Today we continue with a topic we began last week, how to simplify relationships and demystify the road to marriage.
For my newer readers; besides helping you build a strong foundation for your marriage in these early years, I am also passionate about saving marriages before they start; once in a while I’ll address some of the challenges single readers face.
Today’s post is one such.
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We hear it all the time; the world has changed, morals and societal standards are not what they used to be.
Here’s how I see it though; while the world may change, you still get to choose how you live your life.
So inspite of all the hullabaloo, you are responsible for how you live your life.
You can choose to live a values-based lifestyle. Now unlike what some people think, a values-based lifestyle is not the easier road.
Actually being counter-cultural and counter-flesh guarantees a big bulls-eye on your back!
Yet that’s the way to a rich, God-filled (and much simpler) life.
Here’s one more thought on how you, as a single lady, can un-complicate and simplify this journey towards marriage. (Read last week’s post for # 1 & #2)
3. You need to understand that purity begins in the heart… but does not end there
I’ll probably ruffle a few cultural feathers here, please bear with me if I do. I have a point or two if you’ll read all the way through!
Here’s what I think – America is one of the the most liberal and permissive societies on God’s good earth : )
Seriously, I am yet to find a place where something as simple as purity, boundaries, morality – and other godly values that clip “freedom” feathers – can rile so many people!
Not that I come from a saintly society myself – we have issues and quirks like everybody else.
And I am not American (been here two years) – so I don’t know the background and story behind the “purity movement” and why people think being conservative is an awful idea.
But here’s what I have observed – courting couples holding hands, hugging closely, snuggling and kissing in church.
I am not talking buildings only but the general born-again Christendom.
Here’s the problem
I have a big big problem with getting getting physical in courtship or any other place besides marriage.
Reason?
The physical road is a very very very very slippery road.
Let me give you an example
Think about the first time you tasted a new brand of ice cream or a food or snack that you liked. Wasn’t that initial experience exciting?
I remember the first time I tasted Klondike Original Ice cream. Half a bar was enough at first.
But within a few weeks I graduated to a full bar. A few weeks later, I was downing two bars in one sitting!
What happened?
The more I ate Klondike ice cream the more my taste-buds build a tolerance towards it and the harder it was to get the same “high” I had at the beginning.
So you start out by holding hands.
No ulterior motive, no other plan but to “bond”.
But soon hand-holding becomes normal. The high, that connection and bonding you first felt when you first held hands slowly wanes.
And since you want to keep that connection going, you seek new ways to satisfy the “taste buds”.
And more often than not it’s not a conscious decision, more like a drift to a new normal
See the progression?
It’s not impossible standards!
Lest you think I am “one of those” married women who likes preaching “impossible standards and boundaries at singles”, let me add that I have walked the road.
I’ve had my own failures and successes.
My boyfriend-now-sweet-husband and I held hands.
He’d help me across the road. We’d wander in the park with fingers intertwined, sometimes we held hands on the bus.
Other times he’d sling a hand across my shoulder
And we hugged too. A quick side hug to say hi and another quick-one to say bye.
No ulterior motives, no agenda. Just friendship and fun.
But a few months into it and some months before the wedding, we noticed strange fires and incredible longings. (Actually to be very honest my mentor “noticed” it for us)
The side hugs had become longer-than-normal front hugs, the hand holding was not so innocent any more.
We were on crave-mode!
So we quit the hugging and the hand-holding and the hand-slings
Now you might say “but we are strong, we are not you!’.
And that’s true, we are not the same.
But you and me sister we have the same body, the same natural inclinations, the same fallen self, the same enemy.
So here’s some quick thoughts on purity
1. You draw the line.
You have the power as a woman to draw the line. Infact as a woman I’d say you have even more power because you are not as visually stimulated as men are.
I did not say that men are not responsible for their feelings and actions. But you are wired differently and ought to take advantage of that.
