I have observed that redirecting marriages is often a more laborious process, compared to giving “maintenance care” to a marriage that started off on the right foundation.
That’s why I am also passionate about mentoring and coaching singles in relationships*, not just strengthening marriages.
Saving marriages before they start
I think that when we focus on saving marriages before they start, we can make a dent on the number of struggling marriages.
I am yet to meet someone who got married for the sole purpose of being miserable.
Every one wants a happy marriage.
What we don’t always consider though, is the effort it takes to have a happy strong marriage.
If you are single/in a relationship and desire to have a God-kind of relationship and marriage, I think it’s important to consider the following;
To have a God-kind of marriage and relationship
1. You need to be willing to do things God’s way
You can’t have a God-kind of marriage without doing things the God-kind-of-way.
I think it sounds easy until you consider the cost; death to the flesh and carnal thinking.
You see, God is not a peripheral God who likes to sit by the sidelines & dabble in our lives on occasion.
When you invite Him into your life and relationship, He dives into all the details.
From helping you make correct relationship choices, to shining a light on your motives, to having a say on the kind of attire you wear for a date.
God is always a personal God.
So right off the bat and if you are interested in having a God-kind of marriage, you have to be comfortable with God being all over your business.
Wholeness in marriage comes from wholeness as a person. And wholeness comes from God.
2. You have to be counter-cultural and counter-flesh
The world says “if it feels good, do it. If it makes sense, go for it.”
But Godly-sense teaches us to be suspicious of our hearts and to deny our flesh.
Walking contrary to the world and our flesh is not something we do merely for the sake of ‘sticking out’ or ‘looking odd’.
(All though frankly being odd or sticking out is not such a bad thing. You cannot impact the world by being normal or blending in.)
We walk contrary because we also understand that living on the edge increases the chances of being blown over by the slightest breeze of temptation or sin.
We stay away from the edge, not because we are silly or old fashioned but because we are wise.
So often we mess up because we ignored wisdom and common sense.
One of the more ignored ‘common-sense’ of today’s relationship culture is dating/courting outside of one’s faith and beliefs.
Some have fallen for this idea that courtship can be turned into an “outreach” endeavor.
Another ignored common sense is the idea that we can excite and indulge our flesh outside of marriage and still maintain purity.
We seem to have forgotten that purity starts from the heart.
So if you want a God-kind of relationship and marriage, you’ve got to be willing to sow the right kind of seed now.
Mango trees don’t yield oranges and it’s no different in relationships.
Pay now, reap later
Again we must remember that while it’s possible to redirect a marriage later on, it’s often a more painful process.
Marriage is so much easier when we start off right.
That doesn’t guarantee that everything will flow perfectly. But it’s often a much better start.
Question – Do you think a strong foundation can prevent some heartaches later on in marriage? Please share your thoughts in Comments.
I love point #2 by being Counter Culture and Counter Flesh. I know for a fact that marriages that are built on a strong foundation from the start have a better start than those that don’t get that opportunity, or have overlooked it. Now, with that being said, its going to require a daily effort on both parts to stay aligned with God’s will for the marriage. Its vitally important to make sure that we are fed our daily bread.
You have shared a very important point Lincoln, and another commenter pointed out something similar – the importance of staying intentional and committed to the principles of a good marriage. A good foundation is good, but we must continue the work after marriage. Thanks for that emphasis
I think every engaged couple should be assigned a “coach or mentor couple” that’s been successfully married (whatever that looks like) to walk with them in relationship, through their wedding planning, wedding, and the first 5 years of marriage. It would be awesome if that were mom and dad but, in our culture today, that’s not always an option.
Charles, it would be so awesome to have these tight relationships before marriage and have them continue on after marriage. I wish more marrieds were willing to pour into younger couples but sadly we often get caught up in our own ‘inferiorities’ and we disqualify ourselves from helping others.
I agree, learning right off from home, seeing these modeled is an awesome thing. I’ve also seen that at some point, we need a different/outside voice to emphasize and to help us see things in a different light.
