Why A Lot of Sex Does Not Indicate a Healthy Marriage

Does a lot of sex indicate a healthy marriage? Sex is a beautiful gift to married couples; a gift to be pursued and enjoyed.

Sadly, in trying to help couples prioritize it, we’ve made it seem like it’s the only health-meter; if a couple’s sex life is off-base even to a small degree, we classify the entire marriage off-base.

I’ve heard this thought – “if you want to know how you are doing as a couple, look at your sex life.”

I understand, to some degree, what most people mean by that. But I also see how it can be misleading.

The physical side of a marriage, or any one side, should not be the only indicator of health, in the sense that its absence means a whole marriage is destroyed.

In fact, there’s a reason why many wedding vows read “until death do us part.” And not “until a lack of plenty of sex do us part.”

A great marriage should be more than your sex life.

My husband and I have gone through seasons when sex was, well, not up there due to various things going on in our lives.

But I believed a couple’s sex life measures the greatness of marriage – so I beat up on myself and us.

In spite of the fact that our life outside the bedroom was flourishing; we were good friends, we were laughing and growing; we were working hard to build a great marriage overall.

Let me say it again; sex is important. So important that God created us to release feel-good hormones during lovemaking which bind our hearts in extraordinary ways. See 4 Reasons to Make Love Even When You Don’t Feel Like

Lovemaking is a profound love language for most husbands. As wives, we sleep better after sex. We feel less stressed. We are less jumpy and more willing to go the extra mile for our spouse.

Lovemaking is like a secret oil that makes the marriage car run smoothly. Sex is important.

But it is not everything.

A healthy marriage is both inside and outside the bedroom.

So how can we better phrase this discussion?

Maybe we need to emphasize that while sex is a gift to be pursued and enjoyed, its absence, or struggle, should not define a couple.

We need to point out that a great marriage is made up of different elements coming together; good communication, dating each other, cheering each others dreams, living purposefully, chasing Jesus, serving others.

The more you chase health outside the bedroom, the more likely you’ll work as a team to overcome challenges inside the bedroom.

We could preach a more balanced gospel so that those that are struggling in their sex life feel hopeful, not helpless.

The newlywed couple working through vaginismus need to be affirmed in their once-a-month effort.

The fact that they are lovingly and intentionally building their relationship outside the bedroom as they seek healing inside counts. Their marriage is more than the number of times love making happens.

The wife working through past sexual abuse needs to be reminded she’s not a sex object. Because that is how she feels when she hears “lots of sex equal a happy marriage.”

We tear open the scab and wound her all over again when we ignore the efforts being made outside the bedroom – the counseling, the patience, and baby-steps, the courage.

People who are working through difficult seasons need to know that marriage can be beautiful broken; two people committed to loving each other through the highs and lows.

That is what real marriage is all about; not just swooning and soaring on mountain peaks, but cleaving and faithfully loving through the valley lows.

You don’t quit on your love because the physical side flickered or dimmed; you cleave through it. You love each other, come rain or shine, for better or worse.

When we give a much broader view of what constitutes a happy growing marriage, couples who are struggling or going through a season, feel hopeful and affirmed.

Newlyweds ought to hear that the number of times you make love is wonderful but what counts is the health of your overall marriage.

A wife can “service the husband” thrice a week while she scans flowers on the bedroom curtains; that is not true intimacy. When we say the number of times is of utmost importance, she thinks she’s going great. But she’s not.

Sex is important and we need to talk about its importance so couples can thrive.

But at the same time, people go through seasons, and these turns and tides affect intimacy, and at that moment they need to remember that a good marriage is more than lots of sex.

It is commitment, showing up, serving, loving, sticking together, no matter what.

What do you think? Have you struggled with this thought? How have you dealt with it?

To learn how to create a healthy marriage inside out, pick up my book “Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In the Early Years”. You will learn how to change the internal conversation about your marriage and husband, love selflessly so you can enjoy the marriage of your dreams. Find more information here

Further reading:

Here are more thoughts on sex in marriage.

Linking with Messy Marriage

Comments

TCAvey says
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We live in such a sexually charged society that we place great value in it. Thank you for sharing this important information.
Sadly sex is another tool Satan uses to destroy families.

- Ngina Otiende says
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  It’s sad how the enemy has misrepresented and perverted the gift of sexuality. But I am glad that he (and she) that the Son sets free is free indeed. We need to take up that freedom for ourselves. Glad the post resonated.
  
Beth says
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I know many couples who’ve gone through really challenging seasons in marriage and sex was completely off the table during those times. In some cases, it was the “sex” that had become part of the challenge because of sexual abuse experiences in the past that had nothing to do with the current spouse. Like you’ve said there are seasons when it won’t be a priority like it should be, but other parts of the relationship can grow stronger during those times as well. I think when a spouse has sexual abuse issues to work through, sometimes the emotional component is so painful that the idea of having sex only sours the spouse on sex ever. Better to be patient, seek the help of a godly and good counselor and keep building up the other areas of the relationship than to assume the marriage is bad because of this one problem. Once the emotional or abuse issues are dealt with carefully sex can be reintroduced and embraced in a way that would’ve never happened if a spouse ignored the problem and demanded his/her right to sex.

- Ngina Otiende says
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  Beth, you’ve explained it so well. I hope everyone gets to read your thorough comment! God does make everything work out for good, once we surrender.
  
Alicia says
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Saying that a healthy marriage has lots of sex is like saying that a good Christian does lots of devotions. We can, especially as Christians, go through a lot of good actions but not have our hearts truly engaged with God’s desires. If we are to grow in marriage, just like growth in our Christian walk, we will be seeking and acting out the Lord’s will, truth, goodness and agape love. But it’s so much easier said than done! It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking about the end result or the checklist that we entirely forget about the process. We have to keep on going, keep practicing, and especially keep seeking God’s will as Christians. As wives (and husbands too) we have to keep going, keep practicing, keep seeking God’s will for this very particular relationship we have with that one unique person we have married.

On a completely different subject – how do you pronounce your name? ?

- Ngina Otiende says
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  Thanks for these thoughts, Alicia! Yup, its not just the actions, but the heart within which we do things.
  
  its pronounced ng-aay-na – like “Tina” without the T. (and the Ng as one sound! 🙂
  
Robyn Gibson says
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This was a good post, thanks. You and I are on the same page, I frame it like this: There is going to be all kinds of cyclical affects in the relationship of marriage, including sex. The temporary absence of intercourse does not reveal an unhealthy marriage. However, prolonged (or ongoing) absence of sex is a different story.

- Ngina Otiende says
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  That’s a great way to phrase it, Robyn. And yes, it’s important to seek help for ongoing challenges