to “visit” both in print and on video monitors any time and anywhere. We view social media as another wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The lion enters majestically, but its slow, graceful movements hold the victim’s attention, making him curious. When the lion purrs, it lulls and soothes the victim. A person doesn’t feel the difference between comfort and wearing down … giving in and losing control.
Technology allows for hiding. Private conversations to take place that would never occur in real life. Text come through cell phones that would never happen on voice call. These are tools of Satan, not only in marriage, but for children and family relationships, as well.
Thanks, Ngina, for a well-thought list. You never fail to inspire me.
Amy, I am so blessed and humbled by your openness and willingness to be vulnerable. Thank you for building and encouraging us in this way.
This sentence strikes me “A person doesn’t feel the difference between comfort and wearing down … giving in and losing control.”
So much truth and wisdom and deep lessons. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that somebody see’s and learns!
I love that God has restored your relationship! He is a powerful loving God. Thanks and God bless
I can vouch this is true. Technology is a new secret weapon. VERY powerful. Slippery sloop etc. I almost ruined my marriage and 7 months later our marriage is much strong then in decades but the past still pulls me in too often. I fear i’m not strong enough or worry that I’m not worthy. And I hurt so many…. I understand the Lord forgives, but some sins are so bad…
“Border-less marriage is an oxymoron” What a great statement. I love how definitive you are in your suggestions for spouses. It comes back to focus – where is your focus? God first – then our spouse.
Thanks Lori. So true, focus is key.
Ngina this is true
Amen Millicent
These seem so simple yet I can vouch that they will keep you out of trouble. We just can’t trust ourselves/flesh, sometimes it’s better to run!
Kimanzi, I agree they seem simple! I think that’s why many folks miss them! Glad you’ve found them true in your own marriage. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.
I think keeping boundaries with the opposite sex is HUGELY important. It seems common these days for people to shrug it off as old-fashioned, though. But it’s not about what we think is right, it’s about what is wise. And it’s just not wise to put yourself in positions where you’re tempted. To think it couldn’t happen to you is an invitation for adultery. Great thoughts!
Grayson, I like what you say about wisdom. Our world has “modernized” to the point of shrugging off common sense and plain wisdom :). As Christians, we need to live above reproach too and set good examples to others.
I absolutely think boundaries in marriage with the opposite sex are important. In fact, i think we need to also have internal boundaries about how much we allow ourselves to “think” of some opposite sex person in our lives. That “space” is reserved for and committed to my husband. I love your truth here, Ngina. Always right on target and definitely meeting a need!
“Internal boundaries” – I love that. Reminds me of the verse that talks about issues of life proceeding from what’s in our hearts. it’s so important to keep inner boundaries! @BarbRav:disqus has mentioned accountability and I think it goes well with your point. Thanks so much Beth.
I think all of your tips are necessary and good, Ngina. Here’s my tip if you do ever get attracted to someone of the opposite sex: instead of imagining the first step (how fun it would be to go someplace and visit with them), imagine the last step – what would happen if you got involved with this person?
How would it affect your kids (if you have them), your spouse, your church, the community you live in, your ministry, and the people you’ve discipled? After about one minute of fully imagining that last step, I lose every ounce of attraction for a person!
I would also say, if you’re attracted to someone, let a friend know and have that friend hold you accountable to not even THINKING about that person.
In my opinion, boundaries are essential for a long-lasting marriage.
Barb, I love your insights – “Imagine the end from the beginning”. In one of his marriage posts, Michael Hyatt says He remembers what’s at stake – his family, legacy e.t.c. The big picture puts it all in perspective for him.
I love your word on Thoughts. That’s where we win the battle. Accountability is key.
I think it’s not just about protecting your marriage from infidelity – it’s also about protecting your reputation from the possibility of infidelity. I have friends of mine who won’t drive in a car alone with a member of the opposite sex – just because they don’t even want other people to see them and make the accusation. Sometimes the rumors are just as destructive.
Absolutely Loren, I agree with you. On matters of reputation it’s not about what you know to be true sometimes, it’s about what others perceive. I think Paul talks about living above reproach in 1 Tim:3:2. I believe it applies to all Christians, not just leaders.
That’s a great standard your friends keep. Thanks so much for adding that perspective.
These are fantastic tips and should be on the minds of husbands and wives every where. We definitely need boundaries – and if you don’t think so – you’re fooling yourself. Thanks for making this a point of discussion.
Amen DS. Your thoughts remind me of Psm 119:130 “the entrance of your word gives light, it gives understanding to the simple” We are safe when we listen to His words.
Keeping boundaries is so important. Even if things are innocent, satan can distort anything!
When I worked in the ER, it was hard on my spouse. some of my friends had already had affairs or were divorced. If he only knew how much I talked about him all the time, but he didn’t. At that time we set up boundaries and it helped us both to have peace of mind. We also began praying each night together and praying specifically for each other. not just “God bless my spouse” but “God please help them with this, this and this….thank you for this, this and this.”
God is what keeps our marriage together, the world wants to tear it apart.
Boundaries are good, not old fashioned.
TC that’s a strong testimony! So often we under estimate the schemes and tricks of the enemy. Your comment reminds me of something my pastor’s wife shared once. When her daughters were in their teen years, she never allowed boys to go into their room. Some people found that odd and sometimes asked her why she didn’t trust her daughters. she told them “i trust my daughters. But i don’t trust the devil”.