Great insights and thanks for adding to the conversation
Great point about the “outside voice”.
I definitely think a strong foundation built on godly character and wise choices can really give a marriage the right kind of start. Hopefully, they will continue to practice those same wise and godly choices after marriage to keep themselves on the right track, Ngina. I agree that dealing with singles before they get married can really set them up for success. Great thoughts! By the way, are you reading, “When Sinners Say I Do”? I noticed you quoted him on FB the other day and here you’ve kind of referenced the “suspicious” concept. I loved that book! Thanks for sharing your heart here, my friend!
Amen Beth and thank you for sharing those thoughts on continuation. It’s important to start right but that’s not the end of the journey 🙂 That’s so important to understand.
yes am finally reading ‘when sinners say i do’! Am loving it too! it’s an awesome powerful book.
I think if more couples prepared before and at the start of the marriage we would see more people staying together. Starting well allows us to be in a position to have a strong and lasting marriage. Great post!
That’s true Dan, starting well is so key!
I’ll never forget this saying: “marriage sucks…if you’re selfish!” I think heartaches are inevitable but misery is optional. Heartaches are inevitable because of selfishness unfortunately, but a strong foundation allows us to endure. Great post Ngina
Mike that’s a powerful statement, “heartaches is inevitable, misery is optional”. Reminds me of Maxwel’s quote ‘change is inevitable, growth is optional’. So true, starting off right helps us endure.
I think a strong foundation is absolutely the key – but I think that it won’t solve everything. You have to establish the environment that you’re in this together, and then you’ll deal with the problems properly when they come.
Amen Loren, it’s about establishing a good foundation which will in turn help you deal with the challenges when they come.
Great post. Love this: You cannot impact the world by being normal or blending in.
So true. It’s great you are doing coaching for singles in preparation. In our day and age, it’s hugely needed!
it’s so needed Dave. i remember topping the charts in my single days 🙂 My husband and i are so grateful for the mentoring and counsel we received in our single and courting days.
It all starts with the foundation.
While I’ve known marriages to work that didn’t start with a solid foundation, they had to work much harder than those who began the marriage right. My own marriage started out rocky 9even though we were both Christian) because I had a false view of how the marriage should work. I had to learn to submit to God and let Him change ME before there was improvement in my marriage.
I love that God’s a personal God. He likes to be involved and I’m so glad- I need all the personal guidance I can get 🙂
Me too Tc, am so glad He’s relentless, up close and personal. My flesh doesn’t always like that but without His close personal attention, I wouldn’t be where I am today!
So true, I don’t always “like” it, but God really does know what’s best and longs to give it to us…sometimes we’re just too stubborn to take what He offers.
Powerful insights. It is best to build the foundation for your marriage before you marry. My wife and I facilitate a 10 week premarital class that help couples who are engaged to understand marriage. It is an opening class to the participants. The class goes deep on hot button topics in marriage and we also share personal stories. Our job is to help save marriages before they start. Some couples realize they are not ready and delay their wedding day until they are better prepared. We have couples that went through the class four or five years ago, report what a positive impact the class had in their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to start your marriage with a suspect foundation because eventually it will fall apart.
Bernard it’s so interesting cos am just writing a chapter in my marriage book on finding the right one..and one of the things am touching on is, (in simple terms) is that it’s better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. It ties well with the experiences of some of your couples who find clarity in the class, and decide to delay the wedding than move on on shaky foundation.
This clarity is so key..but sometimes we are too quick, too fast for our own good 🙂
God bless you and your wife as you continue to pour yourselves into the lives of others in this way.
All aspects of our lives can be stronger and easier if we start with a stronger foundation. We carry so many misunderstandings into all things as well, maybe marriage more than most, and expect someone to fulfill us, to make us whole… as if another person could fill the role of our Father. Hard for some people to hear in this society, but sound wisdom, Ngina.
Amen Floyd. Life is so much easier when we do things the right way 🙂 but so often we like to try and beat our own path, before tough circumstances force us to get back to the right path.