2 Forgiveness doesn’t always equal forgetting (on your part)
The bible says “he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body” (1 Cor 6:18) – that verse is not just for anyone who went “all the way”.
But for everyone that plays around and engages in foreplay. Yes that’s what it is – petting, stroking, kissing stirs up your sexual feelings and emotions..and the goal of that stirring is sexual union, which happens in marriage.
All these memories don’t evaporate when you say “I do” (also see # 5 & 6).
You carry them right into marriage. The weight of the “what if”s and regrets and guilt can wreck unnecessary havoc in your union.
3. He’ll struggle to buy if he can get it for free
You’ve probably heard this – keep giving a man something for free and he will struggle to pay money to keep it. (Click to Tweet)
It might not make sense to you because you think giving him a part of yourself will make him stay or commit.
Here’s the thing and like we said last week, if he can’t make a good boyfriend now, he will probably not make a good husband.
Giving yourself away won’t make him stay. Oh he might stay, as long as you keep giving.
But the day you stop giving or the day he’s had his fill, he will move on.
4. It begins in the heart but manifests in your life
You can abstain and restrain your physical urges and desires on the outside but let your thoughts, heart and emotions run wild on the inside
Purity starts on the inside, it’s a heart thing (Click to Tweet) The things you think about, the emotions you feed, the mediations you let loose in your heart.
If you want an uncomplicated road to marriage, keep with the real program; it’s not about appearances, but about your heart.
5 There’s always a second chance (and 3rd and 4th…)
To God there’s nothing like “damaged goods”.
The devil would have you believe that you’ve been at it for so long, that there’s no hope for you, that you might as well continue down that complicated road.
But that’s a lie.
You can stop.
But my guess is that if you could have stopped all by yourself, you would done it by now.
It’s just not that simple.
You must get back with God.
A blog post can’t change you. Your pastor or mentor can’t either.
But God can and will. He can build you up from the inside, fix that which is broken and set you on strong grounds.
6. You are not crazy for having those feelings and emotions
As a single girl, I didn’t always understand that my emotions are from God.
For a long time I believed that my less-than-saintly-emotions meant I was a doomed sinner. Well, that’s a bit dramatic..thing is I struggled!
You are not abnormal for having feelings and wanting intimacy. (Click to Tweet)
The feelings are from God. But they have a time and a place (marriage).
Before this time and place, He gives you the ability to control them – through the Holy Spirit. And common sense.
7. Take it as practice
Many single women long to get married because they believe it’ll cure pesky hormones and satiate the urge-to-merge.
Sorry to burst the bubble but marriage is not a cure for lust, a wandering eye or an unfettered mind.(Click to Tweet)
After marriage, you still have to choose to love the one you have because there are others who will seem nicer, sweeter, taller, more understanding….
If you can’t get yourself together now, you’ll struggle in marriage.
Read more on that here, here and here
Now it’s your turn – what do you think about purity, how important is it, how can we guard it, how is your purity walk as a single woman.
Also check out these posts in the series What Singles need to know and The anatomy of sexual impurity and Is there hope after sexual sin? (Ps – The “purity” I am talking about here is the kind that involves exercise of free will. If you have been abused or have been forced to do things against your will, that was not your choice and I pray you don’t feel judged or condemned. Purity is something you give away, it cannot be taken from you. So you are not impure because someone abused you or made you do things you did not want to. I don’t feel entirely qualified to speak on that whole area : ) but I needed to clarify that )
Wow, this is powerful and very practical pointers. Thanks for sharing!
Glad it’s helpful Paul!
Many people think of it in terms of “how far can I go?” But what if we thought instead in terms of “How pure can I be?” I’m so thankful that both my wife and I waited until marriage.