I love the stance that you and your hubby took. I believe that being radical in our approach makes all the difference. It’s God’s battle but He will not win it without us. Thanks so much for sharing
Yep, God’s a gentleman. He won’t force us to be on His team.
I’d never really thought of that as a testimony, just something we went through that brought us closer together.
I see it as a testimony cos I think your intentional acts/decisions in that season are super inspiring 🙂 We so need to be intentional in our marriages!
Thank you and I agree, we need to be intentional…won’t make it to the top of the mountain any other way.
Fuck god. He has “blessed” me with many “gifts”, but has ripped all my opportunities to use them from under me. He is a spiteful asshole. Despite my attempts to follow the “good Christian way”, my marriage is also a failure. He has kept me on this earth, when I should have died many times over, yet I have no purpose ore reason to even exist. I hate life and I hate God. This site makes everything’s seem so conveniently black any white, but there is no black an white … Only different shades of gray. There are no absolutes. Fuck you all.
Derek, it seems like you have gone through so much, I am so sorry. There are no simple answers for the pains and hurts we go through. If you read the rest of my blog, i am not attempting to make life simple or black and white. I try to offer true hope and encouragement which can only be found in God and practical life tips. You’ve said “He (God) has kept me on this earth…”. Indeed He has. I pray He reveals His plan and purposes to you and that you will find hope, peace and purpose in Him. Psalms 22:24 says “For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him.” God has not forgotten you. Ps. I have edited your comment for language, as I don’t allow it here.
Thank you for you’re calm collected, and seemingly caring response. I appreciate the fact that your are trying to comfort, but there is little chance of success is that.
God has done nothing but play a series of cruel jokes on me. I’ve been meandering through life with absolutely no purpose to exist for 3 years now. I am done with him and his way.
Through my own experiences and observations of others, gods way ultimately is more destructive than helpful. This is partially due to the long term effects of suppression and guilt over natural feelings that you actually have no control over. Constantly having to behave in a totally awkward manner around members of the opposite sex (if you don’t have some one to “chaperone”) isn’t healthy either. I don’t want to even begin to address the unfathomable pain and suffering his way has brought so many innocent people. If you have doubts or questions about this, pick up a history book.
When you are dedicated to spending your whole life trying to force yourself into an awkward little bubble, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Sooner or later that bubble *will* pop. What comes next can be, and often is catastrophic.
.
FYI, the response below is from me. I attempted to delete it because after posting, I felt my wording was too combative for productive conversation. Take it as you will. If you have a response, please share. I would actually love to be proven wrong – but be warned – this won’t be easy.
Derek, I actually feel your second comment was less combative, compared to the first one, the one I edited 🙂 As I said, on this blog I offer hope and encouragement and practical tips. I am not trying to “win an argument” or prove anything to you (like you are wrong and I am right). I believe that truth stands by itself, it’s really a matter of choice to accept it or not. God will use different ways to lead us to truth and maybe this place is not the space to engage and go in depth because I don’t feel entirely qualified to engage in the direction you have taken and I don’t have all the facts regarding your situation. If you wish, I can invite someone else to respond to you, if they can. Otherwise, thanks for sharing commenting and sharing your journey. I pray that God will heal and lead you to all truth.
Excellent post. I use a lot of the tips from your list. We have to constantly be on alert because the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. None of us walks around with an ‘S’ on our chest. We can easily fall victims to the enemy’s schemes. That is the reason we need to have the safeguards you listed in place in our marriages.
“None of us walks around with with “S” on our chests” – I like that Bernard! We must be careful and alert. We are instructed to live above reproach in 1Tim 3:2 ( we are all leaders ). So many are watching to see how we conduct our lives, we need to be testimonies. thanks so much for reading.
I really liked this post. I am putting a link on my fb page. I also would like to feature it in my next ezine issue in a couple of weeks.
Thanks for sharing the link, Bernard. Absolutely, go ahead and feature in the e-zine. Thanks so much.
Great advice. The lost world is weak and looking for strength. What they see in Christians they mistake for our strength; it is not us – it is God in us that they are attracted to. With that thought in mind is how must navigate through our days and use the common sense ideas you’ve used here to be on guard. The lion prowling around looking to devour us comes in many shapes and sizes and it’s easiest prey is pride and insecurity.
Well done. A subject most Christians avoid. Nicely done, Ngina.
I love these insights Floyd.Surely it’s God in us, not our own strength. Nonetheless God does require we work with Him, that we don’t give the enemy foothold and ammunition.
Some great advice here. I think the idea of talking about your spouse is very helpful, as long as you are talking about your spouse in a very positive way. I’d also like to add that if you have to travel without your spouse that you should do everything possible to communicate on a daily basis by phone or skype. This keeps you connected and is better than an email or text.
Ah yes Caleb, it has to be in a positive way! (otherwise it opens the door for the wrong things!) Thanks so much for that observation.
I love your addition – I agree that skype or phone offers a deeper/more intimate connection. Thanks so much for reading and sharing
I agree with you 100 percent. If someone is married they should not spend a lot of time alone with a person of the opposite sex. It’s dangers ground. I really like your tips.
When talking with a person of the opposite sex (In public, at church, or work) I have to remind myself that my kindness/friendliness might be preserved differently so I make sure to make thing clear by mentioning my wife or son. This clears the water and allows the person know I’m already taken.
Dan I like what you say about kindness/friendliness being misconstrued. It’s something I’ve found to be true as well. Mentioning my husband has a way of straightening matters out and removing any grounds for misunderstanding. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.
It’s nice to read that other men have the same values that I find so important…it gives me hope 🙂