Last week we talked about how we can protect our marriages through keeping boundaries with opposite sex. (Read the post here)
So many of you shared additional insights in Comments section. You raised a good number of points I hadn’t covered and I thought I’d do a follow-up post and share these additional insights.
(Please note – Since the comments were shared in public, I have assumed that the Authors don’t mind me repeating them in a blog post)
More insights on keeping boundaries with the opposite sex
1. It’s about living above reproach.
As a person, you want to live above reproach (1 Tim:3:2).
When it comes to maintaining a good name and reputation, it’s not about what you know as truth (e.g. “this is my colleague” “she is just a friend”). It’s about what others perceive as truth, what they read in your actions.
Loren Pinilis said “I think it’s not just about protecting your marriage from infidelity – it’s also about protecting your reputation from the possibility of infidelity”
2. Internal boundaries are crucial.
Beth Steffaniak said “I think we need to also have internal boundaries about how much we allow ourselves to “think” of some opposite sex person in our lives. That “space” is reserved for and committed to my husband. ”
I believe that external boundaries are an extension of internal boundaries. When we breach internal boundaries, it’s only a matter of time before it shows in our actions and behavior.
3. Accountability is key
Barb Raveling said “If you’re attracted to someone, let a friend know and have that friend hold you accountable to not even THINKING about that person.”
Secret sin will fester. Nonetheless “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
4. Social Media boundaries
Amy said “…take exceptional care and monitoring of online/texting/technology tangents in your life. Technology allows for hiding, (for) private conversations to take place that would never occur in real life.”
In an article, Focus on the Family say that social media allows for suspension of normal inhibitions, temptation to live in a fantasy world, altered standards of privacy, disregard for manners and appropriate boundaries. To protect your marriage, you got to keep boundaries in social media.
5. Be intentional about exes
On dealing with exes, Fawn Weaver said “I told each one of them; the day I met my husband, our friendship would effectively be over. They would become a part of my past and my husband was the only man I’d bring into my future. I have never regretted that decision…My husband has done the same and doesn’t regret it for even a moment.”
I believe it comes down to cleaving: to letting go and dying to the past and becoming one with the one God gave you.
6. Talk about your spouse – in a positive loving manner.
Caleb said “I think the idea of talking about your spouse is very helpful, as long as you are talking about your spouse in a very positive way.”
Complaining, negative talk, even testy ‘jokes’ directed at your absent spouse might open the very door you are hoping to close.
7. If you travel, talk with your spouse, preferably via phone/Skype
Caleb added “I’d also like to add that if you have to travel without your spouse that you should do everything possible to communicate on a daily basis by phone or skype. This keeps you connected and is better than an email or text.”
8. Pray for your spouse, specifically
TC Avey shared of a season in her life as busy ER nurse “…we set up boundaries and it helped us both to have peace of mind. We began praying each night together and praying specifically for each other. not just “God bless my spouse” but “God please help them with this, this and this….thank you for this, this and this.”
I believe specific prayers yield specific results. The prayers also foster closeness, openness and cover.
9. Think about the consequence of infidelity
Barb Raveling said “if you do ever get attracted to someone of the opposite sex: instead of imagining the first step (how fun it would be to go someplace and visit with them), imagine the last step – ..How would it affect your kids your spouse, your church, the community you live in, your ministry, and the people you’ve discipled?
I believe “big picture thinking” can spur and motivate us to keep proper boundaries. When you understand that life is not all about you, that your actions/inactions have a tremendous effect on others, you are more careful, more determined to live above reproach.
10. It’s about your focus, your heart.
Lori Ferguson said “It comes back to focus – where is your focus? God first – then our spouse.”
It comes back to what you treasure the most. Remember whatever you give your attention to will multiply.
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Is boundaries an area of struggle in your marriage? I wrote Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early of Marriage Years for the newlywed and early-wed wife who longs for a great marriage but struggles to cultivate the necessary mindset and habits. If you are an imperfect girl married to an imperfect guy, this book is for you! Click here to find more information, including the purchase links.
My husband is a porn addict and also I found out he does what’s app his ex , other women . It hurts me and I’m sick to my stomach . He had asked an aquaintance for nude pix…. What am I supposed to do? Am praying but at the same time I’m getting weary
Hi Ruki, the situation with your husband is so sad.
I hope you have taken further steps? Here are a few resources that can help
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/12/dealing-with-your-husbands-porn-addiction/
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/08/reader-question-husband-deal-porn-addiction/
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/02/when-your-husband-says-my-porn-addiction-isnt-about-you/
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/12/wifey-wednesday-4-things-you-must-do-if-your-husband-uses-porn/
Praying for you
I love this article! Great tips to show us how to protect our marriage and make it top priority! Blessings!