That’s THE way to think about purity Loren, thanks for adding that
I think it’s also important to remember that purity is valuable in and of itself – not only because you MIGHT get married one day or because one day you WILL be rewarded with mind blowing, God-honoring sex. I fell for that lie as a teen. I chose to pledge my virginity because, in my legalism, I wanted the reward of having waited – to get married and have great sex. But when I got to 24 and had never been kissed, never been on a date and had never had ANY prospects within the church – I fell for the first guy who really pursued me. He was a non-Christian and we went entirely too far in our physical relationship – why? Because I felt that God had broken His promise to me and was holding out on the reward for having maintained chastity for 24 years! But that’s a lie – and it’s important that teens now know this – God doesn’t promise you marriage, or great sex – and even without that – it is STILL worth purity. Even if you’re single you’re entire life – it’s worth it. True Love Waits, yes, but only if you include that the True Love is for Jesus (not a “soul mate”) and it waits – even if that means waiting until death or Christ’s return and never knowing earthly marriage and sexual intimacy with another human being.
Love love love this Amy! Totally agree with you! Can share your thoughts (quote you) in a follow-up post? This is so important perspective! I love what you’ve said about True love waits for Jesus..not a soulmate. I had the same revelation in my single days (which i share with single ladies) when people would tell me that God is preparing me for marriage..apparently i wasn’t ready enough, hence the waiting. And God showed me that he was infact preparing me for a Groom..the Heavenly Groom..my earthly groom was just a happy beneficiary of the heavenly preparation! thanks for adding your wisdom!
Sure! 🙂 . . . . Setting up marriage as a reward instead of just a different life stage is so dangerous. You can live an amazing life for Christ and never be called to marriage – and it isn’t because you aren’t living rightly or because God hates you. (I actually blogged about it myself – feel free to quote and link back! http://www.modernishhomemaker.com/2013/09/please-stop-treating-singleness-as-curse.html)
Will do Amy! I googled your blog and been peeking around, great blog and thoughts. (by the way you could add your url to your Disqus profile to make your blog more easily accessible 🙂 )
I have a question, what if you dated someone, and you crossed into cuddling, kissing?
How in the world do you break that?
To say that you establish boundaries is next to impossible after you have started kissing.
I guess my question is more a frustration, because my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 yrs, and it’s been a long road of waiting, but now that I’m ready to be married he wants to wait tell the summer ( he’s in the military and will be deployed for 7 months, and dosnt want to get married before he has to leave) my issue is this: The waiting has got to the point of so much frustration for me, because we have waited so long and I want to be married to him … but what are you to do as a woman?
1 Corinthians 7:9
But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
How does this apply to a girl?
I know I only have 3 months left before he leaves, but this verse really applies to me. What does a woman do, since your not the one who can ask to get married?
AC, i agree that’s it’s not easy to create and keep the boundaries after the line has been crossed…but it’s possible and important that you do.
In this case both people have to speak about it and come to an agreement. And not just talk about and hope they will not cross the lines again, but also back it up with actions. Watch their environment, get accountability, get into the Word e.t.c.
It’s not easy but when your goal is to please God and stay pure, then you will do all that you need to do to have that.
Again just because you crossed the line does not mean that all is lost, that you are “unclean”. God forgives and restores.
the wedding- I added an addition point #7 – it did not go out with the email so you might want to read that too.
I believe you need to continue talking about it with your fiance. it seems both of you already know each others heart. I’d say involve trusted counsel. Thrash it out, look for good common ground, listen to each others hearts, try to know and understand the whys’ behind the reasons.
I don’t know your exact details but what i do know is that i don’t always get what i want : ) (And neither does my husband) But when we get together with God and seek His plan, it works out. Not the easier road but definitely the best road.
Hi AC,
Allow me to chip in a little. As of now, you and your boyfriend are not [yet] one…you are not yet married. Hopefully that will happen soon enough. However, I read a sense of desperation on your end to the point that I feel you want to ‘cross over’ before he leaves.
‘Crossing over’ could very well mean that you would desire to have your man sexually before he is deployed. I am not sure that is how you are feeling, but I tend to read it that way from your post.
I would advice this: Given that you are not [yet] one, you as an individual, especially having read this excellent post by Ngina, you need to make a conscious decision with the help of your God about ‘not crossing over’ until it is official.
One of the riskiest and potentially dangerous things you can do at the moment is take that frustration and desperation and serve it a full course meal of your passion. What happens is that after that desperation and pent up passion is served, you will come to your senses…and things are bound to look so extremely different…even affecting your relationship itself.
Decisions are very critical arsenals against the situation you are in. Once you make a decision, it becomes easy (not simple) to know what path you are taking and what help you need on that path. At the moment, it seems like you have not made a clear decision about your purity.
One more thing: It will pay to wait those 7 months…I have been there. it is not fun, but in the end it is worth it!
Thank you for your response, my boyfriend and I have been very purposeful about our purity, we have waited a very long time. We dated 7 months before we kissed.
We’ve had council throughout our relationship, we have worked hard to honor God in our relationship, this piece of scripture that I shared has always held a bit of confusion for me, just because it seems that as the woman you have no say in the matter of desire. If you’ve gotten to the point of this verse reigning true in your life, as the woman this verse can’t really apply to you, because you can’t ask the guy to marry you … it just is a little frustrating as a woman – I’m trying to see how this verse applies to me or if I can even apply it to me ?
“1Co 7:9 But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.” That is what the scripture reads from the Message Bible.
AC, I think the two of you are already heeding the call to that scripture. If you look at the CONTEXT in which Paul is explaining the scripture, the main topic he was handling was sex. The immediate topic Paul was handling just before your quoted verse is CELIBACY. He was wishing that people would be celibate like him…but then said if we cannot (which you already have said you cannot), then by all means be married.
So you are really doing what this scripture is directing you to do: First, you have Identified that you cannot be celibate (just like me). Second, you have therefore decided that you are a candidate for marriage.
I guess the only issue here for you is the issue of time. First, it looks like your boyfriend has committed to marry you when he comes back (Please clarify this). At this juncture in your relationship, I guess you guys must have talked about a particular month…or a date? I guess you might have made some initial plans. This can really go a long way to help you in the waiting period, since you might have an indication how long it will be.
One thing that really comes out beautifully out of your conversation is the fact that you have had constant counsel and you have honored God.
My advice is that you take this frustration before God…and immediately after you need to talk to whoever counsels the both of you. It is good to have raised the issue with Ngina. I would even advice that the two of you talk further on mail or skype or whatever…I am very sure it will go a long way to help.
Finally, congratulations for speaking up. I think that is a very wise thing to do.
God bless you AC.
Lawrence thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and heart. I am reading through and getting edified 🙂 God bless you
AC, I wouldn’t have put it better than what Lawrence has said, thanks for seeking clarification and opening up. We can talk more in private, the best way for me would be Skype or a Google Hangout, for quicker and easier communication. just let me know on email.
blessings to you
This is awesome! This is your calling for ministry! I’m saving this for my daughters… Powerful truth! Thank you, Ngina.
Thanks Floyd and amen to ministry! 🙂 Honored you are saving it up for your daughters. Thank you
Also sending to my kids – I sent the last one in this series, as well!
One word for this post: BOLD. There are very very very very very very few people who are preaching this message these days. I guess there is no saying that purity is relative to culture…your article captures this greatly. Here is the thing: when we ‘cross the line’…even in our thoughts, we will know it…at first. When we cross it again and again…we graduate. We now need to ‘cross another line’. So we can easily graduate and cross lines all the way to damaging the all cherished purity. Oops..am writing another article…thanks for sharing.
Ha, I think you should write a follow-up post on this Lance! (I’d love to host you here.. : ) : ) )
I love your thoughts on progression..could not have put it better. Now you need to make it a post 🙂
thanks for sharing your wisdom with us
Challenge taken
Thanks bro!