Thanks Chari! Am glad the post has blessed you!
These are great points and 10 easy ways people can create the necessary boundaries in marriage.
Thank you Fawn, am blessed by the wisdom in the community here. “10 easy ways to create the necessary boundaries in marriage” is a beautiful blog post title!
I used to think keeping in contact with exs should be no big deal until I realized they are exs for a reason.
“they are exs for a reason” a great way to put it Darcy 🙂
What are your thoughts about teaching a class together? My husband attends a grief counseling class at church (following the loss of his brother due to suicide)…the leader (a young, widowed mom) asked my husband to co-teach. (I do not attend the class.) I about flipped…this, to me, was an emotional disaster waiting to happen. Now, I feel like the bad guy-not trusting my husband. He has NEVER done anything (33 yrs) to dis-trust…but this is just too emotional.
Thanks for your article.
Rene
Rene, I think that one spouse’s discomfort about a relationship is grounds enough to start a discussion about it and to press in for health and safety. I pray that you and your husband are able to talk and hear each others hearts. Praying for you Rene.
Wow, Ngina, you had some great comments last week (and no, I’m not trying to “toot” my own horn, although I thank you for highlighting mine)! I especially like Barb Raveling’s comment and she said it with such great eloquence too. Thanks so much for always bringing a smile to my face. You have a great heart and beautiful space here, my friend!
Beth, I am amazed and blessed by the wisdom and insights of this community. You shared great thoughts! I thought you and Barb had the same line of thought (internal boundaries), though approached from different angles. Thank you so much for adding so much value here!
Thanks, Ngina – That was really fun reading all the comments. Makes me want to scroll through them each time you post to hear everyone’s collective wisdom!
There’s really lots of wisdom in this community! I really grow and enjoy reading everyone’s thoughts and wisdom.
Great collection of wisdom 🙂
I especially like the idea of internal boundaries. So often we tend to think of our thought lives as separate animals, but that’s where everything else starts.
I agree with you Loren, it starts from the inside. if we are out of order internally, it’s only a matter of time before it shows externally.
What a great post full of insights. I especially liked TC AVey’s comment. Great follow up post.
I liked TC’s comment too. She packs lots of wisdom 🙂
Wow! Absolutely awesome. I think if more people getting married would take this advice, especially leaving your ex’s in the past it would make for such a better marriage for all. You laid out some great content here TC and I really enjoyed reading it. Our Church started a new series on Sex, Dating and Marriage. What a great tie in.
That’s a great series Lincoln! The more challenging part is carrying out what we’ve been taught 🙂 But receiving the knowledge is crucial. Thanks so much for reading and sharing
Wow, there’s some really good info here. So much wisdom. So glad you followed up on your post.
This past year a few dear friends of mine have had challenges in their marriages because of attraction to the opposite sex. It seems satan isn’t holding anything back on hurting Christian families and witnesses. As Jesus says, “Watch and pray the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”.
I really like your wisdom in your comment.
Thanks, Dan. I had to come back and re-read to see what I said 🙂
Wisdom just oozes out of me- ha ha!
I agree with you Dan, lots of wisdom in her comment.
There was so much wisdom in the comments TC. We have an awesome community here. I bless God.
Your last sentence “watch and pray” reminds me of something another commenter has said “marriage protection is not on autopilot”. We can’t be on autopilot! Thanks for reading and sharing
Autopilot, that’s a good way of putting it.
The amount and depth of the wisdom here is truly amazing. Thanks for sharing it, Ngina. Good call on your part!
Thank you Floyd. I too am blessed by the depth and wisdom of this community. God is amazing. Thank you much for being part of it and always adding value. God bless you
Powerful insights. In our working with premarital and married couples these are some valuable insights that we can use to help fortify couples against the attacks of enemy. These valuable insights have helped me write a post on building a game plan for marriage. Thanks for your heart for marriage.
I am glad these thoughts resonate Bernard. Do you mind sharing the link to the post (game plan for marriage) here? I would love to check it out ( and I know others will benefit too). Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate the value you add here.
This is loaded…thanks for sharing this message with the world. Marriage protection is not on autopilot…it is intentional living every single day.
I love this Lawrence “Marriage protection is not on autopilot!” wow. Thanks so much for that. It’s truly a message the world needs to hear. Thanks so much for reading